noturningback2

i just need to vent somewhere. I haven't seen my dad in a long time, and today I saw him. Our relationship has always been strained, he is a perfectionist and extremely narcissistic. He doesn't have a good word to say about anyone, critical of everything and everyone and damned hard to please. But yet he is my dad, and I have wanted his approval and him to have some pride in me, or show some enthusiasm for something I have done, without the criticism of how I could have done it better or different, or how he would do something. This relationship has led me to counselling as it impacted me from my formative years, and I think in hindsight, why I become such a gigantic pain in the arse as a teenager. I wanted to not be invisible to him, even if it was negative. I never felt he noticed me.

So today I saw him, and although I had my troubles as an occasional drunk teenager doing stupid kid stuff that most teenagers do, my drinking that got troublesome was never around him, never did he see me drunk. I somehow kept the respect of not being drunk infront of my parents.

he was talking about having a get together with the family, and some drinks and I said 'dad, I'm 34 days sober, I don't drink anymore'. I have never publically announced i was giving up drinking in previous attempts, until this time. Instead of any pride or well done, he just said ' well you never were any good with drink', then proceeded to tell me how much him and my mum drank whilst on holiday, about how responsible they are with alcohol, and he cant understand peoples mentality that drink too much. Like it was so much beneath him. I'm happy he can drink in moderation, I cannot, its not because I am scum, its because my brain chemistry in reaction to it, is different. I tried to tell him, but of course, its all just rubbish and having no will power.

So now ive admitted I am a drunk I go a little bit further down in his opinion, which I actually didn't think was possible. I am the only child of his that got lied to and not invited to his retirement party, apparently it was just a works thing he had to do and no family or friends outside work were going. Funny old thing facebook, because someone uploaded the pictures of the night, and there were my brothers and some of their friends I have grown up with all my life. And I would have driven and had kids, so he knew I wouldn't have drank that night.

Just made me feel so low. I know I shouldn't expect anything positive from him, I just wish for once he could say something that doesn't make me feel like c**p.

BlownOne

Unfortunately, your father's attitude toward alcoholism and addiction isn't all that uncommon. It's just ignorance on their part. They don't know any better. I realize it probably doesn't help how you feel, but you know the truth of the situation. If your father chooses to live in the dark about the reality of addiction, there's not much you can do to change it. Be proud of yourself. 34 days sober is awesome!! =)

Jules714

Hi.
"He can't understand people's mentality that drink too much."
Don't let this get you too low. He doesn't and likely will not attempt to understand. If he's a true narcissist, forget it. He won't try and *cannot care. He's sick in a different way. At least you can get better!
I'm sorry you are hurting, but know that you have us.
You're doing great!
Jules

LadyBlue0527

I'm sad for your father noturningback. Can you imagine living that way? Never having the ability to display pleasure or to offer a positive word to someone? Who would want to live like that?

I'm sorry that it's affected you in the way it has. The really sad thing is you can't change people. They are who they are. Try to stop letting him rent space in your head and feeding you with negativity. You have happier and better things to do in life.

Anna

My mother was a narcissist and a narcissist is incapable of loving you. Like you, I spent years, doing everything possible, to try to win my mother's approval. Just once, I wanted her to be proud of me. It never happened and it couldn't have happened. There is no way to reach a narcissist. He/she loves to talk about him or herself, and doesn’t give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation. You want your feelings heard. When you do get a word in your comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored.

What worked for me was to step away. I didn't go totally no contact, but pretty close and that was when I began to heal.

DontRemember

Use this as fuel to stay sober and "show him". I promise if you never take another drink in his/your life...he will not be able to not respect that!

Dee74

Hi noturningback2

I was always very much affected by what others thougth of me, but I realise now the important thing is what I think of myself

You're turning your life around - thats a great thing

D

noturningback2

thanks everyone for your support, especially Anna, its unusual I find someone that knows what I mean when I talk of my father. Its heartbreaking and exhausting. The only person he has an interest in is my brother who has a great job, huge house in the country and makes a lot of money. He is the one that gets invited to things, all because it reflects better on my father at what a success he is, if anything in his life is less than perfect and doesnt build his ego, its dimissed and hidden, like me.

I feel better today, I did know I was expecting the negative, ive had a lot of councelling in result of growing up with him the way he is, and some CBT helped me accept his ways without taking it too personally, but its still hard. It messed my head up a lot over the years.

I'm on a great path. I can honestly say life has never been happier than it has this last month. No drama, no feeling ill, no feeling hopeless, house looks fantastic, financial situation is back under control. Just paid for a wonderful holiday next year. Life couldn't be better right now for my family. I'm not going to let him ruin it, because its not good enough for him.

heavencanwait

I know your pain. I came from a broken adopted family. Mom was always mentally sick ( manic depressive) in and out of psychiatric wards, strained relationship all my life, dad split and never returned, brother committed suicide at 22, on and on and on. This started my living hell with alcohol. Almost 40 years of alcohol abuse. If I can do it...you can do it! Stay strong...rise above this.