Neighbor and pool situation
Meraviglioso = This is perfect!
I would also lock any gates joining the properties.
This is a huge liability issue!
I would also lock any gates joining the properties.
This is a huge liability issue!
I learned something once, probably from my mom, she's the best, if you have to say something bad or difficult, say 3 things nice first.
So: "I really like that our pool is a nice place for your kids to play, I am happy they enjoy it so much, it's nice to have neighbors that are also friends, that said, I need to ask that you cut back on your use of the pool.
I have found it to be really distracting to my work which I didn't realise when I opened the invite and I also would appreciate being able to enjoy the pool privately just myself and my husband.
Going forward please ask me in advance if you would like to use the pool for a quick dip.
I also have to ask you not to use the pool at all if I am not at home, it is a liability issue and my insurance company won't cover me should anything happen, I can't risk that, and it is not a good idea for you either."
So: "I really like that our pool is a nice place for your kids to play, I am happy they enjoy it so much, it's nice to have neighbors that are also friends, that said, I need to ask that you cut back on your use of the pool.
I have found it to be really distracting to my work which I didn't realise when I opened the invite and I also would appreciate being able to enjoy the pool privately just myself and my husband.
Going forward please ask me in advance if you would like to use the pool for a quick dip.
I also have to ask you not to use the pool at all if I am not at home, it is a liability issue and my insurance company won't cover me should anything happen, I can't risk that, and it is not a good idea for you either."
Let us know how things work out, sunshine. I hope it's not too much bother to deal with this.
I know some of us have a tendency to build things up in our heads, especially when we are prone to letting our anger and resentments get the best of AND fresh in recovery. I for one have trouble with over extending myself too, getting massively annoyed and then getting angry and running these scenarios through my head of things turning into a big conflict, with anger and hurt feelings and lost friendships ensuing.
Generally, I like what Mera said, if we approach things with kindness, and honesty, things are not so bad as we feel they might end up being.
I am afraid of conflict and something like this would eat me up too and it would take me a long time to deal with this, if I did at all.
I'm slowly learning to take a deep breath, run through my head what I want to say, and facing the issue head on and trying to drop my shoulders so I don't come across defensive.
You are allowed to set and reset your boundaries. I look at situations like these as a good test to grow my honest and confident muscles I used to once have but destroyed with my drinking.
I wish you well and hope and would bet it's easily resolved
Del
I know some of us have a tendency to build things up in our heads, especially when we are prone to letting our anger and resentments get the best of AND fresh in recovery. I for one have trouble with over extending myself too, getting massively annoyed and then getting angry and running these scenarios through my head of things turning into a big conflict, with anger and hurt feelings and lost friendships ensuing.
Generally, I like what Mera said, if we approach things with kindness, and honesty, things are not so bad as we feel they might end up being.
I am afraid of conflict and something like this would eat me up too and it would take me a long time to deal with this, if I did at all.
I'm slowly learning to take a deep breath, run through my head what I want to say, and facing the issue head on and trying to drop my shoulders so I don't come across defensive.
You are allowed to set and reset your boundaries. I look at situations like these as a good test to grow my honest and confident muscles I used to once have but destroyed with my drinking.
I wish you well and hope and would bet it's easily resolved
Del
We just inspected our fence entryways, we are going to buy locks today as well as general 'No Trespassing' signs. Good to have those in general to apply to the whole neighborhood, as we need to Cover our Arses... if some kids sneak in then we can say we clearly had signage.
Meraviglioso: This is the exact approach I plan to take. There are so many red flags here I'm sure they will understand and we can go on being friends and neighbors. If not, that's on them. I'm not willing to go on like this any longer. Our homes should be our safe place. Our sanctuary. Where we can hide from the world. Unfortunately I created this situation and now I get to fix it.
Meraviglioso: This is the exact approach I plan to take. There are so many red flags here I'm sure they will understand and we can go on being friends and neighbors. If not, that's on them. I'm not willing to go on like this any longer. Our homes should be our safe place. Our sanctuary. Where we can hide from the world. Unfortunately I created this situation and now I get to fix it.
Eeeeeek! My mind went immediately to liability (whether you are home or not). You are allowed to change your mind and rescind the offer. Case closed. Let us know how it goes- I'm curious as to your neighbors' reactions. Some may be put off, others will likely be understanding.
So how'd it go Sunshine? I hope it wasn't too bad and that your anxiety has died down.
I read a kind of silly blog thing today on FB talking about what women need to do more of. But it had some important points that we all know but need to remember. They are also good tips for men, not sure why it was only directed at women. Two of the points that made me think of you were Start saying "no" when we need to. And the other was Stop apologising for everything. No need to apologise about needing your own space and wanting to use your own pool privately. It is also ok to say no.
Thinking of you.
I read a kind of silly blog thing today on FB talking about what women need to do more of. But it had some important points that we all know but need to remember. They are also good tips for men, not sure why it was only directed at women. Two of the points that made me think of you were Start saying "no" when we need to. And the other was Stop apologising for everything. No need to apologise about needing your own space and wanting to use your own pool privately. It is also ok to say no.
Thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Hey, just be honest, every day visits weren't what you had in mind, you were just trying to be nice and neighborly. This is taking advantage. It is not a community pool. You call and ask first, every time. That's being nice and neighborly.
And absolutely speak up about the roach and not wanting your son to be exposed to that.
I know you're afraid that if you ask them to cut down on stopping over and to call first that they will stop coming all together and become standoffish and this is probably true. People are just like that, no matter how nice you are.
And absolutely speak up about the roach and not wanting your son to be exposed to that.
I know you're afraid that if you ask them to cut down on stopping over and to call first that they will stop coming all together and become standoffish and this is probably true. People are just like that, no matter how nice you are.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Hey everyone. Unfortunately I have not seen any of them. I'm totally ready to approach the situation and I'm definitely using the 3 positives and then the bad-news approach from Mera. That approach will help me with all kinds of situations in life and help me to not be confrontational sounding or too blunt. I was thinking about sending them all a text but I think that given the delicate situation of being a neighbor that it Would-be best to be in person so that my body-language can signal that I'm not angry I'm just concerned and have a right to want my privacy and hopefully they will understand. Also I was angry I was completely livid when I found that they were all using my pool in my absence without my permission. I'm glad I had a chance to cool-down from that but it's good that that happened because that will be my sounding board to approach the whole situation.
Ugh, that is annoying you haven't seen them, I'm sure you want to get this done and overwith. But it is good you have had time to cool down. I do think you are wise to speak to them about it face to face. A text can come across wrong, you can't convey tone of voice, body language as you mention. Yes, definitely a conversation to be had in person. Good luck, I hope you see them soon so you can move forward.
I hope it goes well when you do talk to them. That kind of potential conflict gives me anxiety just reading about it. But everyone is right - it needs to be addressed, for many reasons. Most people are pretty reasonable when presented with a well thought-out speech - I think it will be fine. And if anyone feels hurt - so be it. It's your house - your rules. Maybe you could set up a time once a week when you'll be home for people to come over for an hour or two? Or not. I don't think I'd even do that, at least not now. Maybe in the future. Good luck!
Huge liability issue. You can't have people over there unattended. Your homeowners insurer would have a coronary about this. I'm echoing what everyone above this post is saying: break the news to them that your insurance is hanging by a thread and you just can't have open pool any more. Sorry, folks, the pool is closed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
I would also tell them you checked insurance and you can't live with the premium or the anxiety. God forbid, and all that.
outonthetiles brings up an excellent point that you could use in your "Sorry, open season on my pool is OVER" talk. you could stretch the truth a squoosh and say that your insurance agent has advised you that you MUST secure your pool area at all time in order to keep your homeowner's in effect - nothing personal, just business.
do you have one of them mechanized rolly covers too?
do you have one of them mechanized rolly covers too?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)