Totally lost and broken.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 2
Totally lost and broken.
Not sure how I ended up here... I just did. I am so lost, I guess I am looking for someone to tell me what to do, how to do it and some guarantee that neither my beloved husband nor me will suffer along the way... anymore.
Sorry, this will be a long text. But I need to write it somewhere. So here it goes.
Iīve been married to a great loving man for 5 years now. Weīve been together for an extra 10. Our multicultural relationship, meant I got to live almost the first decade of our relationship (and my early adulthood) in his country (Scandinavia), and for the last years he lived in mine (South America). Reasons, well there were plenty. He wanted to experience living abroad, I couldn't get a job in my field in his country although I tried endlessly (and I was apparently overqualified to do anything else, or my language wasnīt enough), we wanted to start a family together, and we thought it would be a good idea to have my mother close when that happened.
Our relationship was never "smooth". Heīs got a temper, and got upset quite easily, and at times too often. He was also so disciplined! If he decided to go without cheese, he would for like, forever. He did the same with sweets, pasta, and anything fattening. But when he did decide to break the rule, well we would eat it all at once. He also took way too many medicines (he has a very sad illness that appears from time to time). I thought more than once that he had an addictive personality, . . But, to be honest, I didnīt see a problem there at all. Because we were a great team... probably the greatest. When we set our mind to something we just did it, together. He took care of me, he became my everything. I was alone in his country, so he took many roles, all of which were key for me to make it there. Slowly I got my social network, my friends, my University studies finished there and my first "professional" internship. But then, I could not get a job so we moved. He was happy. I was really worried of what such a change would bring. And boy, I was right.
In 4 years, he traveled back and forth between the two countries. He never really found his place here. Learning the language, was not a good idea. Meeting other foreigners or co-nationals, not a good idea either. Going to the gym, not a good idea either. Using his work experience to get jobs, not a good idea anymore. He hated to do that work here; he began hating the people, the culture, and all the problems that are "normal" in any developing country. I tried helping the way I could, based on my own "survival" experience. But that was not a good idea either, for he resented me each time for telling him what to do or how to do things. I got a job, roles changed, I began taking care of almost everything and I was so eager to help us work everything to the team we were. But it didnīt work.
In time, he got depressed. Then he started drinking. And lying. His temper got worse. Se said the meanest things. He broke stuff. He broke me and I got scared and sad of being in my own house. I never knew what to expect when I came back from work. In fact, I did. And it was there, every time. I could not take the smell of beer out of my nostrils. I began being the person who looks through the trash to confirm that I had been lied to, again. I started feeling crazy. How could it be that it was always a bottle from a long time ago that he happened to find and throw away as he cleaned his room..? How could it be if I was the one doing the cleaning? How did I not see those bottles? Why am I thinking he has been drinking when I see him rolling his eyes? Could it not be he is just tired, as he says he is? Why do I think he has been drinking only because he is a bit over excited? Canīt he just be happy as he says he is? And every time it led to a fight, to sleeping separated, to silent treatment, to screaming, to threats of him leaving and me begging him to stay, of him breaking stuff, disrespecting, emotionally hurting and humiliating me.
Then I found a couple of times signs of cocaine in the house. I never even smoke a cigarette, so i did not know what to look for. But once I saw a tiny empty bag, and after lying he confirmed my guess, suddenly many signs I remember seeing made sense thinking backwards.
We fought a million times. We found a way back together another million times. But slowly, my energy began to disappear. I tried Al Anon and found some help there. But I also realized one needs to actually want to be there to make it work. I wanted to live and be happy. I did not want to be there. I couldnīt come to terms with the idea that it is an illness and that one has to treat it as such to start moving forward. I still felt it was a choice. One he made day after day. So no wonder I had trouble succeeding. I am doing therapy instead. I asked him to please go get help. He claims he can do it himself. He sees there is a great resemblance to his father, who died due to alcohol and tobacco at 65. But he has always been so disciplined, that he is convinced he can make it alone. Besides, he did not drink during the 10 years we were together in his country, so he is convinced this is only a matter of choice.
Things went on and so did the fighting. Holiday time came and as usual, ended in disaster. Our last fight was different. Something clicked in me.
He threatened to leave. I asked him to please reconsider his decision. But, by the time he changed his mind (as he always does), mine had changed as well. I got scared of thinking what my future will be like. I am tired of crying and being sad. I am lost. I love him dearly and I want the lovely caring guy I fell in love with and married. But I donīt want the other side of him, that appears when things donīt go well.
I always believed that if I or we take away the reason behind his depression then, drinking would stop, and so would doing drugs. Then he would be better. But how do we do that? Who should do that? Besides, I cannot forget the things he said to me. I donīt trust him anymore and rebuilding the trust is a big mountain I feel I have no energy to climb. Who is he? Is he the guy I fell in love with? The caring selfless one with a heart of gold? Is he the one with the temper? Is he the one drinking, lying and humiliating me? Is he the one doing drugs in our own house? Is he all those people?
I know he is hurting. He is sad. He misses me and loves me. I feel helpless. I never stopped loving him, he is the love of my life. Or was. Even when he was mean, even when he was verbally aggressive. I still miss him. And I want him back with me. But only the good version of him. I am scared of the other one and how little and vulnerable it makes me feel. I am so sad to think my marriage could be over. The pain is so overwhelming. Iīve never felt this before. I have always been strong but this has drained all my energy and I am finding it hard to go on.
But I guess that is why I am here. Because deep inside of me, while we love each other dearly and miss us so much it hurts, I feel there is a big chance things won't work out. And I am afraid of letting go, or going back. All I have is fear. No hope. I can't move back to his country into an unstable relationship, although I feel he is happier there. None of the variables that make him unhappy in my country have changed. I am 37 and feel my window for being a mother is growing smaller by the day. We stopped trying to get pregnant, and even if we tried again I fear what a multicultural divorce could do to a child and to both our hearts.
So I guess my question is.... have you experienced anything like this? If so, has anyone tried fighting and was lucky to succeed? Or is a life with happiness elsewhere? Today, I am totally lost.... and deeply depressed.
Thank you
Sorry, this will be a long text. But I need to write it somewhere. So here it goes.
Iīve been married to a great loving man for 5 years now. Weīve been together for an extra 10. Our multicultural relationship, meant I got to live almost the first decade of our relationship (and my early adulthood) in his country (Scandinavia), and for the last years he lived in mine (South America). Reasons, well there were plenty. He wanted to experience living abroad, I couldn't get a job in my field in his country although I tried endlessly (and I was apparently overqualified to do anything else, or my language wasnīt enough), we wanted to start a family together, and we thought it would be a good idea to have my mother close when that happened.
Our relationship was never "smooth". Heīs got a temper, and got upset quite easily, and at times too often. He was also so disciplined! If he decided to go without cheese, he would for like, forever. He did the same with sweets, pasta, and anything fattening. But when he did decide to break the rule, well we would eat it all at once. He also took way too many medicines (he has a very sad illness that appears from time to time). I thought more than once that he had an addictive personality, . . But, to be honest, I didnīt see a problem there at all. Because we were a great team... probably the greatest. When we set our mind to something we just did it, together. He took care of me, he became my everything. I was alone in his country, so he took many roles, all of which were key for me to make it there. Slowly I got my social network, my friends, my University studies finished there and my first "professional" internship. But then, I could not get a job so we moved. He was happy. I was really worried of what such a change would bring. And boy, I was right.
In 4 years, he traveled back and forth between the two countries. He never really found his place here. Learning the language, was not a good idea. Meeting other foreigners or co-nationals, not a good idea either. Going to the gym, not a good idea either. Using his work experience to get jobs, not a good idea anymore. He hated to do that work here; he began hating the people, the culture, and all the problems that are "normal" in any developing country. I tried helping the way I could, based on my own "survival" experience. But that was not a good idea either, for he resented me each time for telling him what to do or how to do things. I got a job, roles changed, I began taking care of almost everything and I was so eager to help us work everything to the team we were. But it didnīt work.
In time, he got depressed. Then he started drinking. And lying. His temper got worse. Se said the meanest things. He broke stuff. He broke me and I got scared and sad of being in my own house. I never knew what to expect when I came back from work. In fact, I did. And it was there, every time. I could not take the smell of beer out of my nostrils. I began being the person who looks through the trash to confirm that I had been lied to, again. I started feeling crazy. How could it be that it was always a bottle from a long time ago that he happened to find and throw away as he cleaned his room..? How could it be if I was the one doing the cleaning? How did I not see those bottles? Why am I thinking he has been drinking when I see him rolling his eyes? Could it not be he is just tired, as he says he is? Why do I think he has been drinking only because he is a bit over excited? Canīt he just be happy as he says he is? And every time it led to a fight, to sleeping separated, to silent treatment, to screaming, to threats of him leaving and me begging him to stay, of him breaking stuff, disrespecting, emotionally hurting and humiliating me.
Then I found a couple of times signs of cocaine in the house. I never even smoke a cigarette, so i did not know what to look for. But once I saw a tiny empty bag, and after lying he confirmed my guess, suddenly many signs I remember seeing made sense thinking backwards.
We fought a million times. We found a way back together another million times. But slowly, my energy began to disappear. I tried Al Anon and found some help there. But I also realized one needs to actually want to be there to make it work. I wanted to live and be happy. I did not want to be there. I couldnīt come to terms with the idea that it is an illness and that one has to treat it as such to start moving forward. I still felt it was a choice. One he made day after day. So no wonder I had trouble succeeding. I am doing therapy instead. I asked him to please go get help. He claims he can do it himself. He sees there is a great resemblance to his father, who died due to alcohol and tobacco at 65. But he has always been so disciplined, that he is convinced he can make it alone. Besides, he did not drink during the 10 years we were together in his country, so he is convinced this is only a matter of choice.
Things went on and so did the fighting. Holiday time came and as usual, ended in disaster. Our last fight was different. Something clicked in me.
He threatened to leave. I asked him to please reconsider his decision. But, by the time he changed his mind (as he always does), mine had changed as well. I got scared of thinking what my future will be like. I am tired of crying and being sad. I am lost. I love him dearly and I want the lovely caring guy I fell in love with and married. But I donīt want the other side of him, that appears when things donīt go well.
I always believed that if I or we take away the reason behind his depression then, drinking would stop, and so would doing drugs. Then he would be better. But how do we do that? Who should do that? Besides, I cannot forget the things he said to me. I donīt trust him anymore and rebuilding the trust is a big mountain I feel I have no energy to climb. Who is he? Is he the guy I fell in love with? The caring selfless one with a heart of gold? Is he the one with the temper? Is he the one drinking, lying and humiliating me? Is he the one doing drugs in our own house? Is he all those people?
I know he is hurting. He is sad. He misses me and loves me. I feel helpless. I never stopped loving him, he is the love of my life. Or was. Even when he was mean, even when he was verbally aggressive. I still miss him. And I want him back with me. But only the good version of him. I am scared of the other one and how little and vulnerable it makes me feel. I am so sad to think my marriage could be over. The pain is so overwhelming. Iīve never felt this before. I have always been strong but this has drained all my energy and I am finding it hard to go on.
But I guess that is why I am here. Because deep inside of me, while we love each other dearly and miss us so much it hurts, I feel there is a big chance things won't work out. And I am afraid of letting go, or going back. All I have is fear. No hope. I can't move back to his country into an unstable relationship, although I feel he is happier there. None of the variables that make him unhappy in my country have changed. I am 37 and feel my window for being a mother is growing smaller by the day. We stopped trying to get pregnant, and even if we tried again I fear what a multicultural divorce could do to a child and to both our hearts.
So I guess my question is.... have you experienced anything like this? If so, has anyone tried fighting and was lucky to succeed? Or is a life with happiness elsewhere? Today, I am totally lost.... and deeply depressed.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Dear Hope,
Welcome. We are glad you are here and are reaching out. I'm so sorry for the difficult situation you find yourself in. I hear the grief, hurt, sadness and despair in your post.
It's good that you are getting help for yourself in therapy. I would suggest counseling together, but I have a feeling you have suggested that before. You can't force him to change: he's going to have to WANT to get better for himself and for you.
Having said that, I have to say I'm alarmed at some of the things you describe: Being "full of fear"... with him "lying, humiliating and disrespecting" you. That you are "broken" and "scared of him" and that he makes you feel "small and vulnerable". It doesn't matter if this is "only" when he's been drinking or drugging: He's making you live with him while he's drinking and drugging. This is the way he's choosing to live his life, and you are paying the price with him.
It is not good. This is not the way your spouse should treat you. He should be your safe place. Your supporter and best friend. Every marriage has challenges and difficulties and disagreements, but this sounds abusive to me.
If he won't change, ultimately, you have to decide what is right for YOU and in your best interests, especially if he is not willing to change or even try. You have to consider your well being, your peace of mind, your safety, your future. Life should be better than this.
There's a Friends and Family section here that might be helpful to you, though I'm sure you are welcome to post here in Newcomers too. This is a wonderful forum with all kinds of wise and caring people. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
I hope that some others will respond and help. I just wanted to welcome you and let you know we are here for you.
Take care of yourself.
Welcome. We are glad you are here and are reaching out. I'm so sorry for the difficult situation you find yourself in. I hear the grief, hurt, sadness and despair in your post.
It's good that you are getting help for yourself in therapy. I would suggest counseling together, but I have a feeling you have suggested that before. You can't force him to change: he's going to have to WANT to get better for himself and for you.
Having said that, I have to say I'm alarmed at some of the things you describe: Being "full of fear"... with him "lying, humiliating and disrespecting" you. That you are "broken" and "scared of him" and that he makes you feel "small and vulnerable". It doesn't matter if this is "only" when he's been drinking or drugging: He's making you live with him while he's drinking and drugging. This is the way he's choosing to live his life, and you are paying the price with him.
It is not good. This is not the way your spouse should treat you. He should be your safe place. Your supporter and best friend. Every marriage has challenges and difficulties and disagreements, but this sounds abusive to me.
If he won't change, ultimately, you have to decide what is right for YOU and in your best interests, especially if he is not willing to change or even try. You have to consider your well being, your peace of mind, your safety, your future. Life should be better than this.
There's a Friends and Family section here that might be helpful to you, though I'm sure you are welcome to post here in Newcomers too. This is a wonderful forum with all kinds of wise and caring people. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
I hope that some others will respond and help. I just wanted to welcome you and let you know we are here for you.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 40
It will be much easier and more rewarding recovering from the end of the relationship, than to continue it and down the road of addiction. He hasn't hit rock bottom, and things will get worse. You cannot go through treatment for him, he has to do it. And with people in that state, any sign that you're about to leave might just up his intake and also the aggression. So, my advice is to not return to the relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you for your words Gilmer and azwakeupcall, and sorry for not answering before. I just felt I could not breath. I feel you are right. I wish things were different. I hoped to be in a different situation by now with my life. Not sure when and why it all went downwards, just wished it never did.
Thank you again for taking the time to read me, and answer.
Thank you again for taking the time to read me, and answer.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I think there's some great advice here Hope09.
I used to believe that too - but for me the truth was I actually outdrank many of the issues I started drinking for - I kept drinking because I became an alcoholic.
To get and stay in recovery I needed to not only tackle those underlying issues but my drinking as well.
Its a hard choice you have to make but I think you deserve a partner who is committed to you 100% not someone already deep in a relationship with the bottle.
D
I always believed that if I or we take away the reason behind his depression then, drinking would stop, and so would doing drugs. Then he would be better.
To get and stay in recovery I needed to not only tackle those underlying issues but my drinking as well.
Its a hard choice you have to make but I think you deserve a partner who is committed to you 100% not someone already deep in a relationship with the bottle.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
the situation you describe sounds like he is in active and progressively-worsening addiction - and you are in active and challenging co-dependency.
My suggestion is that the healthiest thing for YOU is to address your own needs, boundaries, safety, health and best interest.
All of the above are probably best tended to without him.
I can understand wanting to help someone you love, wanting not to give up on them, wanting not to be "that person" even to the detriment of your own health. I've been there.
But from what you've shared, in my experience and what I've seen in life - the best course is to carry on and take care of YOU.
Life is too short, too precious and too fleeting to spend in this sort of mess.
My suggestion is that the healthiest thing for YOU is to address your own needs, boundaries, safety, health and best interest.
All of the above are probably best tended to without him.
I can understand wanting to help someone you love, wanting not to give up on them, wanting not to be "that person" even to the detriment of your own health. I've been there.
But from what you've shared, in my experience and what I've seen in life - the best course is to carry on and take care of YOU.
Life is too short, too precious and too fleeting to spend in this sort of mess.
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