Shame and Anxiety
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 8
Shame and Anxiety
After every relapse I'm hit with extreme shame, anxiety, and guilt over the things I do while drunk. These feelings lead to me drinking more, so it's a viscous cycle.
To those who are successful, how did you overcome these feelings?
I don't want to ignore my mistakes and I want to use it as a motivator towards being sober, but I also feel it doesn't help me to dwell on the bad in me.
To those who are successful, how did you overcome these feelings?
I don't want to ignore my mistakes and I want to use it as a motivator towards being sober, but I also feel it doesn't help me to dwell on the bad in me.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Nos4r2 
After every relapse I'm hit with extreme shame, anxiety, and guilt over the things I do while drunk.
Being angry at my addiction helped me refocus my emotions. My addiction was using my shame and guilt to get me to drink again. I 'got mad' at my addiction and resolved to deprive it of all the tools I could - including my guilt and shame. Being angry isn't a long-term solution for anything, but I found it to be a handy short-term solution.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
The same thing happened to me and it prevented me from stopping drinking sooner. You must take the leap of faith out of the cycle. Have faith that you can recover from the messes and move on and be the person you want to be. Believe in yourself and forgive yourself.
Gratitude Gardener
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
I know the feeling well, and certainly, most of us here do.
You're not going to learn how to love yourself and forgive yourself overnight, in fact, loving oneself will likely be a life-long journey. For almost every human being. Addict or not.
What I tell myself is that every single human I know has been a dick, or self centered, almost every person has been drunk at one point or another, every human being knows shame, every ADDICT (and you have at your finger tips here on this site thousands of us like yourself) has been through this horrific shame. You arent the only one by a LONG SHOT.
Try to give yourself a break for being a confused, wounded, human being. One who was trying to be happy but used the wrong means for it.
I feel SUICIDAL shame every single hangover I have had.
It helps me to remember that I am so not alone... That millions of human beings have been through that same hellish shame. And some of the ones who were able to make it out... Can even laugh about some of their pitiful behavior now that they are sober, laugh with other addicts.
Its not a laughing matter... But ... when you can get far enough away from it, and you have a family surrounding you of people who HAVE BEEN THERE, to that EXACT SAME PLACE... Sometimes they laugh together, partially because of the immense relief not to be there anymore.
But you have permission to LOVE yourself... To start to understand what loving yourself means. You can start today <3
You're not going to learn how to love yourself and forgive yourself overnight, in fact, loving oneself will likely be a life-long journey. For almost every human being. Addict or not.
What I tell myself is that every single human I know has been a dick, or self centered, almost every person has been drunk at one point or another, every human being knows shame, every ADDICT (and you have at your finger tips here on this site thousands of us like yourself) has been through this horrific shame. You arent the only one by a LONG SHOT.
Try to give yourself a break for being a confused, wounded, human being. One who was trying to be happy but used the wrong means for it.
I feel SUICIDAL shame every single hangover I have had.
It helps me to remember that I am so not alone... That millions of human beings have been through that same hellish shame. And some of the ones who were able to make it out... Can even laugh about some of their pitiful behavior now that they are sober, laugh with other addicts.
Its not a laughing matter... But ... when you can get far enough away from it, and you have a family surrounding you of people who HAVE BEEN THERE, to that EXACT SAME PLACE... Sometimes they laugh together, partially because of the immense relief not to be there anymore.
But you have permission to LOVE yourself... To start to understand what loving yourself means. You can start today <3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Nos4r2
After every relapse I'm hit with extreme shame, anxiety, and guilt over the things I do while drunk. These feelings lead to me drinking more, so it's a viscous cycle.
I had those feelings too, every time.
How did I overcome them?
By realizing that those feelings didn't lead me to drinking more, or to a vicious cycle.... I DID.
My feelings didn't pick up a bottle and make me drink again - I DID.
My feelings didn't hold a gun to my head and say "DRINK". My feelings didn't make the decision. I DID.
I overcame those feelings by making a new choice.
I chose sobriety..... and I acted in that direction and in support of that choice every day.
Those feelings no longer needed to be overcome because they went away.
I thought I drank because I was unhappy, anxious and ashamed.
Turns out - I was unhappy, anxious and ashamed because I drank.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
I had those feelings too, every time.
How did I overcome them?
By realizing that those feelings didn't lead me to drinking more, or to a vicious cycle.... I DID.
My feelings didn't pick up a bottle and make me drink again - I DID.
My feelings didn't hold a gun to my head and say "DRINK". My feelings didn't make the decision. I DID.
I overcame those feelings by making a new choice.
I chose sobriety..... and I acted in that direction and in support of that choice every day.
Those feelings no longer needed to be overcome because they went away.
I thought I drank because I was unhappy, anxious and ashamed.
Turns out - I was unhappy, anxious and ashamed because I drank.
How did I overcome them?
By realizing that those feelings didn't lead me to drinking more, or to a vicious cycle.... I DID.
My feelings didn't pick up a bottle and make me drink again - I DID.
My feelings didn't hold a gun to my head and say "DRINK". My feelings didn't make the decision. I DID.
I overcame those feelings by making a new choice.
I chose sobriety..... and I acted in that direction and in support of that choice every day.
Those feelings no longer needed to be overcome because they went away.
I thought I drank because I was unhappy, anxious and ashamed.
Turns out - I was unhappy, anxious and ashamed because I drank.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
[QUOTE=Nos4r2;6548582]After every relapse I'm hit with extreme shame, anxiety, and guilt over the things I do while drunk. These feelings lead to me drinking more, so it's a viscous cycle.
To those who are successful, how did you overcome these feelings?
I'm not sure I have overcome them, but I am happy that there will be no further events like that happening in my life as a result of my drinking ever, ever, ever again!
Yes it is a vicious cycle and you have to break it, otherwise this will continue for years and years.
If you need to deal with past drunken behaviours perhaps think about spending time getting your mind healthy than spending time drinking. Even spend your money on your mind rather than spending it on drink.
Believe me, the pay off is worth it.
To those who are successful, how did you overcome these feelings?
I'm not sure I have overcome them, but I am happy that there will be no further events like that happening in my life as a result of my drinking ever, ever, ever again!
Yes it is a vicious cycle and you have to break it, otherwise this will continue for years and years.
If you need to deal with past drunken behaviours perhaps think about spending time getting your mind healthy than spending time drinking. Even spend your money on your mind rather than spending it on drink.
Believe me, the pay off is worth it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
The key for me was willing myself to feel the feelings and not panicking and trying to scrub them out with booze.
Booze never worked - a few hours later the same feelings come back but worse.
If you can face your shame, regret and guilt, with the help of the support here - every day gets a little better...you'll find you concentrate more and more on the present and less and less on the past.
The past, no matter if we regret it or not, is gone. There's nothing we can do about it.
But today? it's a blank canvas
D
Booze never worked - a few hours later the same feelings come back but worse.
If you can face your shame, regret and guilt, with the help of the support here - every day gets a little better...you'll find you concentrate more and more on the present and less and less on the past.
The past, no matter if we regret it or not, is gone. There's nothing we can do about it.
But today? it's a blank canvas
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,557
Welcome Nos! Great to have you with us.
Yes, the remorse, guilt, & regrets kept me drinking long after I knew I had to stop. I couldn't face my own destructive and reckless behavior. That's when SR really helped me - talking things over here was key. I knew I'd never have to feel alone again. No one in my life understood what I was going through - but my friends here did. I found the courage I needed to be kind and patient with myself. I was finally able to get free. You can too.
Yes, the remorse, guilt, & regrets kept me drinking long after I knew I had to stop. I couldn't face my own destructive and reckless behavior. That's when SR really helped me - talking things over here was key. I knew I'd never have to feel alone again. No one in my life understood what I was going through - but my friends here did. I found the courage I needed to be kind and patient with myself. I was finally able to get free. You can too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Guilt, shame, remorse are all signposts that on some level, I lack acceptance. Acceptance is not about liking, disliking, condoning, condemning, etc.
True acceptance is free from any value judgements. It is an honest appraisal and acknowledgment of something, exactly as it is. I can not change the past.
I should be better than that. I know better than that. That isn't the real me. etc. etc.
The fact is...in the past, yes I did, or was, whatever caused me to have those feelings. I have to accept that, in order to be free.
I do not have to repeat whatever I did, or was, in the past. The choice is mine.
True acceptance is free from any value judgements. It is an honest appraisal and acknowledgment of something, exactly as it is. I can not change the past.
I should be better than that. I know better than that. That isn't the real me. etc. etc.
The fact is...in the past, yes I did, or was, whatever caused me to have those feelings. I have to accept that, in order to be free.
I do not have to repeat whatever I did, or was, in the past. The choice is mine.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
I still sometimes get caught up thinking about the time I wasted drinking, or sbout some of the decisions I made while drunk. I try not to dwell, and focus on the now, and the choices I have made in sobriety. I also know that getting sober takes grit, and that is something to be proud of.
I really have found mindfulness very helpful to overcoming some of Those feelings, and to remain centered on the present, there are some great apps: omvana, and insight timer are two that I keep on my phone and use.
Focus on today, and the positive choices you are going to make!
You can do this!
I really have found mindfulness very helpful to overcoming some of Those feelings, and to remain centered on the present, there are some great apps: omvana, and insight timer are two that I keep on my phone and use.
Focus on today, and the positive choices you are going to make!
You can do this!
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