Finding more "me"
Onward!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Posts: 14
Finding more "me"
This is not my first time getting sober, but in my HEART I hope it will be my last...now about my HEAD!
I turned 54 last month, and as one is want to do, I began to look at the decades, YES! DECADES...and found the same sorry refrain ringing true, " I should have gotten sober then..." I really didn't want to in my 20's, 30's, but knew where I was headed. I'm wicked smaht, as we say in Boston. I had seen my mother, and many of my "crew" crash and burn, but I was me! And then I hit 40...and started to disappear.
All of the joy, magic, most of the energy, except the mundame march of job, money, and getting stuff, started to drain from my lifestory. I had turned into a high-functioning alcoholic who still impressed everyone with my cunning reparte, my "uniqueness", my very own full time drama of managing being a drunk and trying to keep the show going so as not to lose my audience.
I remember an episode from my childhood from " I Dream of Jeannie" where she became depressed, and as a result, began to disappear from the feet up. She was trapped inside her finely appointed bottle, and vanishing. She was powerless to stop it, only "Master" could, but he didn't know how. Whoever wrote that episode must have been an alcoholic because the desperation and confusion of my drinking were captured perfectly.
I know I have been chemically dependent for most of my life, but I have still had one, a very good one, but I am mostly gone now...vanishing more every drink, and I want to get some more me back. I like me. I want to see more of me.
25 days sober, this Genie is out of the bottle, and already re-materializing.
I turned 54 last month, and as one is want to do, I began to look at the decades, YES! DECADES...and found the same sorry refrain ringing true, " I should have gotten sober then..." I really didn't want to in my 20's, 30's, but knew where I was headed. I'm wicked smaht, as we say in Boston. I had seen my mother, and many of my "crew" crash and burn, but I was me! And then I hit 40...and started to disappear.
All of the joy, magic, most of the energy, except the mundame march of job, money, and getting stuff, started to drain from my lifestory. I had turned into a high-functioning alcoholic who still impressed everyone with my cunning reparte, my "uniqueness", my very own full time drama of managing being a drunk and trying to keep the show going so as not to lose my audience.
I remember an episode from my childhood from " I Dream of Jeannie" where she became depressed, and as a result, began to disappear from the feet up. She was trapped inside her finely appointed bottle, and vanishing. She was powerless to stop it, only "Master" could, but he didn't know how. Whoever wrote that episode must have been an alcoholic because the desperation and confusion of my drinking were captured perfectly.
I know I have been chemically dependent for most of my life, but I have still had one, a very good one, but I am mostly gone now...vanishing more every drink, and I want to get some more me back. I like me. I want to see more of me.
25 days sober, this Genie is out of the bottle, and already re-materializing.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
I remember that episode!
You're right on the money. What I like too is the discovery of the real me. As I materialize more I realize how my inner appearance of myself is different than what I thought it to be. Some of the things I used to think were the highlight of my life wouldn't even interest me now. Things that I thought were a total bore excite me.
For some this might sound scary but it's not. As that materialization continues on the rebuild is solid and has substance! It's true life.
Thanks for the post Sylvan
You're right on the money. What I like too is the discovery of the real me. As I materialize more I realize how my inner appearance of myself is different than what I thought it to be. Some of the things I used to think were the highlight of my life wouldn't even interest me now. Things that I thought were a total bore excite me.
For some this might sound scary but it's not. As that materialization continues on the rebuild is solid and has substance! It's true life.
Thanks for the post Sylvan
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Sylvan,
Welcome aboard. I'm 52. I quit at 50 because I started having panic attacks and some gastrointestinal sugar issue. Self diagnosed.
I made it though and stayed clean for over 2 years now.
The freedom from booze is an experience I cherish. Liberating as Boston.
Based on what you wrote, I bet quitting using sr is possible for you too.
This place saved my life.
Thanks.
Welcome aboard. I'm 52. I quit at 50 because I started having panic attacks and some gastrointestinal sugar issue. Self diagnosed.
I made it though and stayed clean for over 2 years now.
The freedom from booze is an experience I cherish. Liberating as Boston.
Based on what you wrote, I bet quitting using sr is possible for you too.
This place saved my life.
Thanks.
Onward!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Posts: 14
Thanks Ladyblue! I have only recently allowed myself to look in the mirror, mostly for signs of some sort of re-emergence, or a trace of the person I was before I began to vanish. But what occured to me this morning is that I have to let go of that idea of "a better me before I lost control" and focus on the "best of me" ahead. Managing my dependency never really afforded me that magic mirror that would allow me to see a better, richer, healthier version of what lies ahead.
Onward!
Onward!
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by Sylvan1 
Thanks Ladyblue! I have only recently allowed myself to look in the mirror, mostly for signs of some sort of re-emergence, or a trace of the person I was before I began to vanish. But what occured to me this morning is that I have to let go of that idea of "a better me before I lost control" and focus on the "best of me" ahead. Managing my dependency never really afforded me that magic mirror that would allow me to see a better, richer, healthier version of what lies ahead.
Onward!
Onward!
Yes, to the "best of you" ahead!
I started so young and drank for so many years that there never was a "better me before"
But, I am discovering and growing the best me, now!
SR is a fantastic resource, so glad you found us
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
The really great thing about recovery is we not only get hope back, we get ourselves back too
There's a lot of support here - use it and you need never go back into the bottle.
You can be your own 'Master'
D
There's a lot of support here - use it and you need never go back into the bottle.
You can be your own 'Master'
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 13
Started at 14 stopped at 51. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to find myself. Even through the occasional rough patches each and everyday a little of me came out. I have tried so many new and wonderful things. Just recently I purchased a 1980 motorcycle that I think is beautiful and some say is too large for me. My dream is to ride to the smokies. I never could of would been able to do that without walking away from alcohol. I'm excited for you! Enjoy all the new things you have in store.
Onward!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Posts: 14
Hello “me”!
Wow! I have been sober since June 1, 2017, and so proud of who I have become throughout the process...and it has been a process!
Almost 8 months of sobriety in my head and heart, and I think I am just starting to see what life without drinking looks like, for the first time since adolescence.
I have never been a sober adult, and I am now middle-aged, so a lot of this is weirdly new, very scary sometimes, but each day I trust myself more. My relationships with people haven’t changed all that much, but getting to know “me” is quite a head trip. The most amazing development to come from this process is that I have learned to trust myself. I have done something very difficult, life-changing and transformative...and I did it for me. I am proud of the fight I have fought for this day when I can say with confidence, for the first time in my adult life, that I trust myself and believe I can and will do what is best for me. If you are newly sober, I want to tell you that believing in yourself is a transformative gift that you deserve. You can absolutely do it, and the further you go with it, the more amazing you become, for you!
Almost 8 months of sobriety in my head and heart, and I think I am just starting to see what life without drinking looks like, for the first time since adolescence.
I have never been a sober adult, and I am now middle-aged, so a lot of this is weirdly new, very scary sometimes, but each day I trust myself more. My relationships with people haven’t changed all that much, but getting to know “me” is quite a head trip. The most amazing development to come from this process is that I have learned to trust myself. I have done something very difficult, life-changing and transformative...and I did it for me. I am proud of the fight I have fought for this day when I can say with confidence, for the first time in my adult life, that I trust myself and believe I can and will do what is best for me. If you are newly sober, I want to tell you that believing in yourself is a transformative gift that you deserve. You can absolutely do it, and the further you go with it, the more amazing you become, for you!
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