Advice on husband blackout drunk cheated
 

Been married for 24 years... Husband never got blackout drunk until retirement party.. He doesn't drink often and isn't alcoholic. Well he got blackout drunk a cheated, yes I caught them kissing... he's 43 and she is 22... She was drunk but not that drunk but husband was blackout drunk and he said he can't remember nothing... I could probably forgive for the kiss but the what may have happened before that.. They were so close there wasn't daylight between them... Yes clothes were on but they were sweaty and outside the security light and when I said what the hell are ya'll doing they looked like deers caught in headlights... The girl isn't talking and changed her story 3 times and now won't talk at all.. Trying to figure out what I should do... I'm having a hard time with this... That's not the only problem since then he has had a problem having sex but not a few times.. I thought our marriage was great but after this situation I'm not so sure... All kinds of things run threw my head... They other thing is we have a 22 year old daughter together also.. Please be kind because this is the hardest thing I've had to deal with.. Thanks

I 'm the one who caught them

People who don't have a problem with alcohol usually don't get blackout drunk and cheat on their spouses. If he's willing to take a good hard look at his behavior, maybe it's time to try counseling? There are no easy answers. There will be more folks along with better advice than I can give you. At any rate, welcome to SR.

Sorry for what brings you here.

You didn't ask a specific question, so I'm not sure what kind of response you are seeking. I think you are wondering if this is a cheating issue, or a drinking issue. I don't know.

You say your husband doesn't drink alcoholically, never blacked out before, until he was caught kissing another woman. So what does he not remember? The kissing? Or the getting caught? Do you think he was that drunk? Or is that something he's claiming?

Alcohol, in quantity, is a mind altering substance. How you move forward I guess depends on if you blame the behavior on the alcohol and can forgive your husband. Or not.

Counseling could definitely help.

Nobody can make him quit except himself. He needs to decide what's important.

I would thought the opposite, because their bodies arent used to alcohol is easier for them than for us to black out, wont u think? It'll only take a couple of drinks for them... JMHO

He says he doesn't remember anything that night.. The picture in my head of what I've seen is tearing me apart... The other I can't get out of my head is before I realize it was my husband and the other girl walking from barn to bar I had a spot light I seen a couple but thinking it was another couple that was there... My husband had shorts and the thing I also seen was which I figure out was he shorts was pulled down like he had pants on why I thought was another couple...

He is a retired military so he has seen alot and has PTSD and depression.. Still no excuse with what happened as I told him before the party started plz don't get F_up..

He has never done this before and its a concern... The 22 year old won't even talk to me and get very defensive... Now she was drunk but not drunk enough not to know... She went and told a friend what happen and now her story has changed 3 times... Her BF is 40..

Now, the other concern is maybe pregnancy because no protect was used... Yes I worried and can't get a answer if she's on the pill or not... If she does come up pregnant I'm gone but did tell husband he must go to counseling... He tells me I'm the love of his life his everything but at this time I don't believe it at all... I know I need counseling as well...

I just thought love could stop anything... He was drinking, moonshine, Jack, Teq and beer...

This was on our property not at a public bar

I think you need to take a step back and analyse the situation. Certainly not time to make life altering decisions. I would take this time to talk things over and listen to what he's saying, and if you still love him then look to forgive.
Just remember that ending a 24+y marriage on a kiss in a blackout state is imo harsh, if this is/was the only time.

Unfortunately, these are the terrible consequences of excessive drinking. Once someone drinks too much, that person is likely to make bad decisions that they later regret. I personally don't think your husband would have done this sober, but I think it will still take time for you to heal. Your marriage can repair itself if your husband quits or is able to moderate his drinking, AND he takes steps to show his love for you and that you are his top priority.

I think I might have missed something here--I read that he was kissing her, and then I read that you're concerned that she may be pregnant? So there was a little more than "kissing" going on?

I'm going to suggest that maybe you'd like to come visit over in the "Family and Friends" section of the forum. It's here Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

If you use the "Search This Forum" button (immediately above list of threads, towards the righthand side) and the search term "blackout" or "cheating", you'll find many posts/threads that are more directly related to your situation over in that section.

An example would be this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-cheated.html

Hope you continue to read and post, wherever you choose to do it.

Personally, I disagree. I don't know many people who aren't alcoholics that A) drink enough to black out to begin with and B) even if they do consume, I seriously doubt a "couple of drinks" will take them to blackout stage, even if they don't drink very often. At least that's been my experience with the people I know who drink non alcoholically.

The other thing that really bothers me is that we have a 22 year old daughter together also and the girl he cheated on me with is 22 years old also... To me that's is so gross and nasty... So there is so many things on this... Yes more went on than just kissing... What I've seen just won't get out of my head... I'm really not sure how I feel and not sure if I can recover from it... Thanks Everybody

How is he reacting to the situation?
Remorse, disgust, minimising it, blaming her??

If he doesn't usually drink and he was emotionally fired up about retirement and off his face then perhaps it was a one off occasion acting completely out of character. If so he is likely disgusted with himself and not knowing what to do to put it right, and feeling pretty foolish.

What do you want him to do now?
Never drink again? Apologise? Marriage counselling? Leave the house while you think about it?

He can't un-do it. No matter how much you both might wish that were possible. Although this is not faithful behaviour he presumably did not set out for this to happen and its from what you say it would unlikely have happened if he'd not been drinking.

At the moment there is a wedge driven between you. I suppose you have to decide if you want to extract it and work together to heal the relationship, or if you want to bash it in further. If you want to go for reconciliation then the sooner you start that the easier it's likely to be.

I feel for you though. Not a nice discovery to make.

Xx

He could be saying that he doesn't remember anything to help avoid your questions. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hi and welcome trotttrott :)

I guess the important thing is what do you want to do about this?

D

I think you may not get the answers you want from the young woman involved or from your husband. What do you want to do at this point?

so you saw this going on and did.......what? just watched?

I'm sorry you're going through this, has there been trouble aside from cheating that has been plaguing your relationship for a time? Just wondering, maybe if that's the case or even regardless, maybe some marital counseling may be part of the answer.
I think taking a massive step back to a place of comfort, support from a non-judgmental person may help. Take a step back, try and get some perspective for yourself. Only you can figure out what's best for you. :hug:

I think that you two may need a little space away from each other so you can come to a conclusion as to how you want to proceed forward.

With so many years of marriage and so much at stake it only seems beneficial for all to have some breathing room. He cannot undo what has been done. You cannot change the scenario. The other woman really has nothing to do with the two of you and the life that the two of you have built.

I would not make any decisions on the matter until I had some time to think about what I really wanted. Are you willing to go speak with a therapist? Is he willing to seek outside help?

Sorry for what brings you here. I am not going to give advice here, but I hope things work out for you, whichever you decided.