joandmelandhan

Been thinking about expectations vs reality in my early "recovery" and why the need for more than just putting down the drink. I guess I naively thought that each day away from my last drink would be better......I'd feel better. Of course it is better I mean I must be slowly healing mentally and physically. However it's what the years of drinking has left behind is what the issue is. The massive cracks that have been papered over by turning to the bottle day in day out. My capabilities are limited. In some area they are even more limited than when I drank. Maybe because my brain is being starved of it's instant fix and it's strugglng without that. So the emotions run riot. I feel like a person decades younger than myself (maturity wise) and the urge to turn to things like sugar, caffeine and nicotine are strong. At first that didn't matter. Nothing mattered really except not picking up. But now it needs to start mattering. My health, mental wellbeing and life in general depend on it. That's why I put together my plan. It's a bit like a framework for me to aim for. Some of it is non negotiable but some I'll go easy on myself for. But I must be mindful of it and check my progress daily. Went out to buy a journal last night so I can use it every day and print out my plan for the front cover.
It's not making me feel any better yet but that's okay I must be patient and accepting of the road ahead.

Caramel

A wise and insightful post, joandmelandhan - helpful to others, too

joandmelandhan

Well I'm not doing so good again. At the point I wrote my plan I felt motivated and hopeful. Yes the plan was basic but I was aware that keeping it simple was the only way for me.
Fast forward to a full-on 2 day long AV attack which I had to dig very deep to over come. The good bit is that I did and my sobriety is intact (yey!)
Problem now is that I've been left utterly exhausted, depressed and very much back in my shell. Very much like I felt at about 2 weeks in if I'm honest. Treating myself like an invalid and unable to keep up with the most basic of daily tasks. I mean what kind of 45 year only congratulates herself for showering and cleaning her teeth? Me that's who.
I look back at the plan and it looks like a nice little framework to live to. I just simply can't get myself back to a better frame of mind to get back to it.
I feel like I've lived so long in active addiction, scraping through each day that I'm left with really very poor coping skills indeed. What I see as an achievement many would see as something a 5 year old could do comfortably. Seriously. I'm not berating myself it's true.
So where do I go from here? Back off with the plan? Write another one given that I've gone downhill fast? Have a little break and come back to it?
I hesitate to use the dreaded four letter phrase PAWS but something is definitely going awry...... the longer I'm sober the more I can see what damage has been done and there is only one way to slowly repair that. By not taking that first drink no matter what one day at a time!!!!!!
Gonna keep popping back here with my ramblings until I feel more stable (for want of a better word)

Susiegirl

Hi Jo, Sorry to hear you're not feeling so good. Has anything triggered this recently? Please give yourself a pat on the back - look how far you have come. We are bound to have some sticky days but you are overcoming these which just shows your strength. I bet your hubby and 2 beautiful girls are proud of you. Giving up alcohol is not a miraculous cure for an awesome life but it sure does help. Anything I can help with -please give us a shout - Loads of love X

Berrybean

No need to throw the baby out with the bath water. You're still sober arent you? So what youre doing IS working for the most part. Probably worth thinking about what else can be added in, or if you've let some of the things you used to do all the time slip a little (that is often the case).

Sometimes it's the simplest things that have the most impact on me. Gratitude lists for example. Praying. Phoning a friend from AA (or preferably meeting for coffee and cake - even if I can't do it right there and then, having and arranged time and place with them andd knowing it is lined up is a comfort). Posting on here re your active AV when it starts up (rather than let it rattle us for a few days) could also be a plan.

Chin up. You're sober, and you're here thinking about adding to your tool box. Things could be much worse.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Bobbieka

Love you, Jo. You sound depressed. Do you see a doctor? I was going through a serious depression when I quit. I go to AA, an addiction counselor and a therapist. I needed all those things to feel normal again. Hugs. I've been there. It gets better, I promise.

joandmelandhan

Baby out the bath water! Lol! You're quite right BB a bit more gratitude and appreciationight go a long way too.....
Bobbie yes I do have depression which may be getting a little worse. I take an AD daily...... have done for a long time but maybe beimg alcohol free has affected me in that way. Bit like living in treacle when it comes to having any get -up-and-go. I've been toying with the idea of counselling/therapy which I'm fearful of as I know I've put a lot if things in a box in my head. Haven't even grieved for my late partner properly as I'm afraid of opening that box up. It was a whole mess of addiction and codependency and came to an horrific end. That's in the "no not yet" pile.....
However the "dry daughter's hair ready for bed" pile beckons so I'll go do that for now! Simple things....

Berrybean

If putting stuff in a mental or emotional 'box' worked as a plan, why would any of us go to such lengths to work through it in recovery? Why do people bitger with counsellors and the like? Anyway, I do know one thing for certain, and that is that it didn't work for me. The relief I got from working through my junk-drawer head really was amazing. And although it was difficult to get started (the lock was well and truly rusted) it wasn't as painful an extraction as I feared it might be. Well, the world didn't grind to a halt. No one recoiled from me in disgust. I didn't go up in a puff of ash upon uttering certain truths. Of course, as much as I had tried to keep my 'stuff' locked away, it was a leaky old vault and those painful truths had been dripping all over my existence for years, staining my present even though I turned a blind eye to that as much as possible.

Why not do yourself a favour and start working through that stuff sooner rather than later. Then you might start to enjoy your sobriety that much more xx

applewakesup

Do you think you maybe need to increase your AD dose or change prescriptions? Alcohol may have significantly interacted with how those meds worked for you. Maybe a trip to the doctor is worth it?

joandmelandhan

That is an idea thank you apple xxx

Pipefish

I mean what kind of 45 year only congratulates herself for showering and cleaning her teeth? Me that's who

Well, there's you, and there's me, and possibly, countless others... :-) Early recovery and me consisted of countless shares of 'doing the door thing' which is how I referred to the slow creak of my getting out of the door to work every day...it usually involved a short crying jag too! The conclusion I reached, was that years of alcoholism, and adjusting to a normality I was not used to, got me a tiny bit emotional :-) Growing pains I think it's called...

And you know the beauty of it? It's that along the line you get to share that with someone, and give them hope. Hope that what they're experiencing doesn't last, it passes...that a sober life is built on moments of endurance, and getting to grips with day to day practicalities, and coming to find doing so, out of this world. Most of all, it shows us that anything, anything is possible to go through, without the need to pick up a drink. Nothing is ever wasted, and it's that part of the BB where we can say we don't regret the past, or wish to shut the door on it, because that experience of uphill and getting through it without drinking, is pure gold, not only for us, but for others to hear about. And for me, it's the practical, everyday stuff which matters most - that is after all what life is made of....

A long term sober friend of a friend in AA (I've purloined this because I love it)
speaks of rolling out of bed, spurred on by thought of a cup of a tea...after tea, the energy might just about be there to have a shower, so we have one, think about what to wear, put in on, make the way to the bus/train/car....and at any point on that journey, we can always stop, turn back, but chances are we don't...we've come this far after all.... :-)

There's a real wisdom in that gentleness, that I for one, really needed early on...it doesn't mean not acting, and it doesn't mean haring along with expectations that don't match current reality.....it only means gently does it, but do it, and you are....and building a sober life, tiny step, by tiny step, which is in reality, the only way it can be built....

Wish you well

CreativeThinker

Hey Jo,

I just read through this entire thread for the first time and I'm sorry to learn that you are struggling. As so many here have said, you're doing a great job in your recovery. I'm new to recovery too (4.5 mo) and those scary thoughts are oh so present with me as well: "Am I doing this right?; Why can't I stop obsessing?; Can I NOT get through a day without reminding myself that I don't drink anymore?; Why am I still so tired?;... Then, after a few days, I'll wake up, the sun is shining and I genuinely feel happy and so thankful that I made the choice to begin this recovery journey. Someone mentioned something here that really hit home with me...just because we're sober now, it doesn't mean that life is magically going to be perfect. We're going to have good days and bad days...just like everyone else. I know that every bad day that I don't drink, I feel so much stronger.

Your plan looks great and what others have suggested is good advice. The only thing I might add that hasn't already been mentioned is: Make your bed every morning.

Personally, I am on ADs and I am currently seeing a therapist with my DH. I'm finding that both are helping me stay in the day, be more present and helps me get out of my own head. Perhaps this might be a tool that you can add to your plan, when you feel ready.

Hang in there Jo! You're posts are really thoughtful and honest. By sharing, you're not only helping yourself, but me and many others.

tomsteve

"Haven't even grieved for my late partner properly as I'm afraid of opening that box up....."

my dad died in 1996. i stayed drunk for 3 straight years. didnt get sober for 6 more years.
i didnt grieve until i got sober. it felt good to have FINALLY gone through a lot of it.
my mother passed away in 2013. i was sober and started the greiving pretty soon after. there WAS a short little time i TRIED stuffing it.
that hurt worse than letting the feelings and emotions flow
PLEASE dont prolong it.