OverItInSTL

Warning to all: I'm a wordy mo-fo, and this is my "issues with booze coming out party". If long reads aren't your thing I fully understand.

Current Situation - Health:

• 42 years old as of this Sunday
• 5'9" - small boned - 262lbs. grossly overweight.
• Acid Reflux
• Bilary reflux from the drinking
• High Blood Pressure
• Constant "sunburn face"
• resting BPM usually between 90-120
• Once perfect teeth starting to chip and fail
• Extreme fatigue
• Face and neck so unreasonably bloated I get double takes
• Swollen ankles and fingers
• I used to be a good looking guy. I'm not a big eater so it's not a "put down the fork" kind of situation. Stress, alcohol calories, and late night eating have ballooned me up 112 pounds over what I weighed a decade ago.

Just spent 10 mins. photoshopping a dramatic before after but can't post images until 15 posts.

Current Situation - Life:

• Family history of alcoholism. Grandparents, skipped my parents, nailed me.
• Single Dad w/ primary custody for 10 of my Daughter's 12 years
• Living with and supporting parents who lost everything to Cancer recovery costs and insurance. I.E. - supporting Daughter and 2 adult parents
• Freelance Web & Graphic Design - can be hit or miss
• No current health insurace
• Bad credit & No savings. Paycheck to paycheck squeaking by but daughter not wanting for anything

Plan of attack:

• I'm 6 days into a gradual taper down and have been successful each night thus far. Each day I wake up about 1/2 an hour sooner and feeling good right out of the gates. Brain fog is disappearing. Mood is elevating daily. That has been the motivation to not backslide.

I imagine that last part is triggering the rolling of some eyes so I hope this isn't a judgemental issue with any. I've within the last year had a friend die on day 3 of a cold turkey quit due to beginning with bad DT's and ending in a massive stroke and heart attack. My Daughter is my world and I refuse to leave her this early in life knowing the internal struggles she deals with from her Mom never really being an active part of her life. They see each other 2-4 days a month on average.

I have a pint bottle marked going from the bottom up with dates...aiming for the last date to be in about a week. As I said, I've kept my promise to myself each night and absolutely am determined to stay strong and see this through. I suppose I should give my drinking history.

Goodie, another list!

• Zero interest in drinking all through my early 20's. High school parties and college keggers and drinking games...I'd dump my beer in the toilet and fill it with water in the bathroom sink to "hang"
• Around the age of 24, high school sweetheart of almost 8 years started cheating, dumped me...married and pregnant inside of a year. I turned to social drinking to dull the pain
• I've played in bands from age 15 - 9 months ago. Access to liquor, free even has always been prevalent. Either bar staff or patrons bringing up shots for the band.
• Married at 28. New Dad at 29. Went south quickly, divorced by 32. Social drinking became at home, drinking alone in large quantities. Bottle hiding started around here because family was always over and didn't want them or my toddler seeing recycle bins full of "empties".
• Evicted from rental home at 33 due to landlord driving rent up so his sons family could move in. Moved back with parents bringing my daughter and taking over their bills as well as mine
• 9 years later, here I am. Secret drinking after hours alone on another floor of the house...still hiding bottles for the same obvious reasons.
• Poison of choice, cheap Vodka chased swig for swig with soda over the course of 3-4 hours. Up to 1 1/2 pints per night give or take here and there.

You're probably scratching your head at some things. For one - I can hide it from my Daughter so well because I've been there for her every special occasion like a good father should. I'm also damn near the only Dad who volunteers for school functions because I've made her my reason to live amongst the ****** hands dealt in the last decade or so. Not patting myself on the back...my point is, she thinks I hung the moon and can do no wrong. Also - I've always told her "Daddy's self employed in a creative profession. Us creative types are night owls and do our best work then." As shameful as it is to type this....that's why she's never questioned why some days I won't crawl out of bed until noon, sometimes later.

BUT...we've made plans to open an ice cream parlor in our home town with a realistic goal of late 2018. I never thought it'd come to fruition. Just a fun experience at daydreaming at it and enjoying the process together and spending hours together in the kitchen making off the wall concoctions and sharing them on social media.

Our idea took off. We registered the domain, started a crowdfunding campaign to put us into test kitchen mode, and one year later we have approaching 7 thousand total followers on social media, legitimate ones at that, that are hounding us to finally open.

For the following reasons; my health, this dream of ours, and a middle finger in the air at everyone saying I'll never sell a pint, I'm done. I'm ready to taper as responsibly as I can as quickly and safely as I can...and be done. My baby girl is my everything and more important than even starting this adventure and succeeding with her, is not rotting my insides and leaving her with nothing but a brief 12 years of memories.

So wish me luck!

A few notes / favors to ask:
With all due respect as a newb around here, humbly, my mind is made up about the taper down process so I'm not really entertaining any discussion of doing this otherwise.
Also, lack of insurance and personal reasons from other parents finding out and thinking their child is not safe around me - to wanting to get approved to open a food business make rehab and meetings not an option right now. Nothing stays a secret these days. I assure you if I fail in this - I WILL explore those as options, future business and reputation be damned. Until then and for now - I'm not up for debate on those things. It's appreciated in advance.

THANKS FOR READING MY MINI-NOVEL!

Dee74

Hi OveritinSTL - welcome

Yeah I'm not a fan of tapering - I think seeing a Dr is preferable every time and I reserve the right to say that here as someone whose last detox went very badly...but I understand you're gonna do what you're doing.

I only suggest you don't draw it out too much - the object is to get down to nothing and stay there.

6 days in is a fair taper. Don't let your addicted self drag this on for too much longer.

Your future plans sound great - all the best.

D

OverItInSTL

Thanks for understanding and thanks for the welcome. I'm determined and will give updates!

babyedwards

My ocd and attention to detail loves how this post is written. It makes me happy. I am into my 6th year of heavy drinking. I too am going with the tapering route. With my anxiety i feel it's best for me. I'm taking it a little at a time. Looking forward to reading of your progress!

OverItInSTL

Thanks! I'm a graphic designer and also a list oriented personality type. Ask me to do a handful of things and I'll procrastinate half and forget the other half.

Print me out or text me a bullet list of to-do's and I make sheet happen.

CaptainHaddock

Hi OverItInSTL, welcome and please keep us updated on your progress. I'm on day 8 now and it started with a taper lasting 2 days. I agree that you should speak to a doctor if you have any concerns, but my personal experience showed me that I should try to get to zero as quickly as possible. Once I felt comfortable, I cut the taper short.

mayeve

If it works for you, then that's great.
I could never do a taper because I can't just have a drink or two. I have to drink until I"feel" it. And beyond.

FreeOwl

tapering didn't work for me.

anyway - WELCOME ABOARD!!!

Sobriety is a gift and a choice that will change your life in nothing but good ways.

Ironhorse1

Tapering has worked for me, but it's exhausting. I found having a taper schedule (ie. 10 am, 2pm, 6pm, 10pm) and pre-rationing my servings to be helpful. Without the schedule and the rations I would drink more often or a larger amount. Believe me...the faster you can get done with the taper, the better. Once your down to 2 or 3 drinks a day it is easier mentally to stop. I had a small supply of Ativan on hand as a backup after the taper ended in case things too uncomfortable.

Bobbieka

Welcome, OveritinStL.

I could never have tapered. I'd still be drinking. Whatever it takes to get you there. Sounds like you are determined. I wish you luck and welcome again to SR!

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, OverItInSTL; very glad you found us.

As always, Dee's response is spot-on.

I, personally, did not and could not have tapered successfully. I hope that your taper continues very successfully. Even though I did not taper, our goals were/are the same - sobriety and recovery.

I applaud your decision to achieve sobriety and recovery. I believe that you will find that it is an exponentially better to live.

OverItInSTL

Sorry I haven't replied in a bit but the news is good. My taper has only a few days left in it. I can safely say two milestones as of last night / today are conquered. No more vodka, last night was the last sip, and I've just returned from making my last liquor purchase hopefully ever. A 12 pack of lite beer. 6 / 4 / 2 and then.....done and onto day one.

I'm feeling better by far, relatives who know I had been struggling told me face face bloat and medicine ball pregnancy belly has lessened noticeably. I've been waking up fresh faced and alert between 6-9am at the latest....vast improvement to rolling out of bed miserable after noon. My appetite has increased (used to eat twice a day and feel like I was going to pop halfway through dinner, and bilary reflux has lessened significantly.

All of these improvements came within two weeks of my starting point which was just shy or two entire pints of Vodka almost nightly for a long time now.

I'm not missing it or the pattern. When I take my last sip for the night I have no desire to eek out a few more sips and make up the difference the next day because the urge to do so is squashed by knowing how great I feel each day.

All I can say is it's working. I know many don't agree with tapering and I appreciate your viewpoint. All I can say is I'm having success.

I will anxiously update at the end of "Day 1".

Thanks for the encouragement!

DesertTraveler

Thanks for joining SR. You'll find a lot of support here. Good luck with the tapering and you should feel really good about making the decision to stop drinking. It will absolutely improve your health and your focus with the new business!

fervorII

Wow, you are getting some decent sleep.

Nobody here will encourage you on the tapering, and probably for good reason, but we all have to do this however we can. I've tried tapering and had some success, but as long as you allow having a drink to be a possibility you will not likely ever overcome it.

I like that you have a plan, and you know yourself so hopefully you know if you will be able to do it. If it fails, will you go cold turkey?

You're doing well and I encourage you to keep on trucking to your goal. Withdrawal by tapering should be less awful.