My Marriage is Failing
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
So, just curious. Have you told her how her how you feel? Have you laid out expectations and needs? She can't read your mind. She's not going to instinctively know how to love you the way you'd prefer. Seems to me you at least owe her the honesty of telling her how you really feel. Nobody likes to go along thinking everything is fine and then have the sheriff show up out of the blue serving divorce papers. Don't get me wrong. I'm not defending her. Just saying that perception isn't always reality. I've been where you are, and it's hell. Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 1,742
Hi Horn. Lots of responses here. You touched a hot topic.
Congratulations on three days without a drink.
And congratulations on seeing the truth that booze won't make your life any better. Only sobriety can do that.
Congratulations on three days without a drink.
And congratulations on seeing the truth that booze won't make your life any better. Only sobriety can do that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 51
Hi Horn,
I'm sorry you're struggling with relationship issues right now. Obviously I only know what you've written here, but I was wondering if I might offer a different perspective?
I'm 36 and just finished a 2+ year program to finish my bachelor's degree. As soon as I finished I realized I wanted to apply to a second bachelor's program for nursing and I needed to take 5 prerequisite courses in a short amount of time to be eligible to apply for next spring. I work full time, so I spent most evenings and every weekend studying and taking exams. My SO and our kids went up north skiing every weekend this past winter and I stayed home. I honestly thought nothing of it. I was single minded about the task I needed to complete. It turns out that my SO felt like we were growing apart because I wasn't involved in these family activities. When he told me that I was completely taken by surprise! I had no idea that by focusing so much on school that I was coming across as cold and disinterested to my SO.
I'm just wondering if perhaps because your wife is in grad school that her focus is currently there rather than on the relationship with you. That's not a bad thing. It's not possible to give 100% of yourself to every piece of your life. I prioritized my school work because ultimately it can help me provide a better life for my whole family. I'm doing it for them as much as I am for myself, but in order to make it happen I've had to isolate myself a bit.
Is it possible that what you're perceiving as "coldness" may just be a preoccupation with another important part of her life? I know that my feelings for my SO didn't change one bit even though I was coming across as though they had.
I'm sorry you're struggling with relationship issues right now. Obviously I only know what you've written here, but I was wondering if I might offer a different perspective?
I'm 36 and just finished a 2+ year program to finish my bachelor's degree. As soon as I finished I realized I wanted to apply to a second bachelor's program for nursing and I needed to take 5 prerequisite courses in a short amount of time to be eligible to apply for next spring. I work full time, so I spent most evenings and every weekend studying and taking exams. My SO and our kids went up north skiing every weekend this past winter and I stayed home. I honestly thought nothing of it. I was single minded about the task I needed to complete. It turns out that my SO felt like we were growing apart because I wasn't involved in these family activities. When he told me that I was completely taken by surprise! I had no idea that by focusing so much on school that I was coming across as cold and disinterested to my SO.
I'm just wondering if perhaps because your wife is in grad school that her focus is currently there rather than on the relationship with you. That's not a bad thing. It's not possible to give 100% of yourself to every piece of your life. I prioritized my school work because ultimately it can help me provide a better life for my whole family. I'm doing it for them as much as I am for myself, but in order to make it happen I've had to isolate myself a bit.
Is it possible that what you're perceiving as "coldness" may just be a preoccupation with another important part of her life? I know that my feelings for my SO didn't change one bit even though I was coming across as though they had.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
Hi, its amazing what sobering up brings, I would like just to say when I was drinking I was awful to my husband and I mean awful, during my drinking he done something that hurt me beyond anything, so that was my excuse to carry on drinking because in my mind he had hurt me so I was entitled to get hammered, when I finally sobered up for 6 months I realised it was both our faults we had hurt each other, so we decided to start dating again ie date nights etc, my point is could this be something you could both try, good luck
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 14
Hi Horn95,
I am sorry you are in such a place. While my situation was different from yours is, I can relate to how you are feeling.
Life can be difficult and exhausting and overwhelming at times. I was married 16+ years with six kids. Barely had time to decompress, with all of the running, driving, attending and other tons of tasks. Probably why I became an alcoholic. My ex isn't and never was an alcoholic. As odd as it sounds, she never noticed until I confessed to her in the midst of the wheels coming off of the marriage. I told her I knew I had a problem and I knew I needed help, but I chose not to turn to her for that help because I knew she would kick me out the door. Sadly, she agreed that that is what she would have done. Another story for another day.
What I will say to you is from the perspective of an alcoholic recovering (trying to recover?) from drinking: Brother, you can't take it ALL on at once. You're on Day 3. I am on Day 22. (despite knowing I had a booze problem since 2011 or so, it has only been this year that I have admitted that completely stopping the booze is my only option - or dying). Yes, it sounds like you have a lot of issues within the marriage. And yes, there are probably other areas of your life that are in turmoil or problematic.
But.
One thing at a time. You mentioned relapses. I have had a few of those too. For myself, I came to the realization that although I have not suffered the catastrophic consequences others around here have (YET!), if I continued to drink, I would disappear down that hole and never be able to climb/crawl back out again.
I would say to concentrate on your sobriety right now. Day at a time. Get some stability in it, some consistency. When your feet are under you a little bit more, some answers will present themselves to you. Your marriage might feel miserable right now, but it isn't killing you. The booze is. You can do this. Handle the drinking first; the marriage isn't going anywhere yet and you can look at it with clearer eyes after some sober time.
Good luck and God bless.
I am sorry you are in such a place. While my situation was different from yours is, I can relate to how you are feeling.
Life can be difficult and exhausting and overwhelming at times. I was married 16+ years with six kids. Barely had time to decompress, with all of the running, driving, attending and other tons of tasks. Probably why I became an alcoholic. My ex isn't and never was an alcoholic. As odd as it sounds, she never noticed until I confessed to her in the midst of the wheels coming off of the marriage. I told her I knew I had a problem and I knew I needed help, but I chose not to turn to her for that help because I knew she would kick me out the door. Sadly, she agreed that that is what she would have done. Another story for another day.
What I will say to you is from the perspective of an alcoholic recovering (trying to recover?) from drinking: Brother, you can't take it ALL on at once. You're on Day 3. I am on Day 22. (despite knowing I had a booze problem since 2011 or so, it has only been this year that I have admitted that completely stopping the booze is my only option - or dying). Yes, it sounds like you have a lot of issues within the marriage. And yes, there are probably other areas of your life that are in turmoil or problematic.
But.
One thing at a time. You mentioned relapses. I have had a few of those too. For myself, I came to the realization that although I have not suffered the catastrophic consequences others around here have (YET!), if I continued to drink, I would disappear down that hole and never be able to climb/crawl back out again.
I would say to concentrate on your sobriety right now. Day at a time. Get some stability in it, some consistency. When your feet are under you a little bit more, some answers will present themselves to you. Your marriage might feel miserable right now, but it isn't killing you. The booze is. You can do this. Handle the drinking first; the marriage isn't going anywhere yet and you can look at it with clearer eyes after some sober time.
Good luck and God bless.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Lots of good advice here Horn, I hope you are able to step back and take it all in. As others have mentioned, 3 days sober is great - but it's far to early to even consider making major life decisions like relationships, etc. Focus on your recovery right now, it's the most important thing.
I know it's a touchy subject but consider all you've put your wife through during your drinking years. It literally took years for me to start gaining back the trust of my wife after all the lies I told and antics she had to put up with due to my drinking.
I know it's a touchy subject but consider all you've put your wife through during your drinking years. It literally took years for me to start gaining back the trust of my wife after all the lies I told and antics she had to put up with due to my drinking.
Last edited by ScottFromWI; 07-26-2017 at 10:06 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Horn, I don't think I have any words of wisdom, but there are two things I don't wish upon anyone, that is addiction and a failed marriage, so I feel for ya. Support to you and wishing you the very best. The best thing you could do is take care of yourself, and sobriety being part of that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
I'm in a similar situation and I'm really struggling to give it time for the marriage to heal, which I don't even know is possible. I feel so happy in all other areas of my sobriety, but there is a black cloud over my marriage that really hurts and I can't get away from.
We have kids, and neither of us are going to leave them. It's really uncomfortable for me. I guess I deserve it.
We have kids, and neither of us are going to leave them. It's really uncomfortable for me. I guess I deserve it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
This is such a great community. Y'all (that's a Texas-ism) are awesome.
I guess one of the early hallmarks of sobriety is emotions are all over the place. i just need to chill.
Btw, I met with a mindfulness counselor today. Wow. I have turned to alcohol because it is the only thing that could slow my mind down. But one session slowed me down.
In any event, I'll keep y'all posted.
I guess one of the early hallmarks of sobriety is emotions are all over the place. i just need to chill.
Btw, I met with a mindfulness counselor today. Wow. I have turned to alcohol because it is the only thing that could slow my mind down. But one session slowed me down.
In any event, I'll keep y'all posted.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I hope you won't put too much weight on your musings about your marriage three days into sobriety. Or do anything drastic. I'm not saying you're wrong. Just give your recovery priority. You said yourself, neither of you are going anywhere. Sobriety first, then the marriage.
To to put a different slant on things. When I first got sober, about nine months after I got married, the honeymoon had wore off. I was unhappy and wondered how my wife's feeling for me had changed.
I was looking at if from the lens of doggonecarl...very narrow and self centered. Turns out my wife was suffering from some mental health issues, PTSD, and a poorly monitored regime of meds. So she wasn't herself. Once cleared up, 8 years married, we couldn't be happier.
Perhaps your wife is unhappy, stressed, whatever and it has nothing to do with you. OR it has to do with your drinking and quitting will clear it up. I hope so. Sounds like you want it to work. Hope it does.
To to put a different slant on things. When I first got sober, about nine months after I got married, the honeymoon had wore off. I was unhappy and wondered how my wife's feeling for me had changed.
I was looking at if from the lens of doggonecarl...very narrow and self centered. Turns out my wife was suffering from some mental health issues, PTSD, and a poorly monitored regime of meds. So she wasn't herself. Once cleared up, 8 years married, we couldn't be happier.
Perhaps your wife is unhappy, stressed, whatever and it has nothing to do with you. OR it has to do with your drinking and quitting will clear it up. I hope so. Sounds like you want it to work. Hope it does.
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