jellybean80

I've been fairly trigger free during the last 49 days. I typically don't crave it except certain times and the thoughts are fleeting. I constantly am thinking of the fact I'm "not drinking" but again, not necessarily craving my poison.

Yesterday the neighbor came over to chat. We had a cup of tea and socialized. It was almost torture to socialize without wine. Im not sure if it's my personality or early recovery. Talking to her was tough. I work hard, and have two little girls and a hubby. To me when I'm not at work and at home I don't want to talk to anyone. It is hard for me to have "friends". I prefer to relax with my family. Again I'm still wondering if it's my personality (who am I exactly) or the lack of alcohol.

So I awkwardly try to chat with her. It gets close to where she is about to leave. We are outside now on the back porch in the warm summer air. There is a little breeze and it just feels nice weather wise. Insert another neighbor coming down to chat (I cringe) but he is carrying a large "black box" of wine!!! Him and his wife are moving and he hands it over to my neighbor who is visiting. "Here you ladies go" he says. My heart sinks, my stomach turns and I just want to run for my life. Not only do I not want to be talking to my neighbors , I want to be away from the giant box of wine I so fondly loved. I almost felt like I was at a party and the ex love of my life shows up looking hot. That black box wine looked amazing. The chatting came to an end. Neighbor took the wine ( she knows I'm sober) and I went back inside. The whole rest of the night I fantasies about sitting in my room /alone drinking that whole damn thing. I knew I would not but it the thought was there. Then I started thinking about my upcoming all inclusive vacation ( I will be posting the whole time, that's gonna be a challenge) and started searching terms on the internet like "can an alcoholic ever drink socially" and " can an alcoholic moderate". Lord help me. I finally stopped the foolishness and fell asleep. I feel better today but I had my first trigger and I'm really proud of myself but also a bit scared. Today was different too. I be been thinking and loathing the things I've done while I was drunk. Old memories of me threatening to kick someone's butt at my daughters face painting party, about how drunk I was when I was attacked when I was 17. About so many awful things. I keep trying to remember that is my past and I am not her anymore.

Anyway if you've read this far thank you. Any words or thoughts are appreciated.

Maudcat

I know. Even three years in, sometimes a craving just blindsides me.
Rare, but it happens.
Visiting friends over the holidays, I found myself alone with several open wine bottles.
What could one small drink hurt?
That's how it starts.
Quickly moved to another part of the house, and was fine.
I am grateful the thought was so fleeting.

Misc72

Can an alcoholic or problem drinker whatever you wanna call it's ever drink normal again. The answer to me is at 1st. Then old ways surface. It took me experiment in with this theory to realize that I either have to accept that I'm going to be a drinker and be pretty dysfunctional. Or take control of my life and my will and stand up to the illusion that drinking gives me and trying to figure out how to be completely fulfilled and happy without alcohol . I have an issue with neighbors wanting to hang out at my house constantly because I have a pool. I'm actually pretty pisssed because I let them come over with their kids whenever they want and I was out there yesterday by myself hoping they wouldn't come over because I wanted my pool to myself. And what do I find I find a joint on the ground. I don't have an issue with marijuana I just don't do it and i certainly don't want my 16 year-old son being exposed to it at his own home. And God forbid he would have been the 1 to have found that he would have blamed it on me. So it's always a challenge. Like I said in my March class we have to fight off the triggers and urges like a ninja.

jellybean80

Sunshine I would be a mess if neighbors were in my backyard whenever they wanted. You are stronger than I! I feel like my home has to be my haven right now. Even if I look like a recluse or people wonder why I'm antisocial I'm not willing to jeopardize that. Today same neighbor wanted to hang out and I politely said no. I just can't do it. My home is my safe place and I want to enjoy and relax here. Ugh.

Lascaux

Great job, JellyBean! Those trigger attacks are scary - I call them "ambushes" but they're more like jump scares in a horror flick. I think behavioral modification is the hardest part of recovery, not the physical healing. You've gotten past the first "socializing over tea" session; next one will be easier - you've already started forging a new set of associations in your brain and they'll get stronger with each repetition.
You won - that's the final score!

CreativeThinker

Not having a trigger in 49 days is pretty good. When I first stopped drinking I was having a lot of them. Glad you were able to move through it and you didn't drink. For me, every time I move past the urge to drink, the next episode becomes easier. Keep going...you're doing great!

Misc72

Yeah I set myself up for the open invitation. How can I recede that? ugh.. I don't like it at all anymore.

LadyBlue0527

I'm glad you got past it jb!

It's probably going to take some time to figure the above out. Two years ago I would have told you that I was a social butterfly/party animal. Today I identify with exactly how you feel about relaxation.

I think it takes some time to learn how to socialize without alcohol. I still would far prefer to be home watching a movie or reading.

Hevyn

Jellybean - I don't think this is unusual at all at 49 days. It took me a few months to stop having those same sort of feelings. I was very grateful to be sober - to be getting my life back - but I was also a bit resentful & sorry for myself too. As I got some sober time behind me those thoughts faded away. These days they rarely come back for a visit.

Dee74

When I first quit it felt like I was losing everything, jellybean.

Now I look back at all I've gained and its like ',,,,and all I had to do was not drink?'

It is a mountain of 'what ifs' right now for you, I know...but trust me - none of us would still be here sober if we thought we'd lost out on the deal.

Things work out - you'll be ok - better than ok, really...

you're on the right road