Mummyto2

The amends step, if someone is vile to you (not an alcoholic) and then you retaliate either drinking or not drinking, do you have to make amends even though they were the one to start it, was always curious on this

August252015

Yes- any part that I played in the dynamics of a relationship is mine to own. The BB instructs us to make amends to anyone we have harmed, including ourselves (that's something worth really pondering as at first it sounds counter-intuitive), except where to do so would injure the other party. IME and IMO, when I look(ed) closely at almost every single person/relationship/situation, I had to own a part. There are some exceptions where the person was the sole one who did harm (here I think of something like rape), and I must compartmentalize that in a different place than I do the amends made.

Hope that helps.

aasharon90

Before I make my amends too quickly,
I have to go away where it is quiet and
I'm alone to think about the part I played
in an argument or discusion that may
have gotten out of hand.

Make a list, pray on it asking for forgiveness,
strength and guidance in making an amend.

There's always 2 sides to a story.

I have to make sure I apologize for
my part and in the learning process
we learn how not to do it again, say
something wrong, hurtful or disrespectful.

Sometimes it takes time for lessons
to be learned on our part but eventually
we will know when to walk away just
so we don't have to return to make amends
on our part.

I'll apologize if I'm wrong and
try not to repeat. Lesson learned.

Mummyto2

Thanks guys, this particular person in question ie relative, it would harm them and myself to get in touch with so I wont be, not out of spite but because I love her too much to bring everything up again, I have never had a problem saying sorry to anyone, sometimes I say it too much or even if its not my fault just to keep the peace, thanks for the advice Ladies

Berrybean

If its someone you are still in contact with it might just be to right any lingering wrong / discord / or doubt about how you feel about them. Perhaps by giving them a slightly bigger hug than usual and telling them ts good to see them.

Amends are not the same as apoplogies. They are more showing willing to put right past harms or hurts. Perhaps you and your sponsor will just decide that you are already making living amends by letting bygones be bygones, choosing to let go of any resentments held against that person and striving towards love and unity with them, for the sake of all involved.

A lot of my amends ended up being 'Living' amends. I thought that was great til I realised its an ongoing job and not necessarily the easiest option after all. Haha.

BB

Berrybean

PS Reading around the step 8 and step 9 subforums of the 12-step recovery area helped me prefare mentally for these steps...
Step 8 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Step 9 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

as did listening to AA speakers talkabout it...
http://www.recoveryaudio.org/ (not sure why but this website isnt working right now, which is really unusual, so check back on it another time. Its free and no registration required and there are thousands of recovery speaker recordings to download and listen to, organised by step number so its easy to find relevant ones to listen to).

BB

Mummyto2

Hi I wont be hugging this person as its gone way past that, it started when I was 14 so the drink wasn't involved at that point, as much as AA is great for some, I will be doing other recovery methods although I will be still reading the AA books and listening to AA speakers as I enjoy that, but that way forward is not for me, tried it many times before, as I said its great for some ie I know people who are 20 plus yrs sober because of AA

Zebra1275

A lot of my amends ended up being 'Living' amends. I thought that was great til I realised its an ongoing job and not necessarily the easiest option after all.

Yep, that's true.

I never made an amend to my wife (and my sponsor didn't to his wife either). We've been together over 35 years so there isn't really a specific incident that stands out. And when I was drinking I apologized and said I would stop, blah blah blah . . . about a million times, so making a verbal amend would probably fall on deaf ears.

So a "living" amend was the way I went. It takes some time, but it has worked out well for us. Our marriage is as strong as it's ever been.

Berrybean

Are you sure you actually OWE amends? If this was an instance of abuse for example, then likelihood is that it would just be an oppotunity to go through with your sponsor how to move forward around a justified resentment in such a way that it doesnt need to poison the rest of your life.

BB

Berrybean

Besides. Noone will insist on you making amends to ANYONE. Its down to us and how we feel. Ive often heard of people starting with 3 piles of amends. The Now pile. The Later pile and the never pile. I did this as well. Generally what happens is they start on the Now pile, and by the time they've got to the bottom of that they're ready to start on the 'Next' pile. and surisingly enough, by the time they've worked throuh the 'Next' pile they are ready to tackle some of the 'never' pile.

The program is not all instant. Some people take years to make their amends. They can be made alongside working steps 10, 11 and 12. It's not black and while, all or nothing. It's progress not perfection.

One tricky justified resentment on your inventory doesnt need to stop you making progress on the rest of your amends.

BB

AnvilheadII

so if you don't plan on engaging in the 12 step program of AA, what is the point of asking about one of the steps?

Mummyto2

The reason I asked is because I was curious about it, knowledge is a good thing, anyway thanks for all the replies much appreciated

aasharon90

I commend you for asking Mum. If folks
don't step up and ask for what they need
in aiding them, helping them, guiding them
in the right direction in learning how to work
thru issues that play or played a part in
adding fuel to the fire of their addiction,
then how in the world will they ever achieve
success in recovery and life.

Just saying. Ya know?

Awareness, knowledge, solutions,
communication, understanding etc
are all good in seeking what we need
to help achieve sobriety.....and

If it takes more than one way to
achieve a solid recovery foundation
then by all means use them. It is in
not seeking help or using what is
available out there to get sober or
clean that will keep the addiction
alive and continue to kill folks left
and right.

Mummyto2

Thanks aasharon

aasharon90

Support in recovery is important
as we all are learning new healthy
ways to wipe out this epidemic
of addiction that plagues too many.

I'm here for ya Mumto2.

Mummyto2

Aww thank you so much aasharon

nez

Other people's past actions have absolutely no place in "my" inventory and amends process. If they do appear there, it is because at some level I am using them as justifications for my behavior. Yeah but...

In my inventory and amends process, I go back (as best I can) to my very first recollection on this earth. I do this because I want to clear away "all" the wreckage of my past, not just the wreckage that I deem occurred due to alcohol.

Besides "wreckage that occurred due to alcohol" is "because at some level I am using it as a justification for my behavior". Yeah but...

FreeOwl

why does the situation even arise for you?

I find that most likely, if a situation comes to mind when you're considering the topic of amends - then probably it's due an amends.

Things arise for us not just out of the blue or at random - but because a part of US knows exactly what requires an amends.

Nobody can tell you whether you 'have to make amends' except you.

Do you carry resentment, guilt, shame, anger, frustration, fear, uncertainty or other weight because of an event or series of events that you had a hand in? If so - then you probably have something to do in the amends category.

The whole point of amends is to free yourself from the burden of carrying emotional baggage and allow you to step into the light of renewal and freedom from your own self-judgement and your own trapped feelings.

If you reacted to someone in a way that leads you to carry a sense of guilt - then does it really matter who "started it"?

It comes down to what kind of person we want to BE..... and how the actions of our path may or may not align to that..... and to what degree we're able to put that past down and move on.

Sometimes, we may be able to do that through simple, genuine self-forgiveness. Sometimes, we may feel we were justified in our actions - but still need to take an action to bring closure through amends. Sometimes, it's very clear and obvious that amends are needed.

Listen to your own internal wisdom.

What do YOU think is needed?

Mummyto2

Hi, nez not sure i get what you mean sorry, for me everytime i am in the wrong i have said sorry and meant it, my wreckage as you say has been cleared, apart from my immediate family and myself i have hurt no one, no one could be more sorry and taken action and responsibiltie than me, others that have hurt me i have forgiven NOT for them but for me, the person in question knows how much i love them and them me, but a lot has gone on we have wished each other a happy life future etc, my opinion and mine only, sometimes by going back messes up the future

Mummyto2

I freed myself a long time ago, and no i have no ammends to make, the reason i asked the question in the first place was because i was curious, certainly no shame or guilt, not everyone needs that baggage dragging them down.