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Wife made me quit

Old 08-02-2017, 10:09 PM
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Wife made me quit

So hey. I am, like, 2 days sober. I just don't get it, I don't like it, and it sucks. I drank to relax, everyday (3-7 beers, tall boys, more on weekends). It was just something I did. Like make stupid dad jokes. Cook great steaks. Fart at inopportune times. Pop my wife's toes (with her consent). Honestly most things are a joke for me. That is why it is so striking, this sobriety thing feels so ominously serious.

I don't want to quit. I didn't hurt anyone. I don't drink and drive. I don't become angry or mean when I drink. I just laugh at my own jokes a bit more, and sometimes fall asleep on the couch after my wife goes to bed. I know the amount I drank was unhealthy and excessive. My life insurance told me so when he justified my exhorbitant premium.

The problem is that my wife does not like me drinking. She becomes annoyed when I have 1. 2. 3. 4. Then she just gets mad if I have more. It pretty much just got laid out for me: stop drinking or I am eventually going to leave you. Given the choice of sobriety (sucks) and wife either (a) always mad at me for drinking or (b) splitting up our family, I chose to stop drinking. But that is not the same as WANTING to quit. I miss drinking the same way someone gets a cold and misses being able to breathe through their nose.

How do I get to a place where I WANT not to drink? How do I not resent her over time?

Last edited by Toebutt; 08-02-2017 at 10:24 PM. Reason: Updated beer amount
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:18 PM
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Well my friend, I am on day 2 also. I am not sure what to do when I get off work and pass the store where I pick up my nightly habit. Today I went so stir crazy I got in the car and drove. I have figured out quickly, I need to do something so I do not go back to drinking. Question is what?
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:20 PM
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Going to the store to get beer nightly is like getting up and going to work. Routine.
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Toebutt View Post
So hey. I am, like, 2 days sober. I just don't get it, I don't like it, and it sucks. I drank to relax, everyday (3-7 beers). It was just something I did. Like make stupid dad jokes. Cook great steaks. Fart at inopportune times. Pop my wife's toes (with her consent). Honestly most things are a joke for me. That is why it is so striking, this sobriety thing feels so ominously serious.

I don't want to quit. I didn't hurt anyone. I don't drink and drive. I don't become angry or mean when I drink. I just laugh at my own jokes a bit more, and sometimes fall asleep on the couch after my wife goes to bed. I know the amount I drank was unhealthy and excessive. My life insurance told me so when he justified my exhorbitant premium.

The problem is that my wife does not like me drinking. She becomes annoyed when I have 1. 2. 3. 4. Then she just gets mad if I have more. It pretty much just got laid out for me: stop drinking or I am eventually going to leave you. Given the choice of sobriety (sucks) and wife either (a) always mad at me for drinking or (b) splitting up our family, I chose to stop drinking. But that is not the same as WANTING to quit. I miss drinking the same way someone gets a cold and misses being able to breathe through their nose.

How do I get to a place where I WANT not to drink? How do I not resent her over time?
Hi there, well done on 2 days sober. Ok so you say you havent hurt anyone..... really?! Your drinking is clearly having an impact on your wife that she has given you an ultimation, so I guess you could say it is hurting her.

Heres the thing, you have got to want to quit, unfortunately for some people it does take the wife leaving and a broken home and a whole lot more to be at that stage whereby they know they cant continue, You have been given a chance here, your drinking IS causing problems and will continue to do so unless you totally surrender to this fact.

Are there any AA meetings nearby? Maybe worth getting along to a couple x
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:23 PM
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Originally Posted by leeza66 View Post
Well my friend, I am on day 2 also. I am not sure what to do when I get off work and pass the store where I pick up my nightly habit. Today I went so stir crazy I got in the car and drove. I have figured out quickly, I need to do something so I do not go back to drinking. Question is what?
AA meetings can help you find what you need x
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:28 PM
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Originally Posted by leeza66 View Post
Well my friend, I am on day 2 also. I am not sure what to do when I get off work and pass the store where I pick up my nightly habit. Today I went so stir crazy I got in the car and drove. I have figured out quickly, I need to do something so I do not go back to drinking. Question is what?
I am figuring that out too. Today the lawn got thoroughly mowed.
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:34 PM
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Originally Posted by leeza66 View Post
Well my friend, I am on day 2 also. I am not sure what to do when I get off work and pass the store where I pick up my nightly habit. Today I went so stir crazy I got in the car and drove. I have figured out quickly, I need to do something so I do not go back to drinking. Question is what?
Take up a new hobby, ANY hobby. I found myself trying all sorts of new things...anything to keep my mind off of alcohol. I tried taking back up a musical instrument, starting meditation, signing up at a gym...and now, posting here. So far, the combination of these activities have strongly reduced my desire to drink.
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:44 PM
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Sad story, last year this time I moved out of my BF's house. I told everyone it was his drinking whisky, when in reality it was that and my drinking beer, which only increased since I could drink all I wanted since I was on my own. We remained friends until 2 weeks ago when we were both drunk and he ended up throwing some remaining stuff of mine outside and busted them up. 2 drunks don't work. I since then thought about that situation and all the bad that I have went through and bestowed on others because of drinking. That was why I came here. Your wife has her reasons. You may not see it. Obviously something bothers her about you drinking. Does she tell you why it bothers her?
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Old 08-02-2017, 10:46 PM
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I am going to utilize my gym membership. Maybe take up adult coloring, embroidry and drink a lot of water!!!
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Old 08-02-2017, 11:07 PM
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I really enjoyed drinking also and I didn't want to quit at first. I hated it, unfortunately I drank myself to the start of liver disease and the choice became continue along the same path and die or stop drinking. I don't know when it will get easy if it ever will. I do know that I've come to mind that it's better to not be controlled by compulsion to consume alcohol. Being completely out of control of myself suckes. I'm nearing the 6 month mark and it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
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Old 08-02-2017, 11:28 PM
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hi and welcome. The only thing that comes to my mind here, as I know of 2 couples, and their husband drinks very heavy claims its to relax, and 'it wasn't hurting anyone'. Well their wives and children say very different, I'm no angel, I am here because of my harmful drinking. But they were wrong to think they didn't change personality, and it wasn't noticed.

My observation as I remember being pregnant and not drinking, and from being out last week and being the non drinker. You don't realise alcohol does change you quite quickly, after an hour or two with someone drinking, as sober person, you just aren't on their wavelength anymore. When I was pregnant I refused to go to a pub on a weekend with my partner, because I didn't want to sit and listen to people talk nonsense and be annoying after a couple of hours. Your wife may feel this way every single day. My husband certainly did, he would tell me I was incredibly annoying to sit with in an evening if I had been drinking. He said to me 'if I was to come home from work and he was sat there stoned every night, would I find that acceptable behaviour? Would I want a marriage where I sat feeling lonely all night because the other person is mentally in another place?' The straight answer was no. So I had to look at myself and what was more important in my life, and let go of the booze.

Perhaps just take a step back, commit to being sober for a period of time, because if you arent an addict, that's easy right? Youre just taking a break. See if your thinking changes surrounding this. Abstaining from alcohol and will really highlight if there is any type of physical or mental dependance. Because for us addicts, it requires hard hard recovery work everyday to not drink at first. A lot of people with alcohol problems tell themselves all sorts of lies to justify what they are doing, its the nature of the beast. A step back, being sober when others are drinking may open your eyes to what your wife is saying and experiencing. If drinking really wasn't causing an issue, she wouldn't be wanting to leave. Give it some sober time, and good luck
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Old 08-03-2017, 12:08 AM
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I didn't see my drinking as an issue. Married with 2 kids and I got to drinking every night. My wife left as she couldn't deal with it, but she didn't want to be in the marriage really (that was obvious) and we had other major problems. I felt she used it as an easy get out...though I knew it hadn't helped. Fast forward and I met an amazing girl. Loving, kind, easy going. To start she didn't mind I drank. Wahoo...here, this is better I thought. Her last hubby was a rotter and hurt her physically and mentally. I looked after her, in all ways. Helped care for her dad who had dementia, helped financially, we were so close and both had hurt from childhood. I cared for her, she accepted me getting mashed but merry. That's how it seemed. I was wrong! Big time. She was lonely. The man she loved wasn't there. She asked please don't drink til later so i get some time with 'you', before you pass out. I still turned up battered. We split. I begged fir a 2nd chance but knew i wasn't able at the time to keep that promise to stop. Miss counselling appointments. Drank aroubd her. She knew. In the end I lost something and someone amazing. We might think we're ok to be with, but we're not in the room....we're drunk. Reading the posts from sober other halves crying out for help on here as to what to do, how to deal with alcholic other halves helped me see whilst not harmful or violent like others, was still damaging emotionally for my girlfriend. I lost her and she won't risk taking me back. I'm nearly 3 weeks in and i don't blame her now...i did 3 weeks ago. Read the posts on here. Be honest with yourself if something twinges a nerve. You've got alot to lose, and more to gain. I can't go back. Only forward. Can i be in a relationship and drink. Only with a drinker and who wants that? I don't. I might have taught me a lesson had i been though.

I understand the resentment angle. I stopped for a year after my wife left. It made no difference to her....but wow. It did to my life. But even then I wasn't clear....i thought it was her problem. It was mine.

No one can make you want to. But maybe the lessons others have learned can help. Good luck!
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Old 08-03-2017, 12:39 AM
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Hi & welcome TB

I have to be honest - if you really don't want to quit, you're only doing it for your wife and you tend to not take things seriously, you've got a really hard road ahead of you.

I'd think a little more on your wifes request - people don't usually ask others to change their behaviour or lay down ultimatums, even vague ones, for no good reason.

You may not think your drinking is affecting anyone else, but could it be?
Might you be wrong or in denial?

Rhetorical questions. I don't need an answer - but I'd mull it over myself a little.

D
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Old 08-03-2017, 02:06 AM
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My honest feeling is that you have to commit to last, but I reckon you could try and commit to two weeks or a month without drink and see how you feel at the end.
By that I mean really sit down and assess how you feel and talk to your wife about any differences she's noticed.
The fact is if you find it really hard to stay two weeks without alcohol, you might have more of a problem than you're willing to admit.
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Old 08-03-2017, 02:27 AM
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Toe,

Imo....it is addiction. Physical and mental. If you don't want to quit, you won't. It is too hard.

Given you drink at least 40 units a week, the physical detox will hurt for about 10 days. The mental addiction is forever.

Our brain gets basted in alcohol when we drink. It adapts. When we stop using, our brains circuitry begins to hyper conduct. We start to act and feel weird.

This weirdness lasts a long long long time. It is tied to our emotions. Happy, sad, angry, lonely, bored, Friday, holiday, nascar, football etc etc....the desire to drink calls to us.

It takes months to stabilize. The brain has stopped producing normal dopemine amounts. Exercise, projects, helping folks, working etc help to pass the time to normalize and develop a sober routine,

The drinking is progressive. Moderation is self medication w a slip looming always.

Our bodies are not designed to drink a highly addictive neuro toxin. It is a learned behavior, it can be unlearned.

Look in the mirror and see an addict. That might help to keep the ball rolling.

Hope this helps.

Thanks.
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Old 08-03-2017, 02:45 AM
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To add my bit here.

For years people were banging on to me about my drinking and I thought they were all crazy. Telling me I was goona die and it's hurting the family etc I ignored them and continued my drinking in pure ignorant bliss, THEN it really DID start to destroy me ( in my mind, anxiety etc) and I ended up in a place inside my mind that I can only describe as pure torture!


You may not see yourself spiraling out of control in to deep water but your wife can! TRUST HER , trust the fact that she can see something that you can't and get out of this trap before it totally RUINS your life!

I wish you well , stick around with us and do it day by day and get professional help if needed.
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Old 08-03-2017, 03:14 AM
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Well done 2 days, but to be honest unless you quit for yourself it wont work, I tried in the past but it was for other people, so I had an underlying resentment and started again
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Old 08-03-2017, 03:32 AM
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Morning- glad you posted. Good start....if you want it to be.

DITTO DITTO DITTO Blueberry and, as usual, Dee. Great posts.

MY add'l two cents to the posts above.....
We see things much more clearly as we get completely sober. That first means simply the alcohol getting out of our bodies, literally, which is pretty fast. That more importantly means getting it out of our "operating system" - how we see things and people is a BIG part of this process of change. With clarity often comes....a different perspective on pretty much everything, IME.

Also....I'd venture to say that the word "yet" belongs at the end of most of your justifications/reasoning/etc as to what you have or haven't done, lost or injured....yet. Most of us who have finally gotten sober (and, boy, did I loathe when people began to tell me I had a problem, til they were blue in the face) find that it took us losing the things, people, jobs, positions, a lot of things, that we hadn't lost YET when someone or something first called our attention to whether our drinking was a problem.

Lastly - you do have to quit for YOU. This concept was verbalized well in an AA meeting I was in the other day - "originally, I quit for me and then took into account all the additional reasons to be sober."
For me, this meant that I had to quit to save MY life. Now, 17+ mo later, as my life has completely changed and the promises of AA have come true in my life so far (can't imagine what else is to come in this REAL life I have now, and know I can deal with the good and the bad WITHOUT drinking) and my precious fiance and new family with two step-children, my health, my friendships, everything I would lose if I started drinking again- those are just incredible additional reasons to stay sober.

Take care- hope to see you around here.
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Old 08-03-2017, 05:16 AM
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First the bad news, if you don't want to quit, its likely you won't. You may stop temporarily but you'll scratch that itch eventually. And yes, you might end up hating your wife because of her ultimatum, especially if you genuinely feel you don't have a problem. Sobriety for many of us is "ominously serious" because it is. Ask me what I lost to booze. Everything but my wife and my life. You're not there.....yet. But you could be in 10 years. Don't know the answer for ya bud, but wish you the best.
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Old 08-03-2017, 05:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Toebutt View Post
How do I get to a place where I WANT not to drink? How do I not resent her over time?
Pop over to the friends and family of alcoholics thread and read what it's like for the "other side" to deal with our drinking:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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