I'm drinking again :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 30
I'm drinking again :(
I am sorry this is long.
After all of the amazing support I received here recently, I am ashamed to say that I am drinking again. I started again today. Today would have been 30 days sober.
I'm partly writing this for myself. To reflect on what has happened over these last 30 days. I intend to get sober again asap. I just wasn't expecting and was completely unprepared for the emotional consequences of sobriety.
I expected each day of sobriety to get easier. It didn't, it got harder. I now believe that I spent years masking a (painful) mental illness with alcohol. I had emotional/mental health problems for many years....before I became an alcoholic. Over the last few years I fully believed that my mental health issue had almost completely resolved (apart from a bit of depression)...I thought I was better!! Now I know, I was never better, I've just suppressed my symptoms. I'm in so much emotional pain now.
What happened?.....This is what happened...
Each day that I was sober became more difficult. Initially I felt happy and pleased that being sober really wasn't as difficult as I expected. Then I started having problems with a work colleague. The 'problems' were partly due to a miscommunication between me and the colleague. Yes, she had done something insensitive to me...but in my head I blew it out of all proportion.
I developed a level of paranoia that she was out to get me and bring me down. I started feeling constantly angry. My anxiety levels sky rocketed with imaginary fears of what danger I might be in. I believed I was being victimized...but no-one would believe me. They thought I was paranoid, I didn't think I was. I started feeling very stressed, frustrated and helpless.
After 3 weeks of me panicking, a manager stepped in and the fall out was resolved as quickly as it arose. And all is fine there now.
Even though it's all sorted I have been experiencing intense feelings of anxiety and emotional pain. Overwhelming...Grief like pain in my heart and chest.
In the last week, both my CBT counsellor and the occupational health doctor have suggested I have difficulty regulating my emotions and I have borderline personality disorder. I do seem to fit the bill.....intense emotions, paranoia, anger, frequent suicide attempts, unstable relationships, alcohol abuse etc etc...
I first read about this disorder 15 years ago when I was a student. At the time I was experiencing intense, constant, severe, emotional pain. It was like living every day in a state of acute grief - for no reason. When I read about it, I was like "Oh My God, This is me!, This is what is wrong with me!!". Then I became an alcoholic, numbed everything, and convinced myself I was recovered.
Well, 30 days sober and suddenly the intensely painful uncontrollably bad feelings returned. And I couldn't cope anymore. So I drank. I'm going to go sober again - but at least next time I will know what to expect and will plan to cope with these incredibly bad feelings.
Thanks for listening. And sorry it was long.
After all of the amazing support I received here recently, I am ashamed to say that I am drinking again. I started again today. Today would have been 30 days sober.
I'm partly writing this for myself. To reflect on what has happened over these last 30 days. I intend to get sober again asap. I just wasn't expecting and was completely unprepared for the emotional consequences of sobriety.
I expected each day of sobriety to get easier. It didn't, it got harder. I now believe that I spent years masking a (painful) mental illness with alcohol. I had emotional/mental health problems for many years....before I became an alcoholic. Over the last few years I fully believed that my mental health issue had almost completely resolved (apart from a bit of depression)...I thought I was better!! Now I know, I was never better, I've just suppressed my symptoms. I'm in so much emotional pain now.
What happened?.....This is what happened...
Each day that I was sober became more difficult. Initially I felt happy and pleased that being sober really wasn't as difficult as I expected. Then I started having problems with a work colleague. The 'problems' were partly due to a miscommunication between me and the colleague. Yes, she had done something insensitive to me...but in my head I blew it out of all proportion.
I developed a level of paranoia that she was out to get me and bring me down. I started feeling constantly angry. My anxiety levels sky rocketed with imaginary fears of what danger I might be in. I believed I was being victimized...but no-one would believe me. They thought I was paranoid, I didn't think I was. I started feeling very stressed, frustrated and helpless.
After 3 weeks of me panicking, a manager stepped in and the fall out was resolved as quickly as it arose. And all is fine there now.
Even though it's all sorted I have been experiencing intense feelings of anxiety and emotional pain. Overwhelming...Grief like pain in my heart and chest.
In the last week, both my CBT counsellor and the occupational health doctor have suggested I have difficulty regulating my emotions and I have borderline personality disorder. I do seem to fit the bill.....intense emotions, paranoia, anger, frequent suicide attempts, unstable relationships, alcohol abuse etc etc...
I first read about this disorder 15 years ago when I was a student. At the time I was experiencing intense, constant, severe, emotional pain. It was like living every day in a state of acute grief - for no reason. When I read about it, I was like "Oh My God, This is me!, This is what is wrong with me!!". Then I became an alcoholic, numbed everything, and convinced myself I was recovered.
Well, 30 days sober and suddenly the intensely painful uncontrollably bad feelings returned. And I couldn't cope anymore. So I drank. I'm going to go sober again - but at least next time I will know what to expect and will plan to cope with these incredibly bad feelings.
Thanks for listening. And sorry it was long.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
I'm sorry you're drinking again, but you can turn this around and move on. I also self-medicated depression/anxiety with alcohol. And, as you found, stopping drinking is only the beginning. I had to deal with the underlying issues in my life. It's a very good idea you have to be prepared to cope with the feelings that will pop up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Mummyto2 
Hey dont beat yourself up, we all screw up, we are only human, get back on the sober wagon asap, we are all here for you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
no one is all better in 30 days. i know it feels like those days were so painful, so uncomfortable, but many have lived thru the same feelings, thoughts, times of unrest, and upset. there are no quick fixes. not drinking is just the start of the road to recovery. we have to re-learn how to live life on life's terms.........for many, it is the FIRST time.
when we have developed a habit of running from every emotion, it is hard to stay put and allow ourselves to feel what we feel. but they are all just feelings. they will come........and go. we are a complex organism. a feeling is just one aspect of our human condition.
in recovery we learn to just sit with what we feel. not fight it. not react. just allow it to be. it will pass. nothing lasts forever. feelings are not our problem....what we do with them can be.
when we have developed a habit of running from every emotion, it is hard to stay put and allow ourselves to feel what we feel. but they are all just feelings. they will come........and go. we are a complex organism. a feeling is just one aspect of our human condition.
in recovery we learn to just sit with what we feel. not fight it. not react. just allow it to be. it will pass. nothing lasts forever. feelings are not our problem....what we do with them can be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Anna
I'm sorry you're drinking again, but you can turn this around and move on. I also self-medicated depression/anxiety with alcohol. And, as you found, stopping drinking is only the beginning. I had to deal with the underlying issues in my life. It's a very good idea you have to be prepared to cope with the feelings that will pop up.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I had some stretches of sobriety but I could never make the change permanent until I committed to taking drinking off the table as a viable option...
which was difficult as a lot of my drinking was self-medicating chronic health (pain) issues..
it took me a while but I found other solutions to my problems, working closely with my doctor.
I also found that although the first 30 days were hard it got a lot easier after that - so don't lose heart
D
which was difficult as a lot of my drinking was self-medicating chronic health (pain) issues..
it took me a while but I found other solutions to my problems, working closely with my doctor.
I also found that although the first 30 days were hard it got a lot easier after that - so don't lose heart
D
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Pepp,
I relate. Since I quit drinking all my mental demons began to manifest in my short circuited brain.
The mixture of meds and booze is a whole other level of mental hell, so I hear.
For me, booze quelled my mind and kept me busy living in my rock star fantasy world. I quit because physically and mentally, I was falling apart.
It was a living hell, off and on, for well into a year. I had moments of peace, but I also had times where I was freaking out and nobody knew. I nearly collapsed about 10 to 15 times in the last 10 years. Those were my freak outs. Several happened while driving.
I took no meds. I am sure they would not have hurt me, but likely would have drug out the healing process. That is how i thought about it.
Folks that have to turn to meds embark on a mental path I am not familiar with.
If I was ever diagnosed as an alky by a doc, I would have lost my job. Some jobs require strict adherence to living free of anti depressants etc.
So today I am mostly good. I would say about 95% normal. I still have moments where I feel reminded of my hellish anxiety and paranoia, but it is more like PTSD.
Hope this helps somehow.
Thanks.
I relate. Since I quit drinking all my mental demons began to manifest in my short circuited brain.
The mixture of meds and booze is a whole other level of mental hell, so I hear.
For me, booze quelled my mind and kept me busy living in my rock star fantasy world. I quit because physically and mentally, I was falling apart.
It was a living hell, off and on, for well into a year. I had moments of peace, but I also had times where I was freaking out and nobody knew. I nearly collapsed about 10 to 15 times in the last 10 years. Those were my freak outs. Several happened while driving.
I took no meds. I am sure they would not have hurt me, but likely would have drug out the healing process. That is how i thought about it.
Folks that have to turn to meds embark on a mental path I am not familiar with.
If I was ever diagnosed as an alky by a doc, I would have lost my job. Some jobs require strict adherence to living free of anti depressants etc.
So today I am mostly good. I would say about 95% normal. I still have moments where I feel reminded of my hellish anxiety and paranoia, but it is more like PTSD.
Hope this helps somehow.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
no one is all better in 30 days. i know it feels like those days were so painful, so uncomfortable, but many have lived thru the same feelings, thoughts, times of unrest, and upset. there are no quick fixes. not drinking is just the start of the road to recovery. we have to re-learn how to live life on life's terms.........for many, it is the FIRST time.
when we have developed a habit of running from every emotion, it is hard to stay put and allow ourselves to feel what we feel. but they are all just feelings. they will come........and go. we are a complex organism. a feeling is just one aspect of our human condition.
in recovery we learn to just sit with what we feel. not fight it. not react. just allow it to be. it will pass. nothing lasts forever. feelings are not our problem....what we do with them can be.
when we have developed a habit of running from every emotion, it is hard to stay put and allow ourselves to feel what we feel. but they are all just feelings. they will come........and go. we are a complex organism. a feeling is just one aspect of our human condition.
in recovery we learn to just sit with what we feel. not fight it. not react. just allow it to be. it will pass. nothing lasts forever. feelings are not our problem....what we do with them can be.
F*** Me, I'm in so much emotional pain. And for no reason. It just hurts. So much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 30
It's the utter shame of having a "personality disorder"
Really I am a nice person. I care about others. I work in a caring profession and my purpose in life is that when I leave this earth, my presence here will have had a positive impact on others. I admit I had an extremely traumatic childhood which has affected me. It's hurt me a million times more than I would ever hurt anyone else. Sorry I am distressed this evening.
I have 2 choices:
1) Continue drinking. Escape the pain. Remain in denial, but continue to exist in the misery of alcohol abuse. Convince myself and others that it is all good
2) Stop drinking. Accept my diagnosis. Get over the shame of being diagnosed as 'personality disorder' (I can't cope with the stigma). Experience the pain. Get the therapy I need to get better.
There is no easy option here. Number 2 is going to be hard. But it's the only way I will ever really experience real life. I need to be brave. I am scared. But it's what I have to do.
Really I am a nice person. I care about others. I work in a caring profession and my purpose in life is that when I leave this earth, my presence here will have had a positive impact on others. I admit I had an extremely traumatic childhood which has affected me. It's hurt me a million times more than I would ever hurt anyone else. Sorry I am distressed this evening.
I have 2 choices:
1) Continue drinking. Escape the pain. Remain in denial, but continue to exist in the misery of alcohol abuse. Convince myself and others that it is all good
2) Stop drinking. Accept my diagnosis. Get over the shame of being diagnosed as 'personality disorder' (I can't cope with the stigma). Experience the pain. Get the therapy I need to get better.
There is no easy option here. Number 2 is going to be hard. But it's the only way I will ever really experience real life. I need to be brave. I am scared. But it's what I have to do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
A continual reminder that I repeat to myself often is that absolutely every single thing that I have done and experienced in this life has been in preparation for this exact moment. What am I going to take with me from this moment going forward, and am I going to use it in a positive manner?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by nez
A continual reminder that I repeat to myself often is that absolutely every single thing that I have done and experienced in this life has been in preparation for this exact moment. What am I going to take with me from this moment going forward, and am I going to use it in a positive manner?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 30
I'm so regretful...
If I din't become an alcoholic, then 10 - 15 years ago I would have faced my pain and likely went through some tough times and recovered. And had a normal life....like found a partner, made lots of friends, bought a house, got married, had children etc.
Instead, I got drunk. Now im nearly 40. Because I chose drink instead I've written off my opportunities to have a normal life. Now I am ready to stop drinking and face my pain. But it's to late to get some things back.
I so totally wish that I had got help for my mental health in my 20's. Instead I drank, avoided the pain, and pretended I was okay. I have severe regrets. I will never get those years back. Certain opportunities no longer exsist.
I WISH I had accepted reality and got help when I was younger.
Let this thread be a lesson for people in their 20s. Don't block out problems with alcohol. The problems will still be there at 40.
I apologise this is a bit of a self pitying thread. I just need to express my thoughts and feelings while going sober. I know I have messed up today by drinking. But this is not the end for me. If you don't mind me writing my thoughts on here, it's going to help me to understand my thoughts, feelings and urges in relation to alcohol. Basically, I think this is helping me. I hope im not being selfish xx
If I din't become an alcoholic, then 10 - 15 years ago I would have faced my pain and likely went through some tough times and recovered. And had a normal life....like found a partner, made lots of friends, bought a house, got married, had children etc.
Instead, I got drunk. Now im nearly 40. Because I chose drink instead I've written off my opportunities to have a normal life. Now I am ready to stop drinking and face my pain. But it's to late to get some things back.
I so totally wish that I had got help for my mental health in my 20's. Instead I drank, avoided the pain, and pretended I was okay. I have severe regrets. I will never get those years back. Certain opportunities no longer exsist.
I WISH I had accepted reality and got help when I was younger.
Let this thread be a lesson for people in their 20s. Don't block out problems with alcohol. The problems will still be there at 40.
I apologise this is a bit of a self pitying thread. I just need to express my thoughts and feelings while going sober. I know I have messed up today by drinking. But this is not the end for me. If you don't mind me writing my thoughts on here, it's going to help me to understand my thoughts, feelings and urges in relation to alcohol. Basically, I think this is helping me. I hope im not being selfish xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I drank for 32 years and put myself through hell. I wouldn't recommend my 32 year path to anyone, however, if I hadn't become an alcoholic, I wouldn't have been forced into the self-realization journey of the last 14 years. I wouldn't be the person that I am today, and I am good with the person I am today.
In the past whenever I heard anyone say that they were a grateful alcoholic, I thought "oh gag me with a spoon". Today I am one of those, I am a grateful alcoholic.
In the past whenever I heard anyone say that they were a grateful alcoholic, I thought "oh gag me with a spoon". Today I am one of those, I am a grateful alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by nez
I drank for 32 years and put myself through hell. I wouldn't recommend my 32 year path to anyone, however, if I hadn't become an alcoholic, I wouldn't have been forced into the self-realization journey of the last 14 years. I wouldn't be the person that I am today, and I am good with the person I am today.
In the past whenever I heard anyone say that they were a grateful alcoholic, I thought "oh gag me with a spoon". Today I am one of those, I am a grateful alcoholic.
In the past whenever I heard anyone say that they were a grateful alcoholic, I thought "oh gag me with a spoon". Today I am one of those, I am a grateful alcoholic.
I like deep people. Maybe i should be grateful for the way my troubles have been delayed.
I just wanna get better now though......cant cope with the pain xx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
