No where near a Newcomer..
 

Where do I start?

I happened to see the other day, I joined this site 5 years ago. I'm sure back then, I wanted to quit just as much as I do right now. I'm 100% sure I had that exact feeling, out of the thousand times I've been drunk since then... Here I am again writing the desperate cry for help.

I just cant quit.. It's been and I'm embarrassed to say, going to be the 18th year I have drank insane amounts. I cant say exactly what my week to week average is over the 18 years.

My parents told me I was allergic to alcohol since I was 14. We were in Puerto Vallarta on our first family trip to Mexico, I brought my best friend.. I had been to parties as a teen, but never drank "knowing" I was alergic, due to what my parents said "Having menengitis as a 1 1/2 year old and almost dying. Well, my friends always said it was BS, but I never drank. Here in Puerto Vallarta the tradition is to take a shot before anything you do. I told my Dad, I can't and I was so worried about it.. He had this smirk on his face, and I could tell he was hiding something...

Sure enough, he told me I was always able to drink, but they didnt want me drinking because of the alcoholism that runs in my family.. So I proceeded to get wasted in Mexico that night. It was the funnest time of my life, I felt like I was invincible, I'm a good looking guy, but I am shy. Not that night, and I was like wow alcohol makes me the star of the party.

Skip forward 6 yeas, I am getting a divorce after only 8 months of marriage.. Skip forward a few years and I am breaking up with my fiance because of a crazy night that landed me in jail.

Go sober which was court ordered, 1 year and when I tested clean they took me off UA, back to drinking and I have ever since. 35 1/2 years old today and I drink every 3 days on average, if not 2 days, I drink 8-18 drinks, beer is what I drink.

I have GI issues like crazy! I went to the ER at least 6 times last year, thinking I was having a heart attack.. It wasn't, it was Acid reflux and GERD caused by drinking... I had Gastritis for 8 months as well.. I always was prone to anxiety attacks, well I have one most times I am hungover or I wake up at 4am, with such bad gas and just feeling like i am going to die.. then I finally get back to sleep, I wake up feeling better but still hungover and by 12 pm I feel somewhat ok, so I drink again.

I am a full time student, I went back to school last year. I am not working though, and I hold a 3.0 gpa but I spent days off from school drinking, then I crunch to get my school work done.. fast forward to now, I have been off all summer and everyday is an opportunity to drink, I try to fight it.. I get so bored and the days I force my self to be sober are the most boring days of my life.. I don't know what to do with myself all day, I want to jump out of my skin.. the days i convince myself to drink are better, the hours go by quickly and I keep myself busy with drinking and video games, it makes me feel like I have a propose for the day.

My parents are losing their minds, my current girlfriend is too.. they love me, they stick with me over and over.. I let them down over and over. I am 35 almost 36 and I really want to quit, I battle myself more than ever, I just can't overcome that drunk voice in my head that convinces me to drink.. I can go 2 weeks (at most!) but I cave..

Also, I went to Mexico with my current gf last march.. I did so good, I only drank 4 drinks per day and I didn't want to have any more because I wanted to feel good out there and enjoy everyday.. Why can I pass on an all inclusive open bar out there and can't pass on spending tons of money and drinking so much at home here?

"I just cant quit.."

You can.

Alcoholism has a solution, if you apply it.

Have you considered escalation of the battle of will to surrender? Once I did that, things began to change. There was hope I found but it wasn't simply try harder. It was working a program with others who had been on the journey.

If I haven't driven to Idaho I need a map and directions. I can't will myself to get to there.

I was about your age when I 'realized' I had a problem(I'm a few years older). I came here a couple years later looking for help...I didn't listen. You can see my history on here and see where continuing to drink took me. Get it together as soon as you can,man. It really is better.

Hi Spybee - I'm glad you joined us.

I wish I'd quit in my 30's - my life would have been so different. Instead, I insisted I could control it & I was never able to. One drink led to 10, every time. It's good you're taking action now - you'll never suffer the way many of us have. Welcome! :)

Welcome, Spybee. So glad you posted. You've been lurking here for years knowing you need to make a change. Now that you've introduced yourself, this can be the time you turn the corner. Life can be so much better.

Just think, you joined here when you were about 30. What if you had made changes then, instead of now? How different might your life be? As someone about 20 years older, I urge you to not waste any more years.

You are still young enough that making a change now could have a huge impact on the next few decades. I don't want to sound too harsh, but in a way it seems like alcohol may have frozen you in that time in Mexico when you first drank as a teenager. Maybe you've given it enough years of your life, and it's time to let it go.

As simple as it sounds, you can "choose" to be a non-drinker, and improve your life, rather than keep on drinking, and not change anything. Don't buy it. Don't have it around you. Don't put it to your lips, one day at a time.

I found that the longer I drank, the smaller my life became. You said that a day spent playing videogames and drinking made you feel like your day "had purpose". You deserve more.

Look around here, post and ask for help. This is a wonderful place, with people who can support you to make a change for good!

Welcome back spybee :)

what kind of things have you tried in the past to help you stay quit besides willpower and a little SR?

D

I tried AA a few times.. It didn't last, I do have social anxiety, so it sounds great when I'm wasted, but the next day I just don't want to see or talk to anyone.

I have lurked around here on and off, since then.. but way more, recently. I knew I was young at 30, now 5 1/2 years later, I know i am still young, but 5 years drinking heavily, I don't feel young at all..

You're right, I am "frozen" back in that time.. I look back in the past everyday and wish I could go back. A lot of times I want to go back to know I can drink for another 10 years. A day spent playing video games is my greatest propose.. Yeah I see the problem with that. I am a full time student and I've somehow held a 3.5 gpa, I somehow (as a long time alcoholic) look like I'm at most 25, so all the kids in my class freak out when I tell them I'm 35. I just lnow that it won't be the case if I keep drinking, I am a hypochondriac and I have anxiety attacks, even when I wasn't drinking. So maybe I drink to ease that as well? I don't have them when I am drunk, I have them the day after.

I don't want to waste anymore years.

How is it better exactly? I hear everyone say that, so I don't doubt it at all.. I just want to know how is it better?

For me, it is way better because I have so much energy. I am not suicidal. No more G.I. issues, no shame, no guilt, no dissapointment in myself let alone from others. I am so focused, I feel like I have an unfair advantage at work vs. everyone else. More money, more self-pride, just so much better.

It's better in many ways:

For one, the physical improvments. No more hangovers, no more day after anxiety or shame for drunk actions. Most people don't take care of their bodies well when drinking a lot either, so you can expect to lose weight, improve your complexion, get better sleep, the list long

The mental is probably my favorite benefit. Alcohol is a depressant so it slows you down mentally. It literally changed your brain chemistry. It sucks your ambition and drive away and eventually becomes all consuming. Getting sober lets your mind start working again, and also allows you to work on other issues that you might be trying to avoid fixing, For me it was anxiety...alcohol made it worse eventually and I was stuck in a horrible cycle of needing to drink just to make it through the day.

There's really nothing that ISNT Better for me after I quit. It takes time and a lot of work, and it is not easy. But it's worth it many times over in the long run.

There are online meetings widely avaiable now - might be worth a try?

D