FallingLeaves

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and have had a difficult life with symptoms of PTSD (complex) including depression, eating disorders, self harm and an intense hatred towards myself and my body. I have punished myself for as long as I can remember, and I self sabotage whenever I dare to feel any kind of happiness - because I have felt such shame and guilt concerning the abuse. I have worked with this in therapy and I have managed to see that the abuse was not my fault, but I still have a long way to go.

The thing is, that when I feel the need to punish myself I turn to alcohol, because it impacts me and my family the most. I have never been able to understand why my husband of 17 years still wants to be with me, because I have always thought of myself as a horrible person. And to make him see that his wife is a mess, I drink. So I don't hate myself because I drink, I drink because I hate myself. Chicken, not the egg.

If I work really, really hard with myself, I can go weeks without drinking, but eventually something will happen that triggers my old coping mechanisms - and I crumble and drink to punish myself. So, I have a problem. I have tried all the tools I can find to prevent this from happening, but until I have resolved my childhood issues I am terrified that I won't be able to stay away from this poison in difficult times. It is now five days since I decided to stop drinking, and so far I have absolutely no problems. No detox, no cravings, no difficulties in social settings, and as long as I can see that I deserve to be sober, I can do it. But when the going gets tough...

I am going to use SR every day and I am committed to doing whatever I can to avoid drinking. Because I'm worth it.

FallingLeaves

I was hoping this might function as an introduction to myself, but I was wrong... Anyways, day 6 is coming to an end, and I'm elbow deep in a bag of M&M's watching old episodes of CSI. Spent the day in the yard, real manual labor, cutting down trees and shrubs, but now I'm knitting a sweater for myself.

doggonecarl

Congrats on 6 days sober.

Sorry to hear about your trauma. My wife was sexual abused by her father and it has caused her to suffer most of her life. However, medication and therapy has helped her tremendously. Hope you find a way out of your pain.

ulfr

WELCOME i thought i was looking in the mirror when i read your post
i have been through a lot of what you have been through and am so sorry that you had to inure that trauma You are doing well give yourself something nice like a bubble bath ( plus relaxing in the bath helps so much )
focus on what you can do and keep posting here

BrendaChenowyth

Here we go, I happened to just discover this forum for survivors of sexual abuse, like you and me.
Forums - Pandora's Aquarium

FallingLeaves

Thank you, guys. Means a lot to me.

I am facing a difficult week. Tomorrow my husband is taking two of the kids to visit his family, and the third kid is going on a trip this weekend. That means that I am going to be all alone this weekend, and I am afraid I'll cave and drink. Right now when I think about it, I realize that I don't want to drink, but who knows what I might be thinking tomorrow?

Advice?

Gottalife

I am really sorry to hear about your PTSD, but all I can say on that subject is that it will be easier to treat when the alcohol is dealt with.

Things happen. It's called life. They need not be bad things. Something to celebrate can be just as dangerous as something to mourn. The thing to learn is that it is not the external event that is the problem, it is our reaction to it.

When they put me in the nut farm, I found it very easy to stay sober. All life's problems were taken care of, right down to the simple daily routines of eating and sleeping. Dead easy to not drink, even enjoyable.

Then I got out in the world and life began to happen. Problems with people, motivation, work, debt, property, somewhere to live, you name it, they just beat me down to the point that I was so miserable an ineffective, drinking looked attractive again. It was my solution.

I have seen it many times in AA. Someone comes in, does regular meetings and nothing else. Things are peachy for a while they may stay sober for many years, as long as life is ticking along ok. Then something happens, and their almost instantaneous reaction is to drink. Bam.

AA has given me a different reaction to life. Sane and normal is the best way to describe it. Whatever situation has cropped up, good or bad, it has never occurred to me to pick up. Instead I do whatever the normal thing would be to do in that situation.

When I say AA, I don't mean the meetings, though they played an important part. I made a serious effort to adopt the steps as a way of life, and as the result, underwent a profound change in my reaction to life. Part of that has been an ability to use professionals like doctors appropriately when needed.

I think pretty much every life event has happened to me, as it will to everyone, and not once has it occurred to me to drink. Being free of that obsession has left me free to grow and develop in every other area of my life, perhaps as was originally intended.

Forward12

It is common to turn to alcohol and other substances after traumatic events, but it really just makes matters worse.
I would really suggest to start seeing a therapist which should help greatly.

Anna

FallingLeaves, I was really good at self-sabotage, too. I felt the need to punish myself, I believed I didn't deserve to be happy. It was very hard to break the cycle. I really felt like I was taking a leap of faith and free-falling, but I simply had to stop. And, you know, once I did that, things got easier.

You deserve to live a happy and peaceful life. We all do.

FallingLeaves

I feel like I'm about to break the cycle, and I have come very far - far enough to see that I indeed deserve a happy life. Getting there is going to take me some time though, and I can't wait to get back to work in two weeks. I know things will get better then.