My Biggest Challenge
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Sobersville, USA
Posts: 159
My Biggest Challenge
I went through a trial by fire this past weekend.
I always went to these writer's conferences. Business deals were made, professional banter exchanged, all of that stuff. I've done them for ages, and many people there are my true family.
And, yes, a lot of drinking goes on at these things. A lot.
I've fallen off the wagon at them for the past three years. This time I had 9 1/2 months of sobriety behind me. I was scared, but I had to go. I can't let alcohol prevent me from the things I love. I don't want to let it beat everything I love down and out of my life.
I went with my fiancee, and I put the word out that this was to be my first sober weekend there. Everyone was understanding.
I went and it was hard. My God, how it was hard. Almost everyone was drinking, and greatly enjoying themselves. I was miserable, but determined.
I was there Thursday through Saturday nights, and at one point on Friday night I went to my room and I cried. I cried my stinking eyes out.
I know. I know I'm a million times better off. I know alcohol was ruining my life. Destroying my health. Making me incredibly unhappy.
But at the event? Those occasions are not my typical alone drinking. The sullen thoughts, the anger, the resentment. Those times were with people I love. Having fun and happy times. I cried for the death of those things.
I composed myself and went back downstairs. Shortly after a woman I know came up and said that she heard I had stopped drinking. She had a glass that I had assumed was a mixed drink, but was straight Pepsi. She told me that she had been sober for six years, and held her hand up for a high five, and said, "Solidarity". We discussed our experiences and I said that I had no idea she had stopped. She said that it was her own business and had kept it to herself and her closest friends. I explained that I announced it to help me get through the weekend, knowing I would be ashamed had I started imbibing. She smiled and said, "Whatever works".
Saturday morning around seven AM I was in the lobby, reading. An old buddy came by, coffee in hand, with bright and sober eyes. He and I had gotten monumentally drunk one evening a few years ago. We talked about our bad old drinking days, and about the friends we've lost due to the disease.
So many people told me how good I looked. How I had lost weight. How I was more energetic and vibrant.
And man, did I ever save some money by not having a bar tab!
My life is different. Part of me misses the old, but that is fading. I know in my heart and guts that I can't do it anymore.
In other words, I made it through the weekend without drinking. It was incredibly hard, but I am stronger now.
And now I am home with my beloved fiancee and my cat and my books. I look forward to peaceful nights of reading, loving, moonlight walks. Fall, my favorite time of year, is almost here, and I can't wait for the cool nights. The holidays, everything. I am going to enjoy it all...in sobriety and health.
I always went to these writer's conferences. Business deals were made, professional banter exchanged, all of that stuff. I've done them for ages, and many people there are my true family.
And, yes, a lot of drinking goes on at these things. A lot.
I've fallen off the wagon at them for the past three years. This time I had 9 1/2 months of sobriety behind me. I was scared, but I had to go. I can't let alcohol prevent me from the things I love. I don't want to let it beat everything I love down and out of my life.
I went with my fiancee, and I put the word out that this was to be my first sober weekend there. Everyone was understanding.
I went and it was hard. My God, how it was hard. Almost everyone was drinking, and greatly enjoying themselves. I was miserable, but determined.
I was there Thursday through Saturday nights, and at one point on Friday night I went to my room and I cried. I cried my stinking eyes out.
I know. I know I'm a million times better off. I know alcohol was ruining my life. Destroying my health. Making me incredibly unhappy.
But at the event? Those occasions are not my typical alone drinking. The sullen thoughts, the anger, the resentment. Those times were with people I love. Having fun and happy times. I cried for the death of those things.
I composed myself and went back downstairs. Shortly after a woman I know came up and said that she heard I had stopped drinking. She had a glass that I had assumed was a mixed drink, but was straight Pepsi. She told me that she had been sober for six years, and held her hand up for a high five, and said, "Solidarity". We discussed our experiences and I said that I had no idea she had stopped. She said that it was her own business and had kept it to herself and her closest friends. I explained that I announced it to help me get through the weekend, knowing I would be ashamed had I started imbibing. She smiled and said, "Whatever works".
Saturday morning around seven AM I was in the lobby, reading. An old buddy came by, coffee in hand, with bright and sober eyes. He and I had gotten monumentally drunk one evening a few years ago. We talked about our bad old drinking days, and about the friends we've lost due to the disease.
So many people told me how good I looked. How I had lost weight. How I was more energetic and vibrant.
And man, did I ever save some money by not having a bar tab!
My life is different. Part of me misses the old, but that is fading. I know in my heart and guts that I can't do it anymore.
In other words, I made it through the weekend without drinking. It was incredibly hard, but I am stronger now.
And now I am home with my beloved fiancee and my cat and my books. I look forward to peaceful nights of reading, loving, moonlight walks. Fall, my favorite time of year, is almost here, and I can't wait for the cool nights. The holidays, everything. I am going to enjoy it all...in sobriety and health.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Sobersville, USA
Posts: 159
No one said that the process was going to be easy. Everyone says that it will be rewarding, and they're right.
It's funny how sometimes things work out the way you need them to, ya know? My fiancee was busy with her family who were enjoying some of the area's local attractions, so I was on my own quite a lot last weekend. I needed those moments by myself to let out all the emotion and anguish. Then I needed that lovely lady to come up and give me strength after.
Next year I *will* be sober and it will be easier.
Thanks to everyone, and God bless.
It's funny how sometimes things work out the way you need them to, ya know? My fiancee was busy with her family who were enjoying some of the area's local attractions, so I was on my own quite a lot last weekend. I needed those moments by myself to let out all the emotion and anguish. Then I needed that lovely lady to come up and give me strength after.
Next year I *will* be sober and it will be easier.
Thanks to everyone, and God bless.
Reality...what a concept!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 1,232
Congratulations on completing your trip sober! I have 71 days and a similar trip coming up (software developers though - hard partying nerds - who knew??) I am taking the same route you did in telling ppl i wasn't drinking for accountability. Glad to hear it worked for you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 298
You said you went to your room to grieve the loss of drinking, and all the fun times you used to have. But I wanted to ask if you felt differently about that once you spoke to some sober colleagues? And if your thinking may have changed once you were in the lobby in the morning, sober, and not nursing a hangover?
I ask, because I was the same way...I was mourning the "loss" of what I perceived to be great fun. But eventually I learned that it wasn't the alcohol that made it fun, it was the friendship and comradery. The booze just warped my thinking into the perception of loss.
I ask, because I was the same way...I was mourning the "loss" of what I perceived to be great fun. But eventually I learned that it wasn't the alcohol that made it fun, it was the friendship and comradery. The booze just warped my thinking into the perception of loss.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Sobersville, USA
Posts: 159
I'd like to say that I no longer miss drinking, but that would not be entirely honest. Most of the time I don't miss it. It's rare that I get the urge to drink, but addiction is tricksy, like Tolkien's Ring.
It's the addiction trying to assert itself upon my will. Or my personal demons or whatever you choose to call it.
The words of encouragement I heard certainly helped, and when I make it through the night, I am so, so relieved that I didn't succumb the night before.
I'm less than a week from ten months of sobriety. I am fifty-six years old and I've been drunk for most of my life. From the start I told myself that it would be at least a year before I began seeing things with perspective. It may well take longer than that. That said, I am much happier and healthier than I was when I was getting drunk every single night.
Many times I wish I had never had a drink in my life. I've often wished I could party like a fratboy forever. The former is impossible and the latter is unthinkable. Simply put, I can no longer drink. Moderation has never worked. Nothing has worked but not taking that first drink.
I miss it now and then, but it's better than a few months ago when it didn't seem possible to get through a weekend without drinking. I'm gradually becoming sane, but decades-long habits die hard.
I'm not sure if I answered your questions properly, but that's what I've got right now.
It's the addiction trying to assert itself upon my will. Or my personal demons or whatever you choose to call it.
The words of encouragement I heard certainly helped, and when I make it through the night, I am so, so relieved that I didn't succumb the night before.
I'm less than a week from ten months of sobriety. I am fifty-six years old and I've been drunk for most of my life. From the start I told myself that it would be at least a year before I began seeing things with perspective. It may well take longer than that. That said, I am much happier and healthier than I was when I was getting drunk every single night.
Many times I wish I had never had a drink in my life. I've often wished I could party like a fratboy forever. The former is impossible and the latter is unthinkable. Simply put, I can no longer drink. Moderation has never worked. Nothing has worked but not taking that first drink.
I miss it now and then, but it's better than a few months ago when it didn't seem possible to get through a weekend without drinking. I'm gradually becoming sane, but decades-long habits die hard.
I'm not sure if I answered your questions properly, but that's what I've got right now.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
I really enjoyed reading this thread 
livinginhope
I am 58 and drank for the majority of my life, from the age of 16 or so. (that makes me go - WOW
) For me, it was a year plus before the cloud lifted, I gained some perspective and started to reap the benefits of living sober. I wouldn't want my old life back for anything now!
Easy? No. Worth it? So worth it!!!!!!!
livinginhope
I am 58 and drank for the majority of my life, from the age of 16 or so. (that makes me go - WOW
) For me, it was a year plus before the cloud lifted, I gained some perspective and started to reap the benefits of living sober. I wouldn't want my old life back for anything now! Easy? No. Worth it? So worth it!!!!!!!
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