driving people away
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
driving people away
I guess I will never understand why people post comments to threads that are so negative that the OP has to feel demoralized and sees no reason to even try. I know most people here mean well and it's up to the OP to get sober but I just don't see the benefit to the OP to attack them on their setbacks. For me that kind of approach would just help me to justify my negative feelings about myself and figure what's the point. People telling me I'm a lost cause just tells me I'm right. For example, if I relapse, there is something wrong with me. Sure, if I relapse, there is definitely something wrong, but why does it mean I haven't made every effort to stay sober? Putting down the drink means picking up on life, but unfortunately life isn't always willing to accept you. Then what? John
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Dee and I work very hard to keep negative comments out of the Newcomers Forum. In fact, Dee works endlessly to accomplish a positive and safe place for all newcomers and this is what he and I want newbies to see.
What you can do is Report a Post anytime you see something like that. It would be much more appreciated than posting about this on the boards. Who told you that you are a lost cause? I am here now, so please feel free to PM me with links to negative posts or report a post. Thanks.
What you can do is Report a Post anytime you see something like that. It would be much more appreciated than posting about this on the boards. Who told you that you are a lost cause? I am here now, so please feel free to PM me with links to negative posts or report a post. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I highly doubt anyone has called anyone else here a lost cause.
We've all been there but on the other side of it we can see that no matter how many excuses we make, what always came down to was we made the choice to drink. The only person that can stop me from drinking is me. Under the influence, we don't think clearly. We know that, too.
Supporting me in my setbacks, telling me it was okay to "slip", would have only strengthened my resolve to keep drinking.
We've all been there but on the other side of it we can see that no matter how many excuses we make, what always came down to was we made the choice to drink. The only person that can stop me from drinking is me. Under the influence, we don't think clearly. We know that, too.
Supporting me in my setbacks, telling me it was okay to "slip", would have only strengthened my resolve to keep drinking.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi John
I'm not sure who said you were a lost cause - I haven't seen anything like that - but I wouldn't agree with them.
If it was a remark from some time ago, then maybe its time to drop that bundle?
I think we do a pretty good job here of people posting to help others - the tone may vary but I think the posts are all trying to help.
I think the mods do a more than reasonable job of letting everyone have their say and providing a balance of opinions, while maintaining the rules..
If you or anyone else ever think a post goes too far you're very welcome to report it by using the little read and white triangle beside the post.
I care very deeply about this forum and it's members and I know Anna does too. She even got in before me here
With your help, and the help pf everyone else, we can keep it great
D
I'm not sure who said you were a lost cause - I haven't seen anything like that - but I wouldn't agree with them.
If it was a remark from some time ago, then maybe its time to drop that bundle?
I think we do a pretty good job here of people posting to help others - the tone may vary but I think the posts are all trying to help.
I think the mods do a more than reasonable job of letting everyone have their say and providing a balance of opinions, while maintaining the rules..
If you or anyone else ever think a post goes too far you're very welcome to report it by using the little read and white triangle beside the post.
I care very deeply about this forum and it's members and I know Anna does too. She even got in before me here
With your help, and the help pf everyone else, we can keep it great
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
I am actually very upset about this post. I feel hurt personally that you think we would allow such a thing to happen. I'm not saying it never happens, but I can promise you we do not allow it to happen when we are aware of it.
I would say we don't just do a more than reasonable job, I would say our Mods do an outstanding job.
If you have a problem with someone calling you names, all you have to do is report it or PM any of the mods or admins.
I would say we don't just do a more than reasonable job, I would say our Mods do an outstanding job.
If you have a problem with someone calling you names, all you have to do is report it or PM any of the mods or admins.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 63
I am going out on a limb here.
These words have me really thinking. “This is me.” I could and would use anything as ammunition against myself.
I tend to be oversensitive to all “perceived” negative words, (written and spoken) voice tone & volume, the unspoken negative words (unwritten and unspoken) and peoples body language. I am hyper-vigilant. This is from years of protecting myself. No longer needed survival skills. We can only think and perceive from our own history. I am not trying to say the negative is “all in the mind” or only “perceived” sometimes it is very real.
So for me I am practicing trying to see:
Where might they be coming from?
Am I overthinking as I am at this moment? (This is funny and not because it took me 30 minute plus to write this)
Is what I am thinking really true?
Where is the proof in what I see?
The positive in the negative “perceived or real.?"
It isn't easy to change 50+ years of negative thinking
just me
CBT & IOP thank you!
Anna and Dee thank you!
John hang in there
Originally Posted by 2muchpain 
...justify my negative feelings about myself and figure what's the point. ...
I tend to be oversensitive to all “perceived” negative words, (written and spoken) voice tone & volume, the unspoken negative words (unwritten and unspoken) and peoples body language. I am hyper-vigilant. This is from years of protecting myself. No longer needed survival skills. We can only think and perceive from our own history. I am not trying to say the negative is “all in the mind” or only “perceived” sometimes it is very real.
So for me I am practicing trying to see:
Where might they be coming from?
Am I overthinking as I am at this moment? (This is funny and not because it took me 30 minute plus to write this)
Is what I am thinking really true?
Where is the proof in what I see?
The positive in the negative “perceived or real.?"
It isn't easy to change 50+ years of negative thinking
just me
CBT & IOP thank you!
Anna and Dee thank you!
John hang in there
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
TooMuchJ: If someone posted that to you I am sorry something like that would happen. I think for the most part this forum is one of the best moderated I've ever come across and every effort is made to keep it a positive place. I don't want to come across as defensive or anything and deny how you feel.
Speaking for myself, I've battled with depression in the past and I know from my own experience that when I am feeling "down" I can find negative almost anywhere's in anything's. I can turn neutral comments or someone else's opinions into a personal slam and I don't like being that way and I'm not in that frame of mind right now in my life, but I know I've suffered from that before. I'm not saying that is the case with you, but just something to consider.
I hope you're okay and keep reaching out, even if you feel discouraged. The secret/key is to never give up even when you feel like it. Never give up.
Speaking for myself, I've battled with depression in the past and I know from my own experience that when I am feeling "down" I can find negative almost anywhere's in anything's. I can turn neutral comments or someone else's opinions into a personal slam and I don't like being that way and I'm not in that frame of mind right now in my life, but I know I've suffered from that before. I'm not saying that is the case with you, but just something to consider.
I hope you're okay and keep reaching out, even if you feel discouraged. The secret/key is to never give up even when you feel like it. Never give up.
The road goes on forever
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 1,107
As an active member here for over 1 year.... I can honestly say ( in my opinion) I have never seen a reply to anyone "attacking them on their setbacks".
On the contrary, I see the replies from everyone overly positive and caring.
I am constantly AMAZED at the moderators involvement and their huge commitment.
But this is the "internet" and just about anyone can sign on here... it would be impossible to 100% moderate every post on every thread. So it comes down to all of us in this community to help by reporting. Allowing mods to be most effective.
On the contrary, I see the replies from everyone overly positive and caring.
I am constantly AMAZED at the moderators involvement and their huge commitment.
But this is the "internet" and just about anyone can sign on here... it would be impossible to 100% moderate every post on every thread. So it comes down to all of us in this community to help by reporting. Allowing mods to be most effective.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Ignore and report are useful tools. Over time I have become much less sensitive to others comments when they don't align with mine. There is a difference however between true discourse and being rude. I know because I have crossed that line myself, and apologized a few times.
All that said, I am a really bad cheerleader> I have seen several friends die in the last year and that makes me weary. This isn't a game for many of us but life and death. Sometimes the responding message may seem harsh but it is through this lens of experience many respond, including myself.
All that said, I am a really bad cheerleader> I have seen several friends die in the last year and that makes me weary. This isn't a game for many of us but life and death. Sometimes the responding message may seem harsh but it is through this lens of experience many respond, including myself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
