Need help or advice regarding my husband /cocaine

Old 08-13-2017, 03:59 PM
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Need help or advice regarding my husband /cocaine

My husband used to use cocaine a few times a year socially and I'm not ok with it at all. We talked about it and he agreed he wouldn't do it anymore or after we got married. He said he was looking to stop anyways due to his age and always knew he'd stop when he became a father, aside from that he is incredibly healthy and health consious. Food, exercise, avoiding processed foods and even limits scented candles... so strange that he ever did cocaine.

On his stag he did cocaine . .. he answered yes as soon as I asked him so was honest but I was so upset I almost called off the wedding. I had issues with coke in my family growing up and I refuse to put myself or my children through that. After a long day of discussion we left it as a miscommunication about stopping after marriage and it was one last send off. I left it at that as he only used maybe 3 or 4 times in a year so I didn't think there was an addiction, easy to stop and he promised.

Well he went out with his guy friends last night and I saw a message on his Facebook asking his friend for some "gear" for himself and another friend. I was so upset I was shaking. He told me just a few days before that friend didn't do cocaine. I always get nervous when he goes out, fear that hell do it. Then when I told him I know he got some for his friend he admitted to connecting 2 ppl but that he didn't get any for himself, didn't touch or pay for any just connected 2 people, he didn't do it. I asked him about it, he says he didn't actually do it but he lied last night and all day when I continued to ask if he asked for some for himself. Finally I told him I read the message on his phone and he said finally admitted he asked for it for the both of them and for a day or so got caught up in it as he hasn't been out for a long time and thought about doing it. But on his way to the get together he thought about the fentanyl crisis in the news (coke being laced with it etc) and I had sent him a text saying have fun don't do anything that would make me mad and I'll see you later. So apparently he decided not to do it.

Now I'm having trouble. Even if he didn't actually do it he still thought about it, set it up and planned to do it. Only at the last minute decided against it, what's to stop him next time? What if there wasnt a fentanyl crisis? What if i hadn't texted him? What if next time were fighting And he's upset with me? What if he doesn't ponder until it's too late? And to be honest with all the lies I don't know whether or not to believe him that he didn't do it. I feel like he only admitted to things when he knew he was caught. What is he still lying about now that he hasn't been caught about yet? How could he even consider it knowing that his wife and child are on the line? I made it abundantly clear after his stag I would not stay around if he ever did it again ... I feel like he was choosing it over me, even if he didn't actually end up doing it he planned to for a day or two before their night out ..

He says he has always been honest about doing it when I've asked him in the past, which is true. But after his stag I said I'd leave if he ever did it again and he lied about multiple other things related to the cocaine situation over the last week.

I love my husband and want to work it out and have a beautiful family but Don't want to be the foolish woman who ignores the red flags until it's too late ... on top of this I'm 27 weeks pregnant and scared that I'm putting too much stress on the baby crying for 2 days ... we've lost one baby in the past .. then the lies... he doesnt lie about anything else (that i know of), still I feel I cant trust him anymore. I don't want to stress and panic and worry anytime he's out without me, that's not how it should be.

Worst day I've had in a while and I don't know what to do.. any advice would be helpful
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Anna (08-13-2017)
Old 08-13-2017, 05:55 PM
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I absolutely hate saying things like this, but as a drug addict I know all too well about engaging in those behaviors. There's a good chance he lied to you about using. 'I didn't use any, just got it for a friend.' Know how many times I said that? It was a lie, every time. Lying and addiction go hand in hand. They thrive on each other.
I don't want to be negative. We are all here to help you. The most important thing you can do is take care of yourself, and your baby. Living in constant suspicion and fear, and going through his messages looking for 'evidence' is just no way to live. You deserve more, much more.
Here is a link to the family and friends message board. You will find an overwhelming amount of support there.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Please stay, post, ask questions, and read. I truly wish you the best, because you deserve to be happy.

EDIT: I see you already found the F&F boards. You are in the right place.

Last edited by mm1741; 08-13-2017 at 05:58 PM. Reason: small note
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Old 08-13-2017, 06:52 PM
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I'm sorry for your situation and I hope your pregnancy goes well.

If you feel you can't trust your husband anymore, that says a lot. If you are stressed when he goes out or contacts certain friends, will you be able to live your life like that? It sounds to me that your husband isn't ready to stop using cocaine. You can't make him stop. He must make that decision himself. Above all, take care of yourself and your baby.
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Old 08-13-2017, 11:26 PM
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The thing is, when you quit drugs, you quit the lifestyle. The friends, the dealers, the whole sordid affair. Why? Because that scene is all about group using and basically you tolerate the people for the hookup they provide. I have never personally known anyone who gave up drugs that didn't also give up all those user friends and dealers as well. And it's not the same as having a best friend who also uses, because that best friend will have his own hookup. These friends are relying on him to connect themselves to dealers for drugs. Huge red flag.
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