Day 1 after 70 days of sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 147
Day 1 after 70 days of sobriety
I'm on day 1 again. I just lost control yesterday. I ended up going back to what was once my home with my husband. I knew he was gone and wouldn't come back if he saw my car there and I didn't want to bring alcohol into my home. I bought a fifth of whiskey and just started drinking.
I discovered pretty quickly I can't drink like I used to. I ended up drinking about a glass and a half before I passed out, immediately got sick when I woke up and had someone come and get me to take me home. I must've still been under the influence because I tried to leave again last night (not in the car). I walked down the road for awhile but came back.
I don't know what possesses me to do these things. They are the actions of a crazy person, but I know making the decision to divorce my husband has affected me more than I thought it would. Letting go is difficult and I'm finding it hard to find who I am without him. I definitely married him when I was sick and completely lost myself in him because I felt I had nothing else.
I know it's a crutch that I need to let go of. The process of finding myself is hard and painful. I've been running from my flaws and the longer I'm alone and sober the more I'm forced to confront them.
I'm lost and I don't know how to pick myself up and start again. Some days I can't see the point in trying or even living.
I discovered pretty quickly I can't drink like I used to. I ended up drinking about a glass and a half before I passed out, immediately got sick when I woke up and had someone come and get me to take me home. I must've still been under the influence because I tried to leave again last night (not in the car). I walked down the road for awhile but came back.
I don't know what possesses me to do these things. They are the actions of a crazy person, but I know making the decision to divorce my husband has affected me more than I thought it would. Letting go is difficult and I'm finding it hard to find who I am without him. I definitely married him when I was sick and completely lost myself in him because I felt I had nothing else.
I know it's a crutch that I need to let go of. The process of finding myself is hard and painful. I've been running from my flaws and the longer I'm alone and sober the more I'm forced to confront them.
I'm lost and I don't know how to pick myself up and start again. Some days I can't see the point in trying or even living.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
Sorry you are having a hard time of it, but I am sure of one thing, it will be easier to handle without alcohol (easier said than done) have you got people you can talk to so all the thoughts are out of your head instead of running around inside causing havoc, good luck wishing you all the best
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
From reading your post, you are going through a very heavy ordeal. The marriage has dissolved and you are figuring out what this means and how you are now to live your life. Of course, adding alcohol into this equation will only make matters worse as you discover yourself again and as you grieve the loss of your marriage.
I am sorry for your pain and please know that there are many many many reasons for you to live. You can come out of this any way you choose. You can be sober and find happiness in your sobriety or you can drown your sorrows in alcohol and be miserable from it. This road is not easy and you know that but it is worth it. Everything you put into it you will receive back.
Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself a little more today and tomorrow. Keep moving forward.
I am sorry for your pain and please know that there are many many many reasons for you to live. You can come out of this any way you choose. You can be sober and find happiness in your sobriety or you can drown your sorrows in alcohol and be miserable from it. This road is not easy and you know that but it is worth it. Everything you put into it you will receive back.
Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself a little more today and tomorrow. Keep moving forward.
I'm a big fan of the guitar. I love that damn instrument. - Steve Vai
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 46
Sorry to hear you are having so much pain. Is it possible that you went to his house because maybe, a little part of you, hoped for a confrontation? Is retaining a set of keys to the place something that you need to do?
I can only imagine what it's like to leave a relationship after experiencing so much change, yet not having a sense of self as an individual. You have a lot of insight in knowing that you need to let go, in knowing that you need to find out who you are, and in knowing that you need to come to terms with your flaws.
We are all flawed and we're all journeying towards acceptance, integration, and wholeness. Most of us have learned that alcohol never can make a bad situation better. During this crisis period give some thought to the things that made you "you" prior to meeting your husband. What are the things that made you different from your husband. Are there things that you quit doing during your marriage simply because there wasn't room for them anymore? Make a list of of some of these things and give thought to picking up some of the old hobbies and interests that were positive, helpful, and self-soothing.
The point in trying, and in living, is that there is still a lot of life left in you. You still have a lot to contribute to others and you still have a lot left to enjoy. You don't see it now but you're at a bend in the road and can't see all the potentially good people, experiences, and growth just around the corner. Have faith!
I can only imagine what it's like to leave a relationship after experiencing so much change, yet not having a sense of self as an individual. You have a lot of insight in knowing that you need to let go, in knowing that you need to find out who you are, and in knowing that you need to come to terms with your flaws.
We are all flawed and we're all journeying towards acceptance, integration, and wholeness. Most of us have learned that alcohol never can make a bad situation better. During this crisis period give some thought to the things that made you "you" prior to meeting your husband. What are the things that made you different from your husband. Are there things that you quit doing during your marriage simply because there wasn't room for them anymore? Make a list of of some of these things and give thought to picking up some of the old hobbies and interests that were positive, helpful, and self-soothing.
The point in trying, and in living, is that there is still a lot of life left in you. You still have a lot to contribute to others and you still have a lot left to enjoy. You don't see it now but you're at a bend in the road and can't see all the potentially good people, experiences, and growth just around the corner. Have faith!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
I feel for you. I lived through the divorce thing as a new mom. My dreams of being a minivan mom at the end of a culdesac were shattered. Absolutely the worse years of my life. I spent the following decade+ with an unhealthy drinking cycle. Please listen drinking makes everything worse and delays the time it takes tok recover from the pain of the end if your marriage. Find your gratitude list and avoid dwelling in this negative state.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 147
I go to AA, but I usually don't speak to anyone. I've been isolated from people for a long time. I have trouble trusting people with such personal information.
It's easier on here because no one knows who I am.
It's easier on here because no one knows who I am.
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