Michelle009

I had to lay it down with my mom yesterday, even though I really did not want to. My mom is probably an alcoholic, but at the very least, she is a daily beer drinker and she can put back a fair amount of them.

Yesterday I went to my mom's to hang out with her after work. Normally, this would be a situation where we are both drinking. I had a seltzer water. At one point she asked me to go in the house (we were sitting on the deck) and get her a beer. I was irritated, but I did it. After I bring it out she asks me to open it for her because she had something in her hands. At that point I got p*ssed. I semi-yelled, "I stopped drinking for a reason and I don't want to be getting you beers or opening them for you so stop asking me to! I didn't stop drinking to lose weight or whatever you think, I stopped drinking because I'm an alcoholic." My mother does NOT get it. She replies smugly, "Well, if you're an alcoholic then you should go to AA." I said, "I have been." That shut her up.

My not drinking is a threat to her drinking. She doesn't want to believe that I have a drinking problem even though 1.) My father was an alcoholic who died of cirrhosis and 2.) She has commented before on how much I drank.

I really just was not ready to get into with her why I stopped drinking this early in the game because although I know she loves me dearly, she just does not want to believe that I am an alcoholic.

I'm not mad at her, but I've decided it's best not to spend any time with her for a while. I know she'll make stupid comments and I am not interested in hearing them.

Mummyto2

I had a friend yrs ago that I used to drink with, she is also an alcoholic but wont accept it, when I gave up for 6 months ages ago, she didn't want to see me hardly ever because I couldn't be her fall guy, if she was drinking and I wasn't she had no one to blame her drinking on, before she told her husband well she drinks etc etc I parted company shortly after as I saw two sides to her, amazing what you see when sober, good luck and stick with it

Bird615

That sounds like a good idea for now.

There will be people in our lives who won't or can't get it, either because they really can't relate or because it can be a mirror for their own drinking ,which they might prefer not to look at.

ReadyAtLast

it is a good idea to avoid her. normal people don't get it. People with their own drinking issues don't want to get it or don't like the fact it highlights their own issues. Their reactions and problems with it really aren't our concern though.

We have no control over how others react to us so I try not to waste my time energy worrying about their reactions and just concentrate on mine and staying calm.

BlownOne

If I may ask, I'm not quite understanding why you were irritated that she asked you to get her a beer and then open it for her? Is it a trigger for you? It doesn't bother me all if I'm getting my mom or someone else a beer or glass of wine or whatever. I'm just curious.

Michelle009

BlownOne - I'm not sure that I would call it a "trigger" exactly, but I'm only 23 days sober. I don't need a can of beer in my hand.

PhoenixJ

Good one

Anna

My mother was the same and I realized how toxic she was in my life. She had zero respect for anything I said or did. So, I distanced myself from her at the beginning of my recovery and maintained that distance. It was necessary for me.

Mummyto2

I wouldn't get a beer or open one, its a very slippery slope for me

tealily

Blown,

For me it's just better to not have those physical reminders of the old routine of handling bottles and smelling alcohol. I will not pour wine for anyone right now. I won't buy alcohol for my husband. Holding the shape and feel of a wine bottle in my hand is too close for comfort right now, after the hundreds of bottles I handled. I don't even like putting away or cleaning the used glasses.

Maybe after some time has passed, it won't be as much of an issue, but right now it's too much of a sensory reminder.

By the way, I also hate it when adults ask kids to get them a beer or glass of wine. I feel it's inappropriate. It's like training them to drink.

BlownOne

I suppose it's different depending upon where one is in recovery. Once my obsession was lifted, nothing to do with alcohol ever bothered me again. Total indifference. I'm very thankful for that.

Mummyto2

Blown how long have you been sober if you dont mind me asking

BlownOne

Blown how long have you been sober if you dont mind me asking
31 months.

Mummyto2

Right so quite along time, I am only 13 days in, well done by the way that's fab going

BlownOne

You'll get there. It's one day at a time for me just like everyone else. =)

ardy

have you seen the TV show called MOM... sorry but can see you and your Mom in this... do it and watch the show..oh heck... hope this works..

https://youtu.be/Rxy_F635Y-M

Michelle009

Thank you! It's too visceral and too close for comfort to be handling a can of beer, particularly when it was my drink of choice.

For the record, I'm 36 so there's nothing implicitly wrong with her asking me to grab her one, it's just outside of my current comfort zone.

tealily

Ah I get it. I wasn't clear! I was thinking of when, say, my husband asks our underage kids to get him a beer. It's always bugged me. It just doesn't seem right. In a way it's just as bad to ask a non drinker like you, no matter how old. It's the same impropriety. Or inconsideration at least!

thomas11

Hi Michelle, you sound frustrated with your mother and I can understand that. I can only add this: my parents are alcoholics, have commented on my drinking but see now issue with themselves. It got to the point that I went minimal contact with them (July 2015). I did not like doing it, and on occasion I miss them, but I had to do it. Just something to consider.

nez

How important to your recovery is it that Mom gets it?

How important to your recovery is that you get to decide how big an issue it is that Mom doesn't get it?