herculana

Tonight I was telling my boyfriend that its as if I have a brain injury, and I have to relearn things I once could do fairly easily (before I began drinking to do those things).


Its a massive bummer, but it gave some much needed perspective, and those thoughts alone, and that conversation, helped me to not pick up a bottle of wine tonight....

The bottle of wine I STILL feel so deeply tempted to buy, and drink, to get me through housecleaning.

It sounds stupid, doesnt it?

A woman who has created such a mental monster out of the chore of housecleaning that she MUST GET DRUNK TO DO IT, or else it doesnt get done?

But its the truth.


I AGONIZE over this all day. Cleaning the house. Doing it SOBER feels absolutely IMPOSSIBLE.


Its crazy. Its a really simple thing to do. Yet... I cant make myself DO IT... unless I am drunk.

It feels as though house cleaning is a death sentence or something.

I believe I have even created psychosomatic illnesses's (that feel and ARE absolutely REAL in how I feel when its happening) to avoid the feeling of rage and stress I feel about this issue.


Its wonderful to have a partner who was in therapy with me years ago. We can both give one another a lot of understanding and room to get through strange emotional and mental things... and we are a support through it with one another... Which is nothing short of a revelation after all the other men Ive been with.

So... Tonight I have dishes soaking and all I want to do is either run out and get wine, drink it, blast music, and PLOW THROUGH THIS MESS ... drunk.

Or... Not think about it and retreat into netflix.

I am not going to get drunk tonight. i wont be buying wine. I wont be drinking.

I know where it will put me tomorrow, and even TONIGHT ... it wouldnt even feel good, but it would erase or make me not feel my confusion, disorganized thinking, anger, and fatigue.

But I know i wont drink tonight.

Just sharing.

Thanks.

Dee74

Change is a process I think - but every little step forward is a step away from where we used to be, Herculana

D

herculana

Thanks Dee.


I did half, plus all the itty bitty pieces of silverware. I changed out the duvet and sheets. it was actually a lot more than it sounds. The floors are not swept, the clothes are not put away, the overall disorganization thats been really getting on my nerves wasnt even ATTEMPTED, lol.

But... I did something, and I will try again tomorrow.

incognition

It will get easier, I promise. I remember that I used to get absolutely no pleasure out of any activity, be it watching TV, playing video games, running errands, unless I was drunk. Doing practically anything sober was boring, and doing chores in particular was like pulling teeth. The more you learn to do these things sober, the more it becomes the new normal....it just takes time, is all.

blueberry2015

Doesnt sound stupid to me, Ive been there. It does get easier though, all you have got to do is not drink, one day at a time. Have you got a recovery plan?

dreamsneverend

Sounds really familiar: I think alcohol for a lot of us became a go-to not just when we in crisis, but even for routine chores that aren't 'scary' at all. If cleaning's something last on the list for you (snap!), breaking it up into small bits at first makes it seem less of a bugbear.

Erratic

im with you also about this, i find i dont have motivation unless i have a drink to do it. Good going on not buying that drink and as dee said it is little steps for us to rebuild even the small things. x

tekink

Perhaps with the $$ you save not buying wine you could get a housekeeper to come by every other week?