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Old 08-19-2017, 04:43 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Dating and Sobriety


I don't even know where to post this. I guess I'm just curious about dating after getting sober and looking for advice from those who have done it.

How long did you wait before dating someone? How/when did you talk to them about your sobriety?

I don't plan on rushing into anything. I was already an addict by the time I actually started dating. I'm interested in sober dating and I want to know what it is like, especially when you are an addict.
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Old 08-19-2017, 05:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi, I remember hearing in AA once that its best to wait a year before dating, sorry I couldn't be more helpful but good luck
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Old 08-19-2017, 06:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
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No emotional involvement for two years was the word in AA in my neck of the woods. But the idea didn't come from AA, it was from the rehab.

I was 22 when I got sober, two years was a lifetime. No way was I going to wait that long, a coule of weeks was my limit. But I had a few things to learn. A roll in the hay was not emotional involvement for a start.

First things first was the most important thing. Regardless of whatever else was going on in my life, a had already made the decision that sobriety was my number one priority and anything that got in the way of that was gone.

I Manag d to get myself into a fairly crazy emotional involvement after only a few weeks sober. It didn't last long, and a learned some huge lessons about forgiveness and the practical need for dealing with resentments. I kept sobriety number one throughout and was able to learn my lessons, apply the steps, without the need to drink.

To me casual dating would be a long way short of emotional involvement. It is a social thing, part of life. AA encourages us to get back into life through living its program.

Relationships are not a factor in whether one would drink or not. Look around the board. People drink with God bad and indifferent relationships, or none at all. The only risk is where the other party becomes the basis of ones sobriety. That makes sobriety conditional and if that person fails to live up to their side of the deal, a drink is very likely.

So there is recovery and dating and, provided recovery is the priority, the two are not mutually exclusive.
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Old 08-19-2017, 06:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi GG

I dunno about you but I found relationships stressful - I was always looking for validation and always worrying about whether I was good enough, always waiting for a reply text or phone call....

That's not a good headspace to be in when you're trying to stay sober.

I took time out when I got sober to learn a little bit about myself - what I wanted, what I needed, & who sober me was.

Those weeks/months of introspection gave me a rock solid appreciation of my own self worth - and took away the obsessiveness and desperation relationships had had for me up to that point.

If I remember rightly, you're fairly recently separated from your husband.
That's got to be a tough time.

Maybe there's sense in taking it slow - I wouldn't rush into anything new just yet.

D
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Old 08-19-2017, 08:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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There's no "rule" so to speak other than the one that's been pretty consistent with life all along.... We tend to reap what we sow -- said another way.... What we put out into the universe, we get back.

When I was "looking to date" what was really happening was me, seeking another person, to fulfill me / make me feel whole / entertain me / provide emotional support / help me from feeling lonely / etc etc etc. In other words, I wanted to own someone so that they could benefit me. Pretty selfish, but I know most of us are guilty of the same thing. With those motives, my "relationships" in sobriety were just like the ones I had in the disease - painful, distressing, lacking in open communication, and frustrating.

I think maybe a good ol-fashioned selfish relationship that damn near kills us - again - can be a good thing though. lol. For me it was a big motivator to really start taking recovery sincerely. Merely not drinking but not changing wasn't working....... and the pain of 2 crappy relationships helped teach me.
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Old 08-19-2017, 10:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Whatever you find works for you while not getting in the way of your sobriety and emotional well-being. Platonic friendships with the opposite gender will help you when you find yourself ready.
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Old 08-19-2017, 11:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I don't know about waiting a year or two, but I'm not actively looking either.

If I met someone, I'd go out for coffee and talk, and see where it leads. I've met a few guys in AA that I'm attracted to, but haven't approached them.

I'm not looking for casual sex. Did that for years. I want someone to spend national holidays with. Companionship. Shared interests. Sexual compatibility and attraction can be developed and grow over time.
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Old 08-20-2017, 01:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I think waiting for a while to be sure you are solid in your sobriety is important. It is also important to work on yourself during this time and really get to know who you are as a sober person, what you have to offer to another and what you are looking for in a mate. That takes time.
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Old 08-20-2017, 03:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I had one flirtation + that I could quickly look at as a foolish decision; that was about 31/2 mo in- it definitely was NOT what God wanted for me nor the way I was working on my program and its progress.

That said, my life ended up taking a VERY surprising term. I've shared here before that one day out of the blue, last July when I was 51/2 mo sober, my high school boyfriend asked me to lunch. Fast forward to now, and we are engaged, recently moved in together and are building a life and family that includes my 15 year old step daughter to be living with us full time. Why and How did this happen? He's in recovery, too - and our life paths are the same, and built on our individual and "together" work on our sobriety, faith, and what we want life to be life. The trust is complete and we have taken "the long view" on our relationship from early in. I'd go on but you probably get the idea of how unusual and precious this is to us, and I'd add....not only am in love and love him, but I wouldn't have gone into a relationship on any other terms except these. We are often amazed at how God's plan for our lives went from a sweet, innocent high school relationship, through 20 ish years of VERY different paths, to reconnect us as we have.

I would not be dating around- after years of drama and poor choices when drinking, focusing on me was my priority and it did take me a few months longer than it did him to completely let him in.
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Old 08-20-2017, 10:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
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My ex wife is currently in rehab. We were divorced 3 years ago. Her alcoholism and substance abuse to me was the main reason. In Oct. 2015 we began dating again. She tried to hide her continued alcohol use and subsequently last January we split up again. However, we still care very much for each other and it's killing me that we are not together as a couple. I want an opportunity to have her back when she is sober so we can experience that incredible love we had for each other in the beginning. Am i being selfish? Will she meet someone in rehab and I'll lose her? I'm so scared.
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Old 08-20-2017, 01:32 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Matt5150 View Post
My ex wife is currently in rehab. We were divorced 3 years ago. Her alcoholism and substance abuse to me was the main reason. In Oct. 2015 we began dating again. She tried to hide her continued alcohol use and subsequently last January we split up again. However, we still care very much for each other and it's killing me that we are not together as a couple. I want an opportunity to have her back when she is sober so we can experience that incredible love we had for each other in the beginning. Am i being selfish? Will she meet someone in rehab and I'll lose her? I'm so scared.
Matt, I really feel for you. Have you tried Al-anon?

Do you drink as well? If so, you need to concentrate on your recovery as much (or even more than) as you are on getting back together with her.

Try hard to concentrate on yourself now.
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Old 08-20-2017, 01:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Matt, I really feel for you. Have you tried Al-anon?

Do you drink as well? If so, you need to concentrate on your recovery as much (or even more than) as you are on getting back together with her.

Try hard to concentrate on yourself now.
I do not drink. I will be attending an al anon meeting this Wednesday. I also see a private shrink. It really hurts that I am so out of the loop when it comes to helping her. I want her to succeed. I will do whatever it takes to help her stay sober. I just want her back.
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Old 08-20-2017, 01:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Giraffegirl2013 View Post
I don't even know where to post this. I guess I'm just curious about dating after getting sober and looking for advice from those who have done it.

How long did you wait before dating someone? How/when did you talk to them about your sobriety?

I don't plan on rushing into anything. I was already an addict by the time I actually started dating. I'm interested in sober dating and I want to know what it is like, especially when you are an addict.
I think you should take the advice on here about waiting a year, 1.5 years, 2 years, etc. I've never had more than 2-3 months single in the last 10 years and this has led to a load of ish in my life. So, take it slow, put yourself first (really put yourself first) and wait patiently. Like it's said, 'Love is Patient'.
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