Seriously.....
 

Hi guys,
I have some self loathing to do. I've been sober for close to 9 months so havent posted in a while.... for that. I'm sorry. What I should've done was be here to support others. But I didnt. I went about my business and forgot that I had a problem. That was my number one mistake. After 9 months and some cocaine today I got home and tried to bring myself down with a few quick shots of whisky. Now jere i sit ay 5.47pm and all I want is more liquor. I know the stakes and although there are a million things telling me no I still want more. For those that attend AA, this is where the wisdom of dont pick up that first drink comes from. I'm chasing the sensation like Helen of Troy and am willing to stake it all for it. As they say, once an addict, always aj addict. I fkn love it. It takes me to a place where there is no darkness. Where the grass is green, and where I am who I want to be. I'm sorry for who I am but at the same time beg for salvation. I need to stop right now. I need to cut this thirst and go about my way saving the world...

Pour away anything else you have Dim. 9 months is amazing. This is a little bump in the road, don't let it become anything more than that. I know that feeling ...where's no darkness and where you can be who you want to be. It's a mirage Dim. It isn't real. It lures you in and before you know it you're in a place of constant darkness with no idea who you are. Throw the booze away and give yourself the best chance of beating this thing for good.

do you really believe that, or is that what you want to believe Dim?

I never wanted to be the drunk I ended up as.

I grew to hate oblivion because it promised me the world....and gave me nothing.

Recovery is where the real happiness is - trust me on that :)

D

Just nip it in the bud before it gets outta hand, get back in the race :-)

Dim I feel for you I really do. The one thing I could never master was putting the drink back down once I'd started again. It's like I had to fully wring out the binge until I could not stand it any more. Problem then was I was in the pit of horrendous withdrawal which got worse each time. It was so dangerous and I shudder at the thought of how much risk I was in.
If you act now you can avoid this my friend. You know the drill. Dig deep, down a pint of water and go to bed. There's a massive difference between a slip up and a full on relapse. I truly hope you can put it down xxx

That feeling of confidence, self assured ness and freeness that substances bring is nothing but an ephemeral mirage, Dim.

The feelings are an illusion; they do not last, nor are they real. The dependency on that short lived, instant 'boost' is the lie that keeps us from acknowledging the true issues that underlie the cravings of this short term appeasement. Don't give in to it. Work through it and take this opportunity to analyse what you are really feeling, rather that sedating and anaesthetising it with alcohol and other substances.

Any relief that they bring is not adaptive in the long term, and rather serves as a road block that will hinder your self awareness and development. You need to address the root cause of these feelings so that you can work through them to get to a place where you can feel whole without the enhancement of substances.

Who you are should be the person you are when you are clean, sober and aware - not an inebriated or altered state of your true self.

Pour anything you have out and recentre and try to face some of the triggers that lead to this relapse. Wishing you well.

Wow, what LastingChange posted!

I had only read your post Dim and the words "The Mirage of Addiction" came to mind. Then I saw Lasting Change's post.

I can testify to the fact that getting sober but living life the same way is a recipe for relapse. It's a way to keep you roped into thinking that not using and not drinking is "missing out". Which contributes greatly to the mirage of addiction.

This time through I took action. My husband made the comment it was too bad I couldn't at least smoke a little weed now and then even though I don't drink. My response was why would I ever want to put something in my body that would detract and dull the sensation and experience that I've created for myself in life?

You can have this too, but it takes some work.

In that 9 months of sobriety what did you do to make life something to look forward to? What do you think you could do to achieve the realization that time spent drinking or using is a waste?

You CAN do this!

"It takes me to a place where there is no darkness. Where the grass is green, and where I am who I want to be. "
the program of AA can do that,too.
with no remorse,guilt, or dispair when using it.

i hope ya WANT to stop it all, Dim. If you WANT to stop, you know the action necessary.
it WILL be worth it.