Not Sure How to React... (long)
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 51
Not Sure How to React... (long)
I have been sober for 18 days. The day that I decided to stop drinking was also the day that I realized how badly alcohol was tanking my relationship with my SO. We have been together for about 4 and half years. We live together, and each have a child from a first marriage.
Anyway, 18 days ago he sat me down and told me he wasn't sure he wanted to continue being in a relationship with me because of my erratic behavior that was increasing in frequency. He said he still loved me, but that it "wasn't the same." I knew immediately that my drinking was the cause of almost all of my negative behavior. Also, I had stopped going to the gym and eating well because doing those things didn't fit in with my daily drinking habit.
We had a long talk and decided to give it one more shot. I stopped drinking, went back to the gym, started eating well again, and have made a huge effort to be as positive as I can. I honestly and truly feel better about myself, I sleep better, and I have more energy now than I have in God knows how long.
However, although our relationship seems to be improving I feel very insecure about it and am perhaps a bit hypersensitive to his words and actions. We talked this morning and he said that he can see how much effort I am making to improve my life and our relationship. He said he is working at "trying to love me more." When I asked him to explain that he essentially said that over the spring and early summer that his love for me diminished. I said that you either love someone or you don't and that you can't "work" to love someone more. He said that he believes you can.
I feel sick. What do I do?
I realize this is more of a relationship question but I feel as though the demise of this relationship was all due to my drinking. I guess what I'm asking is this - If a relationship was heavily damaged due to alcoholism can it be repaired when alcohol is removed from the equation? Has anyone been in a similar situation?
Anyway, 18 days ago he sat me down and told me he wasn't sure he wanted to continue being in a relationship with me because of my erratic behavior that was increasing in frequency. He said he still loved me, but that it "wasn't the same." I knew immediately that my drinking was the cause of almost all of my negative behavior. Also, I had stopped going to the gym and eating well because doing those things didn't fit in with my daily drinking habit.
We had a long talk and decided to give it one more shot. I stopped drinking, went back to the gym, started eating well again, and have made a huge effort to be as positive as I can. I honestly and truly feel better about myself, I sleep better, and I have more energy now than I have in God knows how long.
However, although our relationship seems to be improving I feel very insecure about it and am perhaps a bit hypersensitive to his words and actions. We talked this morning and he said that he can see how much effort I am making to improve my life and our relationship. He said he is working at "trying to love me more." When I asked him to explain that he essentially said that over the spring and early summer that his love for me diminished. I said that you either love someone or you don't and that you can't "work" to love someone more. He said that he believes you can.
I feel sick. What do I do?
I realize this is more of a relationship question but I feel as though the demise of this relationship was all due to my drinking. I guess what I'm asking is this - If a relationship was heavily damaged due to alcoholism can it be repaired when alcohol is removed from the equation? Has anyone been in a similar situation?
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Yes, it's possible to be repaired, but only time will tell.
If I were in that situation, I would try not to worry so much about the relationship and where it is or isn't going and focus more on my own recovery for the time being. I know very well that that's much easier said than done.
One thing I've learned is that things usually work out in the long run, although at the time I wasn't able to see the big picture. What seemed to be disasters to me at the time often turned into the best thing that could have happened, so now I try to trust what's happening and not overreact to it.
Staying sober and continuing on that path is your best hope for yourself, no matter what may happen down the road.
If I were in that situation, I would try not to worry so much about the relationship and where it is or isn't going and focus more on my own recovery for the time being. I know very well that that's much easier said than done.
One thing I've learned is that things usually work out in the long run, although at the time I wasn't able to see the big picture. What seemed to be disasters to me at the time often turned into the best thing that could have happened, so now I try to trust what's happening and not overreact to it.
Staying sober and continuing on that path is your best hope for yourself, no matter what may happen down the road.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
Hi Michelle-- alcohol had a negative impact on my marriage, which was a big part of why I quit. Things did improve very much with my sobriety. But it took time.
I was never really emotionally present before I got sober. We are closer now and my husband is much happier with sober me. But this took time and lots of adjustments and conversations ... over months. I would say in some ways we`re still adjusting after 3 years.
So my suggestion is to give it time, and focus on the only part you can control -- your well-being and your own responses and actions. Give him time to sort out his side of the street. Perhaps counseling could help too, either separately or together at some point?
I was never really emotionally present before I got sober. We are closer now and my husband is much happier with sober me. But this took time and lots of adjustments and conversations ... over months. I would say in some ways we`re still adjusting after 3 years.
So my suggestion is to give it time, and focus on the only part you can control -- your well-being and your own responses and actions. Give him time to sort out his side of the street. Perhaps counseling could help too, either separately or together at some point?
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
I agree to focus on your recovery. You are still in the early days of being sober. Your focus should be on you. The rest should fall into place. Rebuilding trust takes time. Just worry about you, be the best "you" you can be, you cannot make someone love you. I can tell you that a strong, confident woman is very sexy, a worried, fearful one is not. The drinking has to stop, you know that, if it is too late for your relationship (which does not sound at all like it is) that is a lesson learned but not a reason to fall backward and drink.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Hi Michelle. I'm going to split hairs here a bit, so bear with me. I think maybe you and your SO are talking about two different facets. Love, in its perfect sense is an act of the human will. It's a verb, not a noun, and is based entirely on actions. Feelings or emotion have nothing to do with it. Many times the emotional component or "feelings" we have for people in our lives spur us to the action. In a very real sense, being committed to someone means being able to say I don't feel love for you in the emotional sense but I choose (or I will myself) to love you (the act of love). The problem these days to me, is that many people associate the emotion or feeling of being in love with someone as love itself, and as soon as those feelings begin to change, they bail, instead of buckling down and focusing on the act of loving, which can, in fact, make the emotional component return (fake it till you make it) kind of thing. So to make a long story longer, both you and your SO are right. If I'm reading your post correctly, you're speaking of the emotional component, while your SO is speaking of the essence. I'm not sure if any of this even helps, except to point out that people communicate in different ways, and often times misunderstandings can arise out of things that on the surface seem pretty simple. At any rate, I've been where you are, and I know it's painful and frightening. My best wishes to you. You're both in my prayers.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Thanks for your thoughts. Regardless of the outcome of this relationship I know that drinking is something that I can't fall back on. I don't think I would ever be able to maintain a successful relationship in the long term while drinking. It causes me to be too erratic, moody, and combative.
While the conversation with my SO may have been the catalyst for me to quit, it's far from the only reason I chose to quit. I have known for a looooong time it was only a matter of time before I got a DUI or destroyed a friendship or fell down a flight of stairs, etc. I have known for at least 5 years, but probably more like 7 or 8, that eventually I would need to get sober. I let the party go on for WAY too long.
While the conversation with my SO may have been the catalyst for me to quit, it's far from the only reason I chose to quit. I have known for a looooong time it was only a matter of time before I got a DUI or destroyed a friendship or fell down a flight of stairs, etc. I have known for at least 5 years, but probably more like 7 or 8, that eventually I would need to get sober. I let the party go on for WAY too long.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by BlownOne 
In a very real sense, being committed to someone means being able to say I don't feel love for you in the emotional sense but I choose (or I will myself) to love you (the act of love). The problem these days to me, is that many people associate the emotion or feeling of being in love with someone as love itself, and as soon as those feelings begin to change, they bail, instead of buckling down and focusing on the act of loving, which can, in fact, make the emotional component return (fake it till you make it) kind of thing.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 403
Right there with you. I was very impatient in the beginning as well. I just wanted it all erased because in my mind, I knew that I would stay sober (and I hope I will, but only time will tell. It's been 14 months).
After my second dramatic trip to ER in two years, which was preceded by a ton of erratic and abusive behavior, he told me that he wanted to leave me on the way home from the hospital. It wasn't mean. It was just flat. I was devastated. I still don't know and won't know if I was devastated for the right reasons; I suspect not because at that point, I, too, hated him. A lot of my spiral downward was the result of things in our relationship (I still take full blame, though).
He was not supportive at all (and hasn't been), he thought it was a moral failing, etc. There hasn't been a whole lot of love lost between the two of us and that put the nail in the coffin.
anyway, I asked him to stay and try. Yes, it was desperate, but I'm already divorced from the first and my older kids suffered. I have one with him and I really didn't want to go through that again. Plus, we live in separate areas for work, so no real way to split up custody. Plus, we were broke and no money for a custody fight. Plus, I'm under no illusion that some prince charming will come along as a third husband and step in when I have three children. And, I'm in my forties, so not young.
anyway, we stuck it out. At first, I would always ask him, especially after "those" times together, if he felt like he loved me again, wanted to go forward, etc. His replies, though genuine, thoughtful, and sensitive made me so angry because they were non-committal and indecisive. I would accuse him of using me and tell him if he didn't feel emotionally with it, he needed to lay his paws off. I just decided one day to stop asking and depend on time to heal it or not. It was too emotional draining to play the game.
Here we are 14 months later. I'd say that the alcohol did do irrevocable damage because it was prolonged and I acted viciously toward the end. Some of the things I did will never go away. I've learned to just deal with this and move on toward this new, broken version of "us." It heals slowly over time, but nothing is automatic and I don't take anything for granted.
I don't know if this is helpful, but I'm just saying I understand. I reached the point of no return and though we've tried to return, I don't know that we ever will. I'm sort of apathetic now.
After my second dramatic trip to ER in two years, which was preceded by a ton of erratic and abusive behavior, he told me that he wanted to leave me on the way home from the hospital. It wasn't mean. It was just flat. I was devastated. I still don't know and won't know if I was devastated for the right reasons; I suspect not because at that point, I, too, hated him. A lot of my spiral downward was the result of things in our relationship (I still take full blame, though).
He was not supportive at all (and hasn't been), he thought it was a moral failing, etc. There hasn't been a whole lot of love lost between the two of us and that put the nail in the coffin.
anyway, I asked him to stay and try. Yes, it was desperate, but I'm already divorced from the first and my older kids suffered. I have one with him and I really didn't want to go through that again. Plus, we live in separate areas for work, so no real way to split up custody. Plus, we were broke and no money for a custody fight. Plus, I'm under no illusion that some prince charming will come along as a third husband and step in when I have three children. And, I'm in my forties, so not young.
anyway, we stuck it out. At first, I would always ask him, especially after "those" times together, if he felt like he loved me again, wanted to go forward, etc. His replies, though genuine, thoughtful, and sensitive made me so angry because they were non-committal and indecisive. I would accuse him of using me and tell him if he didn't feel emotionally with it, he needed to lay his paws off. I just decided one day to stop asking and depend on time to heal it or not. It was too emotional draining to play the game.
Here we are 14 months later. I'd say that the alcohol did do irrevocable damage because it was prolonged and I acted viciously toward the end. Some of the things I did will never go away. I've learned to just deal with this and move on toward this new, broken version of "us." It heals slowly over time, but nothing is automatic and I don't take anything for granted.
I don't know if this is helpful, but I'm just saying I understand. I reached the point of no return and though we've tried to return, I don't know that we ever will. I'm sort of apathetic now.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi Michelle, a relationship absolutely can be repaired, in fact, it can end up being far better than it was before the problems ever began. The thing is though, it's going to happen on his time, not yours.
When I think about some of the things I said and did I'm amazed my husband is still with me. When I quit I also expected him in a very short period of time to act like nothing ever happened. Then I came here and posted about it. Some of the responses were raw but they helped me to understand just because I wanted everything I did to disappear that wasn't what was going to happen. All I could do was to continue working on my sobriety and recovery and let go of the expectation of how quickly he was going to heal.
Here's the phenomena. When I lived in the expectation of him healing based on my watch things never went well. When I let go of that and just worked on me things seemed to progress positively much quicker.
There were a few times I quit that I would badger him about how he felt about me and wanted to hear what a good girl I was for not drinking. Because, I knew his answer was going to be something I didn't want to hear. That would then turn into a resentment. Then, that resentment would turn into "So if he's going to be a jerk I might as well just drink". Be careful of the games our addicted minds like to play. It will lead you down a path because it knows the end result is a reason to drink. It's sneaky like that. This happened to me but it took a few times for me to realize it.
Focus on you and let time take it's course. He'll get there. Don't ask him questions about how he feels, just give him the right to heal in his own time. I promise you, when you do this you'll be much happier and you'll start to see the changes. Don't form any expectations of when that will be, just let it happen.
When I think about some of the things I said and did I'm amazed my husband is still with me. When I quit I also expected him in a very short period of time to act like nothing ever happened. Then I came here and posted about it. Some of the responses were raw but they helped me to understand just because I wanted everything I did to disappear that wasn't what was going to happen. All I could do was to continue working on my sobriety and recovery and let go of the expectation of how quickly he was going to heal.
Here's the phenomena. When I lived in the expectation of him healing based on my watch things never went well. When I let go of that and just worked on me things seemed to progress positively much quicker.
There were a few times I quit that I would badger him about how he felt about me and wanted to hear what a good girl I was for not drinking. Because, I knew his answer was going to be something I didn't want to hear. That would then turn into a resentment. Then, that resentment would turn into "So if he's going to be a jerk I might as well just drink". Be careful of the games our addicted minds like to play. It will lead you down a path because it knows the end result is a reason to drink. It's sneaky like that. This happened to me but it took a few times for me to realize it.
Focus on you and let time take it's course. He'll get there. Don't ask him questions about how he feels, just give him the right to heal in his own time. I promise you, when you do this you'll be much happier and you'll start to see the changes. Don't form any expectations of when that will be, just let it happen.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Whilst I can't answer your specific question I can say just how much drinking does negatively affect a relationship.
I quit for 3.5 years then started again. when I was sober I was so happy and stable, despite going through a breakup, divorce, career change, house move - all the major stuff. Despite all the good stuff I picked up again last year and it's been a slow deterioration since tbh. on and off, more off than on, then more on than off.
I met my now husband when sober and he has seen me sober and then occasionally drinking then more recently, more heavy drinking. I've recently had a serious wake up call - nothing specifically bad happened (YET) but I have suddenly realised how much I have to lose and lose it I will if I do not stop drinking.
I can relate to how you feel. All you say I can relate to- the better sleep, more energy and for me mental stability and peace of mind.
Congrats on 18 days btw
I quit for 3.5 years then started again. when I was sober I was so happy and stable, despite going through a breakup, divorce, career change, house move - all the major stuff. Despite all the good stuff I picked up again last year and it's been a slow deterioration since tbh. on and off, more off than on, then more on than off.
I met my now husband when sober and he has seen me sober and then occasionally drinking then more recently, more heavy drinking. I've recently had a serious wake up call - nothing specifically bad happened (YET) but I have suddenly realised how much I have to lose and lose it I will if I do not stop drinking.
I can relate to how you feel. All you say I can relate to- the better sleep, more energy and for me mental stability and peace of mind.
Congrats on 18 days btw
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