FieldReport

I know only 9 days is nothing, I know that I have done this before and then just started drinking again, I know that there are issues with my wife with trust.

But would it kill her to give me a little support here?

So far the only mention of me being sober was "Happy Day 7" she told me on Friday.

No "how are you doing today"
No "do you want to do something different today to take your mind off alcohol"

No nothing.

I know sobriety is something that I must do, it's all up to me, but it sure would make this first week or so a little better if I could get some support.

I've done 9 days before, heck I think my record is like 28 days. But this time feels different to me and I actually WANT this. Before I would give up booze knowing that at some point I would/could drink again; this time is different (and I love that).

Sorry to vent here, but just thought that some of you may have either experienced the same thing, or had ideas on how to ask for support (which being me, probably won't happen).

doggonecarl

So you have expectations of support, but haven't communicated that need.

Well, you get what you ask for, and if you haven't asked...?

doggonecarl

PS

She's probably holding her breath, hoping this attempt takes, and doesn't want to jinx you.

soberandhonest

I would encourage you to look elsewhere for support. Seek out a counselor, come here, talk to a close friend.

I would also encourage you, and this is really hard, to accept and understand your wife's emotions. I can't and won't speak for you or your wife, but when I was on about day 9 my wife had about 1.99 of her feet out the proverbial door of our relationship. I spent years putting her through hell with my alcohol use and all of the deceit that naturally came with it, and she was done with me. In those first few weeks, her emotions were primarily anger directed towards me and embarrassment that she could be so gullible as to be in a relationship with an addict. It was hard for me, because I felt as though she should be like everyone else and recognize that I was the one that was "sick" and I was the one going through hell to try to get better. It was only with time that I really started to recognize that alcoholism is a family disease and she needed to recover just as much as me. I also, eventually, came to the realization that I had absolutely no right, having put her through this, to dictate how she should feel, what she should do, or how supportive she "should" be.

If you want your wife's support, the very best chance that you have to gain it is by demonstrating, through your actions of sobriety, that this is something you are committed to for a lifetime.

tomls

Does she drink? Whether she does or not there is no way she could understand what you are going through or feeling. You have to do this for yourself. If you need support, SR or AA is your best bet. I wish you well on your journey.

soberandhonest

I would also suggest that you go over to the friends and family section of this website and read about some of the horrific experiences that spouses of addicts have had. It will help you gain some insight into your wife's feelings and emotions.

AnvilheadII

what exactly is it that you want your wife to DO for you? she's seen this before....lived it before....only to see you return to drink time and again. it's probably difficult for her to summon a whole lot of enthusiasm at this point.

your drinking is not her responsibility to fix.
your sobriety is not hers to champion.

what are you doing for your recovery?

Matt5150

I'm on the other end of the spectrum. My ex wife is currently in rehab and I want to support her so bad but I can't. She is in her 5 day blackout (no communication with the outside world). I just wanna hold her and let her know how much I love her. Keep strong for you.

FieldReport

I'm working on it, and I hear what you are saying.

FieldReport

"Drink" is a relative term. If we had cocktails on a Friday or Saturday night, yes, she would have one, perhaps two while I had eight, then she would go to bed and I would have another 8.

AA and their mission is not for me, I don't buy it and won't buy their book.

I have seen counselors, and while they have helped, they ship me off from one to another, then the next one takes an admin job and I find myself starting from scratch over and over again.

This is a journey that I am on alone, which is fitting, it was only me that made me half to go on such a journey.

I do thank you and this forum though, very inspirational and do find great value from it and it's members.

FieldReport

That's great Matt, I'm sure she will appreciate it very much when you do get a chance to reach out to her. Even a little support is better than no support at all.

FieldReport

I would like to have her verbally say, hey... I'm proud of you. Yes, she has seen this before, and her lack of support then certainly didn't help me, since I'm here once again, right? My drinking is my responsibility, but she certainly doesn't help matters. She is johnny on the spot when I come home drunk, or when I can't make it into work on a Monday - plenty of verbalization then. Now, it's quieter than hell here.

nez

If I want support, I find that it more readily comes my way if I offer support first.

When I first tried to stop drinking, my wife wanted to support me, but she stopped trying because she never knew what my response to her efforts would be. My responses were all over the place.

One day, I told her that I knew this process (my stopping) was hard on her and that I was sorry for putting her through this hell. The recognition and acknowledgement that this was a "we" hell, was all she needed.

It was no longer all about me. By giving support, I got support.

Matt5150

I think that part of my issue is that I want her to look me in the eye and say I'm sorry for what I put you through and not recognizing that you were trying to help me. For top long she blamed me for her issues in life but she never admitted that drinking was an issue. So that made it look like I was some monster who treated her like garbage. I guess I'm looking for some sort of validation for my pain and loss of her. Does that make sense?

Jules714

Hi. 9 days is not nothing...it's a start. Good for you. Early sobriety is very emotional. I'm still going through it 2 months in. It's supposed to take at least a year for all to level out.
I would be very cautious in what you wish for. If she were ultra supportive that might make you think it's ok to drink.
If she's acknowledged a week, I'd assume she's going to acknowledge weeks. If start getting them under my belt.
I can assure you that she has had enough. If you drink again and she has any respect for herself, she will leave.
Happened to me.
Huge proponent for getting/staying sober.
Who would want someone like me? I wouldn't. I didn't want my ex husband drinking and using.
Get yourself better and prove to her that you want to be better, for you and her.
It's tough love, and this is really hard but no one owes us anything! We owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to recover.
You will find tons of support here from people who actually understand. Glass half full.
GL,
Jules

ScottFromWI

She did actually congratulate you, albeit maybe she's not trumpeting it from the rooftops on the hour. The thing is, we don't get to choose how others around us act or dictate their level of support. And while 9 days sober is great, it's far too early to expect her to just dismiss everything that's happened over the years. Think of how she must have felt every time you came home drink, lied to her and missed work.

That's not to say that things won't change for the better, control what you can ( staying sober ) and there's a good chance they will. But In the meantime a little humility is probably in order.

nez

Does to me. I totally get it.

Matt5150

I pray to God she gives me a chance to have our family again.

AnvilheadII

I would like to have her verbally say, hey... I'm proud of you.

do you plan to stay sober permanently THIS time? and do you have a plan to do so? we have some terrific threads here about recovery plans.....

meanwhile, cut the lady some slack. let your unbroken sobriety be the balm you both seek.

tomsteve

its quite common for an alcoholic to be rather selfish and self centered and not think about their spouses-looking at how our drinking has effected them and how much BS we put them though.

youre very fortunate to have a wife that said," "Happy Day 7."
i would have been very greatful to have heard that, however, the day after my last drunk my fiance told me,"get the **** out!!!"

what have you done to support HER?

exactly what type of support do you EXPECT?
have you thought about what your wife might expect from YOU?

" My drinking is my responsibility, but she certainly doesn't help matters."
remove everything after the comma.

maybe your wife would like her husband to make amends for everything she has had to put up with.
and by amends i dont mean saying,"im sorry."