Year Two: Harder and more real and guilt
 

I'm at the beginning of year 2. In some ways, it seems like smooth sailing because it's the default now. I can't drink and it's easy to speed the tape to the end. But, it's also easy to think that that was a long time ago, I'm better now, and I can handle myself. That's not true and it helps to realize I almost died. In fact, my husband told me the other day that the doctors clearly told him they didn't know if I would make it through the night. I don't really like hearing these stories and we were fighting.

Boredom is the biggest trigger for me and now, events have become a trigger. I don't actually contemplate drinking, but last summer, as the trips, vacations, games, and picnics rolled through, I was still scared sheetless. It was a newness of sorts. I never had a pink cloud, so it wasn't that. I wasn't thrilled or overly exuberant, just doing it.

I had a lot to do the first year to get things back on track in the family department. That's not done and things are still amiss, esp. with the husband, but there's myriad reasons for that, many unrelated to the 2 years of nightmare alcoholism (mine, of course).

I still feel guilty for how I behaved and in particular, this one event really bothers me. I was blacked out when I sent some super nasty text messages to some people (common friends, but more of my husband's old friends who became my friends as well).

I've mentioned this on here before. My husband is both critical and immature and I guess he doesn't own a mirror. He talked about their looks, etc., their aging, etc. When he appealed to them for help because of my drunkenness, that sent me into a spiral where I had to prove myself and I texted them all the nasty stuff he said.

Yep. I acted like that. At my age, I acted worse than I'd ever acted as a child. I only realized it when I was checking my messages a few days later. Even then, while still drunk (I'm sure), my face was boiling with blood.

I can't apologize to them because I feel like I'm begging for sympathy and deserve none. It's been over a year. Every apology I think of has a "but" in it. But, I was drunk. But, I shouldn't have done that. But, I'm hoping you will forgive me so I can forgive myself.

I don't want any of that. Instead, I'll just post here.

Do any of these regrets go away? I did plenty of very bad things to my own family, but somehow, this seems much more egregious. It's one of the most embarrassing:headbange things I've done. I guess misery loves company. Am I alone? Ugh.

Hi notgonnastoptry :)

sounds to me that maybe forgiving yourself need to be a focus right now. It's hard to move on when you have your hands around your own neck.

I think forgiving ourselves frees us up to accept ourselves for who we are - warts and all - and that sort of comfortableness with who we are makes social situations less of an ordeal nowadays, at least for me.

Do you think you might need some counselling to get started? I see no shame in that - it was helpful for me :)

Congrats on starting year 2 :)

D

Hi notgonnastoptry,

I've was also consumed with guilt and shame from some of my actions when drinking. Not sure if this will be your sort of thing but if you are feeling as desperate as I was you might try it (or it might just be right up your street)...I searched for self-forgiveness guided mediations online and honestly found them to help lessen the feelings of guilt and shame. It is something I have to keep working on and every time I do one I make more headway in forgiving myself. Wishing you well on the rest of your recovery journey x

Thanks for the post.
I think regrets while looking at past behavior is typical of all of us.
I am trying to treat myself with compassion, so I don't get mired and stuck in unhappiness.
Choosing unhappiness can lead me to feeling like change is impossible - so why try?
Try treating yourself with compassion and focus on the present.

I have a hard time forgiving myself for things I have done while drunk too. Especially behaving in immature, embarrassing or mean ways, such as insulting people. (Like, who do I think I am??)

I'm not at the point in recovery to bring these things up and apologize either. Some would cause more damage and embarrassment to all involved, I would think.

Best to just focus on being a good person today. The past can't be changed. There is no use in dwelling on it. Try to be the loving good self that you are and that person will shine through. People will eventually see the real you and slowly forgive. If not, oh well. Can't win them all. I know this is all easier said than done. (I have to remind myself of all this daily as I cringe at work, in public, etc). Congrats on your sobriety!

Hugs.

Congratulations on over a year sober. I can totally relate to the feelings of being mortified by some of my actions. It is hard at times but I am slowly learning to forgive myself and live in the present. You have came along way. You should be really proud of yourself. :)

Sounds like you aren't following a program but rather just not drinking. If that is the case than you removed your solution to life (drinking) and you haven't replaced it with a solution that will help you have a good life.

The program of AA has answers to your questions you list above. The 12 steps are in place to help deal with those issues. Steps 4 and 5 and 8 and 9 in particular but you must do them in order with a sponsor and the only way to do that is to get to some meetings. I can't say enough how much the program has helped my and so many people I know. I hope you decide to follow the program and change your life for the better!