First AA meeting after relapse - I have some concerns: need advice
Learning to Live
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: CA
Posts: 203
First AA meeting after relapse - I have some concerns: need advice
First let me say I'm on day 9 and feeling really good. Very optimistic, no temptations yet, overall it's been great.
Ok, a little back story. My younger cousin has struggled with addiction terribly since she was about 13 (she's now 21). She uses everything under the sun; heroin, meth, alcohol, nicotine, acid, paint thinner...you get the idea. She has quit and relapsed many times. Anyway, she quit on Friday so her mom wanted me to call and talk to her about my experience with alcohol, maybe make her feel not so alone. I called her yesterday and she brightened up, immediately invited me to her AA group meeting that night. I agreed to go, mostly for her since she sounded to excited for me to be there.
I went and the group is really nice, they invited me out again tonight. I talked to my cousins sponsor who is a nice girl. Here's my issue; my cousin now wants me to join this group and attend their meetings and her sponsor wants to be my sponsor. Like I said, the group is great...I just didn't feel that *click* that I'm assuming you should feel?
I'm also concerned that if I do this, I will start to feel responsible for my cousins sobriety, and I have my own to worry about. She's really excited to have me be a part of her group, so I don't know how to let her know I really don't want to be, without messing up her sobriety. She's extremely fragile atm.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Ok, a little back story. My younger cousin has struggled with addiction terribly since she was about 13 (she's now 21). She uses everything under the sun; heroin, meth, alcohol, nicotine, acid, paint thinner...you get the idea. She has quit and relapsed many times. Anyway, she quit on Friday so her mom wanted me to call and talk to her about my experience with alcohol, maybe make her feel not so alone. I called her yesterday and she brightened up, immediately invited me to her AA group meeting that night. I agreed to go, mostly for her since she sounded to excited for me to be there.
I went and the group is really nice, they invited me out again tonight. I talked to my cousins sponsor who is a nice girl. Here's my issue; my cousin now wants me to join this group and attend their meetings and her sponsor wants to be my sponsor. Like I said, the group is great...I just didn't feel that *click* that I'm assuming you should feel?
I'm also concerned that if I do this, I will start to feel responsible for my cousins sobriety, and I have my own to worry about. She's really excited to have me be a part of her group, so I don't know how to let her know I really don't want to be, without messing up her sobriety. She's extremely fragile atm.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
MAJOR red flags flying alll over your post,jezzi.
YOUR recovery is YOUR recovery. her fagility is NOT your responsibility.
HER sponsor wanting to now be YOUR sponsor is saying something to me, something like itsa sponsor that has some other motive.i have heard it a few times and have said it myself, i will NOT sponsor 2 people in the same family.
"She's really excited to have me be a part of her group, so I don't know how to let her know I really don't want to be, without messing up her sobriety. She's extremely fragile atm."
you are not powerful enough to screw up someone elses sobriety and even then, their sobriety cant be screwed up without their consent.
you are NOT responsible for anyones recovery but your own.
"NO" is a complete sentence and no explaination necessary.
however, its very simple to say something like,"thank you for the offer, but im going to decline." no explaination is necessary. if asked why, its simple to say,"because i said so."
"immediately invited me to her AA group meeting that night. I agreed to go, mostly for her since she sounded to excited for me to be there."
jezzi, going to meetings is for YOU and noone esle. period.this is the time for you to be selfish.
your cousin can feel so not alone by going to meetings and listening.
just as you do.
YOUR recovery is YOUR recovery. her fagility is NOT your responsibility.
HER sponsor wanting to now be YOUR sponsor is saying something to me, something like itsa sponsor that has some other motive.i have heard it a few times and have said it myself, i will NOT sponsor 2 people in the same family.
"She's really excited to have me be a part of her group, so I don't know how to let her know I really don't want to be, without messing up her sobriety. She's extremely fragile atm."
you are not powerful enough to screw up someone elses sobriety and even then, their sobriety cant be screwed up without their consent.
you are NOT responsible for anyones recovery but your own.
"NO" is a complete sentence and no explaination necessary.
however, its very simple to say something like,"thank you for the offer, but im going to decline." no explaination is necessary. if asked why, its simple to say,"because i said so."
"immediately invited me to her AA group meeting that night. I agreed to go, mostly for her since she sounded to excited for me to be there."
jezzi, going to meetings is for YOU and noone esle. period.this is the time for you to be selfish.
your cousin can feel so not alone by going to meetings and listening.
just as you do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Jezzi 
I tend to be a "fixer". Everyone in my family relies on me for help, advice, etc. even my elders. I'm not sure how to not be.
and by saying,"NO."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
When the time is right you CHOOSE YOUR sponsor based on them having the kind of sobriety that YOU want.
Personally I would prefer a sponsor not also sponsoring a member of my family, but hey ho. It is fine for you to say you enjoyed the meeting but would prefer to take things more slowly. Your cousin is in early days and no doubt full of enthusiasm that she wants to share, but further down the line when she's doing steps 4 & 5 I suspect she'll be grateful that you didnt opt for the same sponsor as her if you do decide to give AA a go.
Socialising after meetings isnt always for everyone either. I dont mind meeting with a few of my closer recovery friends and going for coffee sometimes. as I've got to know a couple of them better we've also been on weekends away and day trips, but that took time, building up trust and getting to know them - even more difficult when I was changing so much over time, and so were they.
Its fine to be honest with your cousin about this. If she's hurt or disappointed then she has a sponsor to help her through it.
Wishing you all the best for YOUR sobriety and YOUR recovery, and your cousin all the best for HERs.
BB
Personally I would prefer a sponsor not also sponsoring a member of my family, but hey ho. It is fine for you to say you enjoyed the meeting but would prefer to take things more slowly. Your cousin is in early days and no doubt full of enthusiasm that she wants to share, but further down the line when she's doing steps 4 & 5 I suspect she'll be grateful that you didnt opt for the same sponsor as her if you do decide to give AA a go.
Socialising after meetings isnt always for everyone either. I dont mind meeting with a few of my closer recovery friends and going for coffee sometimes. as I've got to know a couple of them better we've also been on weekends away and day trips, but that took time, building up trust and getting to know them - even more difficult when I was changing so much over time, and so were they.
Its fine to be honest with your cousin about this. If she's hurt or disappointed then she has a sponsor to help her through it.
Wishing you all the best for YOUR sobriety and YOUR recovery, and your cousin all the best for HERs.
BB
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