Nightmares
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 90
Nightmares
Hi All,
Yesterday marked 5 weeks of sobriety for me. I am happy to say that although I have had to work through cravings, I am reinforced with every day by the enhancement of life free from the drawbacks of alcohol.
However, I have started having nightmares, the last 3 nights in a row now, where I have fallen off the wagon and behave disgracefully or hurt people or act in a nasty and embrassing manner. I have been waking up from restless sleep with the horrible feeling of dread and guilt and shame, before I realise it was just a dream.
I feel as though my conscience is reliving the guilt and shame of past transgressions. When I have quit alcohol in the past, the guilt of previous benders and behaviours have plagued me and in a way I think that I feel I need to punish myself, and that I don't deserve to move on and forget these occurrences, and ultimately this guilt and the inability to move on from it has lead me back to alcohol as a coping mechanism.
I am determined not to allow this to happen this time around. I know that I need to make my peace with my guilt and move past it by focusing on not regressing.
Has anyone else experienced this?
Yesterday marked 5 weeks of sobriety for me. I am happy to say that although I have had to work through cravings, I am reinforced with every day by the enhancement of life free from the drawbacks of alcohol.
However, I have started having nightmares, the last 3 nights in a row now, where I have fallen off the wagon and behave disgracefully or hurt people or act in a nasty and embrassing manner. I have been waking up from restless sleep with the horrible feeling of dread and guilt and shame, before I realise it was just a dream.
I feel as though my conscience is reliving the guilt and shame of past transgressions. When I have quit alcohol in the past, the guilt of previous benders and behaviours have plagued me and in a way I think that I feel I need to punish myself, and that I don't deserve to move on and forget these occurrences, and ultimately this guilt and the inability to move on from it has lead me back to alcohol as a coping mechanism.
I am determined not to allow this to happen this time around. I know that I need to make my peace with my guilt and move past it by focusing on not regressing.
Has anyone else experienced this?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 73
Yup, I'm at 5 months and I still have them - had one a few days ago. For me I don't think it's guilt - it's just my brain still processing what it means being sober, what would happen if I didn't take this path etc. While the dreams are unpleasant, I'm kind of grateful for them - it's completely impossible to convince myself that I'm 'normal' and can go back to drinking 'in moderation' as long as I have them - normals don't dream like that!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The drinking dreams were something I had, and I always thought of them as encouraging like an indication that I was really serious about stopping drinking.
The skeletons in the closet were a different matter. I had a bundle of memories that literally had the power to pull me backwards into drinking again. I could not carry such a load for long without the tension becoming too much for me. This is common in alcoholics of my type and for me to survive I had to face the issue squarely, the last thing I wanted to do.
AA experience was the same as mine. As long as we tried to keep these secrets bottled up, we were in danger. We had to be entirely honest with some one, trusted friend, priest, therapist, if we wanted to live happily in this world.
It is not possible to suppress these memories successfully. They are like an axe waiting to fall. They must be dealt with once and for all. That was my experience, and getting it all out was such a huge relief, I am sure it saved my life,
The skeletons in the closet were a different matter. I had a bundle of memories that literally had the power to pull me backwards into drinking again. I could not carry such a load for long without the tension becoming too much for me. This is common in alcoholics of my type and for me to survive I had to face the issue squarely, the last thing I wanted to do.
AA experience was the same as mine. As long as we tried to keep these secrets bottled up, we were in danger. We had to be entirely honest with some one, trusted friend, priest, therapist, if we wanted to live happily in this world.
It is not possible to suppress these memories successfully. They are like an axe waiting to fall. They must be dealt with once and for all. That was my experience, and getting it all out was such a huge relief, I am sure it saved my life,
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I think nearly everyone has had them at one time or another.
Personally I didn't attach much meaning to them - drinking was something I did for a long time and it seems natural to me that little fragments of memory will be reassembled in different ways in my subconscious.
I used to dream of high school a lot too - but I never want to go back there
D
Personally I didn't attach much meaning to them - drinking was something I did for a long time and it seems natural to me that little fragments of memory will be reassembled in different ways in my subconscious.
I used to dream of high school a lot too - but I never want to go back there
D
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 90
Thank you for your comments. Yes, I have to admit the dreams are definitely serving as a great deterrent from relapse, that's for sure!
Perhaps the dreams are symptomatic of my determination to stay sober this time, and my simultaneous fear of relapse.
Perhaps the dreams are symptomatic of my determination to stay sober this time, and my simultaneous fear of relapse.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
YES- ALL THE TIME. I centre myself on waking..touch a surface, close eyes and do mindful breathing and remind myself dreams, nightmares and memories do not hurt. That these things are just my perceptions, of my mind rewiring. They are not harbingers of doom- of fate. They are just jumbled up memories, words and feelings.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ 
YES- ALL THE TIME. I centre myself on waking..touch a surface, close eyes and do mindful breathing and remind myself dreams, nightmares and memories do not hurt. That these things are just my perceptions, of my mind rewiring. They are not harbingers of doom- of fate. They are just jumbled up memories, words and feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
The WORST of feelings in recovery (so forever) is that gut- wrenching, grinding feeling of guilt and shame I wake to after having a f..king drinking dream. Where for that split second- it seems real.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
The WORST of feelings in recovery (so forever) is that gut- wrenching, grinding feeling of guilt and shame I wake to after having a f..king drinking dream. Where for that split second- it seems real.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
That is why sensory grounding- touch a surface, keep a little torch by the bed- so in the night can reorient, close eyes and listen, breathe and conc/ on heart beat...
Also the halts bit- hungry, angry, lonely, tied (or thirty) or sad- fix it or get help.
Also the halts bit- hungry, angry, lonely, tied (or thirty) or sad- fix it or get help.
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