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Dealing with people that never let you forget

Old 08-10-2017, 09:01 AM
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Dealing with people that never let you forget

Hi. I'm running close to 4 months sober now. My body is feeling great. Feeling wise it's ok with little ups and little downs. Cravings are gone. Things are going well.

Most people around me are supportive. But I have one sister, who seems to never let me forget my drinking days and she tells me in ways that is mean and spiteful.

My mother has done a lot for my sister. Wakes up early, takes her kids to school, picks them up, takes them to all their extra curricular actives. Pays for my sisters kids clothes, pays for my sisters eye surgery. My sister is married with a husband. I felt that both take advantage of her, and do not do anything in return. When they showed up at my mom's 70th birthday with no present, I called my sister selfish. Nothing less nothing more. And I said it in a way that was not accusing etc.
(I understand, my mom needs to set boundaries, I shouldn't come between them, but my sister is overstepping on the poor lady)

Well she went on a rampage on my drinking and bringing up every quality of my drinking. Saying things like i have nothing to show for in my life etc.

Her thinking is, because she is not an alcoholic, she is redeemed of every negative quality about herself.
How to deal with those types of people?
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Old 08-10-2017, 09:24 AM
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Just out of interest I have to ask, how did you manage to tell your sister that she was selfish in a way that managedto be non-accusatory and non-judgemental?

I think it's possibly worth laying off of any kind of judging of others, especially if we hope that they will be gracious to us. The only inventory that will get us well by taking it is our own. Taking other people's inventories kind of opens us up to them doing the same for us, and when our active alcoholic past is not in such a dim distance that , for me anyway, was painful and worth avoiding.

It might be worth taking it on the chin and accept responsibility for your part in the disagreement under the circumstances. The other option is to carry it on, and the trouble with that is, your sister might have more mud ready to sling than you do. (That is, of course, presuming that you have managed to treat people as I did most alcoholics do when they are active over their drinking years. ie with little regard for others needs, and being pretty unavailable emotionally. Perhaps you were an unusual exception to that trend though).

I took the option of laying low, apart from a few moments of madness where I stuck my head above the parapet, which I quickly regretted.

Hope it simmers down soon.

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Old 08-10-2017, 09:56 AM
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"How to deal with those types of people?'
dont engage
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Old 08-10-2017, 10:23 AM
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It seems like your sister is a bit entitled. Your mother is probably too giving, but that is her choice.

She wants to take the focus off of herself by attacking you.. Well, then all you need to do is say "I have been sober for four months, and I am working every day to better myself. That's all I can tell you." And excuse yourself.
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Old 08-10-2017, 10:32 AM
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you did take her inventory first, called her selfish - no matter which other words you used. in that light, she fired back.

in the future, don't fire the first shot.
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