I am such a loser and I am terrified
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 14
I am such a loser and I am terrified
I am a weekend drinker. Sometimes every weekend, sometimes not. My husband drinks. But he doesn't blackout like I do. I have blacked out too many times to remember this year.
I don't want to drink anymore. I am so terrified of what I am becoming. Both of my parents are alcoholics. Every uncle and aunt on my dads side had a drinking or drug problem at one time. My aunt and uncle on my moms side are recovering alcoholics. And I am so ashamed to admit I am alcoholic. I know its because of the stigma society attaches to being an alcoholic. I'm not so sure I believe its a disease and its something I cant help.
I normally stick to beer. Two weeks ago I drank a half bottle of wine and beer and was so sick I couldnt make it through the day at work and left early.
Saturday I drank whiskey and beer. That was a mistake because I woke up at 4 in the morning yesterday vomiting. When I finally woke up and got to work I saw the damage that occurred as a result of my poor choices; gashed open foot from some glass that someone dropped on me at a bar, bruises all over my body, I must have fallen at some point because I cant barely walk, and I have a skinned knee. I did make it to work on Sunday but had to leave early because of my knee. I had to call in sick today because my knee is in such terrible shape I am unable to walk.
And now here I am, guilt ridden, ashamed, absolutely disgusted in myself. I don't want to talk to anyone I know about this because of how ashamed I am. I feel like calling my husband at work this minute and talking to him, telling him how I feel....but I'm not sure how he will react.
I have two little boys. They never see me when I'm wasted. They're always asleep. They just see me lay around the day after in absolute misery. My oldest is 10 and is starting to figure out what's going on.
I let my husband know that I am choosing not to drink. He respects my decision but is unwilling to quit drinking with me. He said he wouldn't drink this weekend. By the way, on July 4 I told myself I would quit drinking. And I have drank about 4 times since then.
Earlier this year, I was able to stop drinking for a whole three months. I dont know whata different this time?
And I'm terrified about what my coworkers think of me...I know the fear and guilt will be gone by Wednesday or Thursday. But today its bad.
My plan is to use this forum as a tool to stop. I dont want to drink anymore.
I don't want to drink anymore. I am so terrified of what I am becoming. Both of my parents are alcoholics. Every uncle and aunt on my dads side had a drinking or drug problem at one time. My aunt and uncle on my moms side are recovering alcoholics. And I am so ashamed to admit I am alcoholic. I know its because of the stigma society attaches to being an alcoholic. I'm not so sure I believe its a disease and its something I cant help.
I normally stick to beer. Two weeks ago I drank a half bottle of wine and beer and was so sick I couldnt make it through the day at work and left early.
Saturday I drank whiskey and beer. That was a mistake because I woke up at 4 in the morning yesterday vomiting. When I finally woke up and got to work I saw the damage that occurred as a result of my poor choices; gashed open foot from some glass that someone dropped on me at a bar, bruises all over my body, I must have fallen at some point because I cant barely walk, and I have a skinned knee. I did make it to work on Sunday but had to leave early because of my knee. I had to call in sick today because my knee is in such terrible shape I am unable to walk.
And now here I am, guilt ridden, ashamed, absolutely disgusted in myself. I don't want to talk to anyone I know about this because of how ashamed I am. I feel like calling my husband at work this minute and talking to him, telling him how I feel....but I'm not sure how he will react.
I have two little boys. They never see me when I'm wasted. They're always asleep. They just see me lay around the day after in absolute misery. My oldest is 10 and is starting to figure out what's going on.
I let my husband know that I am choosing not to drink. He respects my decision but is unwilling to quit drinking with me. He said he wouldn't drink this weekend. By the way, on July 4 I told myself I would quit drinking. And I have drank about 4 times since then.
Earlier this year, I was able to stop drinking for a whole three months. I dont know whata different this time?
And I'm terrified about what my coworkers think of me...I know the fear and guilt will be gone by Wednesday or Thursday. But today its bad.
My plan is to use this forum as a tool to stop. I dont want to drink anymore.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 19
Its your choice and only yours to make try not to rely on anyone to give up with you as it can drag you down if the other drinks..
Im sure SR has wonderfull people to help and support you but you gotta be true to yourself and stick with it as it does get easier and soon you will gradually take back control of your life.
Wish you the best.
Im sure SR has wonderfull people to help and support you but you gotta be true to yourself and stick with it as it does get easier and soon you will gradually take back control of your life.
Wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Silvermaster 
Its your choice and only yours to make try not to rely on anyone to give up with you as it can drag you down if the other drinks..
Im sure SR has wonderfull people to help and support you but you gotta be true to yourself and stick with it as it does get easier and soon you will gradually take back control of your life.
Wish you the best.
Im sure SR has wonderfull people to help and support you but you gotta be true to yourself and stick with it as it does get easier and soon you will gradually take back control of your life.
Wish you the best.
I know it gets easier with time.
I just need someone to talk to....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
Welcome to SR. The guilt and shame are awful......you can make that stop for once and for all.
I have asked my partner not to drink in the house. It really helps me. I don't think I would have made it if there was alcohol at home. Other folks seem to be able to do it but for me it would still be unbearable to be around alcohol in my 'safe place' (I drank at home so it is my main association).
Keep reading and posting - there are lots of people on the site that can offer you guidance.
Best Wishes
I have asked my partner not to drink in the house. It really helps me. I don't think I would have made it if there was alcohol at home. Other folks seem to be able to do it but for me it would still be unbearable to be around alcohol in my 'safe place' (I drank at home so it is my main association).
Keep reading and posting - there are lots of people on the site that can offer you guidance.
Best Wishes
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Welcome, ICFMM. Read around. You will see that this is a wonderful, kind, supportive, encouraging, and often inspirational website!
Most of us have been just as miserable as you are: but we have caught the vision that not only can we stop drinking and harming ourselves, but we can live fuller lives and become deeper people.
I think you will like it here.
You'll find lots of ideas and practical tips for how to go about quitting for good.
Most of us have been just as miserable as you are: but we have caught the vision that not only can we stop drinking and harming ourselves, but we can live fuller lives and become deeper people.
I think you will like it here.
You'll find lots of ideas and practical tips for how to go about quitting for good.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 194
You are Not a loser, just in hell mode. The guilt and shame on hangover day is pure hell, but will pass! Part of the problem with it passing, however, is that we forget that hell and drink again. Don't forget it like I did countless times, and you will find peace, however counterintuitive it seems, in remembering that hell! You can do it, you can do anything you set your heart on!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 14
Thanks guys.
I know I can do this....part of it is remembering the horrors and the consequences of drinking. I just need to remind myself what has happened again and again and again as a result of my drinking.
I know I'm not the only person in the world that has felt this way or experienced what I have. However, it is difficult to make myself believe that other people are in and have been in the same situation as me and possibly worse off than me.
My husbabd has a "normal" job. He is off on the weekends, whereas I am not. So we drink on the weekends. I can ask him to go out to the bar and drink. He will gladly agree. But that will be expensive. At this point, I'm not sure I care if he blows $80 weekly at the bar....its almost a pay off for me not having that around me.
And yes, my home is my safe place...
I know I can do this....part of it is remembering the horrors and the consequences of drinking. I just need to remind myself what has happened again and again and again as a result of my drinking.
I know I'm not the only person in the world that has felt this way or experienced what I have. However, it is difficult to make myself believe that other people are in and have been in the same situation as me and possibly worse off than me.
My husbabd has a "normal" job. He is off on the weekends, whereas I am not. So we drink on the weekends. I can ask him to go out to the bar and drink. He will gladly agree. But that will be expensive. At this point, I'm not sure I care if he blows $80 weekly at the bar....its almost a pay off for me not having that around me.
And yes, my home is my safe place...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 14
Its like this guilt and shame I am feeling is my punishment for being so deplorable this past weekend.
And yes. It is hell. Absolute hell. I would rather be physically ill than have these terrible thoughts I am having.
And yes. It is hell. Absolute hell. I would rather be physically ill than have these terrible thoughts I am having.
You'll find lots of support here. I hope we can help you get sober for good. Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Welcome!
Blackouts are very scary. I had them at the end of my drinking days and it still scares me when I think of them. Those are memories that were never made, so I will never remember what happened and what I did. And, they are especially scary for women.
I hope you decide to stop drinking. Try to step away from your husband's drinking and just focus on you. Whether or not he drinks doesn't
have to affect your decision to remain sober.
You are to alone, so please continue to read and post.
Blackouts are very scary. I had them at the end of my drinking days and it still scares me when I think of them. Those are memories that were never made, so I will never remember what happened and what I did. And, they are especially scary for women.
I hope you decide to stop drinking. Try to step away from your husband's drinking and just focus on you. Whether or not he drinks doesn't
have to affect your decision to remain sober.
You are to alone, so please continue to read and post.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Queensland
Posts: 568
The mental anguish is far worse than the physical I think. Dark thoughts entering your mind and you can't relieve these thoughts with a panadol or glass of water. You have to wade through them, try some positive self talk (very hard to do at first but does get easier with practice).
You are a good person who has an allergy to alcohol. Alcohol doesn't agree with your body. Remove alcohol and your body and importantly, your mind, will heal. Takes a bit of time.
You got this
You are a good person who has an allergy to alcohol. Alcohol doesn't agree with your body. Remove alcohol and your body and importantly, your mind, will heal. Takes a bit of time.
You got this
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
reaching out is a very brave step. you are not a loser, you are just lost in a big problem at the moment. there IS a solution, you can get sober and stay sober. you can assure you will never ever feel the way you do right now. it begins and ends with not drinking. in between there are many steps you can take to help get in a good frame of mind and to embrace recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Anna
Welcome!
Blackouts are very scary. I had them at the end of my drinking days and it still scares me when I think of them. Those are memories that were never made, so I will never remember what happened and what I did. And, they are especially scary for women.
I hope you decide to stop drinking. Try to step away from your husband's drinking and just focus on you. Whether or not he drinks doesn't
have to affect your decision to remain sober.
You are to alone, so please continue to read and post.
Blackouts are very scary. I had them at the end of my drinking days and it still scares me when I think of them. Those are memories that were never made, so I will never remember what happened and what I did. And, they are especially scary for women.
I hope you decide to stop drinking. Try to step away from your husband's drinking and just focus on you. Whether or not he drinks doesn't
have to affect your decision to remain sober.
You are to alone, so please continue to read and post.
Typically, when I accomplish or do something positive, my husband usually follows. So maybe once he sees the positives of me not drinking, he will follow.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You're not a loser. You are doing something about it.
Weekends were my main mayhem times as well. NOwadays I start the weekend with my favourite meeting (Friday night is a real feel-good meet up and I now travel there with AA friends as well, so it's pretty social). I finish the weekend with my nice calm Sunday night meeting. Bracketing my weekends with support like that seems to really work for me. It also means I don't get all self-pitying when my partner heads off to town to get beered up. Actually the last few Fridays he's even been a bit jealous because I've been having more of a fun social time than he did hahaha.
Be a friend to yourself. That means be kind. No name-calling. Supportive words only xx
Weekends were my main mayhem times as well. NOwadays I start the weekend with my favourite meeting (Friday night is a real feel-good meet up and I now travel there with AA friends as well, so it's pretty social). I finish the weekend with my nice calm Sunday night meeting. Bracketing my weekends with support like that seems to really work for me. It also means I don't get all self-pitying when my partner heads off to town to get beered up. Actually the last few Fridays he's even been a bit jealous because I've been having more of a fun social time than he did hahaha.
Be a friend to yourself. That means be kind. No name-calling. Supportive words only xx
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