herculana

Man, the anger and frustration I feel these days is SO intense. I HATE IT.

I have almost no control over it.

So I really NEED to get my flipping house in order. Its out of hand. And its only snowballing and making me feel more out of control.

My boyfriend has been WONDERFUL, but of course, he's not an alcoholic, so he doesnt fully GET why I flip out, or feel so tragic about the house being the way it is right now. To him, its simple: The house is a mess. No big deal. Clean it up. No big deal.

Except I always did it drunk. I was JUST learning, these past two months, how to do it sober, but in the middle of all that I traveled, and all kinds of things were going on, so it wasnt great practice. Not consistent enough for me to begin to really unravel all my bizarre overwhelming baggage tangeled up in THE ISSUE of house cleaning.

But even though he doesnt get it, he still gives me ample space around it. Hes not angry that the house is messy, but he also DESERVES it to be cleaner, without the BRUNT of cleaning it all falling on his shoulders, especially now that he is working full-time.

I feel like a helpless child about these issues. Overwhelmed to the MAX.

Anyway, today it took me forever to even START cleaning, then when I finally did start, all it took to suck the winf right out of my sails was my drunk housemate barging into the area I was cleaning and starting ANOTHER STUPID conversation about a girl he is trying to date, beginning with THIS:

"Hey, Sister, youre a woman, Right?"

The question was, itself, rhetorical, and idiotic, and that fact set my TEETH ON EDGE, because I knew it was leading to a pointless conversation in which he was hoping to get his ego stroked. And I was right. He wanted confirmation that a girl he is dating was getting jealous about something. He just wanted me to be his gossipy YES girl about it, and I HAD ZERO PATIENCE FOR IT.

All I wanted to do was play my music and go into my own little world of cleaning with focus. I get REALLY EASILY thrown off, so I was just desperate to HALT the flipping conversation PRONTO.

I told him that I was trying to focus, I cant get into these conversations right now, and I am really trying to get some things done around here.

His feelings were hurt.
I got more overwhelmed. I dont like hurting peoples feelings.
But he finally left me alone. I shook off the anger / frustration best I could and went back to cleaning... for ten minutes, till my BF, who was supposed to be working tonight, comes in the front door unexpectedly with LOADS of stuff from costco (more overwhelming feelings)...I have to stop what I am doing to help get stuff outta the car. Several trips up and down stairs.
He tells me he is just going to unpack the stuff and go back to his job (he's an Uber driver) ... But he doesnt. He stays here, and starts assembling his new music equipment ALL OVER THE KITCHEN. And TWO HOURS go by, and its evening now, and I KNOW I wont clean anything today, at this point.

I lost my crap. Cried. Angry. Apologizing. Angry.

OH MY GOD.


I am also on my period, but STILL. Cleaning house ALWAYS is such a crazy horrible struggle for me, period or not.

On top of all of this, my mom is all alone, and acting strange and I feel I need to hurry up and go back to her place at least for a couple days to stabilize her and make sure her house is safe because she tends to REALLY let her place become messy and downright dangerously so (she usually has another caregiver two days a week, but her caregiver took a month long vacation).

CHERRY ON TOP: Boyfriend wants me to kick out my housemate, pronto. We can pay for this place by ourselves now, and we need the space, and my housemate is a terrible housemate anyway because of his drinking. But the thought of having that conversation with my housemate right now, or even tomorrow, is BEYOND overwhelming for me. He is NOT going to be happy about it, and I know it will stress him out in a huge way.

I want him out, too, but I usually do things on my own time, and the added pressure from boyfriend is ... just hard for me


Thanks for letting me get all of this out.

tealily

Yikes, Herculana, what a day! So sorry.

I feel you on the messy house. That always increases my anxiety too, because I not only hate it, but I blame myself, too. What I'd say to you, though, from the heart, is that considering everything else you are trying to battle now, don't be so hard on yourself! Now isn't the time to relearn housecleaning while not drinking, if they were so closely connected. Do other things.

The house doesn't have to be clean. Let it go. I know you want it to be, but it won't matter if it isn't right now, on Day 2, or anytime soon. Let the anxiety go too. Tell yourself, make yourself believe.. it doesn't really matter. It's just stuff.

You said your boyfriend doesn't care but you think he deserves it to be clean. Maybe so, but for now, while you are working on something so important to your health and your AND his happiness.. take him at his word.

As to the housemate, maybe for several reasons it would be a good idea to tell him you have to give him notice. That happens all the time. You have good reasons. His drinking in the house maybe first among them. Plan out what to say, and be calm and clear.. it's not unreasonable, and it sounds like it's time. Put your serenity, your peace of mind, first.

Your boyfriend sounds like a nice, down to earth guy. Enjoy him and his Costco spoils! Enjoy his tinkering with his music equipment. Relax, and let the housework go.

Get a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow will be better, and it'll be Day 3!

xoxoxo

herculana

Your words are truly a healing balm. Thank you so much for understanding these feelings, Tealilly. After I wrote all of that I felt insecure... Like... "Jesus, things could be so much worse, people are gonna think youre a brat!"

But its just that I didnt deal healthily with all of these little things before getting sober, and what got me drinking last time was NOT staying connected here, when I felt stuff like this, so... I just went ahead and posted here for support, cause I really was a crazy person today.

And there is so very much (now more THAN EVER) to be truly grateful for. My boyfriend is so so so good. His presence in my life is ... almost like a shock... With how much stability and groundedness and total kindness he brings into my life.

I am also no longer financially struggling, and thats really a shock.. I havent had ENOUGH (food, money, bills paid on time) in 5 years time. I now do, and I dont even know HOW to feel about it. Still getting used to it. Grateful, indeed, but its taking time to let the neural pathways created by years of stressing out every single month ... taking time for those pathways in my brain to unravel themselves to something more calm and normal.

Anyway... Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

I am in bed with netflix now. Not stressing... House is a mess. I will try again tomorrow. Boyfriend and I had a great bonding session before he went to work tonight and I read him some of these notes, and after reading them to him I think it sunk in a little deeper for him what it is I am dealing with. He was very supportive. We met years ago in group therapy, so we do have some great skills under our belt when it comes to being supportive through emotional issues with one another.

I will wake up tomorrow, hangover free. Thats THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Yes it is. <3

herculana

Oh, and YES... I want my housemate out, too. Believe me, I do. Its just the conversation that is looming which I am digging my heels in about.

I just cant feel peaceful yet about telling him he has 30 days. Trying to get to a centered place in my heart about it.

I might just have to bite the bullet and trust that I will do it to the best of my ability, because that peacefulness I am waiting for probably wont come.

Dee74

Be kind to yourself, I think.

They call it recovery for a reason - whether you believe in the disease theory or not, you're recovering from a mental physical and psychic onslaught of a recent relapse.

It's ok not to tick every box, it's ok to need some help, it's ok to ask for it, and it's ok to take it easy.

Stay sober, thats the only task you really need to commit to for now - 99.99% of everything else can be handled by someone else or can wait until later

D

herculana

Thanks Dee <3

Berrybean

Hope today / tomorrow will be a calmer one for you.

When I was in early days I was in a disgusting tip (from my life being unmanageable for so long). I couldn't clean the whole house at once. Could you just start with one room that can be your sanctuary instead of trying to do the whole thing at once. Yes, it is the alcoholic mindset to want to everything at once. Black and white thinking. Its either messy or clean and tidy. But the thing is recovery is about learning to change that thinking. Its that black and white thinking while living in a multicolor world that drives us crazy.
I found that once one room was nice (and even went and bought candles and a few bits for that room) it was a real incentive to work on the next. Then the next. It's been messy this long, so if you do a room at a time and spread the work out a little, then it's not a problem. Getting out of the house more could make quite a difference. Have you considered going to any meetings? The time and space they gave me (from my own house and head) was invaluable.

Re the flatmate, sure he sounds irritating, and is not serving your purposes right now. Giving tenants (flatmates) notice is not unkind, or unfair, as long as you do it in a kind and fair way. I think that if the main issue is that your boyfriend has moved in and you want privacy and no longer need the extra money, then that is perfectly reasonable. He might not like the idea, and that's understandable as it will mean the stress of finding somewhere to live. I don't think 'kincking out ' and 'pronto' sound like you were thinking along the fair and kind route last night, and it made you stressed. Believe me, not as stressed as you are likely to feel about yourself if you go down that 'kicking out' and 'pronto' route. We are very very good at shame, and if you don't do this the right way your conscience is likely to give you a hard time.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

D122y

Herc,

I relate. The addiction thrives in my emotions. I obsess and it reminds me of how I felt when I drank.

I defeat the obsessive feelings using tools I googled and through exercise.

It happens especially during my crave time, noon to 6 pm and during quiet times on the weekends.

Exercises that put a nice torture on me physically seem to bust the obsession the best. They also leave me w endorphins. Those are a natural high. I feel happy as a giggly 6 year old and it lasts for a long time.

Thanks.

kenton

Hi Herculana,

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I like to think of this quote by Francis of Assisi,

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible and suddenly you're doing the impossible."

Right now, staying sober is necessary. Deal with the cleaning when the cleaning feels possible. And remember, when we're all gone, future generations won't care or talk about how clean our homes were. They may talk about the awesome things we achieved because we were sober. Stay strong and focus on staying sober. Everything else will work itself out xxx

tomsteve

boundaries- great thing to learn about!
youre allowed to say NO,herc.
your allowed to tell ANYONE:"hey! im cleaning here- get your ass out!"
or
"you loaded up on crap,you get it upstairs. im busy."
the wording can vary.
if it hurts someone elses feelings, THAT is on them.

im reading something in your post rather common among alcoholics:
codependency.
some enabling there,too.
im glad your Bf is understanding whats going on with ya, but i hope ya dont have expectations of him changing for you.
but there ARE solutions!!!
glad i didnt have a lot of anger problems early on
when i was sleeping.
other than that time, just a bit here and there
every other minute it seemed like.

tell the flatmate tomsteve suggests using the mirror to pump his ego.

BrandNewLife

Yes, as tomsteve said, dealing with the codependency has been (and continues to be) a big struggle for me and I read it in your post too.

Just to offer some perspective (this helps me so forgive me if this seems harsh... gah there's my issues talking again lol) - all of your stresses are based on how OTHERS feel and what their needs are. But in reality, we have no control over the way others feel and it's not our responsibility.

I was discussing this with my therapist and said, "I'm just a giving person and I care about others and want to make sure I'm taking care of them and doing all I can to help." She said, "then who's taking care of you?? It's not SELFISH to make your needs known and to ask for time to yourself or say 'no' to a request; it's SELF-CARE." That's really stuck with me and made me re-evaluate a lot of situations.

Your BF doesn't "deserve" a clean house anymore than YOU deserve to feel peaceful and not overwhelmed.

Putting myself first has been integral in my recovery. I struggled with relapse after relapse until I started to finally understand what being "emotionally sober" meant. I never realized that sobriety is much more than just not drinking. It's understanding feelings and what they're telling me. I think feeling overwhelmed is our body's way of telling us that something's out of balance. There's a struggle in the mind with what our needs are vs the "need" to be liked or avoiding perveived conflict. The more I actually confront and resolve these situations in a way that brings me inner peace, the more my anxiety lessens.

Anyway, that rant was more for me to process my thoughts around my own codependancy, but maybe it'll be helpful

herculana

So I woke up today with really really painful menstrual cramps... The kind that makes you feel dizzy and literally sick.... Radiating from the abdomen out to your limbs and brain.

Thats not unusual for me when I am at this time of the month, but right now my coping mechanisms are not at their most stable or strong.

My boyfriend, who was an angel yesterday through my house cleaning drama, apparently woke up hours before me in one of his mental illness fogs (which have become FAR less frequent over the past two months with his new medications and therapy).

So now his mood has changed and he is doing what he typically does during one of his episodes, which is to BREAK UP with me (out of the blue) and also accuse me of things I am not doing (bizarre things that only paranoid disordered brains would imagine).

So, my dears, on day three I have my work cut out for me.

I am not buying into his drama (as best as I can do) and I know this delusionary state will pass in just a few hours. It historically always does, and all goes back to normal.

(No body is perfect, and I have a nice long history of dating men who were extremely manipulative and selfish (even narcissistic) massive mind game players... My current boyfriend, in contrast, has this ONE defect (a milder version of paranoid schizophrenia), and in every other aspect he is proving to be the kindest, most supportive, and most faithful of anyone Ive dated previously. He is my best friend, and my lover. I can deal with a brain disorder if it means i get to have all the wonderful rest of what I get with this man.)

But I promised Mom I would be there tonight and its very important to me that I be with her as I am concerned actually about her safety right now.

So the house is a STY, and with my cramps being this bad today I can barely fathom PACKING up my stuff, let alone cleaning .. And today at some point I have to tell my housemate he has a month to find another place to live.... and I guess I have to make some kind of peace within myself about ALL OF THIS.

So... Here is my prayer today: "Infinite spirit, reveal to me the way, let me know if there is
anything for me to do."

Supportive prayers welcome, I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants emotionally today.

Thanks <3