Day 1 after drinking at the wedding.

Old 07-30-2017, 10:41 AM
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Day 1 after drinking at the wedding.

Not proud. In fact, I absolutely hate that I am on day 1 again.

But it is what it is, and I really do want to BE SOBER and live a totally sober life.

So... I am getting right back up and connecting here.
The temptation today was to hide from SR and my other group, in shame, but I am sure thats how I could easily slide into days upon days of not posting and eventually getting lost in a fog of blurry sobriety intentions.
and then... that leads to ... drunk every other night like I used to do.

I dont want it. I dont want to drink ever again. I dont want drinking to be a part of my life.

It feels bad in my body. No matter how much, or how little, I drink, it doesnt feel good anymore (it only numbs out my anxiety, but its a poor way of handling my anxiety because I dont exactly like how it feels anymore to have alcohol in my system at all anymore).

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Old 07-30-2017, 10:44 AM
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Good for you, keep at it
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Old 07-30-2017, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by herculana View Post
Not proud.

I dont want it. I dont want to drink ever again. I dont want drinking to be a part of my life.

It feels bad in my body.

Keep repeating that , never forget that, lick your wounds and move forward.
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Old 07-30-2017, 11:00 AM
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Hi welcome back. Please put yourself and your sobriety first. It's OK to turn down invites and say no to people. Putting yourself isn't selfishe or bad. It's necessary and important because you matter.
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Old 07-30-2017, 11:38 AM
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You're doing the right thing posting today! You can do this!
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Old 07-30-2017, 12:56 PM
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I'm so glad you came back to post. No reason to be ashamed and hide. You know that just will perpetuate the cycle.

I had countless Day 1s before I came here, only to falter on Day 2 or 3. Just keep taking the lessons learned, the gradual realization that there really is no benefit, only harm, to this substance being in your body and life.

You deserve so much more.

Pick up and move forward.

Hugs to you!
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:00 PM
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Glad you didn't hide Herc! I knew that was going to be tough; just remember you are still collecting sober days! So strengthen your plan and resolve. You can break free!
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:31 PM
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The first two months, when i was maintaining sobriety here, life was actually VERY easy. In some ways, it was the ideal time to get sober.

There was NO pressure to be any place. No weddings, no boyfriend living here with me, no kicking out my housemate, etc. No need for me to do very much OTHER than focus every moment on sobriety. No stress.

This time around the tempo in my life is different, and a little faster. There's more going on, and I am finding it not quite as easy to stay sober through it. I've been living through some big changes, which were not occurring two months ago.

This too shall pass, and I do not know what else to do right now, other than stay connected to my sober communities, and keep picking myself up, reading supportive material on sobriety and spirituality, etc.

My confidence in myself about remaining sober is not as rock solid as it once was, but I DO know that relapse IS a part of many folks paths to becoming sober for good (Not all, but many).

So I am trying to keep that knowledge in its proper perspective right now.
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Old 07-30-2017, 01:46 PM
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Just remember that those false starts, and perpetual Day 1s, although maybe not uncommon, are only hurting you.

I know that's ridiculously obvious, but really it comes down to that.

Life has rough seasons. Always. Illness, breakups, accidents, losses, disappointments. There's never going to be a stress-free time. As you know, alcohol may numb your stress, in the moment only, but it actually makes you LESS able to handle challenges.

Looking at it another way: you have so many GOOD things happening in your life. A promising, nurturing relationship. More financial stability, meaning you don't need a housemate any longer. The invitation to a family celebration to be shown off to your boyfriend's family.

You are so lucky!

Forgive me if I"m being too persistent and argumentative. Just want the best for you!

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Old 07-30-2017, 01:57 PM
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No Tealilly all youve said is super compassionate and helpful, and I always feel cared for when i read your messages to me, as well as the messages from everyone here.

Yes, I probably DO need to focus on gratitude MORE than I have been. I feel like I have been grateful, but maybe not quite enough, actually.

Thank you for that. Going to sit down and do a gratitude list today.

And yes indeed, my boyfriend is amazing. Ive never felt so calm, loved, accepted and adored... in the RIGHT ways, in the healthiest sense... in my life as I do now. He's amazing. Thats the truth.
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Old 07-30-2017, 02:10 PM
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Hey herculana. I'm on day 2 again myself. I had 99 days until then. I am utterly grateful that firstly I didn't even really enjoy it and also that I've stopped. It surely is an awful feeling that I "threw away" my 99 hard earned days but that kind of feeling isn't helpful to me. Got to roll up my sleeves and start again. You're not alone and please don't hide xxx
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Old 07-30-2017, 05:43 PM
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Welcome back Herculana

I think the best thing we can do for ourselves is make a recovery plan - what does your recovery plan look like?

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Old 07-30-2017, 07:29 PM
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Falling off the wagon...poem


I fell off the wagon, again last night. When am I ever, going to get this right?
Sometimes I’m a pretty good driver, of the old wagon load. But every once in a while, there’s a bump in the road.
I didn’t see it, before it was too late. Didn’t intend, to open that gate.
As I was flying through the air, I didn’t really care. But then I landed so hard, right on my head. I thought it was gonna explode, and I wished I was dead!
It seemed like so much fun, while I was flying high. But in the morning, I couldn’t deny.
Feeling embarrassed, as well as shame. Why can’t I control, this drinking game?!
Maybe I am powerless, against this disease. So I pray to God, on my knees. To help me with this addiction of mine. Hold on tight, to His life line.
The wagon had crashed, way over yonder. And through my thick head, I began to ponder.
While crawling back, on my knees. Cursing and praying, and feeling unease.
“I admit my mistake!”, I cry. “I’m getting back on that wagon, for another try!”
So back on the wagon, I struggle to climb. To get home safe, and just in time.
To ride my wagon, another day. And steer clear of those bumps, that are in the way.

Copyright©2017, All rights reserved.
Kelly Dreisinger
February 21, 2017

OPEN INVITATION to FB support group: Drunken Angel - Inspiration to empower those struggling with alcohol. (sorry, not allowed to post link here)
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Old 07-31-2017, 05:15 AM
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Glad you made it back, some folks don't.

Strengthening your recovery plan sounds like a good thing to do.
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Old 07-31-2017, 08:13 AM
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Herculana, I hope you aren't leaving the door open to relapse. I hope that you are steadfast in your sobriety. Use the wedding as a opportunity to revamp your recovery plan. I could not be around alcohol for many months. It just didn't work for me. What will you do next time that will help you to deal with a similar situation? I'm glad you came back.
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Old 07-31-2017, 08:22 AM
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You did not duck and cover, run and hide. You admitted you are human. What I failed to do for many years was to get help when I was so full of self loathing and hatred- well, go figure. I waited until I had up enough 'credible' sobriety time before saying I needed support (not help, mind- support). The best time to call out, to cry out for help and support is when you are feeling you lowest. You did stuff- it happens..meh. So you are human- get in line, sis- we all got that. So what can you do now- with that little bit more experience? How can you change your thinking, your plan, your behaviour? What supports?
Nothing but empathy and admiration- you posted so quickly after discovering you are in line with me and everyone else here in human-land.
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