CricketMac08

Looking for advice on why my husband came home from Inpatient rehab wanting space and indicates that it is our relationship that causes his stress to drink. We have had a great life up until 2 years when he started drinking again. He was sober for 9 years and started again. I am trying to give him space but he is so cold and is completely ignoring me. He moved out prior to going to rehab after being hurtful and plain mean to me....but this actually saved his life--2 weeks his parents realized (after enabling and ignoring my pleas for help for 2 years). He got so drunk and messed up living on his own that his parents were taking care of him. He checked into IP rehab and now this....his parents refuse to even talk to me now.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation CricketMac but I know you'll find support here - welcome to SR

I blamed a lot of people too over the years but the truth was noone made me drink but me.

Please don't take the blame for this.

D

Fly N Buy

We don't make others drink and can't keep em sober. Find a way for you to heal - al-anon has helped many.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum CricketMac!!

Gottalife

He might drink because of his reaction to your relationship in a sense. My drinking was largely due to my inability to get along in the real world, which was in turn due to my alcoholism.

While my alcoholism was untreated I behaved and reacted in all kinds of selfish ways, trying to put the blame on any convenient excuse. When I was dry, I was restless , irritable and discontent, which is all about blaming whatever is going on in life for my misery. Drinking was the solution, the people round me, often the excuse. And there was not one thing they could do about it, other than kick me out of their lives, which, one by one, they all did.

Alcoholism effects many people around the alcoholic, especially his family. They sound pretty sick to me. Even if they are not alcoholic, mothers can be very difficult for their son's partners to deal with. That is why there are so many mother in law jokes. If I had come home with a princess, she still would not have been good enough for my mother, who has been rude to every woman I ever introduced her to.

It is all part of the illness I have come to know as alcoholism. The best thing I can suggest is to get some help for yourself. None of this is your fault, but that doesn't mean it hasn't affected you. Maybe Alanon or a therapist would be a good place to start.

CricketMac08

Thank you so much for replying. I am an emotional wreck. I am going back to the beginning with an Al-non by going to a newbie meeting. I attended a few mtgs but didn't feel comfortable. I have two to counselors who gave me advice that backfired when I tried it. I am going to one now that is focused on only helping me to learn CBT and mediation as a stress reliever. I also exercise and do yoga. But I have lost 55 pounds in a 2 1/2 month span and I am so distressed. I just do not want to eat or do anything. My friends are worried about me but I am not about to hurt myself....I am just plain hurting.

He has moved out. I wrote him a letter letting him know that I am still committed to our relationship and that I love him. But that I was not going to contact him until he contacts me in order to give him space. I have no idea what he learned in rehab except for him coming home saying that family life stresses him out. I am at a loss since he is avoiding me .

CricketMac08

Is this a normal reaction from rehab. Do they tell them to leave their families and/or spouses? And do many of these people end up divorced. Just wondering what I am headed into next.......

Carpathia

Hi Cricket, welcome.

I don't believe any person would tell your husband to leave his spouse/family. If anything, what he'll be shown is how to be responsible to self and others. No one but himself and you can speak to the health and commitment of your partnership.

least

I have never heard of a rehab telling a patient to leave his or her family/spouse, unless it was an abusive relationship. As to the "stress" "making" him drink - BS! No one can 'make' someone else drink. He is playing the classic alcoholic blame game, where it's always someone else's fault. Don't buy it.

I hope you find some support at AlAnon. I know you'll find support here.

CricketMac08

Thanks. We were the best of buddies until he started hiding his drinking. I think he is avoiding me because I make him accountable and he can have his cake and eat it too at his place. His parents treat him like he is a baby and even told me that I needed to make sure he eats a good breakfast before work so he won't be tempted. Seriously?!!?

teatreeoil007

Oh dear, hon. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It just plain hurts sometimes, doesn't it?!? Sending you a big hug. I started going to Al Anon a couple of years ago and it literally changed my life. My biggest issue is co-dependency and I feel like a life long co-dependent and recovering co-dependent. Yes, a lot of folks like to say "it drove me to drink" or "my marriage problems drove me to drink" or it's the job or raising kids or whatever might come along in life...stress....anything could potentially "drive a person to drink". But, one of the very first lessons someone in recovery needs to learn is that life happens and excuses can always be made to drink, but that is simply not the answer. Period. He can blame you all he wants. You never ever forced him to put a bottle to his lips and swallow it down.

CricketMac08

I just wish he came back from that fancy rehab that he went to with a change in his thinking. My heart is breaking but I am still married-- no divorce papers have been served to me.....and I am not paying for the divorce! I am praying he will continue his outpatient treatment and realize what he has done. If not, I will have to figure out a way to move on. Just not sure how right now.

teatreeoil007

I don't know of any treatment program that just outright tells addicts to leave their families and spouses. That is a big momentous decision that should only be arrived at with time and great care if at all.

teatreeoil007

Sounds like there are other issues going too. A grown man being treated like a baby? Okay, that would get old. If they want to treat him like a baby, then they can and no one may ever change that. But that doesn't mean you have to treat him like a baby. There's nothing wrong with fixing breakfast for someone. That's not the issue. I don't know, maybe he wants to be treated like a baby. But it sounds like you are not into that and that won't work for you.

CricketMac08

Realized during these past 2 years that it was his mom who is the codependent and both parents are his enablers. He needs to cut the cord and grow up. He is not Peter Pan. He has a wife and kids that love him. And he is only worried about himself.

teatreeoil007

I'm sorry you're going through this and feeling this way.

Well, it sounds like he needs to grow up. And, maybe you've been hoping he would grow up and he hasn't really and his parents aren't helping.

Peter Pan? Yes, wouldn't it be nice if we could all be like Peter Pan and go from one adventure to the next and just be free spirited children forever; never grow old, [but also never grow up?] But, at whose expense? Yours? Problem is that's not very satisfying for you as a wife and it gets lonely feeling like you are the adult all/most of the time.

Good news is he was sober for 9 years? That shows he's capable of it. Do you know what triggered this relapse? Changes? Mid life crisis? Job loss? Depression?

MythOfSisyphus

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Cricket. It's complicated and scary for a drunk to get sober. That is not an excuse for him, not at all. But he's trying to figure out who and what he is now. And he's dealing with the shame and pain of all he's put his loved ones through.

It's hard to do I know but you have to let him figure it out on his own, to a degree at least. Let him know where you stand and that you're here when he's ready.

But be ready to live your life. Don't be a hostage to his journey to sobriety. You and he might have a great life together eventually. But you may not. Protect yourself and your family.

We're here for you, Cricket! You may also want to check into Al-anon.

I'm glad you found us here at SR.

FeelingGreat

Hi Cricket, you've had some great responses here, but if you post in the Family & Friends of Alcoholics you'll find many more.

It's not unusual for newly sober people to come out of rehab questioning their relationships. It can be hard to figure out life without the alcoholic haze to protect you. He may emerge from the haze eventually, or he might be unable to mature enough to see how he's hurting his family. Plan a good life for you and the children, independent of his journey (I know it hurts).

There is a chance he's met someone else in rehab. I don't want to distress you but it happens when people get thrown together in an intimate atmosphere. Might be worth asking.

Berrybean

Thing is, he doesn't NEED to. Not while he has codependent enablers there to support him, and is still so in denial about his alcoholism that he is able to rationalise his drinking. It must hurt to have his parents blaming you, but no doubt over time they will see through his gas-lighting and lies (even if he remains incaple of change and getting honest with himself). People tend to believe what they want to believe, and no doubt he's putting a spin on things that gives them some hope for his recovery. Ie that you were the problem. That problem is removed. The problem is solved. Thing is, the problem is not solved and this will, in time, become evident to them. You know the truth. You did NOT cause this.

He sounds fairly typical of someone in the very early stages of sobriety (still resisting step 1 by the sounds of things) and blaming his drinking on people and things, without recognising that the problem is alcoholism, which is basically a compulsive response to uncomfortable and difficult bits of life, using alcohol like snake oil - a completely ineffective long term solution for any problem (but one that offers immediate relief and escape). It's one things to stop drinking (that can be done short term), but recovery is another thing altogether - an altered perspective tends to take time. Hopefully he will continue with his recovery work and get to that stage, but many don't. I was sober and blaming everything and everyone for my problems for a good 6 months before I got desperate enough to concede that the problem was likely in ME. And that MY thinking was the thing that needed to change. Once I got onto this things got better fairly quickly.

Wishing you all the best for your own recovery from these experiences to date. Hopefully you can focus on building a good support network separate to your relationship with him and find some peace.

BB