FeelingL0st

I have only told 2 people that I am choosing a sober life. 2 close friends I trust with my life.

With other friends, acquaintances, and family members, if the subject comes up, I have chosen to say very little other than I am taking a break, or I haven't said anything at all.

I have, for years, been known as the "Beer partier", the life of the party kinda person. People associate me with drinking and having a great time (in their eyes and mine as well at times) the drugging part was my own little secret.

Anyway, I spent a week-end, last weekend with my family, out of town. I come from a family that on every occasion celebrates everything with drinking. I was crazy worried about spending an entire week-end with them, having said very little about not drinking. When they asked me last week-end, why I was not drinking, I told them I was taking a break. My dad was especially proud of me and told me he supported me in every way and thought it was a great idea.

My sister is a snarky B***h and made several remarks mocking the no drinking thing, but that's her.

Earlier this week my sister texted me and asked me to be the Designated Driver to an all day winery tour while on family vacation, "since, you know, you don't drink anymore, you can be the DD for us"
I didn't say no at that point because I knew she wasn't being sincere, it was more of a poke. Anyway, I am going to say no. I don't want to put myself in that situation on an all day trip with drunk people stopping at winerys all day. I mentioned this to my dad, the one who supported me taking a break, and he said "Well, it won't be so bad. It will be fun stopping here and there, being together. You'll be fine" I said to him it wasn't something I wanted to be a part of and he replied
"Hey, one day won't be bad, besides you are on vacation and having a beer here and there isn't that big of a deal. Everything in moderation. You can certainly enjoy your beers here and there"

So, my question is, how do I explain to him and to my family that this is a lifetime decision for me, without making a huge announcement.
I want them to see the importance of this and am failing at finding the right words to say or NOT to say.

I only see them once a month or so. Maybe I should have said it was more than a break. Or maybe since I only told them it was a break, I should just continue to say "No thank you, I'm still not drinking"

I'm sorry for this lengthy post. I wanted to make sure you had some background about this situation.

Any words of wisdom on how to deal with this?

****16 wonderful days of being clean and sober today****

Culture

FeelingLOst I can't offer you advice as I haven't told anyone I have quit drinking for good. I am at a similar point to you in my recovery(19 days) I would be interested in answers also. For the moment, I am just telling people I'm not drinking because I want to get healthier.

I was also known for being the party animal but I have been to parties where I haven't drank and people were not really that interested.

As far as being the driver for the winery tour goes, if you think it's going to be difficult to handle, then I personally wouldn't do it, I don't put myself into those situations as I know I would give in. I have a similar thing happening this week with my Father visiting, he will expect me to drink and I'm not doing it.

I am finally learning that this is too important to be bothered by what he thinks.

FeelingL0st

Thanks for your advice Culture.
I have never, ever been out socially prior to 16 days ago, without drinking.
So people just assume I am going to and when I don't it becomes a topic of conversation. I reply the same "Taking a break' "Getting healthier"
Which is all true, but sounds temporary, doesn't it?
And maybe that's ok and maybe they will quit asking, eventually.

Delizadee

"I don't drink"
or, "I choose not to drink, anymore"
or, "not my thing, not interested, no thanks"

Anything beyond that... I mean it's really none of their business.
It took me awhile to wrap my head around nobody needs to know the backstory behind my reasons to stay sober.

And, the people who judge, comment, pry, push booze, or poke fun at you are often the ones who end up questioning their own drinking behaviours.

Just my two cents... Eventually they will quit asking and talking about it.
Today's gossip is nothing tomorrow, they'll find used to it sooner or later.
And most people really don't care. And I hope at the end of the day, you are able to not let it bother you anyone who goes out of their way to make comments about it you are doing something awesome for yourself! You know what's best for you.

thomas11

This will sound snarky, but I believe it to be true. Sobriety is your journey and you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why. I've said before that early sobriety can be a bit of a selfish endeavor. We must remained focused on ourselves and our sobriety. It fades with time, but early on its pretty constant. I would simply be very firm in your explanation that you won't be participating in some of the drinking activities. They'll get the picture (i would hope). Congratulations on your 16 days.

FLCamper

If you think being the DD on this venture will tempt you to drink, don't do it. It is no easy task to make it as far as you have and you don't want to start over. It sounds like your Dad supports you which is great. But he doesn't understand that one sip is too much and "moderation" isn't an option.

Early on, it helped me a lot to have one person with me who knew my "situation". Is there anyone in the group who you can confide in? I see that you said only 2 people in your life at this point know the whole story.

2ndhandrose

While it is nice that your dad offered support, it is also obvious that he doesn't get the idea that "just a beer here or there" won't work for us.

And, that is okay, he doesn't need to get it. Only you do.

I would just keep politely saying no thanks.

I have been sober for 2 1/2 years and have no issues with being around people drinking, but I will say with certainty, I would have zero interest in hanging around on a wine tour, just so I can drive over the limit people home. I would 100% say "no thank you" to that one!!

Yay, for 16 days, that is awesome!!!

Protect your sobriety, no one else will.

Teetotaler56

I would let your dad know your plans, but honestly, I wouldn't even respond to a snarky comment such as that. I have a sister exactly like yours (no longer in contact with her since our parents passed away..no need to try to keep the peace for their sake, just said my goodbyes to her...so much happier for it). My only other advice would be that if you will be tempted, stay far far away. Maybe your sis can be the DD. ;-)

FeelingL0st

Thank you everyone so much.
It's exactly what I needed to hear.
I realize my Dad doesn't know the whole story, so I have to accept that what he says is coming from not knowing the whole story. Not knowing I can't have just one beer, or sip of wine.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for these words of wisdom

least

If anyone presses you on the issue, just say you're not drinking anymore and let it go at that. As far as your snarky sister, you don't have to respond to her "invitation" to be the driver.

I would not be interested either in driving around a bunch of drunk people, whether or not they were my relatives.

Dee74

Hi FeelingL0st

I explained to my family until I was blue in the face...they don't get it.
After several years they've accepted I don't drink anymore, ever and I'm happier for it.

In this case I think actions speak louder than words, but sometimes words have to do, at least for while.

Tell then you don't want to go on a winery tour and you're not going to be the DD.

No if ands or buts, no explanations - you've tried that

They'll get over it .