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Day 12 after relapse. No temptation to drink, but such a weird day...



Day 12 after relapse. No temptation to drink, but such a weird day...

Old 08-10-2017, 11:33 PM
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Day 12 after relapse. No temptation to drink, but such a weird day...

I am trying to give myself a wide berth for my emotional and physical lethargy right now, because I do feel that its entirely possible I did some damage to my natural brain chemistry through my drinking over the years...

Which will mean that simple joy, and the energy kicks that come with feeling inspired, might be a little harder to come by for awhile.

Which means that imagining a clean house, and knowing how great that will feel, will not be great motivators to ACTUALLY CLEAN THE HOUSE as they should be... Not for a while.

The day will come again when I get that fun, light feeling about how great it will feel to do this or that... and my brain chemistry will kick in the way its supposed to and I will be able to actually MOVE on the wings on that inspiration and goal... and DO STUFF.

Today, though, has not been a bad day. Its instead been.. A DAY.

I may have watched too much recovery /addiction focused youtube documentaries today, however, because there were times today when I felt the strange guilt and lethargy of drinking, even though I did not have a drop and have not imbibed in 12 days.

Not sure how healthy it is to watch too much of that stuff.

Several times, alone most of the day, I felt insecurity and self worth issues creeping around my mind. I feel I handled them with relative ease.

I simply noticed them, felt some pain about them, and trudged onward, not feeding them any more THOUGHT FOOD. They passed.

I cleaned a bit more today. Its really far from where I want it to be. But thats just gotta be okay.

My relationship with Thomas has not yet come back into balance, so though that feels uncomfortable, I am at a loss for now as to what to do, and I think just leaving it alone for now is wise.

This time around... when I start feeling inner crap... I remind myself how grateful I am that I am sober.

So... thats progress, I like that habit. I like being grateful for my sobriety. Its a great feeling.

I am repeating my mantra to: TURN UP THE VOLUME OF MY SPIRITUAL VOICE, and TURN DOWN THE VOLUME OF MY ADDICTED VOICE... That I may get to know the difference between the two in a very deep way.

I want those voices to be unmistakable... which ones are speaking and when.

And I really feel that mantra is deeply effective.

While walking my dog tonight I saw a guy coming home from work walk past me with his treasured 6 pac of beer.

I noted the beer and checked in with my feelings. My addicted voice was literally barely audible. No envy. None whatsoever. No desire.

And come to think of it... WOW... Two more things:

Tonight I was at the store with my dog. A woman was in front of me buying two bottles of wine. She had just come home from work. She was well dressed, and around my age. I should not assume, but I got the feeling both bottles were for her. There was something about this woman that felt... like I was seeing an aspect of my drinking self in her. Various little clues that she might be struggling with her drinking.

But you know what? I noticed THAT. I noticed her buying the wine. I secretly wondered if she had a problem.
But I never ONCE thought of drinking that wine, or getting a bottle, nothing... zilch. No envy. No longing. Wow. I am just now realizing it.

The issue of drinking for me tonight... was just NOT THERE. Her wine buying did not trigger me at all!

The other thing i want to mention is that I only had two cigarettes today and only 3 or four yesterday! Now THAT is truly STRANGE!

I wasnt even trying to quit.

But I did notice today... a lot ... when I would reach for a cigarette, I made numerous logical decisions NOT TO SMOKE... without any issue!

I remember thinking: Hmmm... You dont really want a cigarette right now. And also it feels awful in your lungs. Nevermind... You dont need to smoke right now. There is no urgent need for it.

And I just left the pack alone!

NOW... if thats not recognizing WHICH VOICE IS SPEAKING, I dont know WHAT that is. Turning the volume up on the RIGHT and HEALTHY voice seems to be working thus far!
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Old 08-10-2017, 11:44 PM
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I simply cannot get over that fact... That I had no thoughts of drinking, no thoughts of MY DRINKING, OR MY SOBRIETY when I saw that woman with those bottles of wine tonight. She could have been buying a bag of DORITOS! Thats how totally unreactive my mind and body was to the wine in her hands!
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Old 08-10-2017, 11:48 PM
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I have days like this, I hope to have more days like this!
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Old 08-11-2017, 05:52 AM
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You are making great progress with your self-awareness, herculana

I gave myself a full year to get my equilibrium back. And it turned out that I really needed that time to heal, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I look forward to following your continuing journey.

Sobriety rocks!!!!!
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Old 08-11-2017, 03:25 PM
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I'm glad to hear that things are going well recoverywise, Herculana
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