102 days in - but I still wish I could drink normally.
 

I haven't had a single sip of alcohol in 102 days. Sometimes I look back on my crappy last few sips of a cider mimosa and wish I would have ended it with something more my style.

I'm in the process of decluttering my home. I'm guessing sobriety has opened my eyes to just how much **** I've been holding on to in my life. I went to the library and got the book Spark Joy by Marie Kondo. In the book, she discusses living in a home where everything has a place and excess clutter just doesn't exist. I've donated at least 150 books to the library, 6 stuffed bags to a thrift store where proceeds go to women who have been subject to domestic abuse, and I've got another six bags in my car full of kitchen gadgets, linens, etc to go to Goodwill. It feels good to rid my life of clutter. One of my last steps is my stemware which has become my Everest. It's extremely hard to part with my glasses. Every time I think about it I get choked up. A couple of weeks ago I was cooking breakfast and I started talking about getting rid of them and the tears just overwhelmed me. My BF held me and told me how proud he is of me. It's hard.

A couple of days ago he went out to a new brewery with a buddy of his. When he came home he told me.. "I'm insanely proud of what you're accomplishing in your life in sobriety, but moments like walking up to a brand new brewery make me miss those moments I shared with you." That's not verbatim, but it's the gist of what he said. I can't fault him for it. Those moments were my favorite as well. Sharing the first sip of a new brew, admiring the new digs and declaring it a new hang out for us..

He's also going to the Sam Adams Brewery next month for a friends birthday. I went the first year they got together and we had a blast. Sigh.

Sometimes you just need to bullet point the reasons why sobriety is the answer:

1) Haven't had a fight with my BF over excess drinking.
2) Absolutely ZERO hangovers in 102 days.
3) Absolutely ZERO guilt on what I might have done or said.
4) I lost five pounds.
5) I'm saving money.
6) Dining out options have increased because I'm not worried about if they serve liquor or not.
7) Focusing in on my hobbies like reading, crocheting, and makeup.
8) Inspired to start drafting up ideas for a book I've wanted to write for a long time.
9) Decluttering the items in my life that give me no joy.
10) I feel like I have so much more time on the weekends.

Feel free to add more in this thread. I need it today for some reason. I'm 100% not going to drink.. but I'm feeling really sad that I can't drink normally..

In the early months of my recovery work, which entailed looking back on my drinking with objectivity and honesty, it became clear that I was never a normal drinker. Oh, there were times where I posed as a normal drinker, but my drinking and my relationship with alcohol was not normal.

Nor would it ever be. Never.

I accepted that, and accepted that I could never drink again. I'm fine with that. No mourning the illusion of normal drinking, no "wishing I could drink normally."

I hope you reach that stage of your recovery.

It took me time and for a while I really mourned my alcoholic life...and I mourned drinking. Drinking was my solution to everything and without it I felt lost. It took some time. At 2 plus years into sobriety I feel better than ever and I am SO GLAD I stuck with this. But what you are feeling is normal. You grieve....this is normal.

Hugs.

Great job on 102 days!

Accepting- truly KNOWING- that I can never drink again did indeed come first....and then I had the realization that I GET to do pretty much anything BECAUSE I am sober. I can make good choices, I have the privilege of going to work (not an ER), etc.

I noticed a lot of things shifted for me around 100 days, 4 mo, and all for the better. Keep choosing sobriety and you can find your own REAL life as I refer to what I have now. And it is absolutely better than anything I had when I was drinking.

congrats on 102 days.

i know now I have never been normal drinker. and never will be. Even when I started as a teen I drank abnormally but just thought I was fun and life and soul of the party.

don't do what I did and start up again. I had 3.5 years and picked up again last year. it really isn't worth it. It doesn't matter how much I WANT to drink normally or wish I could. the fact is I can't.

First off - Way to go on 102 days.

The Romance of drinking has subsided for me..... I love the bullet points you wrote, because they are very tangible. The positives are clear.

On rough days.... I try to "remember" that 1 drink will not "do it for me".... I won't be able to just have a taste. Addiction sucks! It took me a while to "GET" this and I pray every day that I will "Remember".

On the positives. I think the not being "guilty" or worrying about what I did, said. Also, I know my face is much more "gentle looking" .,. Meaning I am not a blurry eyed, scary looking drunkard anymore..

Keep on the sober path. In time, those thoughts will diminish. One day, you'll find you have no desire to drink "normally".

I'm very happy for you and love the sobriety bullet points. I'm going to do the same thing.

Those moments were my favorite as well. Sharing the first sip of a new brew, admiring the new digs and declaring it a new hang out for us..

so let's take the tape off pause and hit the play button - after the MOMENT, after the FIRST sip........then what happened? be very careful of romanticizing your drinking. you wouldn't be HERE if it was ever NORMAL. we aren't the one glass of crisp chardonnay with lunch crowd here.......

102 days is awesome! yet still early days. don't expect TOO much too soon. give time time. stay sober and let the good things in life happen.

Good job on 102 days!

A few years before I quit for good, I was diagnosed with something that would definitely preclude drinking.

I was not happy about this but it obviously wasn't the "hint" that I needed to quit alcohol for good. Nope. I remember lamenting to my best drinking friend, "I feel ripped off because now I will never have a chance to have "one" glass of wine with dinner or "one" baileys and coffee on a chilly winters day. Or "one" drink with co-workers at the end of the day. I felt like the chance/choice to drink normally was being taken away from me. How unfair!!!!!

And then, oh happy day, my health crisis resolved and I went back to, not "one" drink with friends, but you know, 1000 drinks with friends.

Because that is how I drink. If I could have drank "normally" I would have been drinking normally all along. I didn't decide to drink with alcoholic fervour anymore than I could have made a choice to drink normally. I am not wired to drink normally.

Like I said, that was a few years before, yet another health crisis involving my liver, reared it's head, once again. By this time, my drinking had progressed to the very not fun stage. The stage where the euphoric buzz had changed to just a mushy, awful feeling in my entire being whenever I drank. Thank God, I was finally ready to believe that drinking never worked for me and it never will work for me.

Once I understood that fact, I was set free.

I am not sure if my rambly story will be of any use, but I do know the feeling of "if only's" and "why can't I".

Keep working on your sobriety, your recovery, your life. Someday, I hope, you will be like me now, where I look back on my sad laments and have nothing but gratitude that I see it completely differently now.

:grouphug:

I loved the way you put this... I always hear about people "playing the tape" but I definitely find myself hitting pause more often than I would like. It's important to play through the "favorite moments" to the not so favorite moments..

This really resonated with me. I can't control it, hence why I'm here. There's a problem and it needed fixing. Thank you for your post. It definitely sits well with me.

Sounds like you're doing great, Nikkabean. I look forward to reading your book someday!

As others have mentioned, the acceptance part is when the load got a little lighter in terms of fighting the urges. I fought it tooth and nail, but I finally succumbed and it made it easier. Like Carl said, when I reflect on my drinking, I did not drink normally, ever. I drank to get drunk, plain and simple. I think you are doing great. Its been a pleasure following your success.

Thank you for sharing this. Great responses, too.

Also, congratulations! It sounds like a lot of wonderful things are coming together for you.

It's smart, I think, to vigorously challenge those wistful thoughts about drinking and not take them at face value. It may be a "grieving" period, over losing that part of our lives, but, if you take it apart, it starts to seem like misplaced grieving.

I think of, say, when a little kid wants to run into traffic, or play with matches. Of course, you stop them, but they cry bitterly. It isn't fair! I want to! They feel denied, but obviously it is irrational. It is not good for them, it's dangerous, it's reckless. I know the analogy is harder to see -- when thinking about drinking -- because some people, including your boyfriend, can do it safely. Some always, some only at certain times in their lives, some never.

But the reality is, it isn't safe for you, if it ever was -- and if it ever was, it isn't now.

Congratulations on your 102 days.. and continued best! It sounds like you are doing really well. Hope to get to your point soon!

:c011:

:grouphug:

It's just your AV romanticizing what alcohol did for you (v. reality, which is obviously very different). It's complete nonsense. Don't give in to it.

That said, it does sound like your BF's attitude towards your sobriety could be problematic, out of all of the possible life activities to enjoy, he is mourning that he cannot go to a brewery with you? Perhaps he needs to realign his own priorities in life.

I hope your bf will realise that altho he's lost a drinking partner, he's gaining a whole lot more Nikka :)

Re-read your last few threads - you're building a wonderful new life...and all you had to do was give up drinking :)

D

D

I'm the same way about my wine glasses. I still drink out of them. I refuse to get rid of them. They are a fine Irish Crystal that my Aunt gave me. There is no reason I cannot drink my seltzer or juice out of them and I do. I think who was the fool that made the rule that we can only drink poison out of them. It was hard however for me to part ways with my Marilyn Monroe shot glasses. lol I like your post. Thank you.

Nikka, thank you for your post, I'm 91 days sober and the last week or so have been rough, missing my old drinking days. What you said helped a lot. Thanks

Rainman