My boyfriend has been addicted to OxyContin for 25 years
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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My boyfriend has been addicted to OxyContin for 25 years
My name is Raven , I'm 20 years old
I've been dating my boyfriend whom is 39 for a year and a half now . We are planning on moving in together and he wants to get married .
He has been addicted to OxyContin for 25 years now . He had half his face shot off at the age of 15 from a friend of his playing Russian roulouette .
For the last 8 years he has been living with his parents , and he hasn't worked in about four years . His addiction has brought his family into financial turmoil and right now they are at the worst finial state the have ever been in . His mother is also addicted to the same drug . For the last year and a half I have watched the strange routine that my boyfriend and his mother have together . They are also extremely close ., especially for a 39 year old male , it's a little strange . My boyfriend has never gone without the pills except for maybe two or three days at the most in 25 years . When he gets his prescription each month he overtakes what he is suppose to take , so usually for the last week and a half before his next doctors appointment , he and his mother are off driving around to their usual people to buy the pills off the street which cost a fortune , if they don't have the cash , they promise pills from his next prescription , which also leads to trouble . So his next prescription he usually owes out half his pills , and owes other people money and this just gets worse every month . Hey pawn their belongings , and they go to such extreme lengths to come up with the money . Well it's finally come to where there is nothing left to pawn , no cash , electricity , gas , water , being shut off. And no food . And his father knows nothing about all this .
My issue is , I have the money to help his family out , and I was going to because my boyfriend wanted me to start taking things from my house to pawn . He and his mother got a friend to loan hem some money and instead of using the money for food , electricity , etc . They used it for his doctors appointment and script. That really disappointed me . And now he complains to me every day how s electricity is getting shut off and if his father finds out he will divorce his mother and I have the money to help so why don't I .
I want to help . But they did this on their own and it's clear that no matter what they are going through , they will still make sure he has his pills .
I've become Co- Dependant on him since we've been together , and I just recently started cutting . He's 20 years older than me and he has an excuse for everything he does wrong , but if I make a mistake if any kind , it's an all out verbal war between the two of us with him winning every tine . I don't know what to do . He's not going to get off the pills and I'm afraid he's going to do the same to me financially that he has done to his parents . With his addiction comes many other little things that he needs on a daily basis that adds up to a pretty penny every month , not to mention he will be moving out of state to live with me so , I will have to pay to fly him home every month for his doctors appointment and pay for his appointment because he has no insurance . He doesn't want to get help yet
Where do I go from here , I can't communicate with him when he overtakes his pills , we fight when he's on them , and he is just a complete different person when he overtakes the pills . I don't want to live like this but my love and Co -Dependency for him has me tied down to him forever . Please , if anyone has any advise , please help me
Thank you
RavenRising
I've been dating my boyfriend whom is 39 for a year and a half now . We are planning on moving in together and he wants to get married .
He has been addicted to OxyContin for 25 years now . He had half his face shot off at the age of 15 from a friend of his playing Russian roulouette .
For the last 8 years he has been living with his parents , and he hasn't worked in about four years . His addiction has brought his family into financial turmoil and right now they are at the worst finial state the have ever been in . His mother is also addicted to the same drug . For the last year and a half I have watched the strange routine that my boyfriend and his mother have together . They are also extremely close ., especially for a 39 year old male , it's a little strange . My boyfriend has never gone without the pills except for maybe two or three days at the most in 25 years . When he gets his prescription each month he overtakes what he is suppose to take , so usually for the last week and a half before his next doctors appointment , he and his mother are off driving around to their usual people to buy the pills off the street which cost a fortune , if they don't have the cash , they promise pills from his next prescription , which also leads to trouble . So his next prescription he usually owes out half his pills , and owes other people money and this just gets worse every month . Hey pawn their belongings , and they go to such extreme lengths to come up with the money . Well it's finally come to where there is nothing left to pawn , no cash , electricity , gas , water , being shut off. And no food . And his father knows nothing about all this .
My issue is , I have the money to help his family out , and I was going to because my boyfriend wanted me to start taking things from my house to pawn . He and his mother got a friend to loan hem some money and instead of using the money for food , electricity , etc . They used it for his doctors appointment and script. That really disappointed me . And now he complains to me every day how s electricity is getting shut off and if his father finds out he will divorce his mother and I have the money to help so why don't I .
I want to help . But they did this on their own and it's clear that no matter what they are going through , they will still make sure he has his pills .
I've become Co- Dependant on him since we've been together , and I just recently started cutting . He's 20 years older than me and he has an excuse for everything he does wrong , but if I make a mistake if any kind , it's an all out verbal war between the two of us with him winning every tine . I don't know what to do . He's not going to get off the pills and I'm afraid he's going to do the same to me financially that he has done to his parents . With his addiction comes many other little things that he needs on a daily basis that adds up to a pretty penny every month , not to mention he will be moving out of state to live with me so , I will have to pay to fly him home every month for his doctors appointment and pay for his appointment because he has no insurance . He doesn't want to get help yet
Where do I go from here , I can't communicate with him when he overtakes his pills , we fight when he's on them , and he is just a complete different person when he overtakes the pills . I don't want to live like this but my love and Co -Dependency for him has me tied down to him forever . Please , if anyone has any advise , please help me
Thank you
RavenRising
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
So sorry for what brings you here. Having an addict in our lives is maddening.
Please, please, please rethink this. He's not marriage material. He's not even good boyfriend material. You are young, with your whole life ahead you. Don't screw it up by anchoring yourself to a situation that is only going to get worse. You can overcome your co-dependance. It will be hard, but not has hard as your life will be if you stay.
Originally Posted by RavenRising 
We are planning on moving in together and he wants to get married .
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Gosh, you're 20 years old. Please rethink your relationship with a 39 year old addict, living with Mom, and committing crimes. (buying drugs is illegal)
Take your money and get some therapy. You can have a wonderful life with someone more suitable. Don't move in with him, don't get married.
I know this will be hard for you. Loving him won't make him stop being an addict. Please read some of the posts from members who've tried.
Take your money and get some therapy. You can have a wonderful life with someone more suitable. Don't move in with him, don't get married.
I know this will be hard for you. Loving him won't make him stop being an addict. Please read some of the posts from members who've tried.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Leave him now and never look back.
Is this what you want your life to be? Addiction is progressive and it doesn't look like he wants out. He will only drag you down with him. Please do not enable this illegal behavior that is going to bring you down.
I repeat:
Do you want to live like this your entire life? You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. This man is 40, he is about half his life and look what he has done with it.
Please don't do this to yourself.
You deserve better!!!!
Is this what you want your life to be? Addiction is progressive and it doesn't look like he wants out. He will only drag you down with him. Please do not enable this illegal behavior that is going to bring you down.
I repeat:
Do you want to live like this your entire life? You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. This man is 40, he is about half his life and look what he has done with it.
Please don't do this to yourself.
You deserve better!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 74
Dear Raven, please, please teystbtiur insrincts. Do not give this man your money. Do not pawn your things. Get away from him and get away fast. This is not love, this is an addict feeding off of you. This could quickly become a very abusive situation if you allow him toove in with you. You are so young. Please consider therapy to help you understand the damage that he is doing to you. You do have a choice, even though your emotions are so strong. Imagine what a 40
Year old you would have to say to you now if you went down this dark path. I wish you every strength in the coming days.
Year old you would have to say to you now if you went down this dark path. I wish you every strength in the coming days.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if you are 20 now, you somehow get involved with this man when you were 18ish. i'm not sure what drew you to a nearly 40 year old drug addict who has a twisted relationship with his mother. a man who lives to use, and will use anything and anyone including YOU to keep the drugs flowing.
there is no future here. not a good one. he isn't going to change for you. but this will certainly change you. i hope you think this through and make the wise choice to GET AWAY from this man.
there is no future here. not a good one. he isn't going to change for you. but this will certainly change you. i hope you think this through and make the wise choice to GET AWAY from this man.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Beedebea
Dear Raven, please, please teystbtiur insrincts. Do not give this man your money. Do not pawn your things. Get away from him and get away fast. This is not love, this is an addict feeding off of you. This could quickly become a very abusive situation if you allow him toove in with you. You are so young. Please consider therapy to help you understand the damage that he is doing to you. You do have a choice, even though your emotions are so strong. Imagine what a 40
Year old you would have to say to you now if you went down this dark path. I wish you every strength in the coming days.
Year old you would have to say to you now if you went down this dark path. I wish you every strength in the coming days.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 315
As an alcoholic in active recovery, it pains me to say this, since I know how much the support of my loved ones has helped me, but... get as far away from this man as you possibly can, and stay away. What you describe from him isn't love, but use, the exact opposite of love. He is manipulating you and setting you up to use you and drain you of your money, your dignity, your self-worth, your entire life.
You're 20. He's 39. He's wasting away his life and apparently has no desire to change. You have your entire adult life ahead of you. Please, please, please don't stay with him and let him destroy you. Because that is exactly what will happen. Your life will be destroyed.
It won't be easy, but please walk away from this situation. I can't possibly see how any good can come out of you staying in it.
You're 20. He's 39. He's wasting away his life and apparently has no desire to change. You have your entire adult life ahead of you. Please, please, please don't stay with him and let him destroy you. Because that is exactly what will happen. Your life will be destroyed.
It won't be easy, but please walk away from this situation. I can't possibly see how any good can come out of you staying in it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
What are you doing? Leave him. Everything that you have written sounds like a horrible horrible situation that you are not responsible for. You do not have to buy him plane tickets. You do not have to financially help him. You should not help him and you should run as fast as you can away from this situation.
You are 20 years old. You have so much life to live. SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!
Please please please listen to the advice that the other members have given. Take your money and your life and move on. Get a good counselor. Get some support in your corner. Please do not do this to yourself. Our choices will affect us for the rest of our lives and this choice of marrying this man is a very bad decision. You have to know this?
Sending all the compassion and care in the world to you. You deserve so much more.
You are 20 years old. You have so much life to live. SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!
Please please please listen to the advice that the other members have given. Take your money and your life and move on. Get a good counselor. Get some support in your corner. Please do not do this to yourself. Our choices will affect us for the rest of our lives and this choice of marrying this man is a very bad decision. You have to know this?
Sending all the compassion and care in the world to you. You deserve so much more.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Turn around. Never look back. What happened to his family WILL MOST CERTAINLY happen to you and whatever family you have. His actions are already affecting your life negatively and you arent even married yet. You will get sucked into this mess without a doubt you if you dont leave you will end up broke, upset, heartbroken or even worse. Please do not go back to him.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Any pain your are suffering over this now will only get far, far worse.
I know how hard it is to get away, but when I did, it was one of the best things I did for myself.
You are NOT tied down to him forever. If you don't feel you can leave, get help.
I know how hard it is to get away, but when I did, it was one of the best things I did for myself.
You are NOT tied down to him forever. If you don't feel you can leave, get help.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Raven, however it feels, you are NOT tied to him forever. There is help for you out there, if you will take it. Co-dependency is not a life sentence. Therapy, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, reading and posting on the Friends and Family forums here on SR -- any or all of these things can help you transform your outlook on your situtation and help you see that you deserve so much more and better than what you are settling for.
Please do not give him or his family any money. Please do not commit to moving in with or marrying this man. Everything you fear will happen WILL happen if you do.
Please do not give him or his family any money. Please do not commit to moving in with or marrying this man. Everything you fear will happen WILL happen if you do.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
I used to drink and use. Much later on after I quit I became engaged to an alcoholic. What a mistake. Then later he turned to heroin as well.
He has supervised visitation with my service dog as they are very close. On our last visit he confided in me that he's now spending $700 a month on that alone. Not including his nightly 8-12 pack of Bud Light.
He suffers from congestive heart failure at age 50 and after his heart stopped for over 6 minutes had to be placed in a medically induced coma and have a defibrillator+pacemaker put in.
On top of all this he had alcoholic seizures that would have killed him. It was only my service dog who, without my knowledge as I'm not epileptic, was one of the 10% who can detect seizures before they happen. I trained him to alert to me.
You deserve better. He's not going to change miraculous overnight, just like my ex still hasn't.
It really isn't worth it.
He has supervised visitation with my service dog as they are very close. On our last visit he confided in me that he's now spending $700 a month on that alone. Not including his nightly 8-12 pack of Bud Light.
He suffers from congestive heart failure at age 50 and after his heart stopped for over 6 minutes had to be placed in a medically induced coma and have a defibrillator+pacemaker put in.
On top of all this he had alcoholic seizures that would have killed him. It was only my service dog who, without my knowledge as I'm not epileptic, was one of the 10% who can detect seizures before they happen. I trained him to alert to me.
You deserve better. He's not going to change miraculous overnight, just like my ex still hasn't.
It really isn't worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 285
Get out! This will RUIN your life.
My cousin has been married to an addict, also 20 years older, for several years. They have nothing because he spends it all on drugs. Just last weekend, while she was sleeping, he took their little boy and left her. She has no idea where he is or what his doing with the boy. No amber alert was issued because he's the boy's father and she hadn't filed protective orders against him in the past. She's terrified.
Not trying to take over your post with this story, just want you to look at it and think about if you want this sort of life for yourself someday soon. You know this will progress and get worse.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!
My cousin has been married to an addict, also 20 years older, for several years. They have nothing because he spends it all on drugs. Just last weekend, while she was sleeping, he took their little boy and left her. She has no idea where he is or what his doing with the boy. No amber alert was issued because he's the boy's father and she hadn't filed protective orders against him in the past. She's terrified.
Not trying to take over your post with this story, just want you to look at it and think about if you want this sort of life for yourself someday soon. You know this will progress and get worse.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Raven - welcome 
There's some great advice here - I really hope you think about things, and see you're not tied to someone forever no matter what.
You're terribly young to be committing to a life this full of drama - there are so many red flags here I really urge you to put off getting married
Co-dependency is not something you need to accept anymore than addiction is.
I hate to be cynical old man but there are some things love cannot fix or cure, and regardless of what you ultimately decide, I think you need to consider that.
As others have mentioned, I think you deserve better.
D
There's some great advice here - I really hope you think about things, and see you're not tied to someone forever no matter what.
You're terribly young to be committing to a life this full of drama - there are so many red flags here I really urge you to put off getting married
Co-dependency is not something you need to accept anymore than addiction is.
I hate to be cynical old man but there are some things love cannot fix or cure, and regardless of what you ultimately decide, I think you need to consider that.
As others have mentioned, I think you deserve better.
D
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Oh, please please please do NOT do this to yourself. You will waste the years of your life that are supposed to be the most carefree and you will spend them caring for a hardcore addict who's old enough to be your father.
Not to mention the creepy dynamic between him and his mother...do you really think Mommy has any intention of letting you get between them? She'll be happy to take your money forever but getting between her and sonny? No.
Seriously. This is like the opening chapters of a horror novel. He will destroy you financially, emotionally, and mentally.
GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.
P.S. With all due respect and as gently as I can...at your age, you don't really yet know what "love" is. Love isn't exploitation. It's not painful. It isn't knowing every moment that how you're being treated is wrong. You met him when you were 18...your brain wasn't even done developing yet.
Please, please, PLEASE don't keep making this mistake. You're an articulate, sensitive person who clearly has a ton of potential. Tying yourself to him is like shackling your life to a boat anchor and throwing it overboard. DON'T.
Not to mention the creepy dynamic between him and his mother...do you really think Mommy has any intention of letting you get between them? She'll be happy to take your money forever but getting between her and sonny? No.
Seriously. This is like the opening chapters of a horror novel. He will destroy you financially, emotionally, and mentally.
GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.
P.S. With all due respect and as gently as I can...at your age, you don't really yet know what "love" is. Love isn't exploitation. It's not painful. It isn't knowing every moment that how you're being treated is wrong. You met him when you were 18...your brain wasn't even done developing yet.
Please, please, PLEASE don't keep making this mistake. You're an articulate, sensitive person who clearly has a ton of potential. Tying yourself to him is like shackling your life to a boat anchor and throwing it overboard. DON'T.
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