Deeply hurt after finding out the true extent of my boyfriend's alcohol problem
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
Deeply hurt after finding out the true extent of my boyfriend's alcohol problem
Hello Everyone,
I come to this forum seeking help and answers because I am profoundly brokenhearted and confused. Two and a half weeks ago, I walked away from the man who I believed was the love of my life and was the man who I thought was "the one". We were together for exactly one year. We had what I believed to be the most beautiful love I had ever experienced. On the first day I met him, he brought me flowers. Our first date lasted 12 hours and we instantly connected. We lived three hours away from each other but we were committed to each other. We took turns visiting each other every other weekend and spent all holidays with each other. He made me a big part of his family right away and was so proud to be with me. He never missed a visit with me. We spent an hour talking on the phone just about everyday when we were not physically together. He was the type of man who sent me a text message first thing in the morning, opened doors for me, held my hand everywhere we went, showed me countless affection both at home and whenever we went out. We had a deep emotional connection and we had a strong physical connection as well. He was super handsome, brilliant, attentive, went to work everyday, financially stable, kept his home, car and yard in immaculate condition, had friends and family who loved him, remembered birthdays, etc. He gave me 7 beautiful cards as well as gifts all year professing his profound love for me, and there was not a day that went buy without him telling me that he loved me. We never had any nasty fights. He opened up to me and shared so much deep and intimate things with me in that one year we were together. By all accounts I thought I had met the perfect man and I was head over heals crazy in love with him as I felt he was with me.
In the year that I was with him, I noticed he drank quite a bit but he was always in control. I always thought.... WOW, he could drink! But I never saw it as an issue because he was always in control. Somewhere around the 6th month into our relationship, he got so drunk that he peed right outside of his vehicle in a public area where there were lots of people. I felt so embarrassed and upset that I had a serious talk with him the next day about how unacceptable this behavior was. He said he would not do something like that again. In the months after, we went on several trips and got into several arguments about him reaching his drinking limits and him wanting to stay out late, bar hop and get drunk. Our arguments about his drinking became more frequent because we did not see eye to eye regarding drinking limits and staying out and bar hopping.
I was on vacation this summer and decided to go and spend 6 weeks with him and he agreed. However, during this time I noticed that he had gotten very drunk at home 3 or 4 times, more drunk than I had ever seen him. Again, I let him know that that was not okay and that he was slowly killing himself and our relationship and he kept on saying he would work on it. In some instances he even got very defensive. The last straw for me was: he went out one night and had drank about 9 strong IPA beers in about 5 hours. He was already drunk and I asked him to go home. He did not want to so I went home. He stayed out drinking all night. I was so worried that I called his phone all night (something that I had never done before). To make matters worse, a drug addict eventually answered his phone. He still had not come home and I was worried that someone had killed him or beat him up badly and stole his wallet and phone. I was so scared that I called the police. To make a long story short, he came home at 7:00 in the morning and said he fell asleep on the streets! I was so shocked and hurt that a man of his caliber would do that. He was so angry at me for calling the police that he continued to drink all day the next day. He said he drank all night because I left him and should have stayed with him. I never thought the man I thought I knew, who I loved and who loved me was capable of such. I now believe that he hid the extend of his drinking from me because we were in a long distance relationship and I found out when I spent weeks on end with him. I asked him whether there was any way that that could never happen again and he told me that he couldn't promise me that he would never get this drunk again. I told him that I could no longer be with him if he would do something like that in the future. He said to me that he knew it was stupid to throw away love but he did not think his behavior would change so it would be best to break up. So, I packed my things and left hoping that he would ask me not to leave and hoping that he loved me enough to say that he would work on changing but he didn't. He just said to me that I was the most amazing woman who ever came into his life and that he opened up his heart to me more than he did to any other woman he has been with. Yet, he let me go? I am so hurt and so confused. I loved and still love this man so much. My world with him turned upside down in one weekend. He did not see anything wrong with sleeping on the streets and he threw away our love just like that. It has been almost three weeks since I've left and he has not called to talk about our relationship. I don't understand this at all. I gave him my heart and I felt like he stomped on it and crushed it. I am not sure how to move forward and I am truly struggling.
I come to this forum seeking help and answers because I am profoundly brokenhearted and confused. Two and a half weeks ago, I walked away from the man who I believed was the love of my life and was the man who I thought was "the one". We were together for exactly one year. We had what I believed to be the most beautiful love I had ever experienced. On the first day I met him, he brought me flowers. Our first date lasted 12 hours and we instantly connected. We lived three hours away from each other but we were committed to each other. We took turns visiting each other every other weekend and spent all holidays with each other. He made me a big part of his family right away and was so proud to be with me. He never missed a visit with me. We spent an hour talking on the phone just about everyday when we were not physically together. He was the type of man who sent me a text message first thing in the morning, opened doors for me, held my hand everywhere we went, showed me countless affection both at home and whenever we went out. We had a deep emotional connection and we had a strong physical connection as well. He was super handsome, brilliant, attentive, went to work everyday, financially stable, kept his home, car and yard in immaculate condition, had friends and family who loved him, remembered birthdays, etc. He gave me 7 beautiful cards as well as gifts all year professing his profound love for me, and there was not a day that went buy without him telling me that he loved me. We never had any nasty fights. He opened up to me and shared so much deep and intimate things with me in that one year we were together. By all accounts I thought I had met the perfect man and I was head over heals crazy in love with him as I felt he was with me.
In the year that I was with him, I noticed he drank quite a bit but he was always in control. I always thought.... WOW, he could drink! But I never saw it as an issue because he was always in control. Somewhere around the 6th month into our relationship, he got so drunk that he peed right outside of his vehicle in a public area where there were lots of people. I felt so embarrassed and upset that I had a serious talk with him the next day about how unacceptable this behavior was. He said he would not do something like that again. In the months after, we went on several trips and got into several arguments about him reaching his drinking limits and him wanting to stay out late, bar hop and get drunk. Our arguments about his drinking became more frequent because we did not see eye to eye regarding drinking limits and staying out and bar hopping.
I was on vacation this summer and decided to go and spend 6 weeks with him and he agreed. However, during this time I noticed that he had gotten very drunk at home 3 or 4 times, more drunk than I had ever seen him. Again, I let him know that that was not okay and that he was slowly killing himself and our relationship and he kept on saying he would work on it. In some instances he even got very defensive. The last straw for me was: he went out one night and had drank about 9 strong IPA beers in about 5 hours. He was already drunk and I asked him to go home. He did not want to so I went home. He stayed out drinking all night. I was so worried that I called his phone all night (something that I had never done before). To make matters worse, a drug addict eventually answered his phone. He still had not come home and I was worried that someone had killed him or beat him up badly and stole his wallet and phone. I was so scared that I called the police. To make a long story short, he came home at 7:00 in the morning and said he fell asleep on the streets! I was so shocked and hurt that a man of his caliber would do that. He was so angry at me for calling the police that he continued to drink all day the next day. He said he drank all night because I left him and should have stayed with him. I never thought the man I thought I knew, who I loved and who loved me was capable of such. I now believe that he hid the extend of his drinking from me because we were in a long distance relationship and I found out when I spent weeks on end with him. I asked him whether there was any way that that could never happen again and he told me that he couldn't promise me that he would never get this drunk again. I told him that I could no longer be with him if he would do something like that in the future. He said to me that he knew it was stupid to throw away love but he did not think his behavior would change so it would be best to break up. So, I packed my things and left hoping that he would ask me not to leave and hoping that he loved me enough to say that he would work on changing but he didn't. He just said to me that I was the most amazing woman who ever came into his life and that he opened up his heart to me more than he did to any other woman he has been with. Yet, he let me go? I am so hurt and so confused. I loved and still love this man so much. My world with him turned upside down in one weekend. He did not see anything wrong with sleeping on the streets and he threw away our love just like that. It has been almost three weeks since I've left and he has not called to talk about our relationship. I don't understand this at all. I gave him my heart and I felt like he stomped on it and crushed it. I am not sure how to move forward and I am truly struggling.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
Thank you so much cocokramer. Thank you so much for your kind words. I guess I thought that because he was so put together and in control, that he was not an alcoholic. I always thought he drank too much but I never saw that coming. I am not an addict and I have never had any experience with alcoholics. All I can say is he really had me fooled. I feel so betrayed. I would have never given him my heart if I had known that he was capable of taking his drinking that far. I'm just hoping to heal soon. Again, thank you so much for your support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by SoHurt2017 
Thank you so much cocokramer. Thank you so much for your kind words. I guess I thought that because he was so put together and in control, that he was not an alcoholic. I always thought he drank too much but I never saw that coming. I am not an addict and I have never had any experience with alcoholics. All I can say is he really had me fooled. I feel so betrayed. I would have never given him my heart if I had know that he was capable of taking his drinking that far. I'm just hoping to heal soon. Again, thank you so much for your support.
If I could heal all the pain that I caused my ex husband I would do it in a flat second. But I cant.
I lied. I betrayed. I made him feel like it was his fault and I let him watch me slowly try to kill myself for years.
I can only hope that his brief glimpse of love will help him on the path to healing.
Life with and as an alcoholic is sheer hell.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, SoHurt.
Welcome.
I think that alcohol dependent people are really good at keeping it together.
For a while.
Til they can't.
His overdrinking wasn't that evident when you were long distance, but became much clearer when you spent more time together.
He showed you who he is.
Though it doesn't seem so now, you have been given a great gift: life without an alcoholic in it.
I hope you feel better soon. Time heals.
Welcome.
I think that alcohol dependent people are really good at keeping it together.
For a while.
Til they can't.
His overdrinking wasn't that evident when you were long distance, but became much clearer when you spent more time together.
He showed you who he is.
Though it doesn't seem so now, you have been given a great gift: life without an alcoholic in it.
I hope you feel better soon. Time heals.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by cocokramer
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
If I could heal all the pain that I caused my ex husband I would do it in a flat second. But I cant.
I lied. I betrayed. I made him feel like it was his fault and I let him watch me slowly try to kill myself for years.
I can only hope that his brief glimpse of love will help him on the path to healing.
Life with and as an alcoholic is sheer hell.
If I could heal all the pain that I caused my ex husband I would do it in a flat second. But I cant.
I lied. I betrayed. I made him feel like it was his fault and I let him watch me slowly try to kill myself for years.
I can only hope that his brief glimpse of love will help him on the path to healing.
Life with and as an alcoholic is sheer hell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, SoHurt.
Welcome.
I think that alcohol dependent people are really good at keeping it together.
For a while.
Til they can't.
His overdrinking wasn't that evident when you were long distance, but became much clearer when you spent more time together.
He showed you who he is.
Though it doesn't seem so now, you have been given a great gift: life without an alcoholic in it.
I hope you feel better soon. Time heals.
Welcome.
I think that alcohol dependent people are really good at keeping it together.
For a while.
Til they can't.
His overdrinking wasn't that evident when you were long distance, but became much clearer when you spent more time together.
He showed you who he is.
Though it doesn't seem so now, you have been given a great gift: life without an alcoholic in it.
I hope you feel better soon. Time heals.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 75
I can quite honestly say that yes, I loved alcohol.more than I loved my husband. But that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.
Hang in there kid. Maude cat is right. You dodged a bullet.
Hang in there kid. Maude cat is right. You dodged a bullet.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
I really appreciate you both taking the time to encourage me. I guess I'm still in shock regarding how my relationship changed in such a split second. I think I'm struggling with my decision to leave him. On the one end I am thinking of what an amazing man he is and how amazing he was to me, and that maybe I should not have walked away so soon, however, on the other end I feel like I made the right decision because I needed him to know that I would not tolerate such risky and bad behavior. You both are so encouraging and I am trying to let go of any glimmer of hope that he will call and say he wants to take steps to change because he doesn't want to lose me. By the way, he did tell me that he didn't want to lose me right before I left, however, it seems as though he wanted to keep both me and alcohol and have a happy life. Thank you so much for allowing me to share my feelings here. It just hurts so very much right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,284
Everybody has faults. Nobody is perfect. Either commit to dealing with it with him or don't and move on.
You know there could be rehab for idealism, narcissism, perfectionism, and all kinds of other isms. The world isn't perfect, but ultimately we all can decide what we will and will not tolerate.
You know there could be rehab for idealism, narcissism, perfectionism, and all kinds of other isms. The world isn't perfect, but ultimately we all can decide what we will and will not tolerate.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I remember the feeling of not wanting to have someone have to put up with me, especially someone I cared about. This is why he immediately got the way you felt.............and agreed. Sounds as if he does not want to change at this time. I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by totfit
I remember the feeling of not wanting to have someone have to put up with me, especially someone I cared about. This is why he immediately got the way you felt.............and agreed. Sounds as if he does not want to change at this time. I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by SoHurt2017
I really appreciate you both taking the time to encourage me. I guess I'm still in shock regarding how my relationship changed in such a split second. .
In the year that I was with him, I noticed he drank quite a bit but he was always in control. I always thought.... WOW, he could drink! But I never saw it as an issue because he was always in control.
( precisely how do you define he was in control?_
Somewhere around the 6th month into our relationship, he got so drunk that he peed right outside of his vehicle in a public area where there were lots of people.
looks like there was a red flag at 6 months and that he showed he wasnt in as much control as you perceived?
"In the months after, we went on several trips and got into several arguments about him reaching his drinking limits and him wanting to stay out late, bar hop and get drunk. Our arguments about his drinking became more frequent..."
what im reading is there were a LOT of red flags for quite some time, but maybe you chose to deny them or not look at them?
"I loved and still love this man so much. "
how do you define love? WHAT do you love about this man?
its quite common for an alcoholic to put on an act at the beginning of a relationship. Lord knows i did that for EVERY relationship i was in.
and it doesnt take long for the mask to come off, and from the way i read your experience, it wasnt the year you seem to perceive- it was within 6 months if not sooner.
its quite common for people in your shoes( and believe it or not, i was in them at one time- AFTER i got sober. i learned a whole LOt of what i put women i was in a relationship through)
to not see the truth right after a breakup. it took me a few months before i saw the red flags were flying from the get go.
anyways, onto solutions. you have come to a GREAT forum with a lot of AWESOME people who have been in your shoes and found solutions FOR THEMSELVES.
i highly suggest visiting the frineds and family of alcoholics forum here. it would be wise to start a thread there as quite a few members that visit that forum and offewr support and adives dont see these threads without them being in the f&f forum.
its gonna hurt, but that man did you a huge favor- he saved you from what could be years and years of you losing yourself even more.
you dont deserve that.
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.
one more lil thing on this:
"So, I packed my things and left hoping that he would ask me not to leave and hoping that he loved me enough to say that he would work on changing but he didn't."
he loved you enough to end the relationship. there was more than one time i ended a relationship like that. there was more than one time i purposefully was a cold hearted SOB. the reason was because i KNEW i wasnt going to change and only drag them down with me.
i didnt realize that until after i got sober, but that was one of the ways i was extremely screwed up.
and he aint gonna get help or change unless he wants to.
no matter how much you want him to or how much you do.
PLEASE visit the F&F forum!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
Posts: 16,901
Hi SoHurt ~
Thank you for sharing....I can see so many similarities with your story and both of my exes. I've been away from them for quite some time now ~ (thank goodness!) I don't want to discourage you but it sounds like you're much better off without him. Guys know exactly how to reel us in, then their true selves start to slither through once they know they've got us hooked. What do I know, though....everyone is different . I just hope you don't have to go through the same hell I did having to get over those idiots. It wasted a crapload of my time and it sucked the life out of me! Try to focus on YOU.....I know, easier said than done. Sending lots of hugs
Thank you for sharing....I can see so many similarities with your story and both of my exes. I've been away from them for quite some time now ~ (thank goodness!) I don't want to discourage you but it sounds like you're much better off without him. Guys know exactly how to reel us in, then their true selves start to slither through once they know they've got us hooked. What do I know, though....everyone is different . I just hope you don't have to go through the same hell I did having to get over those idiots. It wasted a crapload of my time and it sucked the life out of me! Try to focus on YOU.....I know, easier said than done. Sending lots of hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by tomsteve
SoHurt, if you look at just what you typed- it wasnt a split second:
In the year that I was with him, I noticed he drank quite a bit but he was always in control. I always thought.... WOW, he could drink! But I never saw it as an issue because he was always in control.
( precisely how do you define he was in control?_
Somewhere around the 6th month into our relationship, he got so drunk that he peed right outside of his vehicle in a public area where there were lots of people.
looks like there was a red flag at 6 months and that he showed he wasnt in as much control as you perceived?
"In the months after, we went on several trips and got into several arguments about him reaching his drinking limits and him wanting to stay out late, bar hop and get drunk. Our arguments about his drinking became more frequent..."
what im reading is there were a LOT of red flags for quite some time, but maybe you chose to deny them or not look at them?
"I loved and still love this man so much. "
how do you define love? WHAT do you love about this man?
its quite common for an alcoholic to put on an act at the beginning of a relationship. Lord knows i did that for EVERY relationship i was in.
and it doesnt take long for the mask to come off, and from the way i read your experience, it wasnt the year you seem to perceive- it was within 6 months if not sooner.
its quite common for people in your shoes( and believe it or not, i was in them at one time- AFTER i got sober. i learned a whole LOt of what i put women i was in a relationship through)
to not see the truth right after a breakup. it took me a few months before i saw the red flags were flying from the get go.
anyways, onto solutions. you have come to a GREAT forum with a lot of AWESOME people who have been in your shoes and found solutions FOR THEMSELVES.
i highly suggest visiting the frineds and family of alcoholics forum here. it would be wise to start a thread there as quite a few members that visit that forum and offewr support and adives dont see these threads without them being in the f&f forum.
its gonna hurt, but that man did you a huge favor- he saved you from what could be years and years of you losing yourself even more.
you dont deserve that.
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.
one more lil thing on this:
"So, I packed my things and left hoping that he would ask me not to leave and hoping that he loved me enough to say that he would work on changing but he didn't."
he loved you enough to end the relationship. there was more than one time i ended a relationship like that. there was more than one time i purposefully was a cold hearted SOB. the reason was because i KNEW i wasnt going to change and only drag them down with me.
i didnt realize that until after i got sober, but that was one of the ways i was extremely screwed up.
and he aint gonna get help or change unless he wants to.
no matter how much you want him to or how much you do.
PLEASE visit the F&F forum!
In the year that I was with him, I noticed he drank quite a bit but he was always in control. I always thought.... WOW, he could drink! But I never saw it as an issue because he was always in control.
( precisely how do you define he was in control?_
Somewhere around the 6th month into our relationship, he got so drunk that he peed right outside of his vehicle in a public area where there were lots of people.
looks like there was a red flag at 6 months and that he showed he wasnt in as much control as you perceived?
"In the months after, we went on several trips and got into several arguments about him reaching his drinking limits and him wanting to stay out late, bar hop and get drunk. Our arguments about his drinking became more frequent..."
what im reading is there were a LOT of red flags for quite some time, but maybe you chose to deny them or not look at them?
"I loved and still love this man so much. "
how do you define love? WHAT do you love about this man?
its quite common for an alcoholic to put on an act at the beginning of a relationship. Lord knows i did that for EVERY relationship i was in.
and it doesnt take long for the mask to come off, and from the way i read your experience, it wasnt the year you seem to perceive- it was within 6 months if not sooner.
its quite common for people in your shoes( and believe it or not, i was in them at one time- AFTER i got sober. i learned a whole LOt of what i put women i was in a relationship through)
to not see the truth right after a breakup. it took me a few months before i saw the red flags were flying from the get go.
anyways, onto solutions. you have come to a GREAT forum with a lot of AWESOME people who have been in your shoes and found solutions FOR THEMSELVES.
i highly suggest visiting the frineds and family of alcoholics forum here. it would be wise to start a thread there as quite a few members that visit that forum and offewr support and adives dont see these threads without them being in the f&f forum.
its gonna hurt, but that man did you a huge favor- he saved you from what could be years and years of you losing yourself even more.
you dont deserve that.
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.
one more lil thing on this:
"So, I packed my things and left hoping that he would ask me not to leave and hoping that he loved me enough to say that he would work on changing but he didn't."
he loved you enough to end the relationship. there was more than one time i ended a relationship like that. there was more than one time i purposefully was a cold hearted SOB. the reason was because i KNEW i wasnt going to change and only drag them down with me.
i didnt realize that until after i got sober, but that was one of the ways i was extremely screwed up.
and he aint gonna get help or change unless he wants to.
no matter how much you want him to or how much you do.
PLEASE visit the F&F forum!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by Purplrks3647
Hi SoHurt ~
Thank you for sharing....I can see so many similarities with your story and both of my exes. I've been away from them for quite some time now ~ (thank goodness!) I don't want to discourage you but it sounds like you're much better off without him. Guys know exactly how to reel us in, then their true selves start to slither through once they know they've got us hooked. What do I know, though....everyone is different . I just hope you don't have to go through the same hell I did having to get over those idiots. It wasted a crapload of my time and it sucked the life out of me! Try to focus on YOU.....I know, easier said than done. Sending lots of hugs
Thank you for sharing....I can see so many similarities with your story and both of my exes. I've been away from them for quite some time now ~ (thank goodness!) I don't want to discourage you but it sounds like you're much better off without him. Guys know exactly how to reel us in, then their true selves start to slither through once they know they've got us hooked. What do I know, though....everyone is different . I just hope you don't have to go through the same hell I did having to get over those idiots. It wasted a crapload of my time and it sucked the life out of me! Try to focus on YOU.....I know, easier said than done. Sending lots of hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Hi sohurt
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but you'll find a lot of support and understanding here
The sad fact with us alcoholics or addicts is there's very often a third party in the relationship.
I know how it must hurt that it's like your ex chose his addiction over you but I really believe addiction is a kind of insanity...it mucks us up and screws with our priorities.
Sounds to me like you deserve better and I hope you find it
D
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but you'll find a lot of support and understanding here
The sad fact with us alcoholics or addicts is there's very often a third party in the relationship.
I know how it must hurt that it's like your ex chose his addiction over you but I really believe addiction is a kind of insanity...it mucks us up and screws with our priorities.
Sounds to me like you deserve better and I hope you find it
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by Purplrks3647
It sounds like you're in a much better position that I was, since I turned to alcohol to help me "heal." That only delayed it and made things worse for me in the long run. So stay sober! 
Yes I will. Thank you Purplrks3647.
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