AwkwardKitty

Hi Everyone

I am new here and have been sober for 2 days. After around 14 months completely sober after mpre than a decade of problem drinking and mental health issues (pregnant for most of that!) In the past year I started having the odd drink again, mainly out or socially. I have my little boy to look after now and my mental health was good. However in the past 6 months my negative habits have crept back in. I am now drinking about 3 times a week, normally in a depression. I panic about needing more as soon as I have the first drink. I get myself stressed so I have a reason to drink. I go and get more in the middle of the night and I drink until I pass out. I spend the next day in a depressive funk, I feel suicidal and hate myself. I am doing a good job with my son still but this isnt who I want to be. Its not me. I dont even enjoy the drinks when I am having them, its a compulsion to finish everything in the house. I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents and in a traumatic / abusive childhood. I have a diagnosis of ocd. I have made really good progress with my mental health but following some upheaval and change re work in the past few months I am slipping back.
I totally fell into the trap of thinking I had enough distance to start again and be able to control it but I now realise I can't do that.

I decided to quit for good last week and am now sober for 2 days. To be fair I probably wouldnt have drunk for these 2 days anyway, I binge 2-3 times a week (years ago I was a daily drinker but recovered) so the real challenge lies in the next week.

I feel scared.

Maudcat

Hi, AwkwardKitty.
Welcome.
The key for me was accepting that I just couldn't drink, and had to make some changes.
It was hard at first, but it got easier and things got better all the way around.
I'm three years sober this month.

tomls

Welcome! It sounds like you drank like me. There are many of us on here. We are all the same only different! I know that you know how to do this cause you did it before. I've heard it gets harder every time we relapse and it was pretty tough for me this last time. I'll be 60 soon and this is the longest I have been clean and sober in my life, other than before 14 years old. I wish you well on your journey. Your child needs a sober mom.

Hevyn

Hi AwkwardKitty - so glad to have you with us.

Like Maudcat, admitting I couldn't touch it was the hardest thing. No amount of willpower or determination could help me once it was in my system. I never knew where that first drink would take me. At the end of my drinking career, it was leading me to reckless & unpredictable behavior. It was so good to get free of it. You can do it.

Mattq2

Hey kitty,
I walked out on me seven years of sobriety. I was convinced that I couldn't be an alcholic after seven years. Well I was wrong. You can find sobriety again. We just can't ever drink again. We are here for you.

PhoenixJ

Ki AK. Being alone with stuff is scary. That is why I NEED support- from a counsellor, meetings...
Support to you.

August252015

Glad you are here! You got another chance at sobriety - I hope you take it, permanently. You can.

Sounds like you might need to see a dr (drs) since you describe depression and such- I know both my GP and my psych have been a huge part of my success to date.

Take care and keep going.

noturningback2

hi, its a really hard thing to accept that you are not able to drink again no matter what, because we have no control over it. There is a lot of feelings about that, at least I didn't find it an easy thing to accept. But all my failed attempts to moderate and it seems everybody on here cant moderate either, shows we react to alcohol very differently to 'normal' drinkers.Its good you are here, as a binge drinker and mother also I know after 10 days I haven't yet been challenged particularly. Buti plan to stay the course, I hope you stay with me

SimplyFree

I got to the point where instead of feeling like I had to drink, it turned into relief. The relief that the nonstop compulsion was gone. Yes the thought still comes up, but it doesn't rule my life any longer. That is a good feeling.

ReadyAtLast

Hi Kitty, I know exactly how you feel. I had 3.5 years sober then drank again just because I wanted to drink. It was a one off, then I did it again, then a few weeks later, then the gaps became fewer, then it was almost every night. I've really had enough and am back again. we can do this Welcome back.

AwkwardKitty

Thank you for your responses.

Although I did 14 months sober, I did it alone and didn't really accept it as an addiction. I thought once I got some distance and changed my behaviours then I would be able to control it in the future. I can see from the posts here that it's a rookie mistake.

Over the past couple of months I have been doing lots of thinking and reading and now accept I am a problem drinker. I have no control over this.

AwkwardKitty

By the way, I am really craving a drink this evening.

Just have one.
Have one last blowout, you can start properly tomorrow.

I know one will end up in me going to the shop late tonight to get more. It will mean I dont get the good nights sleep I desperately need. It will mean I lie on the sofa most of tomorrow instead of having a productive day. It will mean tomorrow I will feel suicidal and hate myself.

I just needed to put it out there. This isnt easy.

PhoenixJ

No- AK it is not easy. It is hard. It takes effort- and that goes in the way of thinking about everything. Booze was like oxygen- it was so in ground in my daily routine, being without it meant a hard look at everything. So out of commitment to myself- for my sobriety- I will make one last effort b4 bed- to clean up. Not to 'just have one last bar of choc- b4 eating more healthy', like now. Even 'I will remember to take a cloth bag for shopping, no plastic' out of respect for the cosmos- out of respect for my recovery.

SimplyFree

Stay strong kitty! The urges pass faster than the shame and regret! Stay here post and read....you can make it!