first post: starting on the path
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Okay. I think he's gone.
I made him a coffee and told him I loved him and I wanted things to be different, and asked again if he could come to therapy with me, or if he had any other suggestions acceptable to him for making the changes we need to be happy.
He spewed some bile at me so I told him he needed to leave. I told him it was my last resort and I hoped it was only temporary, but I didn't know what else to do. He also knows that I hold all the cards, money wise, and he doesn't really have any choices. I put some money in his account.
He's going to be furious about this. He sits up most nights stewing and blaming, and this is going to give him all the ammunition he needs to turn himself into a victim and me into this horrible bitch. He seems absolutely incapable of relating to me any other way right now, but this is going to set it in stone.
I made him a coffee and told him I loved him and I wanted things to be different, and asked again if he could come to therapy with me, or if he had any other suggestions acceptable to him for making the changes we need to be happy.
He spewed some bile at me so I told him he needed to leave. I told him it was my last resort and I hoped it was only temporary, but I didn't know what else to do. He also knows that I hold all the cards, money wise, and he doesn't really have any choices. I put some money in his account.
He's going to be furious about this. He sits up most nights stewing and blaming, and this is going to give him all the ammunition he needs to turn himself into a victim and me into this horrible bitch. He seems absolutely incapable of relating to me any other way right now, but this is going to set it in stone.
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Okay. I didn't know what to do so I rang my sponsor. Also ordered some groceries online.
I think I might need to get a car: we only have one and he's taken it. So I will need to buy a car. I can do that soon.
Now need to go to the bank and pay in some cheques.
I think I might need to get a car: we only have one and he's taken it. So I will need to buy a car. I can do that soon.
Now need to go to the bank and pay in some cheques.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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still here and still sober.
The scariest thing right now is that I might not be able to get to evening meetings now he's not here: they feel like a lifeline to me right now. I am going to try to tell a friend tomorrow and see if she can sit with my children for an hour or two one evening a week.
I feel numb, or calm, or relieved, or in shock. I don't know which. I miss him, but I've been missing him a long time. I don't miss the controlling bully he became.
My thoughts keep spiralling. I'm just drinking herbal tea and trying to sleep.
The scariest thing right now is that I might not be able to get to evening meetings now he's not here: they feel like a lifeline to me right now. I am going to try to tell a friend tomorrow and see if she can sit with my children for an hour or two one evening a week.
I feel numb, or calm, or relieved, or in shock. I don't know which. I miss him, but I've been missing him a long time. I don't miss the controlling bully he became.
My thoughts keep spiralling. I'm just drinking herbal tea and trying to sleep.
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thank you.
He came this morning to take youngest to school. I was pleasant and kept things light, but as soon as we were alone, he started. I told him I cared about him, he said I had serious mental health problems. He doesn't mean the depression or the alcoholism - he genuinely believes that if I see things differently to him, I'm either being deliberately nasty or I am insane.
I am just not sure how we can ever come back from this. I can do all the work on myself - that I WANT to do, mainly for me, but also for my relationships. But I can't live with a bully.
I feel very sad today. Such loss. But it was lost a long time ago, partly through the consequences of my decisions, partly to do with his stuff.
I think I have to put this into the 'things I can't control' category. I wish I knew how to do that. One minute at a time, today.
Still sober.
He came this morning to take youngest to school. I was pleasant and kept things light, but as soon as we were alone, he started. I told him I cared about him, he said I had serious mental health problems. He doesn't mean the depression or the alcoholism - he genuinely believes that if I see things differently to him, I'm either being deliberately nasty or I am insane.
I am just not sure how we can ever come back from this. I can do all the work on myself - that I WANT to do, mainly for me, but also for my relationships. But I can't live with a bully.
I feel very sad today. Such loss. But it was lost a long time ago, partly through the consequences of my decisions, partly to do with his stuff.
I think I have to put this into the 'things I can't control' category. I wish I knew how to do that. One minute at a time, today.
Still sober.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi short rows, I just wanted to reach out and say how much your posts have touched me. You are so self-aware and intelligent. I am sorry for what you are going through but I am certain that you are headed in the right direction. I wish I could write something more meaningful because really, your posts really hit home for me, but I am emotionally empty myself right now. Sending you a ton of support though.
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thank you friends. It really helps to post here. My sponsor told me to make sure I was in contact with another alcoholics every day - getting out is a bit tricky at the moment, but I think this counts too.
Nothing much to report for the rest of today. I had a peaceful afternoon, a small cry and bought myself a treat from the bakery for tomorrow's breakfast. I am just getting my head down and getting through the hours. Saying my 3rd step prayer nearly hourly.
Nothing much to report for the rest of today. I had a peaceful afternoon, a small cry and bought myself a treat from the bakery for tomorrow's breakfast. I am just getting my head down and getting through the hours. Saying my 3rd step prayer nearly hourly.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Sorry to hear about your marriage troubles. Once I got sober for myself I had to end a long term toxic relationship. I too think staying as long as I did sorta led to my drinking. Of course it was I that chose to drink over it and that's on me. When my fog lifted I was shocked at the crap I had put up with over the years and masked with booze. Good luck to you and your family.
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thank you.
I was about to start step four, but my sponsor has advised I take care of myself for a little while first. She's not guided me wrong so far, so I am just trying to take things a tiny tiny bit at a time, and pick up step four shortly.
I know we're supposed to proceed immediately and vigorously, but I think this has been more of a blow than I realise. I've had a poorly digestion today.
I am not feeling too tempted to drink, except when I can't sleep. But even then it's just a fleeting thought, not an obsession. I know I am vulnerable right now so I am going to post a lot and hopefully get through this bit of time.
I was about to start step four, but my sponsor has advised I take care of myself for a little while first. She's not guided me wrong so far, so I am just trying to take things a tiny tiny bit at a time, and pick up step four shortly.
I know we're supposed to proceed immediately and vigorously, but I think this has been more of a blow than I realise. I've had a poorly digestion today.
I am not feeling too tempted to drink, except when I can't sleep. But even then it's just a fleeting thought, not an obsession. I know I am vulnerable right now so I am going to post a lot and hopefully get through this bit of time.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Portland maine
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Your posts are helping me too. My marriage is pretty done, but I'm dependent on my husband financially. Since I'm early in recovery, I accept this and am working on staying sober rather then trying to get a better job (hard to do, because I'm 61!). Luckily my husband drifts off to different buddies' houses so I am alone a lot, thus able to practice new behaviors easier. You have made so much progress. Very inspiring!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Hi.
AA was a big help to me in sobriety, but for some of the things you shared what was really indispensable for me was therapy.
Counseling having to do not so much with alcohol but with ME, my wounds, emotions, fears, issues, thought patterns.... my life. My simply living life as a human.
Not drinking enabled me to feel, think, get honest and address all those things with help from a good therapist.
AA was a big help to me in sobriety, but for some of the things you shared what was really indispensable for me was therapy.
Counseling having to do not so much with alcohol but with ME, my wounds, emotions, fears, issues, thought patterns.... my life. My simply living life as a human.
Not drinking enabled me to feel, think, get honest and address all those things with help from a good therapist.
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I think you're right. I've been in therapy weekly since February, and attending AA at least twice weekly - more often more than that - since June. Which isn't a long time, I know. I still consider myself a newcomer to recovery, but I have eight months sober and I know that AA and my therapy and my sponsor are all keeping me, day by day, away from the drink.
I had an okay day today. At work, where I was able just to bury myself in tasks and forget about everything for a bit. My husband picked the children up from school and stayed at home with them for a while - and I thought the best place for me was at a meeting, so I went. When I came home, he left again. He looked tired and sad - I really felt sad for him - but he is fighting his own stuff.
It's weird: we had a marriage that could somehow survive my alcoholism - I've read a lot about co-dependency and alcoholism and alcoholic marriages and he was a classic, classic enabler - even since before he met me, I think. I've heard that marriages that grow around alcoholism often don't survive recovery, and it is in the last six months or so that things have really taken a nose dive between us. I know more than once in the last few months I've thought I might have to choose between my marriage and my sobriety.
I think he is fighting his own demons right now, and the kindest thing I can do for him is be quiet and civil and keep my opinions to myself and concentrate on my own recovery. If he can't fight with me, he might start fighting with himself and I hope he wins. I hope he's okay.
I am EXHAUSTED.
I had an okay day today. At work, where I was able just to bury myself in tasks and forget about everything for a bit. My husband picked the children up from school and stayed at home with them for a while - and I thought the best place for me was at a meeting, so I went. When I came home, he left again. He looked tired and sad - I really felt sad for him - but he is fighting his own stuff.
It's weird: we had a marriage that could somehow survive my alcoholism - I've read a lot about co-dependency and alcoholism and alcoholic marriages and he was a classic, classic enabler - even since before he met me, I think. I've heard that marriages that grow around alcoholism often don't survive recovery, and it is in the last six months or so that things have really taken a nose dive between us. I know more than once in the last few months I've thought I might have to choose between my marriage and my sobriety.
I think he is fighting his own demons right now, and the kindest thing I can do for him is be quiet and civil and keep my opinions to myself and concentrate on my own recovery. If he can't fight with me, he might start fighting with himself and I hope he wins. I hope he's okay.
I am EXHAUSTED.
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This morning was fine. I slept badly, but it was okay.
Both children this morning mentioned their father was grumpy and unpleasant with them last night, and my youngest told me he didn't want his father to pick him up from school. I don't know if they are just trying to please me - they feel like they have to pick a side - or if he's treating them as he was treating me. He has bullied them and shouted at them many times in the past.
I reassured them that their father loved them, and that things were hard at the moment but we would be okay. I am not sure what else to say. I can't control the way he behaves towards them. I think he will probably blame me for their reluctance to see him - saying I am poisoning their minds or turning them against him, or something like that. But I am really not - it is my hope that he will, at some point, calm down and agree to therapy with me and if that doesn't happen, I'd like to be able to co-parent with him in a friendly and amicable manner. So I am doing nothing at all to involve the children in this: I have already caused enough damage to them with my drinking and I certainly don't want to add to it.
This is really really hard. Practically I am okay and emotionally although I am very worried and at times still quite angry and fearful, I also have long periods of feeling peaceful and relieved.
It's the unknown of it all that I am struggling with. I don't know what is going to happen next. I don't know even what is going to happen this weekend. I'm finding that really really hard.
I know it is really early days. I am probably still in a bit of shock. Not eating very much and feeling quite exhausted a lot of the time.
Both children this morning mentioned their father was grumpy and unpleasant with them last night, and my youngest told me he didn't want his father to pick him up from school. I don't know if they are just trying to please me - they feel like they have to pick a side - or if he's treating them as he was treating me. He has bullied them and shouted at them many times in the past.
I reassured them that their father loved them, and that things were hard at the moment but we would be okay. I am not sure what else to say. I can't control the way he behaves towards them. I think he will probably blame me for their reluctance to see him - saying I am poisoning their minds or turning them against him, or something like that. But I am really not - it is my hope that he will, at some point, calm down and agree to therapy with me and if that doesn't happen, I'd like to be able to co-parent with him in a friendly and amicable manner. So I am doing nothing at all to involve the children in this: I have already caused enough damage to them with my drinking and I certainly don't want to add to it.
This is really really hard. Practically I am okay and emotionally although I am very worried and at times still quite angry and fearful, I also have long periods of feeling peaceful and relieved.
It's the unknown of it all that I am struggling with. I don't know what is going to happen next. I don't know even what is going to happen this weekend. I'm finding that really really hard.
I know it is really early days. I am probably still in a bit of shock. Not eating very much and feeling quite exhausted a lot of the time.
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I just want to say you sound like a wonderful, strong mother. I know how much my own kids mean to me and how guilty I feel over what my alcoholism has done to them, I too try to protect them from anything I can.
Keep doing the work, even when it is difficult to have faith.
Do try to eat something. I have been having a difficult time eating myself after this relapse but have really tried FORCING myself to put somethings nothing into my mouth. Some days it is just a banana and some yogurt, but I am doing my best to at least try and eat regularly and drink water as much as I can.
Keep doing the work, even when it is difficult to have faith.
Do try to eat something. I have been having a difficult time eating myself after this relapse but have really tried FORCING myself to put somethings nothing into my mouth. Some days it is just a banana and some yogurt, but I am doing my best to at least try and eat regularly and drink water as much as I can.
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thank you. I really appreciate that.
I am finding it hard to get the right balance between taking full responsibility for my actions and the consequences of them, and not letting myself be bullied anymore. I know the steps and my therapy will help me with this, but I keep worrying that there's something I'm missing or doing wrong.
Like - I feel relieved a lot of the time. I know nobody is going to shout at me or give me the silent treatment or make passive aggressive (or just aggressive) remarks if I don't tidy up well enough. I know that I'm not going to be asked aggressive questions about why I did or didn't do something in a particular way or at a particular time (why did you put the tea in that cupboard??!!). I just feel so happy to not have to deal with that all the time, or even have to fear dealing with that.
But then I feel guilty for feeling relieved, because I am guessing the reason he's so bullying and controlling was because I was so chaotic and unreliable and, at times, emotionally and verbally abusive while I was drinking. That I kind of trained him to give me the silent treatment whenever he was unhappy about anything, because talking to me never did him a bit of good. That this behaviour he is showing has developed in a context that I created. So perhaps I shouldn't be relieved - perhaps I should have been more patient?
But I couldn't have been. The more I detached the more he escalated.
I am finding it hard to get the right balance between taking full responsibility for my actions and the consequences of them, and not letting myself be bullied anymore. I know the steps and my therapy will help me with this, but I keep worrying that there's something I'm missing or doing wrong.
Like - I feel relieved a lot of the time. I know nobody is going to shout at me or give me the silent treatment or make passive aggressive (or just aggressive) remarks if I don't tidy up well enough. I know that I'm not going to be asked aggressive questions about why I did or didn't do something in a particular way or at a particular time (why did you put the tea in that cupboard??!!). I just feel so happy to not have to deal with that all the time, or even have to fear dealing with that.
But then I feel guilty for feeling relieved, because I am guessing the reason he's so bullying and controlling was because I was so chaotic and unreliable and, at times, emotionally and verbally abusive while I was drinking. That I kind of trained him to give me the silent treatment whenever he was unhappy about anything, because talking to me never did him a bit of good. That this behaviour he is showing has developed in a context that I created. So perhaps I shouldn't be relieved - perhaps I should have been more patient?
But I couldn't have been. The more I detached the more he escalated.
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