Isolating or just like being alone? I have lots of fun by myself!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1
Isolating or just like being alone? I have lots of fun by myself!
Hi everyone! I am still pretty new in the recovery process. I celebrated 6 months on the 1st and am writing my 4th step. I have a question about isolating and having fun.
I have always had a few very close friends and a ton of good acquaintances. Always been kind of shy around new people but could be very outgoing around my friends. I've always preferred being alone and when I did hang out with friends it was usually one on one or in small groups. The smaller the group the more comfortable I am.
I was an isolator at the end of my addiction but throughout most of it I was a very social drinker. Now that I'm sober I REALLY enjoy being a homebody, working on my arts and crafts, reading, hiking etc. I like hanging out with friends one on one or doing some sort of activity like hiking but I DO NOT like going to any sort of party including ones that do not involve alcohol.
One of the service positions I recently held was on a committee for a retreat. I went to the retreat and I made a promise to my myself that I would not spend all my time alone and that I would participate in everything. Well, I did that and I did not enjoy myself. I tried to have fun with people, I really did.
I guess what I'm getting at is my sponsor keeps telling me I need to make new friends in the program, that my sober and normie friends that aren't in the program just aren't going to work out for long term sobriety. She says that I need to force myself to spend more time with people in the program outside of meetings even if I don't want to.
I on the other hand am perfectly fine spending time alone and actually prefer it. I have a ton of fun by myself! My sponsor says the social part of the program is super important. She says she used to be like me but isn't anymore because of the program. I on the other hand don't really care to be anymore social than I am. I like how I am and I like being alone. So my question to you is should I force myself to hang out with people from the program even if it makes me want to poke my eyeballs out?
I am comfortable with my social circle, I've kept my distance from the necessary people and no longer put myself in sticky situations. Why do I have to replace my friends and become some sort of social butterfly? Going to meetings provides enough social interaction for me to not feel lonely. I guess I'm looking for someone to relate to that won't throw a bunch of cliches back at me. I'm tired of listening to my sponsor regurgitate stuff that just makes me roll my eyes.
Thanks for listening and sorry if I sound like a negative nancy.
I have always had a few very close friends and a ton of good acquaintances. Always been kind of shy around new people but could be very outgoing around my friends. I've always preferred being alone and when I did hang out with friends it was usually one on one or in small groups. The smaller the group the more comfortable I am.
I was an isolator at the end of my addiction but throughout most of it I was a very social drinker. Now that I'm sober I REALLY enjoy being a homebody, working on my arts and crafts, reading, hiking etc. I like hanging out with friends one on one or doing some sort of activity like hiking but I DO NOT like going to any sort of party including ones that do not involve alcohol.
One of the service positions I recently held was on a committee for a retreat. I went to the retreat and I made a promise to my myself that I would not spend all my time alone and that I would participate in everything. Well, I did that and I did not enjoy myself. I tried to have fun with people, I really did.
I guess what I'm getting at is my sponsor keeps telling me I need to make new friends in the program, that my sober and normie friends that aren't in the program just aren't going to work out for long term sobriety. She says that I need to force myself to spend more time with people in the program outside of meetings even if I don't want to.
I on the other hand am perfectly fine spending time alone and actually prefer it. I have a ton of fun by myself! My sponsor says the social part of the program is super important. She says she used to be like me but isn't anymore because of the program. I on the other hand don't really care to be anymore social than I am. I like how I am and I like being alone. So my question to you is should I force myself to hang out with people from the program even if it makes me want to poke my eyeballs out?
I am comfortable with my social circle, I've kept my distance from the necessary people and no longer put myself in sticky situations. Why do I have to replace my friends and become some sort of social butterfly? Going to meetings provides enough social interaction for me to not feel lonely. I guess I'm looking for someone to relate to that won't throw a bunch of cliches back at me. I'm tired of listening to my sponsor regurgitate stuff that just makes me roll my eyes.
Thanks for listening and sorry if I sound like a negative nancy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
Hi Geterdone, and welcome! I'm a happy introvert and have preferences similar to yours. I have kept my "normal" friends -- they are important to me and have my back, even if they don't have personal experience with addiction.
My suggestion is to be yourself, and be true to yourself.
My suggestion is to be yourself, and be true to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London
Posts: 2,040
Hi geterdone...congrats on 6 months 💜
I also enjoy spending time on my own...yesterday I spent 6 hrs at the park on my own; reading, reflecting, taking in the nature around me...I had a great time. For some people that might sound boring...they may have wanted to head to the park with a group of friends to play games together etc. We're all different and I enjoy my quiet alone time...it's not a problem for me.
Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x
I also enjoy spending time on my own...yesterday I spent 6 hrs at the park on my own; reading, reflecting, taking in the nature around me...I had a great time. For some people that might sound boring...they may have wanted to head to the park with a group of friends to play games together etc. We're all different and I enjoy my quiet alone time...it's not a problem for me.
Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Your sponsor may not understand introverts...we need alone time to recharge and it's not automatically unhealthy isolation. If you are having trouble staying sober, that's different. But you sound pretty grounded and self-aware.
If your friends are not an impediment to staying sober...why would you dump them?
Sometimes people take guidelines and insist on turning them into commandments.
Maybe try to discuss introversion with your sponsor? If she refuses to acknowledge it as valid, maybe it's best if you part ways?
If your friends are not an impediment to staying sober...why would you dump them?
Sometimes people take guidelines and insist on turning them into commandments.
Maybe try to discuss introversion with your sponsor? If she refuses to acknowledge it as valid, maybe it's best if you part ways?
AA member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 872
Welcome to SR and congratulatons on your sober time.
The Big Book tells us that Alcoholics are people who do not usually mix.
Your sponsor seems to have the wrong idea about what AA is,it is not about socialising , a sponsor is to take you through the 12 steps,they have no right to tell you how to live your life.
It sounds to me as if you are doing really well,carry on doing it.
Wishing you well.
The Big Book tells us that Alcoholics are people who do not usually mix.
Your sponsor seems to have the wrong idea about what AA is,it is not about socialising , a sponsor is to take you through the 12 steps,they have no right to tell you how to live your life.
It sounds to me as if you are doing really well,carry on doing it.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
It doesn't sound like you're isolating at all, geterdone. You understand that it would hinder your sobriety, you have good friends and enjoy your time with them and alone and you go to meetings, you just compartmentalize and keep your relationships with other AAs in the rooms, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. The only relationship that necessarily has to leave the rooms is with your sponsor because of the time you have to spend on step work. That is fine, that's what AA is for.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I have fun by myself too, altho I'm not really alone as I have my two dogs and four cats for company. 
It seems like your sponsor is trying to dictate your social life. I wouldn't like that, if it were me.
Congrats on six months sober!
Sounds like you're doing well.
It seems like your sponsor is trying to dictate your social life. I wouldn't like that, if it were me.
Congrats on six months sober!
Sounds like you're doing well. 
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Do get a list of emergency numbers though. I don't care if we hang together outside of the rooms or not (we probably wouldn't because I'm similar to you), but if I get a text that says "hey it's Karen from the Wednesday night meeting, I just need someone to talk to me for a little while" I'm gonna answer if I can. Sometimes, no matter how good a friend someone is, if they're not an alcoholic, they simply can't do anything to help.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I am a happy introvert, too. I spent so much of my life feeling like I should be a social butterfly and I was miserable in that role. I love my family and very close friends. I love spending time with myself. I flatly refuse to be something I am not and I would not become an extrovert because someone told me it would be good for me. We are individuals, we are not all the same and our needs vary. Accepting myself as I am, has been the key to recovery for me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
Posts: 16,899
I agree! I personally don't have a sponsor, but that would drive me nuts! I'm really enjoying personal time too.....I think it's important that we finally get to know ourselves. We shouldn't be forced into social interactions IMO
Awesome job on six months!
Awesome job on six months!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
Congrats on 6 months sober!! That is great! You don't sound negative to me. I think you are doing great and are normal. I kept all my normal friends and only communicate with other alcoholics on this site. I am 13 months sober and happy with what I have been doing.
Keep on doing what works for you! I decided early on I wasn't doing anything out of my comfort zone but I have been open to try new things.
Keep on doing what works for you! I decided early on I wasn't doing anything out of my comfort zone but I have been open to try new things.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 611
You sound like me, geterdone. I'm completely functional in social settings, but I NEED that down time afterwards (even for time with family). Also I have no problem spending time alone, though I share space with two cats and a dog. I can't speak to why your sponsor would have a problem with your introversion, though some incorrectly reduce it to a diagnosis of "shy."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Hi sober twin!
Nice to meet you!
I am only a couple Steps ahead of ya; but as for your feelings on isolation, also agree with consensus that it's not unhealthy if it makes you feel better.
I get the same deal from my counselor but she very much understands me. I have to watch my line of healthy alone/unhealthy isolation.
If I don't get out to meetings every now and again, or spend time conversing with other adults, I get stuck up in my head and that's a very bad thing.
I come across as a very gregarious person, but I am definitely an introvert. I will talk to everyone in the room and be very friendly and enjoyable, then the switch will flip and I'll duck and run.
Healthy balance is what I aim for.
My sponsor told me that I needed to go to meetings every single day, and that we needed to have a WIDE net of support for me in times of need.
Well, her support was so great that when I couldn't get to meetings every day because I have a very young child and am a single mom in a new city, I got the brush off.
Sometimes our sponsors just don't gel with us
So don't sweat it. You're doing great. If you feel up to it, maybe have a conversation with your sponsor.
I personally didn't feel like explaining some things that were very obvious to my sponsor, so I got two different ones instead
High five! Glad to see I have a sober twin
Nice to meet you!
I am only a couple Steps ahead of ya; but as for your feelings on isolation, also agree with consensus that it's not unhealthy if it makes you feel better.
I get the same deal from my counselor but she very much understands me. I have to watch my line of healthy alone/unhealthy isolation.
If I don't get out to meetings every now and again, or spend time conversing with other adults, I get stuck up in my head and that's a very bad thing.
I come across as a very gregarious person, but I am definitely an introvert. I will talk to everyone in the room and be very friendly and enjoyable, then the switch will flip and I'll duck and run.
Healthy balance is what I aim for.
My sponsor told me that I needed to go to meetings every single day, and that we needed to have a WIDE net of support for me in times of need.
Well, her support was so great that when I couldn't get to meetings every day because I have a very young child and am a single mom in a new city, I got the brush off.
Sometimes our sponsors just don't gel with us
So don't sweat it. You're doing great. If you feel up to it, maybe have a conversation with your sponsor.
I personally didn't feel like explaining some things that were very obvious to my sponsor, so I got two different ones instead
High five! Glad to see I have a sober twin
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
At least complete your 7th step and then revisit this situation.
Yes, you are isolating. Do that step work and start living a more fabulous life!! (I mentioned step work, not meetings-know your motives for attending a meeting)
All of this is said with love and understanding. Been there, done that, too!
**(((HUGS)))**
Yes, you are isolating. Do that step work and start living a more fabulous life!! (I mentioned step work, not meetings-know your motives for attending a meeting)
All of this is said with love and understanding. Been there, done that, too!
**(((HUGS)))**
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 7
I'm going through the same thing. My therapist keeps telling me that I'm "isolating" because I don't socialize much. I attend a lot of meetings and talk to my best friend and my family every day. That's all the social interaction I can handle. I've never enjoyed being around a lot of people. This has nothing to do with drinking, it's just the way I am. The thought of spending more time with others gives me a headache. I much prefer spending my time reading, writing, taking long walks, listening to music, or just hanging out with my husband and four dogs. For me, those are healthy things that strengthen me in my recovery.
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