hns0685

Hey, I'm doing ok. I had a really busy day today and so far have not had anything to drink although I can't lie the obsession is pretty strong at the moment. To prevent myself my leaving the house I ate dinner, got into pjs, and am in bed. I do have one drink left at my house and it's taunting me at the moment... I keep trying to rationalize my "taper" and my addict voice is trying to tell me what's the difference between day 1 being today or tomorrow. Ugh.

On a positive note, I did feel a lot better after not downing a bunch of alcohol last night so that has me pretty motivated to get and STAY sober. I forgot how nice it is to not wake up feeling like ****. The important thing I have to remember and was never able to get is that I have to KNOW that I'm never going to be able to drink in "moderation". That thought is so depressing- it's seriously like grief. Please tell me I'm not the only person who's felt that way?

D122y

hns,

3 years and then relapse. Wow. You were so clean. Probably mentally really solid I imaging.

Were/are you taking any meds?

What made you decide to pick up again?

I am asking because I am at 25 months and feeling better than ever, but I don't ever want to drink again.

I go to AA sometimes, but since I have made it this long wout AA, I don't feel the need to go all in. Some of the guys come across kind of cultish. It scares me.

But AA is better than relapsing.

Thanks.

hns0685

WOW, thank you SO much! I literally just bawled my way through reading your post. I can relate on so many levels. Really no one besides my husband even knows that I drink- my kids have smelled "something funny" on my breath a few times but they know don't like KNOW know. I have really been focusing on eating very healthy today, drinking lemon water, taking milk thistle to help support my liver. I am so bloated- I can't wait for it to go back down. I cried when you said you were never proud of yourself while you were drinking... I look back at pictures from a year ago while I was sober and I was glowing. Now I just have the worst self esteem. My eyes and skin look terrible and I'm just not showing up for my family and friends like I know I could be. Thank you for the tip of just going to bed early. I actually am exhausted at the moment and am pretty sure I could just go to bed in half hour or so. I'll keep coming back here. You guys have been lifesavers.

Hevyn

hns - I definitely went through a grieving period where I felt rather sorry for myself & resentful. I knew in my heart I could never have just a few - I had known it for years. I had made such a mess of my life I didn't dare risk it ever again - and after a while I was just so relieved to have things going smoothly & to be free. I knew I could never live that reckless life again. Being sane and sober became the new drinking for me.

hns0685

I'd love to share what happened if it helps you not to relapse! So I had 3 years. I should mention that in 2009 my husband passed away and I struggle with PTSD from that. I do take an antidepressant as well as an anti-anxiety medication. In 2014 I got remarried and I believe it was all very triggering- the fear of loving someone again and losing them. I was having a TON of panic and anxiety and my medications weren't really helping. (I was also in counseling for years). Anyway, I felt pretty solid in my sobriety regardless of my mental state. My new husband and I got married and on our honey moon the hotel provided a copious amount of "Congratulatory champagne, wine, exc". I told them that I didn't drink, and they then came to our door about an hour later with a huge tray of drinks and chocolate covered strawberries, exc. I didn't refuse it this time and took it into our room. I obviously should have said no.

The craving and mental obsession hit me SO hard and out of nowhere. It's like the whiskey in the milk story. Pretty soon I had a glass of champagne in my hand and it was like I wasn't even totally conscious of what I was doing. I just knew I wanted to drink. Of course this lead to drinks at the hotel bar, which lead to going to a club... which lead to about 2 months of drinking until I was able to sober up again.

In hindsight, I wasn't going to many meetings-maybe once a week if that. I also feel like I wasn't truly dealing with my fears, being honest with my sponsor about them. I can tell you though that as much pain as I THOUGHT I was in at that moment, the subsequent relapses have been so much more painful. And the hardest part is that once you relapse after having substantial amount of time, it doesn't seem like a big deal to start over again at 30 days, 60 days, exc.

I really hope this helps. I would just say stay in the middle of the boat (whatever that is for you), be honest with the people closest to you, remember that we will always drink over a resentment or a strong fear if it's not dealt with.

hns0685

Hevyn, you're totally right. I do remember that feeling of freedom and it just not being worth messing that up. I'll get back there. Thanks for the reminder- I need to hear those things. Hiding drinking is so tiresome! I'm so ready to be free of that.

Hevyn

It's going to be ok, hns. It has to be.

Mattq2

Keep at it HNS, you did it once you can do it again. Things will get better for you I just know it.