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Heartbroken and betrayed. Advice appreciated.

Old 07-19-2017, 06:53 PM
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Heartbroken and betrayed. Advice appreciated.

Hi all, nice to meet you guys. Hope everyone is doing well.

My ex girlfriend and I were together for 4 years. We were a team and best friends. It was the healthiest relationship I have ever been in or so I believed. I have never been as happy. I also became her manager a year into our relationship and we had each other's back in every way. It was magical and I would have bet everything on us going the distance. I liked her as well as loved her and enjoyed her company immensely. When you know, you know and I truly knew!!

A year or so into our relationship she got blackout drunk and I didn't know she had a drinking problem. She was violent, abusive and really uncharacteristically mean.

When she woke up the next day, I told her I was not going to be in this type of relationship again as my ex wife was abusive and had a drinking problem too. I meant it and even though I loved her I had worked on self love and self respect to have walked away. She cried hard and had remorse and regret and I believed her when she said it would not happen again and she would monitor her drinking and limit herself to two glasses. She was great for 6 months then it happened again. By this time I was more in love with her than ever and had entered a codependency cycle. I am honest and observant enough to have recognized that but also realized that other than these black out episodes we never argued and always had light fun and laughter and love. It was a tricky codependency because it didn't interfere with our lives negatively.
After 4-5 more blackout which got progressively worse over the next 2 years, she acknowledged she had a drinking problem and told me she would give up completely and go to AA.
Throughout this time she never gave up smoking weed. I frowned upon it but was mindful not to be controlling so I just advised her that there may well be an issue if she needs weed everyday but she paid no mind to that.
Just this year I we returned from Coachella and when we got back home she was starting ridiculous arguments with me and being aggressive and crying and acting completely unreasonable. I knew I was in for the usual cycle for the next 24-36 hrs of fighting, verbal abuse, violence, sleep, remorse, crying and forgiveness. Though I handled each episode much more lovingly and reacted far less, her episodes got progressively worse and more extreme. On this occasion she cut herself really deeply after spraining her wrist by punching my head and threatening to call the cops on me for her injured wrist, which of course made no sense.
I finally told her, the next day, after getting her medical attention etc that she had to go to rehab. I had been saving up for a ring to marry her but this was more important. I loved her and didn't want her to end up killing herself during a blackout. She reluctantly agreed.
On the drive there we both cried and she was so scared that it was very hard for me not to turn the car around and go back home as she asked repeatedly. I went through with it as I felt hopes and I loved her so much I didn't want her to go through this anymore and of course I didn't want this anymore. The blackouts had become unbearable and more frequent now happening every 2-3 months.
She asked me if I would wait for her for the 30 days and promise I wouldn't leave her. I told her I am committed to her and will do whatever it takes to get her healthy.
She called me in the morning and evening and was very sweet and I would tell her how proud of her I am and be as supportive as possible without ever expressing how hard this all was for me. I wanted her to get well and come home to the loving home filled with amazing memories we shared together. I wanted to marry her and of course wanted her to get well enough so that one day we could have children together.
One day, after a week in rehab she turned on me and became cold and distant on the phone. She was very angry but didn't seem to know why. They diagnosed her with paranoid personality disorder and put her on a cocktail of meds. I was pretty confused but went to visit her for a session with her and her assigned therapist. When I got into the office I totally felt ambushed. She started attacking me and the therapist told me that this was clearly a codependent, abusive relationship and I enabled her.
I was shocked that my girl betrayed me by whatever she had made up to make the therapist think this. Codependent? Yes, I will accept that there was some codependency there but abusive??? I held her in the highest regard and didn't verbally abuse her, never mind physically. I am a trained fighter and would never ever hit a woman no matter what. Even when I retrained her in the midst of her violent tantrums I was very gentle with her.
Anyway, it was all downhill from there. I defended myself and my girl got more and more angry. Next week same type of thing and the last week, on her birthday she told me "I am not in love with you anymore".
I was crushed and in shock. We were always in love and everyone of our friends wanted our relationship. It was the truest love I ever experienced. How could someone who was so loving and warm suddenly become so distant? What was the reason? I know I was not the best husband to my ex wife but to this girl, I gave her all of me. I was very loving, sweet, loyal and took care of her in so many ways. I put her before me which I had never done before. We were happy most of the time and made incredible, beautiful memories the two of us, my daughter (When she would visit) and our dogs.
She told me she was going to sober living and had gotten a 1 year scholarship there. She wanted time to grow and heal from childhood traumas and fix her drinking and weed problem etc. I asked if she meant she wanted me to wait for her and she said no. She said when i'm done we will see what happens but for now I have to focus on recovery and myself.
I was very hurt and of course I am an alpha male so my ego kicked in and I told her well i'm not going to just wait around and see what happens.
She came to move her stuff out a few weeks ago and she broke down and had the shakes. I went to her and hugged her. The hug felt like our connection and love never left. It was real all along and energy can't hide that. Her monitor who was with her refused to give us a minute in private to talk but my ex insisted and finally she begrudgingly gave us some space.
We had a very sweet chat and it felt like there was hope after all.

Saw her a week later for lunch at our house and she was cold and mechanical. I didn't push as I didn't want to make her feel pressured or uncomfortable but she was not the same person as the week prior.

Then there was a week of silence and I saw on her instagram she was out on a date with this trust fund baby (50 year old) she had met in rehab. I was so hurt, I called her and asked WTH?? She told me it's not my business and basically that was that. She blocked my 12 year old that she had an amazing relationship with too on Instagram.

She couldn't give me a real reason of why she was not in love with me or what I had done to be treated this way.

I will say that she is very committed to her sobriety but I don't recognize who she is. She was not this cold unfeeling person capable of such cruelty. We had a very sweet and loving, supportive bond. It felt real. Was I delusional?? So confused and hurt.

She won't pee without her therapist's permission and I must move on or I will die from the pain of this but I just want to understand...how is it possible for a person to change that much that quickly? Is this the real her? Was I fooled? Please let me know your thoughts and thank you for reading.
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Old 07-19-2017, 07:02 PM
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Hi and welcome DupedBoy,
I'm sorry for what brings you here but this is a place of great support.

I can;t explain what happened - we might all share a common problem but not all addicts or alcoholic are exactly alike.

I know it's painful (and bizarre) but the bottom line is for better or worse she's made this choice.

It doesn't sound like there's much left in this relationship for you as it stands.

I think you definitely deserve better and I really hope you find it.

D
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Old 07-19-2017, 07:20 PM
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Duped boy, try posting this thread over on the Friends and Family forum here:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You will get a lot of responses from people who have been in similar situations as you.
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Old 07-19-2017, 09:34 PM
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Thank you guys so very much. Just posted there and hopefully will get some insight. Cheers.
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Old 07-20-2017, 09:27 AM
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Hey Duped --

You sound like a very good and caring person.

I feel for you and know you will get through this!

I KNOW you will get past this.
Old words.. "time heals" .

-MR
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Old 07-20-2017, 10:36 AM
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Sounds like she had some demons she finally faced sober. And she is putting her years of substance abuse in the past. Also sounds like she is blaming you in part for things. Nothing you can do. Good people get hurt when involved with addicts. Our heads can be crazy both on the substance, and especially for a while after we get off.

I would move on if I were you. She may come around after a while. But don't wait for that
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Old 07-20-2017, 11:24 AM
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I am sorry for what brings you here. The pain of loving an alcoholic/addict can be devastating. I've gone through the heartache of having someone I love tell me they no longer love me.

Sometimes there are no answers to why.

You won't realize it now, probably not for months or even years. But you just had an abusive, pot smoking alcoholic with paranoid personality disorder break up with you.

You will thank your lucky stars one day.
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Old 07-20-2017, 12:26 PM
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The wounds are fresh and I'm sure the emotional pain is very high right now. I would say many people (if not most) have had their heart smashed into pieces at one point or another. You'll get past this in due time. To answer your question, you weren't fooled, the situation changed and thus the relationship changed. She's got some sorting out to do anyway.
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Old 07-20-2017, 05:25 PM
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I'm sorry that your heart is so hurt. I can relate, but be careful to manage the hurt in healthy ways. I chose to medicate heavily with alcohol. It extended the healing process by a couple years. I don't know if it will ever "make sense", but you have a daughter so focus on being an awesome Dad. Even though your heart hurts, you are still needed and loved. I wouldn't chase your girlfriend, that too only adds time to the healing. She has made her statement.
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Old 07-20-2017, 05:45 PM
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In all seriousness

run, don't walk

(and do some research into Borderline Personality Disorder)

If you want to be driven to the gates of Hell and beyond

marry one.

I did.

I DON'T
recommend it.
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Old 07-20-2017, 05:51 PM
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She isn't magically healed. The new guy is not getting this awesome prize that is now fixed, and you do not get. You put in the work, and now she goes on. That is probably how it feels. She is not fixed, their relationship will not be awesome, and you must move on. Go no contact at once. Change your number. You do not want her in your life though I know you really think you do. You dodged a bullet my friend. Girls are like buses, there is always another coming up the street. Find the one for you, she was not it. Sorry
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Old 07-20-2017, 05:55 PM
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You deserve better. Let her move on, and you move on with your life. There's no understanding it, just getting over it.
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Old 07-20-2017, 05:57 PM
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"Go no contact at once. Change your number. You do not want her in your life"

!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-20-2017, 06:16 PM
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I can tell that you had a passionate relationship with this woman, but I could not help but focus on the part where she physically abused you and (could have) almost ruined your reputation by calling the police on you, though you did not do anything wrong. Maybe she was afraid of who she becomes around you (not your fault) and therefore needed to start anew. Whether you are sober or not, maybe she felt that she couldn't remain sober and in a healing state in the relationship - maybe even too much damage has been done. It hurts a lot when relationships end, but more self-love and distance will make you see that it was for the best.
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Old 07-20-2017, 06:18 PM
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I am truly grateful for the support and advice. Thank you very much guys. I really want to heal and be a better me so I can ensure not to attract or be attracted to this type of painful situation again. I got complacent with my own inner work while I was with her and i'm stepping it into overdrive now. Man! it sucks to be hurt like this doesn't it? I understand how people can go nuts over this type of stuff.
I know my priority is my kid so I will do whatever it takes to sort my head out and I gotta tell you she is so smart, sweet, compassionate and fun that just thinking about her makes me smile. (My kid that is)

Anyway thanks again and lots of love to you all.
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Old 07-20-2017, 06:21 PM
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The type of person you've described is only happy, relieved of their own inner agony, when they are destroying another.

Don't be that other.
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Old 07-20-2017, 06:32 PM
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Yes, it hurts a lot. Hugs to you!
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Old 07-20-2017, 07:29 PM
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Duped, thanks for sharing. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain. I can't tell you what to do, as I don't even know what I would do in that situation - can't possibly know what you're going through as I'm not going through it myself. But it does sound like your ex-gf has some drug and alcohol issues that may be complicating things and changing her personality/who she was before.

I think maybe, at this point anyways, you should just give her space and hopefully she will work on her drug and alcohol dependency problems and mental health. It's amazing how helpful a few sessions with a good therapist can be. But that is not something that will solve a problem right away. It's going to take time. And you have to decide if you are willing to wait for her to heal - if she works toward it at all, sincerely. Especially if she is going out with other people.

I would just give it a lot of reflection and go with what your gut tells you is the right thing to do. Good luck.
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Old 07-20-2017, 08:16 PM
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you are free, disconnect your social media accounts from her / block etc... be thankful you got free without losing everything, or getting physically hurt, or having her put you in jail for some kind of crazy accusations. She has proven she will turn on you in a blink for no apparent reason, dude you could end up in jail, run, block, be thankful if you can.
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Old 07-20-2017, 10:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Bob4x4 View Post
you are free, disconnect your social media accounts from her / block etc... be thankful you got free without losing everything, or getting physically hurt, or having her put you in jail for some kind of crazy accusations. She has proven she will turn on you in a blink for no apparent reason, dude you could end up in jail, run, block, be thankful if you can.
Thanks man, I will get there where I can have authentic gratitude for this experience. I had four mostly very happy years of loving someone and being loved so I can't regret that part but I know that there is nothing more I could have done to make this last and perhaps it was a blessing to be saved from what the future could have held for me had we stayed together. I blocked her from everything and stopped stalking her social media. I will heal from this whatever it takes. Thank you!
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