sobermax

Hello folks,

So, I'm struggling with an aspect of sobriety and would be very grateful for insight.

Sober now for nearly 6 years and life is immeasurably better. However the feelings of guilt & shame I have about my past drinking behavior seem to trouble me more now than ever before.

I was horrible, no question and I did plenty of ****** things but it was quite a long time ago and I am changed. It troubles me that I can't seem to let it go. Small acts of cruelty and selfishness I had forgotten about seem to bubble constantly to the surface these days and will occupy me for days.

Not sure how well I have described it. Does this ring a bell for anyone?


Thanks in advance for your wisdom.

Max

Dee74

I've tried to make my life a kind of living amends - I try to make a difference in the world. I've been doing that for so long now it's no longer atonement, its the default.

The thing is the more time I'm sober the more today matters to me and yesterday doesn't.

I know we must never forget the past but I don't think it's right or healthy to let it weigh on us either.

There comes a point where you have to forgive yourself or it just becomes self indulgent.

If you can't get past it yourself, maybe some counselling could help Max?

D

Anna

Hi Max, Yes, I have struggled with letting go of the shame and guilt. For me, it has been a gradual process and something I've had to do multiple times. One thing I've learned is that when these thoughts pop up, I don't have to allow them to occupy my mind. I can let them go because they are just thoughts and memories. I think Dee's suggestion of therapy could be helpful. I have found that journalling about thoughts that bring me guilt and shame has been helpful. Putting the words on paper seems to help them lose their power.

least

I also think counseling might be helpful in overcoming the feelings of guilt and shame.

It certainly helped me.

AnvilheadII

ya know we all have some stuff that just can't be fixed - that we will always carry with us. hopefully, making proper amends when possible will alleviate a LOT of the burden. but some stuff you just have to make some kind of peace with.

my biggest guilt thing to this day happened when my daughter (now 34) was in pre-school. they had a special Mom's Day tea. we lived less than two miles from her pre-school, i was not employed at the time, so i had NO excuse. i dropped her off at daycare that morning.

i was sober, 100%, no excuse. but i forgot. i just damn forgot. i wasn't rescuing oil soaked penguins. that afternoon her dad called and asked....so did you forget anything today? no, got the kid to school, been here all day? THEN it hit me.........oh crap, the Mother's Day Tea! when i spoke to my 4 yr old she said....that's ok mommy, you were the only mommy who wasn't there, but i have the place-mat and flowers we made for you.

just.shoot.me.

now here is the thing....i have shared this with her, she has NO memory of it. none. all the pain, all the guilt, that is all mine. that did not scar her for life. but even sharing it now, gets me all jammed up and teary eyed.

Fly N Buy

Many of my past regrets were actually unprocessed resentments towards others.
Both Dee and Anna touched on parts of a method I was taught. Making an inventory(journal of sorts) and making amends - direct and living.
The part of making an inventory I found especially helpful in identifying where I was to blame - what was my part? Then, discussing this with another person - of course this is essentially a confession and as old as time itself.


I read a thread you posted 3 years back that brings up this same theme - as
suggested perhaps a therapist or counselor might be helpful.

The program of AA is my experience with this and has been quite effective in dealing with the past for myself.

Well done on 6 years.

Hevyn

Hi Sobermax. Yes, I definitely have been tortured by past behavior. In the first year of being sober it almost led me back to drinking.

I know that the drinking me bears no resemblance to the real me. The selfish, reckless person I was while drinking is now gone - and she's never coming back. We can only live the best possible life now - hold our heads high - and know who we really are. (Certainly not those fools we used to be.)

None of us have intentionally tried to cause damage & pain. Please forgive yourself. Be proud of those 6 hard-earned years.

ThatWasTheOldMe

If a loved one had been sober for six years, would you want them to feel guilty for their behavior when they were still using or would you be monumentally proud of them for getting SIX YEARS of sobriety?

PhoenixJ

Guilt turns into regret turns to being a good person now.
Shame fuels self loathing- which can cause isolation and resentment.
Self punishment of what was cannot change it.
I am all in- for public accountability of the damage I caused others. I have done that. I did not help me feel any better, which is NOT the point. Growth, both physical and emotional usually only comes by experiencing pain.
Shame and guilt are negative- awareness of WHY I feel as such now is the key. Because I went against the moral standards I expected of myself.
I run the tape backwards over and over- but facing them with a sober- more mature and safe emotional maturity. Acceptance and accountability are important. To share at meetings means I sometimes share stuff. It also means when ever I feel anything negative- that pit in the stomach feeling of anxiety, panic- fear...I do the mindful breathing, affirm to myself I am today- probably better at being moral than I ever have. I am becoming the person I am meant to be.
History -mem's. Their only productive purpose is to learn, reflect and grow. This relates to how I think. Thought- effects the emotion which influences behaviour to others. So memories also serve to remind me not to judge others.
I was so full of self loathing - more so because at the peak of the most catastrophic event/moment of my life- they left me to die alone without them. In a hospital- but dying. I then turned to anger, then to almost begging god to help me. None came. That only comes from me. Every agonising step. Inch by inch. BUT I do grow. With meetings, journal, counsellor, psychologist.... Much of my emotional makeup damage is beyond alcohol.
I cannot change the past- but I refuse to be controlled by it. Even murderers get parole. My damage was emotional and moral. I can be the best person - today that I can be. I can try- with informed decisions and looking at the why's of my actions- be a little better today than I was yesterday. I can learn today- to help be a little better tomorrow, with goals, a code of behaviour and listening to others. This comes from the root cause of my guilt- facing it, but not living the same emotions. I am better than that now.
Sobriety is not a free pass to happiness. It just means we do not drink. We pick up from where we were before alcohol turned us. I do not expect any help from others or forgiveness- that is out of my control. It is hard and at times I cry, shout at the universe in impotent rage. Pointless without change- which has to come from me, from within.
My support and empathy to you..

thomas11

Hey Max, I'm guessing everyone's threshold for guilt might a sliding scale. One guy feels guilty he missed his niece's dance recital, another's guy's guilt is because he killed 3 brothers in a car accident (personal knowledge of).
It absolutely rings a bell with me, and the bell it rings is that I don't want any part of a drunken life again. I hope you feel the same.

sobermax

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Yes, perhaps I should talk this through with a therapist.

I have been letting it stew for ages hoping it would simply fade away without me actually doing anything about it but it needs tending to.

One thing is certain, I will not drink today! There is much to celebrate.

Max