Any single parents out there?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Any single parents out there?
I'm 45 years old and have 2 girls aged 15 and 9. If I'm being honest (which I must do here) I've drank alcoholically all their lives albeit mostly behind the cloak of my bedroom door. But they knew. They've been through so much. Divorce from their dad. A DUI which lost me my license for 3 years. Meeting a partner who was a binge drinker and tragically died suddenly one night from it. The list goes on. But through it all we love eachother so much and have a bond of togetherness. They are my world.
I am now sober for 91 days. I am utterly committed to sobriety and have a strong level of acceptance that I can never drink again. I really don't want to either.
But I tell you what I'm really struggling on the parenting side. I know I can't undo the past but mourning the childhood my girls could have had still causes me pain. I try to keep my mind in the present and for the most I do manage that.
And then there's my relationship with my eldest. She's 15 so it's always going to be tricky. But what I'm noticing is that she speaks to me like I'm a piece of dirt. She expects to be bought things which quite frankly I can't afford. She expects to have the casting vote in all decisions......holidays, days out, choice of meals...... She is also very disrespectful at school and I've had 2 letters to that effect from school. So many things have contributed to this and I have overcompensated her out of guilt for YEARS.
What I'm struggling with is that what I know deep down would be a good strategy (boundaries, rules and consistency) I simply don't feel capable of. Still emotionally all over the place and underlying depression rearing its ugly head.
My girls both deserve the best version of me I can be. Sobriety is the only way I can be that but God real life with real children for this sober alcoholic is tough!
I'd be grateful if anyone else out there could perhaps share their experience.
Jo xxx
I am now sober for 91 days. I am utterly committed to sobriety and have a strong level of acceptance that I can never drink again. I really don't want to either.
But I tell you what I'm really struggling on the parenting side. I know I can't undo the past but mourning the childhood my girls could have had still causes me pain. I try to keep my mind in the present and for the most I do manage that.
And then there's my relationship with my eldest. She's 15 so it's always going to be tricky. But what I'm noticing is that she speaks to me like I'm a piece of dirt. She expects to be bought things which quite frankly I can't afford. She expects to have the casting vote in all decisions......holidays, days out, choice of meals...... She is also very disrespectful at school and I've had 2 letters to that effect from school. So many things have contributed to this and I have overcompensated her out of guilt for YEARS.
What I'm struggling with is that what I know deep down would be a good strategy (boundaries, rules and consistency) I simply don't feel capable of. Still emotionally all over the place and underlying depression rearing its ugly head.
My girls both deserve the best version of me I can be. Sobriety is the only way I can be that but God real life with real children for this sober alcoholic is tough!
I'd be grateful if anyone else out there could perhaps share their experience.
Jo xxx
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 285
Originally Posted by joandmelandhan 
But what I'm noticing is that she speaks to me like I'm a piece of dirt. She expects to be bought things which quite frankly I can't afford. She expects to have the casting vote in all decisions......holidays, days out, choice of meals...... She is also very disrespectful at school and I've had 2 letters to that effect from school. So many things have contributed to this and I have overcompensated her out of guilt for YEARS.
Jo xxx
Jo xxx
Welcome to SR! I am 47 and my kids are 22 and 16. I know how tricky a teenage girl is to raise. I know you probably feel so much guilt that you let her get away with bad behavior because you don't feel like you deserve to discipline her because of your past drinking.
But you know what I'm going to say, right? You HAVE to. Especially because of any guilt you may feel over her childhood. You cannot change what you did or neglected to do before. However, if you add serving your own guilt over what you know that child needs now that you are sober - that's going to be tough for you to rationalize later.
We don't discipline children because we are better than they are. We do it because it's our job and they end up as jerks if we don't. It's a really crap part of parenthood, especially when they think they have one over on you.
I didn't have the same issues regarding drinking with my daughter, but she was VERY angry with her dad and I for getting a divorce and she thought she could treat us however she wanted to because of it. Luckily, her dad and I had a very amicable divorce and worked together to keep her from manipulating us.
I highly recommend therapy for YOU with someone who specializes in family counseling. You can do this and a counselor can give you concrete tools so that you don't try to do some sort of wishy washy parenting and continue to allow her to abuse you and others.
You are doing such a great thing getting sober! I know you can step up and be strong with your daughter too. Someday she will be grateful you did.
Best of luck and keep posting! Nice to hear from someone else in a similar spot in life as I am.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 975
Yes, I have 16 year old twins. This is especially a tough age. You cannot erase the past, the only thing you can do is do right by them going forward.
I too know that my two have been harsh (rightfully so) and when I was drinking I felt tremendous guilt in even thinking that I could discipline them.
Congrats on 90+ days! I too am divorced and have virtually NO help from their dad. I hope that my two appreciate the strength it took to get out of that relationship and be a single mom on my own. I also had a DUI and it was devastating on them and myself. Mainly because we live in a small town and it was on the radio station, in the papers etc.
I too know that my two have been harsh (rightfully so) and when I was drinking I felt tremendous guilt in even thinking that I could discipline them.
Congrats on 90+ days! I too am divorced and have virtually NO help from their dad. I hope that my two appreciate the strength it took to get out of that relationship and be a single mom on my own. I also had a DUI and it was devastating on them and myself. Mainly because we live in a small town and it was on the radio station, in the papers etc.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Originally Posted by joandmelandhan
I'm 45 years old and have 2 girls aged 15 and 9. If I'm being honest (which I must do here) I've drank alcoholically all their lives albeit mostly behind the cloak of my bedroom door. But they knew. They've been through so much. Divorce from their dad. A DUI which lost me my license for 3 years. Meeting a partner who was a binge drinker and tragically died suddenly one night from it. The list goes on. But through it all we love eachother so much and have a bond of togetherness. They are my world.
I am now sober for 91 days. I am utterly committed to sobriety and have a strong level of acceptance that I can never drink again. I really don't want to either.
But I tell you what I'm really struggling on the parenting side. I know I can't undo the past but mourning the childhood my girls could have had still causes me pain. I try to keep my mind in the present and for the most I do manage that.
And then there's my relationship with my eldest. She's 15 so it's always going to be tricky. But what I'm noticing is that she speaks to me like I'm a piece of dirt. She expects to be bought things which quite frankly I can't afford. She expects to have the casting vote in all decisions......holidays, days out, choice of meals...... She is also very disrespectful at school and I've had 2 letters to that effect from school. So many things have contributed to this and I have overcompensated her out of guilt for YEARS.
What I'm struggling with is that what I know deep down would be a good strategy (boundaries, rules and consistency) I simply don't feel capable of. Still emotionally all over the place and underlying depression rearing its ugly head.
My girls both deserve the best version of me I can be. Sobriety is the only way I can be that but God real life with real children for this sober alcoholic is tough!
I'd be grateful if anyone else out there could perhaps share their experience.
Jo xxx
I am now sober for 91 days. I am utterly committed to sobriety and have a strong level of acceptance that I can never drink again. I really don't want to either.
But I tell you what I'm really struggling on the parenting side. I know I can't undo the past but mourning the childhood my girls could have had still causes me pain. I try to keep my mind in the present and for the most I do manage that.
And then there's my relationship with my eldest. She's 15 so it's always going to be tricky. But what I'm noticing is that she speaks to me like I'm a piece of dirt. She expects to be bought things which quite frankly I can't afford. She expects to have the casting vote in all decisions......holidays, days out, choice of meals...... She is also very disrespectful at school and I've had 2 letters to that effect from school. So many things have contributed to this and I have overcompensated her out of guilt for YEARS.
What I'm struggling with is that what I know deep down would be a good strategy (boundaries, rules and consistency) I simply don't feel capable of. Still emotionally all over the place and underlying depression rearing its ugly head.
My girls both deserve the best version of me I can be. Sobriety is the only way I can be that but God real life with real children for this sober alcoholic is tough!
I'd be grateful if anyone else out there could perhaps share their experience.
Jo xxx
Dear Jo,
I'm not a single parent, but I am a mom, and I have (had) three teen-agers, so I get where you are coming from! You have my sympathy! I know how much conflict with your kids can hurt.
One thing I'd say, is that you could be having these exact same issues with your 15 year old even if you hadn't ever been a drinker, even if you hadn't been divorced, even if everything was "perfect". Parenting is always complicated, and when you get one phase figured out, the kids have moved on to the next one! A parent can do everything "right" and still have challenges.
You said you know deep down what a good strategy would be -- boundaries, rules, consistency -- but don't feel capable of implementing them. I understand that guilt is part of it.. but what's done is done, and you are still her parent. All you and she can do is move forward from here. Kids are incredibly resilient and respond best I've found to strength and honesty from their parents.
She is not an adult; you are responsible for her welfare. Life outside of home is also full of boundaries and expectations. Have you considered having a sitdown heart to heart conversation with her? She's old enough now, and you two have been through so much, that it really may be what you both need. Tell her you know she's been through a lot, that she may be hurting, but that you are on her side and want to be the best mom you can be. You can own up to past mistakes, but tell her a page has been turned and that you and she need to get back on a better track.
She knows about your progress on being healthier and not drinking, right? Be open with her. Acknowledge past mistakes. But make clear that you are still the parent, you need to set boundaries and have expectations, for her sake as well as yours.
She needs to be respectful to you .. as well as to her teachers and other adults at school. That's just part of life. She is not an adult; you are responsible for her welfare. Life outside of home is also full of rules. You will be doing her a disservice if you don't call her out on rude or bad behavior.
I think the advice above about seeing a family counselor is a great idea. You could go with both your kids.
Is there a counselor or vice principal at school you could meet with to see if you can get more clarity on what's going on with her? She might be struggling with things that you have completely missed... Kids that age can be very good at hiding anxieties, issues and personal struggles. She may even be hiding them to protect you.. She knows you have your issues; she might not want to burden you. Let her know you are the adult.. that you can handle whatever it is, and that you want to help her.
This is actually a time of hope. You still have time with them at home, to repair past hurts and develop a stronger bond before they go out on their own.
Hang in there!
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Jo, I'm not a single parent but was a military wife for 22 years so did a lot of parenting on my own. First of all, 91 days sober is terrific. I began drinking when my daughter was 16 and my son 18. I think the tough teenage years with my kids took a toll. I totally understand the guilt. I still have to spend time working on forgiving myself, even after all these years, but for the most part, I accept that I am human and imperfect. I often repeat Maya Angelou's words, "I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better" That's really all we can do. Be patient with your 15 yr old, but I agree that counselling, maybe family counselling would be beneficial.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Single father of 22yr old daughter. Her mother was never around and I spoiled her to the best of my ability(and that was a lot!)..She still resents me for my drinking during her childhood but, it has gotten better since I've been sober(Hell..who can blame her?!). She now comes to me with life questions like work,relationships,ect..It takes time to rebuild a bridge you took time to tear down is the way I'm approaching it. Obviously your kids are younger but, I went through the same thing with my daughter at 15. She was acting out in school,got arrested,doing drugs,cutting,ect..She HATED me and was showing it! Once I saw the cuts on her arm I wanted to put a gun in my mouth! She still has her resentments but, I let her come to me..By NO means do I let her cross my boundaries but, my staying sober has changed the blance of how we speak to each other. She knows I'm "trying" now and it's obvious..This helps me in my recovery. Do not wait as long as I did to start rebuilding those bridges. Wishing you the best.
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Originally Posted by joandmelandhan
I'm 45 years old and have 2 girls aged 15 and 9. If I'm being honest (which I must do here) I've drank alcoholically all their lives albeit mostly behind the cloak of my bedroom door. But they knew. They've been through so much. Divorce from their dad. A DUI which lost me my license for 3 years. Meeting a partner who was a binge drinker and tragically died suddenly one night from it. The list goes on. But through it all we love eachother so much and have a bond of togetherness. They are my world.
I am now sober for 91 days. I am utterly committed to sobriety and have a strong level of acceptance that I can never drink again. I really don't want to either.
But I tell you what I'm really struggling on the parenting side. I know I can't undo the past but mourning the childhood my girls could have had still causes me pain. I try to keep my mind in the present and for the most I do manage that.
And then there's my relationship with my eldest. She's 15 so it's always going to be tricky. But what I'm noticing is that she speaks to me like I'm a piece of dirt. She expects to be bought things which quite frankly I can't afford. She expects to have the casting vote in all decisions......holidays, days out, choice of meals...... She is also very disrespectful at school and I've had 2 letters to that effect from school. So many things have contributed to this and I have overcompensated her out of guilt for YEARS.
What I'm struggling with is that what I know deep down would be a good strategy (boundaries, rules and consistency) I simply don't feel capable of. Still emotionally all over the place and underlying depression rearing its ugly head.
My girls both deserve the best version of me I can be. Sobriety is the only way I can be that but God real life with real children for this sober alcoholic is tough!
I'd be grateful if anyone else out there could perhaps share their experience.
Jo xxx
I am now sober for 91 days. I am utterly committed to sobriety and have a strong level of acceptance that I can never drink again. I really don't want to either.
But I tell you what I'm really struggling on the parenting side. I know I can't undo the past but mourning the childhood my girls could have had still causes me pain. I try to keep my mind in the present and for the most I do manage that.
And then there's my relationship with my eldest. She's 15 so it's always going to be tricky. But what I'm noticing is that she speaks to me like I'm a piece of dirt. She expects to be bought things which quite frankly I can't afford. She expects to have the casting vote in all decisions......holidays, days out, choice of meals...... She is also very disrespectful at school and I've had 2 letters to that effect from school. So many things have contributed to this and I have overcompensated her out of guilt for YEARS.
What I'm struggling with is that what I know deep down would be a good strategy (boundaries, rules and consistency) I simply don't feel capable of. Still emotionally all over the place and underlying depression rearing its ugly head.
My girls both deserve the best version of me I can be. Sobriety is the only way I can be that but God real life with real children for this sober alcoholic is tough!
I'd be grateful if anyone else out there could perhaps share their experience.
Jo xxx
You are doing great , I have 3 boys and 3 girls, my boy and girl from my first marriage plus I adopted one went she cheated on me, they saw everything I have custody of the two that where my biological with all that I did they forgive me, yes sometimes I feel guilty and ashamed but I let it go because is nothing I can do.
my other kids one is from my first marriage the boy want for me to be his dad and I accept it , my two young ones are from my second marriage they all saw me drunk at the end they new that I did drugs too. Boundaries is what it work for me now with them, let them be their own person and pray to God to guide them.
They all accept my amends, but I still do living amends on a daily basics.
One day at the time it will get better,but sobriety got to be for me not them.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Had a much better week this week in terms of parenting. Twice had to be very firm with eldest daughter and I stuck to my guns. One involved her doing chores to get spending money (I normally cave). She tried her best to negotiate the actual job to be done but I had named the job so had to stand firm. The second involved making her go to her dads tonight when her social plans didn't go as she said they would. I even called him to come get her. I never do that. It's his night to have them so perfectly reasonable but usually I wimp out and keep her here. I do now obviously feel guilty. She's not used to this but I know in the long run it's the best way to be. Baby steps I know but I am trying to do a better job by them.
Off to try and relax now I'm a bit stressy after all of that! Lemon squash and a chocolate bar it is then!
Off to try and relax now I'm a bit stressy after all of that! Lemon squash and a chocolate bar it is then!
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Jo I don't have any sage advice to give you since I don't have kids. What I do have is personal of experience of actually BEING a bratty 15 year old girl many years ago and, woooo-weeee, I somehow survived to tell about it (my poor mom!). I hope you find the answers you are looking for - there is a ton of great advice in this thread.
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