FreeOwl

good suggestions... thank you.

miamifella

This is good information. The idea that a teenaged sibling is supposed to put his life on hold if his mother has a baby is so unreasonable that you know that there is no way to satisfy her--then keeping your distance is the most sensible thing to do.

There are some relationships we do not have the power to repair.

Ooona

Good Morning FreeOwl,

Just reading through your thread this morning got me thinking about my relationship with my older brother. He also left home when I was 5 and he was 18, he enlisted in the army and served two terms in the Vietnam War. He never really came back home other then for short leaves over the next 30 years. When I was younger, I was upset and angry that he 'left' us as my father had passed the year before and I felt abandoned by my older brother. I saw him as the man of the house, our protector. Completely unfair to hold him to that role but thats what my young mind and heart felt. I held onto that lack of trust and resentment towards him for many years, in part due to my alcoholism. My immature mind/heart held onto many 'unreasonable resentments' over the years....I think that is typical of alcoholism.
Anyways, just wanted to tell you that I recently had a visit with my older brother. We went on a hike and had a very nice talk and he said, I know you have had some upset feelings towards me over the years and I just want you to know Im sorry for anything I may have done or not done. We didnt get into specifics but when he said those words...all of the resentment and anger just melted away and I just cried with love for him.
My point I guess is that when your sister is in a better place ( I hope and pray she finds sobriety), maybe a conversation could take place that would bring loving forgiveness. Maybe amends could happen without pointing out ...you did this and I did this and etc but more so a general apology...etc.
Anyway, the fact that you are even concerned about her and her feelings speaks to the love you have for her. I hope she realizes that and embraces your relationship sooner then later.

August252015

Respectfully, this goes back to my "my side of the street" comment previously. It's my job to figure out MY part in resentments/etc columns....not the other person's role or what their issue is (which would be by my perception anyway and a dubious guess at best).

Working the steps in non-order = working for you as in staying sober?
Or = working for you in keeping you growing and moving forward towards peace and strength in your program (on top of staying sober)?

I did some mental skipping around, so to speak - as I was thinking about 4-5 when I was still between 1-3 so I was prepared when I got there, and I made some 9/amends right after 4, and left others to follow....I had been living in 1,10 and 12 before my sponsor and I "officially" finished the steps a few days ago. My goal and focus is always on what keeps me on track and making progress. Just my $0.02 about step work.

I think many find that working them in order contributes to less angst because you begin to trust the process.

FreeOwl

Thank you. This is powerful. I appreciate it...... a very good core lesson here.

FreeOwl

Both.

The steps are just a part of how I approach sobriety. There has also been therapy, counseling, introspection, journaling, self-work that have all led to my 'doing the steps' on specific issues in specifc ways that seem quite effective to me. I've grown and matured and moved beyond and in so doing, discovered new layers of self that then need to 'work the steps' in new ways.

I hear what you're saying and even agree that to an extent, following the rigid prescription of the steps as they are is very valuable. However I can say with full conviction that had I done "the steps" exactly as ordered in month one of sobriety - I'd have to do them all over again in month three, and in month eleven and month 36 and month 42...... because as I grow and deepen my sobriety and heal myself and my relationships and my life - I continually discover new things.

This thing about my sister is a great example. I have only one conscious memory of any sort of issue or impact to her from my drinking. We got in a hollering match when she was in her late teens and were at some party with her friends. I barely remember it because I was half-blackout-drunk and I'd be surprised if she remembers it fully either. I'd apologized back then - but that is literally the only thing I'm aware of. I'm also aware of her general resentment for my not being there...... but beyond that, I have been entirely unaware of her being angry, resentful or frustrated with me specifically about my drinking and any expectation or hurt stemming from it. So - I'm discovering. And whatever it is I'm learning in discovery about this thing with my sister is going to need 'stepping'..... I need to look honestly at myself and what her perspective is and be open to understanding it and making amends for it and letting go of any guilt of it and asking myself whether it represents some new character flaw I've not yet attended to and asking for help in transcending it and learning what I can about it to pass on to others in my ESH.

SO - my view is you're never 'done' with the steps. You adopt them as a tool in your sobriety and you learn to use them as a matter of course in your life.

I appreciate your viewpoint, I do hear and understand what you're saying and I am integrating your words into this as I listen to my inner wisdom for next steps.

Thank you.

Fly N Buy

I read your thread as daughter, not sister......my bad. That is indeed a horse of different color..........

You have developed a keen insight into sobriety while asking others to share experiences as well. Good for you in fighting the good fight.

One day at a time......