Boyfriend is newly in recovery and have questions!

Old 06-24-2017, 01:36 AM
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Boyfriend is newly in recovery and have questions!

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We have always been very close, despite the hell we have gone through together with him actively using drugs. It finally came to a head and he went to a thirty day program almost 2000 miles from home and is now doing a three month sober living program. He has been in sober living for one week. In detox he called me
Every day multiple times a day, once in rehab he couldn't call for the first week, but as soon as he had phone privileges he called me, used all his time to talk to me
Even over his mom. Two days later he stopped calling. I got worried in a week because this was extremely foreign to our relationship. I called and reassured me he loved me and all this wasn't for nothing, but he's trying to focus on himself and he has to love himself before he can properly love me. Fast forward to him getting out of rehab, he gets his phone back talks to me the whole night until 4 am. The next day we talked, but a little less, next day a little less... he texted me about trying to find a ride to the barber shop and that he couldn't but then found one and on asking how he got there he never answered me telling me who he got the ride from... next day I call him later at night and he answers says I can't talk I'm in Walmart getting groceries pushing the cart I'll call you back... and pretty much hangs up without letting me get a word in- never called me back- and I just said good night and he told me he was cleaning the fridge and putting groceries away... the following day he texted me a little during the day, but I needed to chat with him about some stuff (shipping him stuff etc) he was slow to answer my text, I call him he doesn't answer but he then answers my text immediately. I ask him to call me, doesn't respond. Two minutes later I call him, no answer. So I start to freak out a little inside, wondering what is happening... I call his sponsor who he and his girlfriend are in recovery and they trying to be honest with me tell me his behavior sounds a little weird and that saying he's focusing on himself could be an excuse, it could be legitimate but something doesn't sound quite right. They proceed to tell me how sexually vulnerable you are when first are recovering and how they have both been in situations where their partners have used this as an excuse and were forming rehab romances. It is also of note that he started an Instagram account after getting our and followed majority of girls on there. With their advice they told me that I should tell him how I feel, and when I did after being up all night calling multiple times, texting a few times, and expressing that I was worried and hurt and feeling confused he yelled at me and told me this is why he is focusing on himself and he was really really mad and do I want him to relapse, etc. He typically would react like this to situations when he was using in the morning when he wasn't high... and he has borderline personality disorder (I think is what they diagnosed him with) but I apologized that I wasn't trying to make him mad I just feel very much on the outside and am afraid after everything that I will lose him. And I told him I'm sorry please don't be mad and I love him... he didn't respond even 16 hours later, and I stopped texting him after that. His sponsor also told me that I shouldn't have apologized. My question is, is this behavior normal, especially for a couple who was very very very close, does it seem like he's hiding something and using focusing on himself as an excuse? How much do I express myself in situations when it comes to our relationship right now? His sponsor seemed like it was completely fine to talk to him about issues. I'm confused and feel like am I in the wrong or is he? How do I handle these types of situations with someone newly out of rehab? I don't want to lose him to another girl being so far away from him. But I don't want to risk his sobriety or shift his focus, but I am still a part of this and we are in a relationship and this is impacting my life.
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Old 06-24-2017, 04:29 AM
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Welcome to SR, Mar, and glad you found your way here. While you didn't, by any means, post in the "wrong" part of the forum (there is really no such thing), you might find threads that resonate w/you more if you check out this section: Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Maybe you can repost your post from here in that section, or perhaps ask a moderator/administrator to move it for you if you find that the family and friends of substance abusers area seems like a better fit for you.

In the meantime, hope you keep reading and posting. Wishing you strength and clarity as you move forward.
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Old 06-24-2017, 04:42 AM
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Thank you!!
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Old 06-24-2017, 01:46 PM
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Welcome to the Forum Mar!!
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