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Relapsed after 11 months...Utterly depressed. Please help me understand...

Old 07-30-2017, 12:26 PM
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Relapsed after 11 months...Utterly depressed. Please help me understand...

Hello everyone. After struggling with addiction for a couple of years..I finally managed to make it to 11 months sober with weekly therapy sessions since last fall...

The amount of stress I had this year was pretty much insanity...My dad's health declined causing him to be at an extended care facility...My best friend/roommate moved out because they got married...A lot of family drama with relatives (more than I have ever had in my entire life) I managed to make it through ALL the craziness this year but for some reason I just used a few days ago...I haven't went on a binge...BUT this was 11 MONTHS of sobriety...I haven't told my therapist yet...and I really am having thoughts of hopelessness and confusion...

Moreover, an ex is getting married in a month...The job I am currently at is terrible I feel that it is a trigger because it requires a lot of traveling often to places alone...and is not really a stable 9-5 job...I truly don't know what to do....

I knew after using I would feel terrible about it but not this terrible...I don't get it a few hours of pleasure and then an eternity of misery that follows...

Please please keep me in your prayers during this tumultuous time...

Any words of inspiration or advice will be greatly appreciated...
THANK YOU
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:36 PM
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Congrats on 11 months. That is a great achievement, you know you can do it.

I had a similar experience to you, long time sober, then everything that was part of my normal life, family, friends, work, play . . basically disappeared which led me down the glug glug glug path.

I would say don't drink today, if you feel like drinking have a sandwich and a glass of milk/ice tea first... then see how you feel. in other words keep eating , small meals, healthy snacks, will keep the cravings down.
- make it a goal to get your head to the pillow today without drinking ... worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:45 PM
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Hi!

11 months without a drink is a big accomplishment. Try not to beat yourself up to badly and continue doing what worked those 11 months and add on to it. It sounds like you have to find a way to cope with your stress. I always like to exercise for that. I think the 11 month mark is kinda tricky. I was kinda scared to reach that one year mark. Sometimes the fear of something different makes us kind of want to go back to old ways.
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:47 PM
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Thank you Bob4x4... It sucks because before this I had about 8 months and then relapsed...I don't want this to happen again..does this make me a chronic relapser? I don't want this to be a pattern..I don't understand what it is that I am doing wrong...Don't want to be such a downer but it would really help if I can understand why this keeps happening after getting close to a year clean....

Moreover, I may be calling it quits on my current job position and will start looking for a new position...all the free time kind of freaks me out. However, I have been meaning to quit my current position quite for some time... it's just not for me...
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:55 PM
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hi sky. Congrats on 11 months that is fantastic.

I can relate - I had 3.5 years and started again. I actually find it hard to believe sometimes but it's the truth. It just crept up on me and I allowed it in.
I'm back now and this is the best place for me. I'm just taking it slowly and steadily each day and doing my best to avoid drama.

obviously some things can't be avoided and I'm sorry about your father. Much of external drama in my life or surrounding others I distance myself from in order to protect myself.

It happened to me because I took my eye off the ball, stopped focusing on my sobriety, took it for granted maybe. I also just wanted a drink so I had 1. I know I can't drink and don't know why I thought it would be any different after a few years off

You're back here which is the most important thing
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by sky90 View Post
Thank you Bob4x4... It sucks because before this I had about 8 months and then relapsed...I don't want this to happen again..does this make me a chronic relapser? I don't want this to be a pattern..I don't understand what it is that I am doing wrong...Don't want to be such a downer but it would really help if I can understand why this keeps happening after getting close to a year clean....

Moreover, I may be calling it quits on my current job position and will start looking for a new position...all the free time kind of freaks me out. However, I have been meaning to quit my current position quite for some time... it's just not for me...
sky,

congrats on your 11 months. Unfortunately sometimes relapse is part of the disease. Beating up on yourself will not help.

we always need to remember to forgive ourselves first. Without that, nothing else will matter.

you have done it and you can do it again.

be honest with your therapist and yourself.

my very best to you on this shared path of recovery.
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:57 PM
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Hi sky90...I'd say definitely tell your therapist so that she/he can help you work out how/why it happened and then help plan how to avoid relapsing in the future. I can understand not wanting to tell your therapist (I did 2 yrs of psychotherapy) but it is their job to support you and to be non-judgmental. Hope you feel better soon x
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:58 PM
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The thing I wanted to tell my family and friends and celebrate my one year...NOW I am utterly afraid to tell anyone...do I need to tell anyone? Also, I just feel like I let everyone down...this year in therapy I worked hard..intensive therapy...but now I just feel guilt and remorse...


Where do I go from here? I don't want to think about this relapse anymore but it's all I have been thinking about...

I agree stress is definitely not something I do too well with...I may want to focus more on that..





Originally Posted by Midwest1981 View Post
Hi!

11 months without a drink is a big accomplishment. Try not to beat yourself up to badly and continue doing what worked those 11 months and add on to it. It sounds like you have to find a way to cope with your stress. I always like to exercise for that. I think the 11 month mark is kinda tricky. I was kinda scared to reach that one year mark. Sometimes the fear of something different makes us kind of want to go back to old ways.
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:06 PM
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Thank you cocokramer...sometimes I do forget it is a disease I just don't know why some people get it right the first time around and for others it takes so long...


Originally Posted by cocokramer View Post
sky,

congrats on your 11 months. Unfortunately sometimes relapse is part of the disease. Beating up on yourself will not help.

we always need to remember to forgive ourselves first. Without that, nothing else will matter.

you have done it and you can do it again.

be honest with your therapist and yourself.

my very best to you on this shared path of recovery.
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:13 PM
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Toughest thing I've ever done is to take the permission to drink away from everyone including myself. I cannot allow for any situation to start the thought, I just need a......stop!!! Not my boss, not traffic, not my kids, not my bank account, not my friends, nor my non existent love life, not loneliness, not missing a party, not my birthday or Christmas or New Year's Eve, not a rainy day or a sunny day, or the beach, or a plane.....see how this begins to sound like Dr. Suess. It's because as difficult as this journey can be, giving into these things is silly. I won't have one, because one is too many.....not on a box, not with a fox, not with an ox.........

Today is a sober day, yesterday is done and gone, press ahead.
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:14 PM
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Yes I will tell my therapist today and schedule a new appointment...I am terrified



Originally Posted by nova84 View Post
Hi sky90...I'd say definitely tell your therapist so that she/he can help you work out how/why it happened and then help plan how to avoid relapsing in the future. I can understand not wanting to tell your therapist (I did 2 yrs of psychotherapy) but it is their job to support you and to be non-judgmental. Hope you feel better soon x
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by sky90 View Post
Thank you Bob4x4... It sucks because before this I had about 8 months and then relapsed...I don't want this to happen again..does this make me a chronic relapser? I don't want this to be a pattern..I don't understand what it is that I am doing wrong...Don't want to be such a downer but it would really help if I can understand why this keeps happening after getting close to a year clean....

Moreover, I may be calling it quits on my current job position and will start looking for a new position...all the free time kind of freaks me out. However, I have been meaning to quit my current position quite for some time... it's just not for me...
Don't over examine why you drank, or over think your flaws, it's just going to make you feel worse.

I had 5 years and the shizzle hit the fan! it happens, dust myself off and move on. Don't know if you downhill ski but sometimes you fall even if you are an expert, get up and keep skiing. We drink because it's easily available and legal and it kinda does a really fast patching job on our emotions... it would be fantastic if it didn't have negative consequences for some of us that like to get overly refreshed. LOL.

I am also changing careers from doing writing, producing to manual labor (after i turned 50) so yeah, shizzle happens... and you have to pay the bills.

Get back on track ASAP otherwise a few days of drinking will turn into a few weeks, and then a few months, and then a few years . . .

don't drink today, get your head to the pillow without drinking booze.

worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:41 PM
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Wow, writing/producing to manual labor is a big change but everyone enjoys different things at different times in their life I am glad you know what you want...

I will not to over examine so much.. I do believe that sometimes this is why therapy is not always so effective..it causes us to over-examine too much...



Originally Posted by Bob4x4 View Post
Don't over examine why you drank, or over think your flaws, it's just going to make you feel worse.

I had 5 years and the shizzle hit the fan! it happens, dust myself off and move on. Don't know if you downhill ski but sometimes you fall even if you are an expert, get up and keep skiing. We drink because it's easily available and legal and it kinda does a really fast patching job on our emotions... it would be fantastic if it didn't have negative consequences for some of us that like to get overly refreshed. LOL.

I am also changing careers from doing writing, producing to manual labor (after i turned 50) so yeah, shizzle happens... and you have to pay the bills.

Get back on track ASAP otherwise a few days of drinking will turn into a few weeks, and then a few months, and then a few years . . .

don't drink today, get your head to the pillow without drinking booze.

worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:50 PM
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Yes SR really is a life savor...hopefully posting on here daily will help...3.5 is a long time and I am sorry you relapsed after all that amount of time however, it is understandable as it happens to the best of us...did you tell those around you? or did you keep it to yourself as you regained some ample amount of sobriety again?



Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast View Post
hi sky. Congrats on 11 months that is fantastic.

I can relate - I had 3.5 years and started again. I actually find it hard to believe sometimes but it's the truth. It just crept up on me and I allowed it in.
I'm back now and this is the best place for me. I'm just taking it slowly and steadily each day and doing my best to avoid drama.

obviously some things can't be avoided and I'm sorry about your father. Much of external drama in my life or surrounding others I distance myself from in order to protect myself.

It happened to me because I took my eye off the ball, stopped focusing on my sobriety, took it for granted maybe. I also just wanted a drink so I had 1. I know I can't drink and don't know why I thought it would be any different after a few years off

You're back here which is the most important thing
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:52 PM
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I too lapsed after nearly 9 months of sobriety. The self hatred and shame and anxiety you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
I say lapsed and not relapsed though, I obviously learned some things whilst living clean and I am determined to get back on that bloody horse. You can too
One thing I try to do is be kind to myself, some might think I am selfish at the moment and I am I suppose. But this shizz is life and death so be selfish if you have to.
xx
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:53 PM
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Sky,

Just wanted to say that I feel for you and you certainly have my prayers! I'd say you must have learned a great deal, and benefitted, physically and emotionally, from those 11 months alcohol free. You can do it again.

Don't despair! Tomorrow is another day.

We are here for you.
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by sky90 View Post
Yes SR really is a life savor...hopefully posting on here daily will help...3.5 is a long time and I am sorry you relapsed after all that amount of time however, it is understandable as it happens to the best of us...did you tell those around you? or did you keep it to yourself as you regained some ample amount of sobriety again?
I'm only on day 3 but not telling anyone. I've done that before and just feel pressure and then failure which I don't need. I'm only accountable to myself and only I can decide not to drink. Of course I need support, but from people who understand - on SR, reading my AVRT book, AA if that's your choice etc. Family and friends don't get it and I'm not wasting my energy on explaining myself to them trying to get them to understand something that 'normal' people just don't understand.
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Old 07-30-2017, 02:07 PM
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Sounds like a good plan... I don't think I will tell anyone either..I have told relatives in the past before but have only felt more like a failure as well...I honestly was thinking of relocating soon...not sure when but a change of scenery from the place I consistently relapse would be nice..

However, AVRT book and SR sounds like a good support system for your first few days...

I am actually now on day 3 as well



Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast View Post
I'm only on day 3 but not telling anyone. I've done that before and just feel pressure and then failure which I don't need. I'm only accountable to myself and only I can decide not to drink. Of course I need support, but from people who understand - on SR, reading my AVRT book, AA if that's your choice etc. Family and friends don't get it and I'm not wasting my energy on explaining myself to them trying to get them to understand something that 'normal' people just don't understand.
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Old 07-30-2017, 05:50 PM
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hi and welcome sky

I understand not wanting to tell anyone, but wouldn't it be worse when people start to congratulate you on your year and you know that thats a lie?

My advice is clear the decks, clean slate...and then look at how you've been stayiong sober.

Make a plan.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Think about the kind of things that lead you back to drink...if it's stress, even when it's valid stress, maybe thats an area you can work on and find other positive ways to deal with the problem.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...44-stress.html

There's no reason why you can turn these stretches of sobriety into a permanent lifestyle change

D
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Old 08-01-2017, 02:21 PM
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how's it going everyone?

Haven't used doing ok...

Been pretty depressed though...

Having trouble talking to others a lot of guilt due to the relapse..
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