Sobriety takes a lot of work!
 

I am experiencing this now. I notice that if I'm not at work, doing something or keeping busy, I have to focus on recovery type work. Maybe it's the quiet moments with myself where the anxiety creeps in and I get those AV thoughts. Then I know I have to read, post, write, work on my self care, deep breathing, etc. I know how much better I fee when I drink water or tea. I know the alcohol doesn't cure my anxiety, it worsens it.....and probably even causes it altogether. I haven't been sober long enough in my adult life to really know for sure.

Today was a really hot and long day at work, and I was feeling anxious and irritable when I got home. I had stopped to get cigarettes (which I also don't need) and thought I would test the waters and get 1 cold beer. I only let myself buy 1. I haven't drank since I started on the naltrexone, so I think my curiosity got the best of me.
Well, I opened it and took a few drinks while I was eating my dinner. That was fine, nothing felt really. So I chugged a few more drinks, and it didn't make me feel better. I walked away, came back in a little bit to have another drink, which mostly just gave me anxiety because I know that I am not a drinker anymore, and that was a dumb idea to even buy a beer. So then I just lost interest and had some of my cold soda instead. I just did not want the beer, so I just poured the rest out. Now my curiosity is gone, and I feel like I can go on about my night peacefully.
Just wanted to share that experience with you all, and it helps me to post. Like literally, I feel much more calm now than when I started writing this. Thanks for reading. Hope everyone is doing well.

It sounds like quite a bad night.

Do you think you need to quit completely? One of your sentences struck me the most, "....[if I'm not...] then I have to focus on recovery work."

For me, making "recovery work" the foundation of my life is freeing - allowing me to do everything else bc it comes first, in principle and in practice. It's not really work- it's dedicated effort to build a life I want and protect dearly.

Have you considered AA? I hear a lot of turmoil and struggle and hope you can sort through it enough to get started and give sobriety a real chance.

perhaps you aren't quite understanding how recovery works.....it means not drinking, ever. not even 1. what you did was controlled drinking. and now the idea is set that hey, i was able to have a beer and nothing BAD happened......which is exactly what the AV wants.

I also don't get it.
I don't see how having 5-6 or more drinks in a night is a positive recovery story.

This sounds dangerous to me. So, you were stressed and anxious and you drank and now you feel better? Now your AV is thrilled because it has put one over on you, lulled into a more vulnerable state.

As long as you use alcohol deal with life, you will never know that there are healthy ways to deal with stress and anxiety.

Hi Bronzie, I haven't seen you in awhile so I'm glad to see you. I'm glad you didn't go on a bender, but we both know we can't drink. It sounds like this was the "first drink" of a potential bender. Get your resolve in place, there is nothing unknown to you to be curious of in drinking......we know what that trap feels like. If you feel vunderable.....be here, remember, just don't get fooled into another day 1. Stay strong!

Yep.

Remember Bronzie this is people trying to help you. You might not like what is said but there is a bunch of experience here. You can do it

I'm pretty sure what you've just described is the easy part.

Because this is an addiction that finds all kinds of subtle ways of drawing us back in, we can't afford to experiment, or just try it to appease some sort of curiosity. There shouldn't be any. We know that there is no condition under which we can safely drink because we are alcoholics. THIS IS THE BASIS of any sort of recovery work.

Personally, the moment I put drink to lips, no matter what justification I used, I might as well throw away anything I think I know or have learned about my disease or recovery from it because I don't know the first thing about it. I obviously haven't learned a thing, because I still haven't accepted that I can't drink.

Hi Bronzie,

This is a friend of mine on this sites signature. Read it and give it some serious thought.

Sometimes easier said than done, but the happiest and most content I am in sobriety is when I'm fully accepting of the fact that there is no circumstance under which I can drink.

asixstringnut

Hey, thanks everyone for your responses. I guess the curiosity part was, would I really not feel anything if I drink on the naltrexone? Well, I don't know if it was "placebo effect" or what....I just know I couldn't even finish the beer I bought just to "see." So maybe it is true, that the medication does scientifically work. I sure hope so!
So, I think I was a little misunderstood. I KNOW what once drink does to me. What I didn't know was that, after being on the naltrexone for a couple weeks now and NOT drinking at all, what drinking would feel actually like with the opiate blocker. I have read and watched a lot on other people's experiences. And I believe in the science more than the other approaches to addiction recovery.

[Said kindly] Medicines are tools, not a solution or the "cure" for drinking. I take Campral (acamprosate- and anti craving med) as a maintenance drug, and I took Antabuse for the first 90 days of my sobriety. Both were merely tools added to my absolute resolve not to drink. IMO focusing on the effect of a drug is a red herring.

We have to have true acceptance that we cannot drink, NO MATTER WHAT, and that gives us the freedom to have support tools of all kinds that are built as we gain sober time.

"And I believe in the science more than the other approaches to addiction recovery."
thats good, but doing experiments on yourself when the information about the effects of alcohol consumption while on the medication is already out there is,imo, insane.
i like rocket science. i dont go doing experiments with rocket motors when the information is already out there.
lots of people have died doing science experiments on themselves.

" I have read and watched a lot on other people's experiences."
then whats this about:
What I didn't know was that, after being on the naltrexone for a couple weeks now and NOT drinking at all, what drinking would feel actually like with the opiate blocker. "

from what i see on the net,theres 9,000,000 results using the search
naltrexone and drinking after a couple weeks

Your original post did not mention Naltrexone. Yes, it does what it's supposed to do. You still drank because you wanted to. No recovery work yet being done.

And I believe in the science more than the other approaches to addiction recovery.

and yet......you still made the conscious decision to DRINK. no pill is going to STOP you. no other method or outside force will either until you consciously DECIDE to never drink again. sobriety will not happen without your full participation.

^^^^LOVE THAT and totally stealing "sobriety will not happen without your full participation" YES! And it is so worth it- because full participation in sobriety ---> ability to have full participation in life.

I would like to say that I do understand your curiosity. As I was reading your post, I was thinking that there was some thought process about the medications and drinking involved.

That being said, the logic is not sound. The medications are there to help you to remain abstinent in the short term. The medications are not the cure from alcoholism. You have to take the steps necessary which only requires one step; no drinking of alcohol.

I do hope that you are done experimenting and that you can get on to the real work of remaining sober.

It appears to me that you are looking for approval, excuse or permission to drink. I doubt you will get much of that here. Best of luck with the experiment.

Complete rationalizations:
"curiousity"
"science"

It was just pure AV. It's incredibly subtle and still jump on any opportunity to cause us to drink.