allsolovely

Hello

Please advise if this is all TMI for an intro post, or if I'm posting in the wrong place...

I woke up this morning with two thoughts in my mind:
1. I am married to a functional alcoholic.
2. He will - at some point - need to choose between alcohol and me.

I don't think I need to go into the details of the episode last night that made me come to this conclusion. Amazingly, in the 7 years I've been in this relationship, I've noticed his drinking being heavier than what I'd consider normal, but I kind of put that down to the fact that I'm such a lightweight drinker (barely drink at all). I'd never really attached the words alcoholism to it. I don't really even know anything about alcohol addiction. He just seemed to be someone who drank a lot, very often.

I spent the morning googling "functional alcoholic" and high-functioning alcoholic, my eyes widening in recognition at a lot of the stories. That's what led me here.

I'm guessing, from what I've read - literally this morning - that my partner is very high-functioning. When we first got together, I was fairly startled by the ubiquitousness of wine at every dinner. I was in my 30s, used to social drinkers who had a glass or two maybe once or twice a week, not much more. I wasn't used to people who expected a bottle of wine to be a fairly mandatory punctuation mark to their arrival home from work. I was used to the odd bit of tipsiness or occasional drunkenness at a party, but not hangovers as a weekly norm. I kind of put it down to "everyone's different" or "everyone has different tolerance thresholds" and focused on the positive aspects of the relationship.

Fast forward seven years (of which we've been married for the last five). There are none of the external hallmarks of what I thought of as "alcoholism" - thankfully, there's no secret drinking, no impact on the work week, no abuse, no vomiting, no car crashes. I guess I've spent seven years maneuvering myself around this nasty little truth. But the nightly glass or two is - as often as not a nightly bottle, or most of a bottle. And social occasions seem to be planned around drinking as much wine/beer as possible, followed by several heavy whiskeys.

I've learnt to notice a kind of behavioral barometer:
- at 1-2 glasses in, he's starting to unwind and get sociable,
- from 3-4 glasses, there's a sort of window period of enjoyable relaxed affability;
- 4-6 glasses, slurring and soapboxing starts, sometimes accompanied by belligerence or verbal abuse
(I have learnt to make myself scarce at this point, and usually not too long after, at best, he'll pass out in one of the bedrooms and I'll go sleep somewhere else. )
At social occasions though - long weekend lunches or nights out - this will lead to the inevitable multiple whiskeys-and-coffee, which I find excruciating to see.

We recently (six months ago) moved countries, and I'm finding it particularly difficult as we meet new people.

My instinct here is to confront my partner, but I've chatted to two trusted friends who have both cautioned me about wading in too fast, without a plan, and without a carefully set up support strategy for myself. I'm the kind of person who, having had this insight, wants to raise it immediately with my partner. But I also know him well enough to know that it's going to lead to massive anger, denial and conflict between us. What is the common wisdom on Facing the Elephant In the Room?

Many thanks
ASL

PhoenixJ

Hello Allso- welcome to SR. A supportive community. You may find some answers in the thousands plus of narratives spread across the different threads. Any alcoholic who defines themselves as 'functioning' to me means they drink abnormally- but up until now have got away with it. Something which, given time usually falls down in very quick fashion (as it did for me). You cannot control others. You are aware not to leave stuff unaddressed if you have concerns- that you do not want to be a partner with a life on hold...
Al-anon is a satellite part of AA- for family and friends of alcoholics- to offer support.
Empathy to you and your partner. Keep looking. reading and asking questions. Stay safe.

doggonecarl

I don't know what the common wisdom is. But as an alcoholic, I'd say don't expect change from your spouse. The only person you can change is you. From your husband, expect resistance to the idea of quitting.

We have an active forum for the friends and family of alcoholics, folks who have been right where you are now. I hope you'll visit and glean their wisdom:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

honeypig

allsolovely, seconding the suggestion to go read and post over in the Family and Friends section that doggonecarl kindly linked.

Here's another link, this time to a post specifically about "functioning" alcoholics, in that section of the forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-re-post.html

I usually post over there, as the ex-wife of a "functioning" alcoholic myself. SR has been a lifeline and such a source of education, inspiration and support; I don't know how I could ever have come this far w/o it. I hope to see you over in F&F soon, and welcome.

allsolovely

Thank you - I will check out the friends & families threads.
With regards to change... I don't hold out much hope for change. My first instinct was to offer an ultimatum: give up the bottle or leave please. But it's complicated (ain't it always!)... three kids, recent move to a new country, new business... I think my friends are advising caution on raising the issue ( I know it's astonishing but it hasn't been raised before) because they don't want me stranded in a new country with a dreadful domestic conflict on my hands. But I've realised I'm stranded in a marriage with a dreadful third party...

Aaaanyway. Thanks for all the replies. It's a good not to feel sickeningly alone in this.

honeypig

I think you did well to not give an ultimatum. The usual advice is to never give an ultimatum unless you are 100% prepared to follow through w/it, and it doesn't sound like you're at that point yet. You'll need to take some time to think things through and make a plan, but that's OK--you don't have to figure it all out today. Just take it a little at a time.

Eddiebuckle

ASL,

I agree with Carl's sentiment here, and I think it's important to understand this. The term "functional alcoholic" is frequently used by active drinkers to semi-admit to their problem, in the sense of "yes I drink too much, but I haven't done X therefore it's not really a problem." The implication being that there are "types" of alcoholism. There is only one disease of alcoholism, and it is progressive. What you experienced last night may currently be an outlier, but whatever ugliness that happened will become the baseline for "normal" if he continues to drink.

Until your husband truly wants to quit (as opposed to truly wants to get you to stop harping about his drinking), he will not. Even when he truly wants to quit, it may take an extended amount of time for him to succeed. And the odds of getting and staying sober for life are unfortunately not great; that is the reality of this disease.

Do check out the Family & Friends forum, you will find great support there. If you feel you need to communicate where you stand, it need not be some huge statement. He will most likely not want to acknowledge or discuss what happened. It is enough to simply say, "I will not have "X" be a part of my life."

Ultimately, it does come down to your marriage or alcohol. You each have your decisions to make here: for him it relates to drinking, for you it relates to boundaries.

Good luck.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum AllSoLovely!!